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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you regret divorcing / splitting from the parent of your dc?

36 replies

Honeycombspin · 27/07/2023 19:27

We have two dc and I’ve been back and forth on this for about 14 years!
it’s never been quite bad enough - and still now maybe it isn’t. I’m not happy and never have been but I’m not hopelessly unhappy either?
I saw a thread in relationships about the best thing about women’s husbands / partners and it just kind of got me because although DH is a good man, we’ve both changed and not really together.
The best thing about DH is he is dad to the dc. That is pretty significant.
The worst thing is our sex life is dead in the water and he just doesn’t get me - nor I him I suppose. He doesn’t really understand me or make any attempt to. He tends to just get angry if things don’t go his way.

The grass isn’t greener though and I am aware of this.

Did anyone regret it? Especially if they had dc?

OP posts:
Original poster
Honeycombspin · 27/07/2023 19:39

Anyone?

OP posts:
Bemyclementine · 27/07/2023 19:41

Not at all even though he's been hellish and the divorce is taking an age. This is a much happier house.

NooNaNa · 27/07/2023 19:44

My parents should never had had children.
Their marriage was horrendous, but the divorce wreaked irreparable and long lasting damage on us. They are an extreme case.

If you are semi normal and can consciously uncouple, if you could bear to be in one another's company and not snipe and fight:

I don't know, I'm not in a position to give advice really. I'm very unhappy in my marriage, but trapped for now.

fuxsticks · 27/07/2023 19:45

I separated from my DH, the father of my two kids, 18 months ago after 19 years together. He is a good man but we had grown apart. There was absolutely no intimacy left, we hadn't had sex for years and slept in separate rooms. I thought about leaving for a long time before I did, but felt like things hadn't gone badly wrong enough to justify it. In the end an old flame reappeared in my life, and that gave me the push I needed. Since leaving, my relationship with my ex is much better - we're both happy with other people and co-parent our kids amicably. Sometimes I do feel sad and nostalgic that our kids won't have the family we had originally planned for them, but I feel it's better to have happy separated parents than miserable married ones. Good luck - I hope you can make the decision that works best for you x

francesthebadger · 27/07/2023 19:46

Regret not doing it sooner.

francesthebadger · 27/07/2023 19:46

Kids much happier.

Noisypeople · 27/07/2023 19:48

I regret not doing it sooner, by the time I did go I was so broken down and tired and not the person I want to be.

I also grew up with parents who should have divorced and would have been happier if they had.

SydneyJKL · 27/07/2023 19:51

Absolutely not.

Being married to him wasn't great. Splutting from him was even worse. It was really hard to co-parent, but that's because he is a selfish control freak.
It has got easier as the kids got older.

Kids haven't ever wished we were together in fact in a recent conversation they can't see how we were ever together as we are so different.

Fantina · 27/07/2023 19:52

My divorce was horrendous but that’s what happens when you tell an abuser you don’t want to be with them anymore. I regret not doing it sooner as I feel so ground down by marriage and the divorce he put me through that I’m not sure I’ll ever be the same person again.

So in short I regret not doing it sooner like a pp as I’d have been younger and perhaps more hopeful for the future. However, I do believe divorcing has been best for our DDs as they have also opened their eyes to his behaviour and I desperately hope that means they’ll make better choices than me when it comes to their own relationships.

SydneyJKL · 27/07/2023 19:54

Just adding though, I took my time to accept the split. He had an affair and we did try again. I was in no rush to divorce as I wanted to work through to a decision that I knew was right. We were living apart for two years by the time I got to that point.
I did that because I didn't want to look back with regret.

swanling · 27/07/2023 19:57

Regret as in feeling grief?

If you leave a long term relationship where you had hoped to be happy or spend a lifetime together, you will feel some form of grief because it's a loss - and regret will be part of that.

It doesn't necessarily mean it was the wrong decision or that you could have achieved a different outcome. Regret is part of processing loss.

You say you've never been happy in the relationship - is there a particular reason?

Daisy12789 · 27/07/2023 19:58

Split from my DH last year after 7 years together, we have a daughter who’s now 3. I feel sad that she doesn’t have two parents at home but we get on well and do things together like her birthday party and days out.

Lots of life events happened for me last year and I cannot bare the thought of wasting my life. I had to make a change for me and I have done everything possible to make it steady for my daughter.

You deserve to be happy not just not hopelessly unhappy.

Beachwalker66 · 27/07/2023 20:00

God no. I just wish I had left when the DC were younger.

CalistoNoSolo · 27/07/2023 20:01

No, not in the slightest. I'm happier and DD is happier. Ex and I do co-parent very well and we have kept everything very amicable for DD's sake though, which I think is key.

AliceForSupper · 27/07/2023 20:05

15 years ago, horrible divorce but never regretted it. You don't know how long your life will be, so live it your way.

underneaththeash · 27/07/2023 20:07

If it's just the sex element - surely you can try sex/marriage therapy? It sounds as if you do actually want to have sex with each other still. (or at least you can google the principles of it and try that?)
What does he get cross about and what don't you like?

SueVineer · 27/07/2023 20:12

No, not at all

PositiveLife · 27/07/2023 20:23

Ex-husband wasn't a bad guy, I just wasn't happy. I stayed for a long time because I didn't think it was bad enough to leave. Since I left, I've never once regretted it.

There are things that are hard - being on my own is a lot of work, exh has had a substantial inheritance and he's remarried so things are a lot easier for him but I don't ever regret leaving.

MintJulia · 27/07/2023 20:25

No. Just relief.

Within a couple of weeks of leaving, I was more cheerful, less stressed, my finances were stabilising, my sleep pattern was back to normal and DS (then 3) was happy at his new child minder.

After 12 months, I bought us a home.

DS is 15 next week and doing well. We are much happier & less stressed.

Xrays · 27/07/2023 20:30

God no, not at all. Left him when dd was 6 months old, we’d been together 6 years and he became a total arsehole almost overnight when we had her - no signs of that before. I was just so fed up with it all and got to the point where I hated him so much the sound of him breathing made me rage. 19 years on now and I just laugh about it now. Still can’t stand him.

Fantina · 27/07/2023 20:35

What kind of dad was he to your dad after you left, @Xrays? and well done for going so early. I went to look at houses when my first DC was a tiny baby but I stayed and things got worse before I finally left. I have to stop myself wondering what my life would have been like had I gone earlier.

Fantina · 27/07/2023 20:36

your DD not dad!

cadburyegg · 27/07/2023 20:42

We separated nearly 3 years ago and will be divorced by the end of this year. We were together for 11 years, married for 7 and kids were 5 and 2 when we split.

It's hard work doing everything myself and I often wish I had an extra pair of hands. I instigated the split and in the first few months to a year, I often wondered if I was doing the right thing, but stbxh proved i was by his behaviour, his interest in the children literally waned overnight.

I don't wonder anymore and this has just become the new normal. I often despair of his irresponsible behaviour. I don't regret it and I also don't wish I had done it sooner or wish we'd never got together etc etc. I feel like we split at just the right time. I am glad that the children don't seem "damaged" and I've been fortunate financially that we have been able to stay in the family home. Although it's hard I am glad that we split when we did rather than when the children were older. DC2 doesn't remember us being together at all and DC1's memories are already quite vague.

However I grew up in a home where my parents didn't get along and my mum and I were subject to some physical, but mainly emotional / verbal abuse. I didn't want my children to grow up in a household full of tension like I did.

KohlaParasaurus · 27/07/2023 20:44

Divorced the father of my children 20ish years ago when the youngest was 6. My only regret is that I didn't do it a few years earlier instead of wasting time trying other strategies to allow me to tolerate living with him. He'd become like a particularly grumpy and combative extra child.

The grass was very much greener.

Unsure754 · 27/07/2023 20:48

Not at all. Not on my behalf nor on my children’s behalf.