Treating a wedding like it’s a joke

[PumpkinPieWalnuts]

I’m asking because I’d really like to know if my reaction to this is unusual or unreasonable. My DH and I have been married for 10 years and are very happy together. His family are completely dysfunctional for just too many reasons to go into (DH completely agrees and we limit our visits). His younger brother was getting married so DH, the kids and I all attended the wedding (the travel and accommodation alone were very expensive) and as the couple had professed to needing money more than anything we gave a fairly generous gift of £200. All up I suppose we were out of pocket about £1500. DH’s parents also contributed financially to some of the costs of the wedding and it was a lovely one - quite large with all the traditional lovely wedding details you’d expect. We did pick up on tensions between the couple and thought it weird they were often at different ends of the venue on the day but didn’t take it too seriously. Within a month the bride walked out of the marriage and left DH’s brother entirely. No affairs or anything to point to, she just said she didn’t love him anymore. DH’s brother just shrugged and said he didn’t love her either and knew they weren’t right together from the start. He laughed about it actually and seemed relieved. I just feel outraged about the whole thing - why did they go ahead with it? Why did they take everyone’s money? (No financial gifts were returned). If I were one of the couple I would be mortified so I just can’t understand this completely uncaring attitude. Am I being unreasonable to think that way? I have not said anything to anyone in the family and they have all just shrugged and got on with things (apart from my MIL who was admittedly devastated).

This happened with my boss’ son - pair of immature idiots who thought getting married would be a fun thing to do. Came back from honeymoon separated.

thanks for the clarification, I'd hate to think she's snagged his tights.
😂

We went to a wedding and the couple were separated within three months, he was having an affair with someone at work. You could tell he was a reluctant groom, I think he was under pressure to marry. I even heard him make negative comments the night before the wedding. He didn’t even want to have the first dance with his bride, preferring to hang with his mates.
We had a good day out, she had the wedding of her dreams. It never occurred to me to ask for my cash gift back, we had a great day out 😂

Interesting question - how long do you think people need to be married in order not to return wedding gifts? What's an acceptable period of time?

I went to a friends wedding and she didn’t even make the honeymoon, she met someone else. I was relieved for her as I knew she wasn’t happy. She’s still with the other guy, married 10yrs now. Another friend was annoyed like you

You said yourself there was a dysfunctional element in your DP family, Dysfunction attracts dysfunction. It won't occur to to them they did anything wrong.

Embarrassment around gifts would be very low on my feelings register after a relationship break up and end of a marriage. The gifts are freely given. While he may be saying they weren’t meant to be - he clearly did feel they were at one point. Obviously it appears they went too quickly, got caught up in a wedding rather than the marriage but as pp says you’ve done it now and if he gets married again you can reign in the gifts etc.

They sound like a pair of idiots and I can certainly see why you're a bit disgusted with them and feel like you wasted your time/money attending a lavish wedding. Clearly your BIL shouldn't have gone through with getting married if he always knew they weren't right for each other. (I'm wondering if he actually told the bride this after the wedding and she left him for this reason?)

However, if someone realises after they're married that they've done the wrong thing, I would still rather they left than slogged on through a marriage being miserable until the point at which they think their wedding guests will be OK with it. And I think when you attend someone's wedding and give them a gift etc, you're not doing that only on condition that they remain together for a certain amount of time.

So, I definitely get it (I speak as someone whose siblings both had white weddings before separating from their spouses within 14 months and 8 months respectively) but, annoying though it is, I think it's one of those things we have to bite our tongues about and move on from.

Just to be clear it never occurred to me to ask for the gift back - I never would! And it’s not about the gift really at all. It’s the huge investment by everyone - my in-laws most of all - in organising and paying for a big wedding that never should have happened because neither bride nor groom actually loved eachother or wanted to be married to eachother. It’s the waste of time, money and emotional investment I’m talking about generally. As a previous poster alluded to, I wish they had adulted this better.

£1300 on travel and accommodation?
That’s entirely on you.
You presumably got a nice weekend away for that money?

If it's any consolation, one of my BiLs is on his third marriage and he's only 49.

I went to the first two, didn't bother with the last one, although my OH did go.

Unfortunately my OH wouldn't allow me to RSVP 'sorry I can't make this time, see you at the next one'. 😉

YANBU.

When I think of the money I’ve spent on other peoples fucking hen dos and weddings it makes me sick. Especially as half of them are getting divorced already!

I mean what was the point of the whole exercise!

Meh... better that they identified this as soon as possible and got out without ruining each other's lives (and foisting kids into this dysfunctional relationship) than dragged it out just to save face.

Also frankly the money is a sunk cost anyway. Would you seriously feel better about having dropped that money if they'd stayed together? I'd be pissed off about being expected to spend that kind of money on someone else's wedding anyway, I wouldn't feel better about it purely on the basis that the couple stayed together and its no skin off my nose if they split.

Oh fuck off. All that money spent was entirely your choice, including the gift. ExDH and I separated within 12 months of the wedding. He turned into an emotionally abusive arsehole when we got married and thought he could treat me like shit because we were married and, in his words, "I didn't you could leave now". Other people don't know. Not even my own parents know the full extent. Current DP is the only one that knows most of it.

Why? Because I was embarrassed, I didn't want people pitying me and frankly it's no one else's business so I framed it as "it didn't work out/ we weren't right for each other". A few people did joke that they want their money back. I have never spoken to them again, what a fucking horrible thing to say.

The point is YOU HAVE NO IDEA, NOT EVEN A CLUE, of what actually happened between them.

Maybe they are jokers who didn't take it seriously. Or maybe other stuff was going on. Either way it was ENTIRELY YOUR CHOICE TO GO AND GIVE A GIFT. So move on.

How can you be miffed that his marriage has failed. He laughed as he's putting a brave face on it. You sound awful

totally agree

I think this is clearly triggering some posters and I didn’t mean to do that. This is different from those that married in love and things changed (shortly) afterwards. It is also different to those who suffered marital abuse. That didn’t happen here either - the couple lived at home with my in-laws and there is no suggestion by anyone of unacceptable behaviour. This was just a wedding that shouldn’t have happened (absolutely everyone agrees that point) and they knew that on the day. I get the point that I should just chalk it up to one of those things and move on. My question was whether I was being unreasonable in feeling anger at the couple for wasting everyone’s time and money and clearly some people think that I was. I get it.

A relative who did this said afterwards he felt he had to see it through to end and try everything. He knew it was wrong thing to do but felt this way.
They might be flippant on surface but there’s clearly more to it.
I do think gift should have been returned though.

I get why it pisses you off. It is a huge waste. But I don’t think it’s reasonable to look at it simply as an isolated incident that’s just down to the two of them being irresponsible. This sort of thing happens more frequently than you might expect and even more people marry when they shouldn’t but stick with it for a few years for fear of disappointing people and possibly end up having a kid or two.

It’s largely because we put cultural pressure on people to get married and have a big wedding. All that money spent on one day, all the organizing, all the focus on external, shallow things like the cake and The Dress and whether the wedding favours match the place cards, all of that takes the focus away from thinking about their relationship and makes it harder and harder to back out as the big day approaches. It also creates stress and friction that will exacerbate the problems they had rather than bringing them together as it might if they had a good relationship. Maybe even shows each other in a harsh light that saps some of the love away. Large weddings are statistically correlated with a higher chance of divorce.

It is a huge waste. But it’s better that they do break up and walk away as soon as they are ready to acknowledge it’s gone wrong than that they stay in an unhappy marriage and have kids together or entwine their financial affairs more. Try to see it in terms of all the money saved from not continuing the lie even longer.

"It’s largely because we put cultural pressure on people to get married and have a big wedding"

Who is the 'we' in all this?

Even if nothing major happened and they just shouldn't have married in the first place, you are still very unreasonable. Sometimes things don't work out, situations are overwhelming and people can't find themselves out of it quickly enough. It was still your choice to spend all that money. Would you have been happier if they stayed together but miserable?

that is a shame
but it is not about you, i agree

i dont think you should feel angry about the money you spent,

As someone who left a marriage a couple of months in (for a very valid reason) I think this is a little harsh! It’s not about you, they were probably trying very hard to make things work and it very sadly didn’t work out for reasons that you surely aren’t fully aware of.

admittedly, I didn’t ask for cash gifts off anyone, in fact no presents, but my parents had contributed as had his. The couple probably are mortified, as I was, but that’s not some thing you go round talking to every guest about, and you don’t know the situation re the gift. Admittedly the family sounds a bit casual about it but again, privacy - it could be easily have been something quite serious (as it was in my case) but they don’t want to tell all and sundry.

This is the sort of judgement that makes people go through with weddings when they probably shouldn’t, by the way. It is pretty difficult to call things off at the last minute when there are so many expectations, and people’s expenditure, plus deciding to end such a serious relationship is obviously not simple. In my case, it was only totally clear I had to leave once we were married, for various reasons.

I have spoken about my embarrassment to a few of my very very close friends - this is not something I would talk about to everyone - and I’m really glad that they care enough for me not to have taken this view!

How long would you say an acceptable length of marriage was, in exchange for your expenditure??

My sister went through a huge wedding in 1980 and it cost our Dad an absolute fortune. We all knew they weren't right for each other but it went ahead. The fact she spent the night before the wedding with another man might have given it away. Six weeks after the wedding 'D'Sister had an affair with a work colleague. The marriage survived that but failed on their two year anniversary. Dad was still paying for the wedding!

She walked out leaving loads of furniture that belonged to our parents that they never got back. Some pieces had been wedding presents to them. Sone pieces Dad had made for my sister.

Years later she expected him to stump up again but he said no.

She felt absolutely no shame and never has. I have been NC for 20 years as this sort of thing is the bread and butter of her life and I can't bear the woman.

Don't expect them to bat an eyelid. Some people are just take take take and nothing else.