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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My best friend hasn't messaged me for over a month

26 replies

gothshot · 28/07/2023 22:31

I had my first baby back in April. I really struggled with the adjustment of becoming a mum and I did feel a little down in the dumps for a couple of months.
My best friend sent me a message a few weeks after having her to say she couldn't wait to meet her and to let her know when is best for her to come round. I said I would and sent her another message a week later to say I'd like it if she came the end of may/start of June, she said she'd check with work when she could book time off and let me know the following day. I didn't hear from her but I didn't chase her or put pressure on her to come and see us. We had exchanged messages after this but not anything to do with coming to see me and my baby and it's now been over a month since we last spoke to one another.
We have known each other for 23 years and were always close. I don't know anything about her life now except for the fact she is in a relationship that appears to be going really well. To be honest she hasn't told me much about what goes on with her for the past 2/3 years.

Obviously my days now are really busy taking care of my baby, however I often wonder if I'm being unreasonable not asking her again to come round and see us. I have initiated conversation with her previously so it isn't all on her to start a conversation but I also feel like it wouldn't hurt her to send me a message to ask if I'm ok and when would be a good time to come and see me and meet my baby - I know if it was the other way around, I would.

AIBU?

OP posts:

Dotcheck · 28/07/2023 22:34

Having a baby is the biggest change anyone can make in their life.
She is probably being led by you, and has stepped back to let you adjust to this big change.
Just take the bull by the horns and call her and just confirm a time

Olika · 28/07/2023 22:37

I would call her and ask when she is coming. That convo then tells you if she still wants to be part of your life.

carrot87 · 28/07/2023 22:38

Ask to go and see her ?

TheCyclingGorilla · 28/07/2023 22:39

Maybe her current relationship is causing her to let some friendships go.

Maybe she thinks it's run it's course

JosieOhNo · 28/07/2023 22:39

Maybe there other things are going on that she doesn't want to burden you with, or maybe there's a reason she can't cope with baby fever. Perhaps just check in with her to say hi, you don't even have to mention coming to see you in the initial message.

onthisoccasion · 28/07/2023 22:39

If she hasn't shared much with you for a couple of years, it does sound as though the friendship is waning on her side at least (and maybe will gradually go altogether down the line if you're at different life stages). However, you've known her for 23 years and say you're close! I would send a message saying "we never got a date sorted, and I'd really love to catch up" and supply a list of firm dates you can do. None of this vague "let me know", be specific. Then the ball is in her court; you'll know from how she responds where you stand. I do think it's shit she hasn't made an effort with you since the baby came, but if you value the friendship enough, I'd give it another push before giving up.

Tapasgoofy · 28/07/2023 22:41

Why can’t it go and see her?

Summer2424 · 28/07/2023 22:42

Hi @gothshot i have the same issue hun, both my best friends haven't met my baby yet. They must think i'm super busy and caught up in baby stuff. I am but i would like to see them too, hopefully sometime soon, before baby is 1 yrs old! Xx

Letterposter · 28/07/2023 22:43

My friend did this. I was there and met all 3 of her kids the first two weeks they were born and yet she couldn’t be bothered to come see me.

she is self absorbed and selfish and to be honest I am done with her. She keeps in contact with me but I don’t bother much

is your friend self absorbed? I would message and give her 3-4 dates and if she doesn’t try I would give her the benefit of the doubt as she could potentially have something gljgn on in her life but honestly, that is shit

MichelleScarn · 28/07/2023 22:44

So dc was born April and you said you'd want to see her 6-8 weeks later, but haven't contacted her to invite her to visit? Maybe she's sitting waiting for you, but you expect her to contact you to ask if visiting is OK?

Letterposter · 28/07/2023 22:44

@Tapasgoofy bcis she has had a baby and the thing to do is go see the person who has had the baby. It’s what best friends of 30+ years do

Cloud992 · 28/07/2023 22:45

She is probably waiting for you to ask her to come around knowing that you had a difficult time adjusting to motherhood (which is totally understandable). So not wanting to ask again incase you feel pressured?

the other possibility is, she’s going through something herself but doesn’t
want to tell you because you’ve already got a lot on your plate?

if I was in your position I would arrange another meet up date and the have a good old catch up and for her to meet your LO :)

Starlightstarbright2 · 28/07/2023 22:46

I would pick up the phone give her a call.

BHRK · 28/07/2023 22:46

I wouldn’t overthink it, I’d just call her up and say you’d love to see her and does she want to come over? Or put your baby in the pram and go and see her? It’s only a big deal if you think it is

Moonshine5 · 28/07/2023 22:50

Things change over time, no one is necessarily at fault, but if you've not exchanged much communication over the past few years (pre-baby), it could be seen as odd to describe her as your best friend. Having said that I have people in my life that I don't see for extended periods of time and we pick up where we left off when we do catch up so it is all about context.

Original poster

gothshot · 28/07/2023 22:50

MichelleScarn · 28/07/2023 22:44

She said she was going to let me know what dates she could book off work so I was waiting for her to do that. Time has run away with me to be honest, having a new baby and all.

Also, anyone wondering why I can't go to her, I have been the one to drive to her the past god knows how long. I have been in my home for 2 years now and she hasn't even seen my house.
I also have a small baby and she lives an hour away.

OP posts:

decaffonlypls · 28/07/2023 22:56

I have 2 best friends. Throughout teens/twenties we lived in each other's pockets. We knew everything about each other and talked daily, we didn't make a decision without each other's say so. In our thirties there was a shift , we had all got married, had children and got divorced in our twenties . So it wasn't due to family commitments but maybe it was growing older/career/older kids. We saw each other less and less and reached a point where we meet up and tell each other what happening in our lives rather than being a part of each other's lives.

Maybe you have grown apart when you weren't looking. Maybe she has some difficulty relating to your life now.

I'd send another message saying when can you come, if it doesn't happen you have your answer.

TipsyAndTommy · 28/07/2023 22:56

I find this a bit odd, my best friend came to hospital to visit the day my kids were born and vice versa even when one of hers was in special care.

It would be really weird to wait 6/8 weeks, an hour away is nothing. Surely that doesn't require time off work?! I would just message and invite her along on her next free day or offer to go to her if your friendship matters. Although it sounds like the friendship may have run its course.

IbizaToTheNorfolkBroads · 28/07/2023 23:04

Just ring her.
Maybe she's giving you space to adjust to your new baby/routine/life.
Maybe something is going on with her.
Maybe it's not about you.
Maybe you could go and see her? 3 month old babies are very transportable!

Original poster

gothshot · 28/07/2023 23:06

IbizaToTheNorfolkBroads · 28/07/2023 23:04

I've been to visit my parents multiple times who live an hour away also but why should I be the one to go to her again, especially when I'm the one who's had the baby and she hasn't visited me since I've been in my new home?
I am genuinely interested to hear why it should be on me to go to her yet again.

OP posts:

InWalksBarberalla · 28/07/2023 23:15

I think once your at the stage of thinking why should I be the one to visit her again you are no longer best friends.

WannaBeRecluse · 28/07/2023 23:19

If I had to wait weeks to go visit, I'd be wondering if I'm really that close a friend. Just message her and ask when she'd like to come. It sounds like she's not been sharing as much for quite a while though and your lives are very different now, so maybe she doesn't feel as close to you as she used to?

Newshoess · 28/07/2023 23:23

For me the bigger issue is you don't know what happening in your best friends life and you don't know much about her relationship. How can this be? How often do you normally speak?

I wouldn't mention the baby just yet. I would be finding out if everything is OK and just be honest because it sounds like your friendship has been fading for the last 3 years!

Original poster

gothshot · 28/07/2023 23:28

Another thing I ask myself is once she has seen us and met my baby, how often would we see each other after this? Would it be months again? Would it still be me going to her every time?
To be honest since I moved away from my hometown (which is where she lives) we haven't seen each other as frequently as we used to and over the last 4 years it's just progressively become less and less.

Maybe it has run it's course and it's not worth it.

OP posts:

cadburyegg · 28/07/2023 23:33

Just invite her round. Say, would you like to come visit on X date

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