To think there's no such thing as an ideal partner

[towriteyoumustlive]

Is anyone married to someone they would consider to be their ideal partner? Do ideal partners exist?

My DH is a nice guy, we get on well and don't argue, he isn't nasty or violent or a twat (like many posts on here I read), he can be a fun dad with the kids sometimes, but I feel so frustrated.

We were mates for years then had a bit of a fling and I got pregnant and we made a go of it.

We have so little in common. I like noise and music and instrument playing and singing. He hates it and will go and hide in his garage (he has a sofa and TV and motorbikes in there). I turn the radio up, he comes in and turns it down.

I love reading. He has never read a book in the 14 years we have been together. He has no interest in me talking about a good bit in a book I'm reading.

He always has the TV on. All day. I hate the TV being on and get really bored sitting watching TV. And we then have completely different taste in TV so it's hard work finding something on Netflix we both like. We both liked watching Bones though!

I like playing computer games. He doesn't.

He is so grumpy and pessimistic. A 30 minute car journey yesterday and he complained 14 times. The constant negative comments are draining. I'm obnoxiously cheerful and bouncy.

I'm spontaneous. I suggest doing things which is met with a stream of negative comments " it's raining, the dogs need walking, how long will we have to be out for" etc...

I'm sociable and like chatting. He likes solitary and prefers dogs to people. He gets really fed up and snappy with the kids very quickly if they're too loud. He gets especially annoyed with DS3 who is autistic and exhausting to parent.

His mum waited on him and his siblings and dad without expecting them to ever lift a finger, and despite me working 40 hours a week term time, I'm often left doing nearly all the cooking, cleaning, meal planning, child care etc... which is frustrating. I do try and get him to help more and often he will, but then he reverts back to how he grew up.

But as above, we don't argue, get on fine.

Our sex life is non existent. He doesn't touch me, he comes to bed really late, and TBH I have no desire to have sex with him as I feel like his mum or friend, not his wife!

YABU - all relationships have their negatives. Your relationship sounds normal.
YANBU - there is far more to a relationship that this.

I've never been with a man who I am happy living with. Both my marriages failed. I'm much happier on my own and I think a lot of women are now. Women will be even happier once they realise they don't have to be in a relationship to be happy.

I remember once reading following here:

”He’s not perfect, but he is perfect to me”.

That sounded really smart in mu opinion.

Honestly, I sound like your husband, it would make me sad to know my partner thought of me like you do.

Perhaps you are not compatible and both of you would be happier with different types of people. Or single.

May I ask what got you two get together in the first place?
Can you focus / bring that back?

I agree nobody’s perfect but you could be with someone you’re more compatible with - you don’t sound well suited to each other at all

That’s not within the bounds of ‘functionally contented” at all, for me. You sound as if you’re trying to convince yourself that everyone is as unhappy as you are. In fairness, you didn’t make a good job of choosing a partner. By your own account you got pregnant accidentally while having a fling with someone you never considered seriously as a longterm partner, and thought that you had to try to make it work. You sound fundamentally unsuited. A celibate life with someone who doesn’t hit you or argue isn’t the basis of a good relationship.

All relationships have negatives in the same way that every human being will have some flaws/weaknesses. People can be perfectly happily married/coupled up and have certain stress points (one person being messy, whatever).

But that isn't to say that your relationship is ok, if you don't feel it is? That list of incompatibilities/irritations was pretty extensive! I wouldn't be happy in your shoes and you don't sound very happy? Relationships are meant to enhance our lives- make them happier and more worth living. If they are just a chore, I don't know if they're worth it?

You may be happier by yourself or with someone you have more in common with?

@towriteyoumustlive as I began to read your post I couldn’t help thinking of the dynamic between Shrek and Donkey

This made me laugh far more than it should have considering the context 😂

Sounds like my worst nightmare OP. I’m just like you and had a husband just like yours. I felt I was being dragged down down down. So boring. So grizzly. Yawn. I was so happy to leave and love life again.

My last partner was exceptionally fun and exciting. Beautiful and sexy. But a total nightmare as too far the other way and hated being in, even when we had to clean the house it was a problem as that wasn’t spontaneous and fun.

I have to come to terms with probably being alone for the rest of my life. I would gladly be though rather than be with someone I’m not suited to.

I don't think there's such a thing as the ideal partner, but I do think there's definitely such a thing as a partner who is more ideal than yours.

My DP isn't completely perfect, but we are definitely very well-suited. We get on, we like similar things, we have a lot in common and we make each other laugh constantly. We have similar views and values about most things and we love each other and are kind to one another. What you're describing doesn't sound like a happy relationship at all.

It sounds like you were probably always better as friends, get on ok, enjoy each other's company but don't have much romantic compatibility.

Nobody has a perfect partner and I'm always a little suspicious if they claim otherwise, but many people have happy and fulfilling relationships with the right amount of intimacy, shared interests, affection, spending time together.

I do feel really bad for thinking like this. But I don't think it bothers him in the slightest - he seems quite content with his motorbikes and dogs. I think it's just me who feels like this.

We met at work doing similar jobs. I guess this was the common focus. Interesting and challenging work but an absolute arse of an employer which made work tough!

I then had a complete change of career when DS1 was 2 years old. He has no interest in me being a teacher and it has taken him 10 years to acknowledge just how much work a teacher is expected to do in term time. I suggested going up to 4 days a week as the extra money would be nice and he actually said that was a bad idea as it would mean him having to do a lot more!!

The title of your post is misleading; it’s not really about whether or not there is an “ideal” partner (there isn’t).

But there is a good enough/compatible partner and he isn’t it.

It sounds like you are trying to make yourself feel better about the fact that this is a pretty dire relationship by saying “nobody is perfect”. No, of course they aren’t but you seem to have found someone about as imperfect as you can get.

It sounds as if you would do far better on your own tbh.

You've outgrown each other. Do the decent thing and set each other free

We got on well as friends so I felt it would work. I was nearly 30 and not long out a long term relationship with a man whom after 5 years (when I was thinking of marriage and babies) suddenly decided I wasn't the woman for him!

I would say more frustrated than unhappy. Perhaps even lonely, although the kids and work keep me very busy. And I have good friends, some of whom have husbands who are so selfish and I really wouldn't want that!

I think I am with my ideal partner. I never thought it would work because music and comedy wise (I was 23 at the time😅), we were so different, but we can both read each other and be what the other one needs when they need it. We have a laugh together, tv we compromise a lot but also chat and have a laugh throughout and every so often I just feel so grateful for him and also still feel like I want to hop on him (tbf with work and 4 kids a dog and 2 cats more often I’m too tired but still). I don’t know what to say op, we go on a date night only a few nights a year but chat so much over the night it hammers it home.

I'm pretty sure he is quite content with "us"!

I feel separation would be putting myself before him and especially the kids which I don't think I could do. The kids will always come first.

DH and I are opposites in a similar way to how you describe in the first half of your post but we also balance each other out through it. DHs influence has made me more spontaneous, I make sure some things are planned, he makes me lighter and I make him more responsible with certain things.
I think a big part of it is being able to meet in the middle and be open to the others viewpoint ; you both need to be doing that though as it doesn’t work if only one of you is putting the effort in.
The part about him pulling his weight is a deal breaker for me as resentment would set in. And I can completely imagine how that kills a sex life which is another deal breaker

OP, what sort of model do you think you're providing your children with by putting your own needs and happiness so low as a priority? (Particularly if you have a daughter).

Are you really happy to live without sex, romance and affection for the rest of your life?

You deserve better. Your husband may well be happier apart too, if he's a decent chap he would probably not be single long and would hopefully find someone with more in common with him.

Look, it’s understandable, but it was a rebound fling where you got accidentally pregnant. By the sound of it, you’d not have ever considered it as a longterm thing if you hadn’t got pregnant. You weren’t thinking of him as a life partner.

we don't argue

The reason you don't argue is that he's too lazy to bother and you always put everyone else first.

Your description of him makes me think you don't have a DH you have a teenager.

An ideal partner? Yes. A perfect partner, definitely not. My husband and I are well suited, we share the same interests, we're also happy to have time apart to see friends, have fun, pursue interests on our own. And I still think he's gorgeous, after 20+ years. We have a wonderful life together. But does he piss me off sometimes, absolutely. As undoubtedly I do him.

Lonely and frustrated sounds like a horrible way to live, your life can be better than that, and you (and he) deserve better than that.

"I feel separation would be putting myself before him and especially the kids which I don't think I could do. The kids will always come first." I can't tell you how many nights used to lie in bed and pray that my parents would separate. They were both unhappy, and that unhappiness seeped into everything.

You don't sound very happy with him op, I think you could find a relationship you're happier with or be happier single so you can do what you want without each others habits irritating each other

I have the opposite. I honestly don’t know what my husband is doing with me. They’re perfect and I am a human nightmare but they say they would be miserable without me so there we are. Lucky me!

Did you have things in common when you started dating?

No one is perfect but I do expect certain standards when it comes to a partner and a man not pulling his weight around the house etc would be a reason that I would've ended the relationship the very minute he reverted back to expecting me to do everything just because his mum did. It's a huge turn off to me.

It sounds like you're only with him because of children. You deserve to be happy.