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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I would be an incredible master criminal?

67 replies

Octonaut4Life · 27/07/2023 17:02

The fingerprint recognition to unlock my phone is so sensitive that if I have recently had a shower or even if my skin is slightly dry... It doesn't work. Is this a common issue, or have I overlooked the possibility of an incredible career as a cat burglar? (N.b: wouldn't be able to steal any actual cats, as DH is allergic).

YABU - your phone is just rubbish.
YANBU - have a crack at the crown jewels.

What are your weird attributes that mean you would be oddly suited to a life of crime?

OP posts:
Chersfrozenface · 27/07/2023 19:02

Now we just need a fence. Is the Mumsnet opinion more in favour of closeboard or picket these days? I can't keep up with the current fashion...

I'm in favour of shiplap. Or maybe hazel or willow hurdle.

(Ooh, names for my new novel, Hazel and Willow Hurdle, crime-busting sisters.)

parietal · 27/07/2023 19:04

The phone fingerprint thing is apparently an effect of age. So if you are old enough to not have strong fingerprints you'll definitely make a good burglar.

OhComeOnFFS · 27/07/2023 19:07

I've definitely got the wrong end of the stick here - sorry!

tealandteal · 27/07/2023 19:11

I have recently dug out several new beds on the allotment, and pegged that black weed membrane stuff over them. They are the perfect size for hiding a body and there would be no way of being spotted - perfect for anyone who needs to dispose of someone unrelated to me.

INeedAnotherName · 27/07/2023 19:13

I'm old and knackered and extremely grumpy but I have a walking stick. Very good for poking adults and children who get in the way.

I also like cats. And ravens, although I suspect I have three visiting my garden this year. I digress, count me in.

JennyForeigner · 27/07/2023 19:25

I was stolen by some cats. They needed a new mark after their old one moved to Australia.

Utterly ruthless in their pursuit of dreamies.

JennyForeigner · 27/07/2023 19:26

tealandteal · 27/07/2023 19:11

I have recently dug out several new beds on the allotment, and pegged that black weed membrane stuff over them. They are the perfect size for hiding a body and there would be no way of being spotted - perfect for anyone who needs to dispose of someone unrelated to me.

This is such civic thinking. Well done you.

Hawkins0001 · 27/07/2023 19:28

I like different disguises when it seems I can be one profession then change to another profession depending on the outfit, but it's usually an obvious one where you wouldn't normally suspect I'd be a secret agent.

712oohahh · 27/07/2023 19:54

Hmmm.

I've always thought I'd make a top class secret agent.

I'm EXCELLENT at stalking people online. You give me the name of your ex's new girlfriend and within 20 minutes I'll know HER ex's name, what each of her family do for a living, what hair salon she goes to, names of siblings, their jobs, name of late Grandparents, how much their mortgage is for, where she bought the car she drives, where she works etc etc. Friends will often come to me and say "My Daughter has a new boyfriend, can you do your stuff and find out about him". I notice small details that would make Columbo proud.

I've always had long commutes to work so none of my friends or family know my workplace, any of my colleagues, or actually what I really do for my job. I'm single, no kids, known for being very random. So I could 100% disappear off to Russia with poisoned vials in my diplomatic bag and friends would assume I just fancied a quiet weekend watching Netflix on the couch. No-one would miss me. No one would bat an eyelid. Everyone trusts me, don't know if it's not having a husband but so many people confide secrets in me. I'm known for being able to get where water wouldn't and I'm perfectly ok with lying through my teeth if the need arises. I get myself in situations and get out of them without becoming a cropper.

I don't know if MI5 or MI6 take on dumpy 47 years olds but honestly, I'd be a fucking amazing secret agent.

PelvicFloorClenchReminder · 27/07/2023 19:59

I would in fact make the ultimate cat burglar as I am completely invisible and apparently utterly ignorable. Especially by cats.

Ladyoftheknight · 27/07/2023 20:08

If you'd like an actual solution to the touch ID thing, re-do your thumb print. Mine was a bastard for a whole year before I realised I'd just done it badly the first time.

toochesterdraws · 27/07/2023 20:18

I could prune tall evergreen bushes by the side of a house in such a way as to create a network of ladder-like branches. My handiwork would remain hidden by the leaves and nobody would ever know how I got onto the roof...

nonman · 27/07/2023 20:22

I could be your diversion tactic, I always get searched at airports and suchlike.

tt9 · 27/07/2023 21:14

it was only a matter of time before mumsnet became a hotbed of crime

tt9 · 27/07/2023 21:16

I am also excellent at knocking people out and paralysing them. have also been known to administer truth serum

RumNotRun · 27/07/2023 21:19

@712oohahh I'm similar with the Facebook stalking thing, my sister and friends often ask me to investigate someone they like, or new people at work etc.

I'm also relatively antisocial and WFH, so I reckon I could disappear for a while to go and be an assassin. Plus, no one thinks I can keep a secret, even though they don't know what secrets I am keeping, so being a secret agent/spy/assassin would be a great double bluff.

Perhaps we do the research on the guards so that we know their weak spot or phobia so other posters can take advantage of them. Alas I am too fat for fieldwork so would be best being more the Penelope Garcia to OP's BAU team (Criminal Minds reference)

Finnegans · 27/07/2023 21:25

This thread has cheered me up. I posted a deeply silly Mn criminal heist suggestion, went to therapy and cried for an hour about stuff, and then came home to discover it had taken on a life of its own, and there’s now an entire cohort of Mumsnetters planning to knock off the Crown Jewels and a raven or two.

I’m not even in the UK, so I will have to just look innocently at the tv when a newscaster says ‘Beefeaters and Met baffled as invisible gang make off with Crown Jewels (Raven is suspected hostage). Nothing on CCTV!’

I agree that if middle-aged women went evil, we’d get quite a lot of evil stuff done before anyone noticed. I used to think the same thing when I had a small baby in a pushchair — that I could have strafed a central London street with bullets, looted the shops, stuck the gun underneath in the nappy bag and strolled off invisibly…

Original poster
Octonaut4Life · 27/07/2023 22:23

I feel like we definitely have enough skills on this thread to do two heists (at once?). Perhaps one heist we go for the middle aged ladies disguise and the other we use the classic pram technique... Would also have the benefit of separating the ravens from the cats...🤔

OP posts:
SisterAgatha · 27/07/2023 22:30

No I’d be rubbish. I have the skills, patience, ingenuity and a love for revenge served cold. But I boast. I’d be my own downfall.

712oohahh · 27/07/2023 22:35

RumNotRun · 27/07/2023 21:19

@712oohahh I'm similar with the Facebook stalking thing, my sister and friends often ask me to investigate someone they like, or new people at work etc.

I'm also relatively antisocial and WFH, so I reckon I could disappear for a while to go and be an assassin. Plus, no one thinks I can keep a secret, even though they don't know what secrets I am keeping, so being a secret agent/spy/assassin would be a great double bluff.

Perhaps we do the research on the guards so that we know their weak spot or phobia so other posters can take advantage of them. Alas I am too fat for fieldwork so would be best being more the Penelope Garcia to OP's BAU team (Criminal Minds reference)

Ahh Babygirl! I sense a partner in crime spying!

Hawkins0001 · 27/07/2023 23:08

We need to recruit Michael Stone + team from hustle.

Beenhereforever1978 · 27/07/2023 23:16

Octonaut4Life · 27/07/2023 22:23

I feel like we definitely have enough skills on this thread to do two heists (at once?). Perhaps one heist we go for the middle aged ladies disguise and the other we use the classic pram technique... Would also have the benefit of separating the ravens from the cats...🤔

Please, I don't want to do two trips what with the congestion charge and all.

Cats definitely have to go in the prams. My entire family were discussing this plan at dinner tonight and we decided that for the ravens we will need some sandwiches and a lobster pot.

I'm feeling a code name is needed. Octonauts meets Ocean's Eleven. May I open the floor to suggestions?

Hawkins0001 · 27/07/2023 23:17

@Beenhereforever1978
Operation Hydra

merrymelodies · 27/07/2023 23:23

I have no fingerprints as childhood eczema destroyed them.

VerityUnreasonble · 27/07/2023 23:34

Oooh I've watched a lot of detective shows and many episodes of CSI and the like. I feel I could contribute valuable knowledge to the squad.

Also I like jewels. You can keep the ravens and cats.

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