Treating a wedding like it’s a joke

[PumpkinPieWalnuts]

I’m asking because I’d really like to know if my reaction to this is unusual or unreasonable. My DH and I have been married for 10 years and are very happy together. His family are completely dysfunctional for just too many reasons to go into (DH completely agrees and we limit our visits). His younger brother was getting married so DH, the kids and I all attended the wedding (the travel and accommodation alone were very expensive) and as the couple had professed to needing money more than anything we gave a fairly generous gift of £200. All up I suppose we were out of pocket about £1500. DH’s parents also contributed financially to some of the costs of the wedding and it was a lovely one - quite large with all the traditional lovely wedding details you’d expect. We did pick up on tensions between the couple and thought it weird they were often at different ends of the venue on the day but didn’t take it too seriously. Within a month the bride walked out of the marriage and left DH’s brother entirely. No affairs or anything to point to, she just said she didn’t love him anymore. DH’s brother just shrugged and said he didn’t love her either and knew they weren’t right together from the start. He laughed about it actually and seemed relieved. I just feel outraged about the whole thing - why did they go ahead with it? Why did they take everyone’s money? (No financial gifts were returned). If I were one of the couple I would be mortified so I just can’t understand this completely uncaring attitude. Am I being unreasonable to think that way? I have not said anything to anyone in the family and they have all just shrugged and got on with things (apart from my MIL who was admittedly devastated).

Not unreasonable at all, I’d be a bit miffed at that attitude too after spending all that money.
Could it be a serious rift that they just don’t want to share publicly? (ED, or other sex issue?)

Have you thought of asking for the wedding gift back as it was such a short time of being married? Or did they put it towards honeymoon?

That would piss me off too. It's a huge amount of money to be wasted.

I can see your point but also you chose to spend it it wasn't forced on you or anyone else

There will be an element of bravado to this. Underneath they will be upset and embarrassed and full of regret they didn't adult themselves out of the situation better.

I’d be pissed off that they didn’t offer to return financial gifts but I know people who have got deeper and deeper into an engagement and a big wedding and felt trapped and gone through with it when they really should have ended the relationship. They lasted a year so a bit longer. If anything I think the worry about the amount people had already invested in the wedding made them more committed to it.

Has anyone asked them what they did with the gift money? I suppose a difficulty might be that it will now form part of a divorce settlement so if one party doesn’t want to give gifts back the other is a bit stuck.

Some people are selfish and cynical enough that they want the 'big wedding' and being the centre of attention despite knowing the marriage itself is doomed to failure. Sadly a friend of mine had his new wife walk out on him after she started snagging her boss at work. Their wedding was a big destination jamboree with hundreds of foik travelling from all over the place to attend. We joke about it now but people were pretty pissed off having spent thousands. The horrible woman ran off with all the wedding gifts as well.

Yes I agree with PP. There is some bravado. But also, they knew they didn’t really want to get married.

I think their behaviour makes a mockery of marriage, and I would be seriously unimpressed. Limit contact even further!

I think some people like the attention, plus they knew they were getting gifts. I suppose your money will pay for the divorce now.

I'm not so sure, some people really are arseholes and don't give a damn.

*shagging

Bloody autocorrect 🙄

I haven’t asked for any money back and wouldn’t - that would feel awful and potentially upset the family. But all of their friends and family gifted them money and judging by the wedding party size it must have run to thousands - I struggle to understand how they don’t feel embarrassed to have kept it all. I also don’t understand why they would have the wedding if they each knew they didn’t love eachother. They are now getting divorced and it all just feels an expensive waste of everyone’s time - their own included. Maybe if they were very young but they are both 30.

This happened to a friend of mine, her ds got married, a white wedding with the works, bride arrived in a horse and carriage etc, my friend and her dh spent a money on the wedding, and gifts etc, they were separated within 2 months.

I think it's so disrespectful to take peoples money, and time when it's obvious they only wanted the wedding and not the marriage

I would be annoyed too. But just think of it like that’s his wedding. If he remarried it will be his second wedding, so you won’t go to the trouble or the expense. His gift will be a cheap toaster. It’s like when someone has their first baby, they have a baby shower and everyone goes all out. The second wedding will be like a second baby.

Yes that’s exactly it - it feels like they wanted the big blow out wedding but not the marriage. The bride is very instagram obsessed and her social media is endless selfies - it felt like they just wanted a glamorous day that was all about them…

You'd seriously ask for the gift back????

Maybe they were hoping marriage would make the relationship better?

Maybe they thought they were so invested in the wedding they couldn't back out

You don't get to dictate the terms of their wedding. You don't give them a gift and show up as long as they don't divorce within the year.

I think they are only showing you the tip of a massive ice berg and they don’t owe you a full disclosure as to what was going on in their relationship.

It says more about you than them that you’d think they stage a fake wedding to get freebies.

Some people just blunder their way through life making errors of judgement and mistakes and not caring about the consequences or how it affects other people.

I would be annoyed as well as you gave them your time and money in what was to be the start of a long and happy future together.

You know next time if he gets married just to send a card.

One of my friends did this. She knew they weren’t suited but felt paralysed by the momentum of wedding planning. They weren’t trying to rip anyone off they were dealing with a heartbreaking and very difficult situation. I actually felt quite relieved when she told people - he wasn’t good for her, I’m pleased she’s not with him and has found happiness with someone else.

I understand why she wasn’t able to call it all off beforehand. There’s a lot of pressure.

Just because the brother is shrugging and saying he's alright, it doesn't mean he is. He is in all likely, upset and mortified and just plodding on

This sort of happened to me, I got married after 10 lovely years together, and immediately after the honeymoon he was weird, and by 3 months in he was gone. I did love him though, and thought it was right, I was absolutely devastated and humiliated. A huge part of that was guilt about how much people had spent coming to the wedding, contributing to our honeymoon, and our parents who'd contributed to cost. It was horrendous. I wish I'd had the finances to pay people back but a divorce and house sale meant I couldn't. I still feel guilty, 5 years on.

Spot on. If this happened to me, I would just send a card to BIL next time.

I think you should make it all about you and the money you spent.

Just don’t bother with the next wedding!

Look at it like this - you were prepared at some point in your life to give your BIL a wedding present and incur the expense of going to a wedding.

You have now done this.

If he marries again, you don't need to do it again.