To think there's no such thing as an ideal partner

[towriteyoumustlive]

Is anyone married to someone they would consider to be their ideal partner? Do ideal partners exist?

My DH is a nice guy, we get on well and don't argue, he isn't nasty or violent or a twat (like many posts on here I read), he can be a fun dad with the kids sometimes, but I feel so frustrated.

We were mates for years then had a bit of a fling and I got pregnant and we made a go of it.

We have so little in common. I like noise and music and instrument playing and singing. He hates it and will go and hide in his garage (he has a sofa and TV and motorbikes in there). I turn the radio up, he comes in and turns it down.

I love reading. He has never read a book in the 14 years we have been together. He has no interest in me talking about a good bit in a book I'm reading.

He always has the TV on. All day. I hate the TV being on and get really bored sitting watching TV. And we then have completely different taste in TV so it's hard work finding something on Netflix we both like. We both liked watching Bones though!

I like playing computer games. He doesn't.

He is so grumpy and pessimistic. A 30 minute car journey yesterday and he complained 14 times. The constant negative comments are draining. I'm obnoxiously cheerful and bouncy.

I'm spontaneous. I suggest doing things which is met with a stream of negative comments " it's raining, the dogs need walking, how long will we have to be out for" etc...

I'm sociable and like chatting. He likes solitary and prefers dogs to people. He gets really fed up and snappy with the kids very quickly if they're too loud. He gets especially annoyed with DS3 who is autistic and exhausting to parent.

His mum waited on him and his siblings and dad without expecting them to ever lift a finger, and despite me working 40 hours a week term time, I'm often left doing nearly all the cooking, cleaning, meal planning, child care etc... which is frustrating. I do try and get him to help more and often he will, but then he reverts back to how he grew up.

But as above, we don't argue, get on fine.

Our sex life is non existent. He doesn't touch me, he comes to bed really late, and TBH I have no desire to have sex with him as I feel like his mum or friend, not his wife!

YABU - all relationships have their negatives. Your relationship sounds normal.
YANBU - there is far more to a relationship that this.

I don't see a problem with having very different hobbies, interests and preferences. In fact I think it's healthy. I don't understand couples that want to live in one another's pockets all the time. You can always enjoy hobbies with friends.

I like that my DH is into entirely different things to me. I show a vague interest here and there but I'm never going to be passionate about his passions. The reason my DH is 'perfect' for me is because our traits balance one another out, we want the same things in life and we are able to tolerate one another's faults.

The problem with your relationship in my eyes is that your mindsets are very different. It doesn't sound like either of you is willing to meet the other halfway and compromise. The fact you've both allowed the romance to fizzle out entirely shows that you aren't prioritising the relationship.

It probably didn't help that you essentially fell into your relationship and didn't have time to build decent foundations for it prior to DC. Do you want to work on things at this point? It sounds like a lot of these issues run pretty deep now.

On your main question: is there such a thing as an ideal partner?

No, there isn’t. I love my partner to death but he isn’t “ideal”. I’d rather he wasn’t a smoker and I’d prefer it if he had a better paying job. In an “ideal” world he wouldn’t suffer from periods of depression and anxiety.

But he is an incredibly loving, kind and supportive partner with whom I feel that I can be my whole and complete self, who makes me laugh, and is good company. He pulls his weight with house related things and is generous with the money that he makes even though it is less than I make.

You seem to have a different problem though OP, you don’t seem to like your partner very much or have much in common.

I think men are far less social than women on the whole especially as they get older.

Your marriage sounds a bit like mine but mine is pretty dysfunctional.
We actually have quite a bit in common, but our biggest difference is that when I say I will do something, I get on with it.
He very rarely says he will do anything and if he does he has to find ways of either not doing it, or finding a problem with it or getting someone else to do it.
[Example - son needed a new iPad case, but they sent the wrong size. DH was off today, I was at work. As I was getting ready to go to work, he asked if I could, during my working day, generate a returns label from the seller, print it off, then go to the Post office to return it. I said obviously not, he was off all days, he said “OK, I’ll do it, don’t worry.” I wasn’t worried. It wasn’t my problem.
I put up with it for now, but it will eventually wear thin. I don’t know when or where that will be.

In your case though, certain things ring alarm bells. Coming in from outside to turn the radio off is controlling.
You might need to weigh up the pros and cons.

I know this thread is quite a few weeks old now, but I was not surprised to read one of your children are autistic. Nor that you think you have adhd.

Reads quite similar to me and my ex. I suspect I have adhd, and he most certainly has undiagnosed autism. Often these two types of people can be absolutely drawn to each other… then drive each other to the edge of despair. I couldn’t deal with it in the end. Hope you’ve found a happy medium by this point op.