AIBU to want to address this with my mum

[Spacemoon]

So my mum is a very opinionated lady and is very forthcoming with her views on things. She does lack a bit of tact at times and doesn't know when to shut up and butt out. I mostly let things go over my head as I know half the time she just speaks before she thinks on how it will affect others, but lately she has been making comments about my housekeeping and work/family balance that I'm struggling to let go over my head.

The most recent being when she dropped in to our house earlier this week and happened to drop by whilst I was still working (from home) the kids were home and DH was back from work early and doing some household chores. The usual folding washing, hoovering etc, nothing major. She very loudly stated to DH how he would make a very good house husband and that it's ever so good of him to pick up my slack.

DH and I have a very good partnership and we don't really go in for traditional roles, there's no woman jobs or man jobs in our house and everything is as equal as can be. He isn't picking up my slack, as it's both of our responsibility. However, the hours he works and the type of job he has, combined with me doing less hours (I work 30hrs pw as opposed to his 60) means the household chores and childcare are my sole responsibility a good 80-90% of the time through the week. Weekends 50/50. So naturally, when he IS home early during the week, he'll jump in and do whatever he can with the kids/housework. As I do, when he is at work.

My mum seems to think this is unfair on him. She has told both him and me, numerous times, that he shouldn't ever be having to 'lift a finger' when he gets in from work as he works such long hours. She also makes a huge fuss about praising him for simple things like taking the kids somewhere fun on his own or doing the shopping.

She also comments on how untidy or unclean my house is and how I'm lazy and should be focussing more on the house than, in her words 'work and holidays'. I'm not going to lie, I'm not Mrs Hinch, far from it, and my house never looks perfect. But it IS clean. Lived in and not up to everyone's standards, but clean and relatively tidy. My kids are always clean, fed and happy and I'm of the opinion that if they're happy, so what if my house isn't Instagram worthy!

She's of a different generation and never had a job more than 16 hours a week and didn't work at all until we were all in high school. So I let most of this go, as I know she simply doesn't understand the more modern way most families live these days. Her and my dad had a more traditional set up, but my dad was far from a typical bloke of that generation and was always doing his fair share of housework when he could and was a very hands on dad. So it's not like she has a completely outdated view on what men should be like.

It's really been niggling at me for some time now and this latest comment has been playing on my mind. I want to bring it up and address it with her, but last time I did, it caused a massive argument and nothing really changed as neither one of us could see the other person's view on it. My DH thinks I should just let it go as it will cause unnecessary stress and that life's too short to be arguing. She is a very good nanny to our kids and a great mother and MIL, besides this one issue!!

AIBU to want to address this with her? I don't want to cause unnecessary arguments and stress, as I do agree with DH that life is too short..but it's really bothering me and I don't think it's fair for me to have to just keep quiet either! Thoughts?

I think we must be sisters!! My DM used to do this occasionally when I first married my DH. She came round once and stopped dead when she entered the lounge to find him ironing his work shirts (this was before the kids and we both worked FT). She was HORRIFIED! She turned and said to me 'what on EARTH is he doing, ironing his own shirts?!! Why aren't you doing it?!'

We just laughed at her. 26 years later, whenever she asks what DH might be doing that particular day and i'll say 'probably some ironing mum'. She's kisses her teeth and has a cat-bumhole face but knows I'm pulling her leg.

It's a family joke now tbh; that DM is a chauvinist and sexist (it's not really funny at all!). The other day she said she won't be watching the women's World Cup Football on TV as it's 'disgusting that women play football; they should just leave it to the men!!'

I've argued with her loads about it in the past (not nastily), tried to see her point of view and tried to make her see the damage that her attitude has had on me and also her granddaughter and all other women, but she won't change. She's old, always been stuck in her ways and been brought up to believe that men should run everything. It's all very sad because as a result, she's not lived her life properly.

I would suggest you just tell her to mind her own business. Your house; your partner; your rules - it's nothing to do with her. Rinse and repeat.

Thanks @dontletsaskforthemoon Your DM and mine would get on like a house on fire!

I do wonder if a lot of her comments are out of jealousy that I am following my dreams and have both a career AND family. Something she chose not to do (although my dad would have supported her!) and that she's made sacrifices because of her own silly internalised misogyny.

How old are these women? 'A different generation'? They'd have to be close on 80 to have such expectations.

I think they're trying to bolster their own self-esteem. They didn't have careers, and want to show that they are as good as you, or better.

It makes sense for women to maintain their employment when they marry and/or have children. You never know when those cosseted, precious men will wander off and take their salaries with them.

Yes! exactly the same with my mum.

What makes me laugh too is that she always moaned how my dad never lifted a finger to help in the home yet would flap him out of the kitchen if he offered to help!! She was her own worst enemy tbf. So sad really.

My mum is only in her mid 60s. Though her parents were quite old when they had her, so she was bought up with extremely old fashioned and traditional values.

Ah, I see. So was I, and I'm a similar age to your mum. It must have been difficult for them when young. 'Housewives' didn't get much respect.

Don't take her comments to heart. They're annoying but you're pretty safe to ignore them.

@StopStartStop thank you. I usually brush the comments off as I know most of it she either says before thinking or simply doesn't realise how horrible they come across.

I guess it's bothering me more the older my kids get (they are 4 and 8). She often says these comments in earshot of them, just because they happen to be there at the time, not intentionally (at least I hope not!) and I don't ever want them thinking that's a good view to have - they idolise their nanny and take what she says as gospel! My eldest (a boy) has clearly picked up on it as he will make the odd throw away comment about how hard daddy works and how he should be resting.

You and your husband must smile and say, "How very 1950s!" and if she takes umbrage say that under your roof, you have your own way of living that everyone is happy with just like she has her own home where she does as she pleases.

If she continues, then a "oh mum, you're so funny!" every time she makes a sneering remark.

Mine is late 70s. Brought up by strict parents

For your DM’s comments I’d use the ‘Quick everyone, get Granny a Time Machine - she’s going back to the 1950’s again!’
Same comment every time.

As far as the kids comments go, I would be saying ‘Yes, Mummy & Daddy are both tired - perhaps you’d like to hoover/empty the dishwasher so we can finish the jobs quicker.’

@Dombasle Yes that's our usual response and tactic to these comments. It's just getting a bit much now and I don't want the kids to think what she's saying is ok in anyway!

@Shelby2010 Thank you. Yeah this is exactly what we do with the kids. Always make sure we nip it in the bud quickly and get them involved in whatever we are doing and point out that nanny has some silly old fashioned views.

I think I’d say something, particularly given the impact on your kids. My dad is in his 80s and wouldn’t dream of saying anything like that. Not would MIL snd she’s 90!

My eldest (a boy) has clearly picked up on it as he will make the odd throw away comment about how hard daddy works and how he should be resting.

Perfect opportunity! 'Yes, son, daddy and I do work very hard. Now you come and help us so that we can all rest soon!'

“Mom, enough. You’re being incredibly rude, and I don’t want my kids hearing such misogynistic crap. If you can’t keep your criticism to yourself, you need to leave.”

I'd give her one warning and then show her the door. She’ll either learn to mind her mouth, or not be in your home. Either way, neither you or the kids will have to listen to such harmful bs

Get your DH to tell her that it’s not him ‘helping out’ he’s just doing his share. If she’s old-fashioned and a bit sexist she’ll listen to him.

Otherwise don’t bother. You said yourself it causes a row and doesn’t actually change her behaviour anyway.

She’s trying to make you feel guilty and she’s succeeding. Ask yourself why it’s getting to you.

I’ve had stuff like that but I either laugh at her or say ‘you know he lives here too, right?’

I also had a friend, who was only about 10 years older than me, who was horrified I didn’t iron my husband’s work shirts. She just got me with ‘he’s got arms’ and I left it at that.

I'm going to counteract your it's her generation view....it's not she's been very lucky not to have worked full time I was back at work...as was everyone I know, when my first was 16 weeks old and worked full time 40 hours with my second I had to change from my management job to childminding and had a week before giving birth and a week after before working 55 hours a week.
I'd tell your mum just because your home doesn't mean your not working and you need to work to pay your bills and just like dad helped her if he was home so does you OH because that's the right thing to do

It's getting to me because I've had to put up with the sexist BS from enough people over the years, I don't need to be hearing it from my own mum in my own home.

To be honest, she wasn't really lucky. We struggled a LOT financially when I was growing up. It's not like she could comfortably afford to not work. We were very poor because she wasn't working. My dad worked mostly minimum wage jobs and pulled in overtime where he could and I vividly remember us having to sell things at times just to pay the bills. We barely got by. I WISH she'd have worked through my childhood, but she thought (due to her stupidly strict and sexist upbringing) that she HAD to be a stay at home mum else she had failed us. She thought it was wrong to work and let 'someone else raise your kids'.

I'm the lucky one - I don't HAVE to work to pay the bills, we were comfortable just about with some cut backs on one wage whilst I was a SAHM for a couple years. I do however choose to work to provide a better life for my kids, to make sure they never have to see us struggling to pay the bills and to show them that women can have good careers, just like men.

In a way, I feel sorry for her. She's never going to change her views and has missed out on so much because of her own internalised misogyny. I just wish she'd shut her mouth and keep her opinions to herself when she's in my home.

Fair enough. In that case wait til she says something again in your earshot and react right then - “Mum, I've had to put up with sexist BS from enough people over the years, I don't need to be hearing it from my own mum in my own home.”

But I wouldn’t ‘bring it up with her’ as a separate discussion- it has to happen in the moment. Otherwise you seem like you’re ‘making a fuss about nothing’ as she’d see it. You’ve tried it before and she hasn’t changed her ways so it’s unlikely yet another discussion will be helpful.

But make sure you get your DH onside to tell her she’s wrong. You have to be a united front. He can’t be silently accepting the ‘compliments’.

I'm mid 60's and it certainly not my view that the DH in the family does nothing and that the DW stays at home.

I worked all my adult life till now. Admittedly I was divorced at some points, but have been married 25 years now. DH has always done his fair share, and now that I have become disabled and had to retire because if ill health he does a lot more than me and works FT.

DS dies as much in the house and slightly more childcare ( he finishes work earlier than DDIL) I would be outraged if I went to their house to find himmsat on his arse while DDIL ran around him!

I was told by my mid-60s mother what a hero my husband was for making me a cup of tea in the morning before he went to work - when I'd been up all night breastfeeding our newborn and looking after our 2 year old solo all day. 🤦🏻‍♀️ The mind boggles.

Everything she makes a comment. Just say "here she goes again with a criticism" and change the subject. Do it every single time no room for an argument just change the conversation

Her and my dad had a more traditional set up, but my dad was far from a typical bloke of that generation and was always doing his fair share of housework when he could and was a very hands on dad.

Given this, I'd laugh and say "You are funny mum. I grew up watching Dad do housework and he was always such a hands on Dad so it can't be a surprise that it made me look for the same in my Husband/Father of my children."