AIBU to be this upset DP didn’t ask about job interviews I have?

[smellysmiles]

DP & I decided to take some space from meeting almost two weeks ago but agreed to keep in touch by text. We don’t live together but spend anywhere from 1-3 days together per week since we became a couple as I work further away & unable to relocate permanently.

For context, he admitted he was feeling depressed and was beginning to feel the time constraints on finishing a large project he’s working on that is due shortly. I ended up feeling burnt out because I was putting so much time & energy into trying to help DP but he didn’t appreciate it and wanted to wallow, so I suggested we take some time apart for him to prioritise his own mental health & project. (I had a post on Relationships regarding this where DP made an apt with his Dr to discuss his depression but instead went to the DR & spoke about everything else except his depression).

In the meantime, I agreed to help with his CV & sent it to recruiters on his behalf, also sharing jobs he would be interested or experienced for. I queried had he heard anything back & he said he hasn’t checked his emails or applied for any positions because despite hating his job to the extent where he holds it accountable for his depression, he “doesn’t currently have the time” to interview for any new positions.

While on the topic, I mentioned to DP I have two job interviews next week & he never queried what they were for, when exactly they were, or why I was even considering moving jobs. He honestly didn’t even ask a single detail about either job. AIBU to feel upset by this?

I love DP but since we haven’t seen each other I feel a bit numb yet so exhausted. I’m here trying to better my own life and encourage him too, doing things to aid that, yet I can’t even be shown any interest in two jobs interviews I have next week !!!

Apart of me feelings like I’m overreacting but the other part is telling me to get out while I can.

its is easier for him to shroud himself in the blanket of anxiety and depression. It is trying to keep him sqfe. The steps to change his life or move out from the depression and just too overwhelming for him just now. Yes it can appear like self pity or wallowing but it is part of the illness. He won’t ask about you it is too much, he has no interest beyond himself just now. That said you are enabling him and it is sucking the life out of you. There are no easy answers but you both have my sympathy.

This!

I am sorry you're burned out OP, but your "all I have done" post was six paragraphs long.

It's too much for you, it's too much for him, and it's not even working.

My husband couldn't list six paragraphs of things he did for me like that! It was mostly about letting me sleep, and saying "yes dear" in my rambling, lucid moments. He missed me, because I wasn't myself, but I was actually very easy to live with. Like going from having a bouncy labrador for a wife to a hamster.

I disagree that he's a shit partner (if someone thinks they're sympathetic to MH issues but characterises his behaviour as such... Guess what, you aren't sympathetic to MH issues!). But his issues are for him to deal with, yours are for you to deal with. And you always have the choice not to be his partner. You can't "support" your way out of this.

Indeed, I identify with all of the above.

I went through a terrible time where I was being bullied at work and HR turned it all around on me and my failings and I became very depressed. I had horrific mouth ulcers too, like op's dp. Lots heaps of weight. Couldn't conceive (we were ttc).

It took me two whole years to summon the courage and confidence to apply for another job - just one, I got it - and get out of there. Sure, it was absolutely the right thing to do and within weeks of my new job I was miles happier, regained weight, even conceived DD.

But there's no way my dh could have accelerated that process. He just tidied the house, cooked for me, and listened to me cry. Pretty much everyday for two years. (I don't deserve him, I know).

If he'd nagged me to apply for other jobs too early in the process, it simply wouldn't have worked. I'd have come across terribly at interview for one thing, I was a wreck

Oh OP...you really do need to back off 🤦‍♀️

Seriously...step back and actually interpret the HUGE signals that your DP is sending you! Back off!

You'd lose respect for someone who was struggling to function because they have depression? Would you lose respect for someone having a hypo because they had diabetes? What about someone who couldn't stand up to cook a meal for themselves because they had a broken leg?

Have you read my long post above?

I have been in work-related depression. It simply doesn't work to ask your spouse to get you out of it for you, including by applying for jobs for you. If he isn't ready to do it himself, asking his girlfriend to do it for him isn't going to be good for him, her, or the relationship.

It's a completely different situation to them helping you with prescribed medication like insulin ffs.

It's not about whether it would work or not, what didn't work for you might be what someone else needs. It's that you said you'd lose respect for them needing help in this situation. I think that's a terrible shame that would think lesser of someone asking for assistance during depression. No wonder there's a stigma with mental health issues if people (who been through it themselves and should know better) are judging others on not being able to cope.

@FarmGirl78 if the diabetic refused to take their insulin or otherwise manage their blood sugar then yes, it's on them, not their partner.

You sound way more invested (overinvested) in this relationship than your boyfriend does.

Depression can be so awful because even when you know what action to take that will make you feel better, it can act like this shroud over your life, sapping all motivation to do the shit that would lessen the stress of it. So you know the job is depressing you but you have no motivation or energy to actually make changes. It’s also a comfort zone thing - not a nice comfort zone of course.

That makes his behaviour understandable but it doesn’t make it ok. He is actively refusing opportunities to feel better by self-sabotaging (like not talking to the doctor about his depression). And he seems to resent your attempts to help and has little interest in your life or what’s going on for you. Tbh, the last one could just be his personality vs the depression as i’ve known plenty of depressed people including myself who are still able to show interest in and be supportive to loved ones and their lives.

Until he decides he is ready to take his depression seriously and take actions himself to learn ways to cope and feel better I doubt this will get any better. And your help will not help as he will passively take what’s easy (a nice cooked meal) and reject what requires harder action from him (job applications).

It’s up to you if you want to stick around to see if he does do that or not. If he’s usually a good partner and your relationship overall has been good maybe you might choose to. But if you reflect, is this the only issue between you both? Because he does sound quite passive on the whole and self interested.

Yes, a good partner who is not depressed would have the energy and mental capacity to remember what is going on in your life, take an interest and ask about the job interviews,

But you’ve said he’s depressed. He’s not even able to cope with his life. He can’t remember to apply for jobs and even if he remembers, he doesn’t have the mental capacity or energy to actually do it (the I have no time is an excuse)

You’ve asked a drowning man to help you swim faster/better. You’re not going to get help from someone who is not even coping with their own life right now. This depression isn’t his fault.

I know you’ve tried to help him, so it’s not your fault either.

Depression is an illness, it is no one’s fault. One of the ways in which it affects a person is it makes it very hard for them to admit they are depressed. The illness makes you feel like a time wasting drama Queen to admit you are struggling. It takes a Herculean effort to admit it and ask for help- especially if it’s the first time a person has had a severe depressive episode. That’s why part of therapy is about identifying signs of impending relapse so you are trained to ask for help before it gets that bad.