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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sister hasn't helped clear mum's house

28 replies

Heatherland77 · 27/07/2023 13:30

I'm looking to share my thoughts with anyone who's been put in a similar position.

Our mum recently passed away after two years of dementia. It has been an exhausting two years of worry, not helped by the COVID aftermath.

The day mum went into arrest, I got the call to go to hospital as mum wasn't going to make it. I desperately tried to get hold of my sister who was nowhere to be found and I literally ended up calling pubs, golf club etc in her local area to try to get the message through to get in the car and come say your goodbyes. Sister finally got message but was so late arriving, she missed her chance.

I ended up having to give consent to switch mum's life support off on my own. I'm still traumatized by this. It's been six months.

We have been estranged for years on and off because my sister's husband decided 25 years ago that he didn't really want me spending time with my sister. I didn't get to see her children or develop any meaningful relationship with them. I've tried very hard to maintain contact but it always falls by the wayside and leaves me upset.

For a few weeks, my sister became friendly, told me she loved me, and talked of making plans, wanted to go to Scotland with me, then it was
Guernsey, but it was all just talk I now realise. As we started cleaning and clearing our mum's house, she scooped up all the financial paperwork and mum's will, turned up with a van and took all items left to her in the will from the house. That was March. She hasn't come to help since and I haven't even received a copy of the will from her. When I've attempted to ask her if she's coming back to help, I get silence.

I've been left with a four bedroom house to clear, a garden to tidy and a load of decorating jobs. I'm close to 50 with a full time job and I'm exhausted.

It's got to the point where I'd had no updates regarding the estate or probate etc. Mum had arranged for both of us to be executors with a solicitor also as executor to keep things fair and transparent as unfortunately mum worried this might happen due to the on/off estrangement. Sister was trying to ditch the solicitor and do everything herself, I put my foot down and said no way, mum wanted the solicitor involved. I am now so full of anxiety about the will and this situation, I've asked that sister only speak to me via the solicitor so things have some kind of governance.

Sister constantly received money from mum to pay for her children's private school education and as a result, mum has left me a larger portion of the estate to again, make things fair and even. I half suspect this is what's causing the silence.

Also my dad was violent towards just me during childhood and wrote me out of his will, sister received everything so this whole thing is messed up.

OP posts:
WeightInLine · 27/07/2023 13:33

Just email the solicitor and ask for a copy of the will. Then detail the hours you have spent clearing and charge them to the estate. Either your sister can do the same or she can arrange for someone to come in her place.

what you want - a loving sister with lots of team work - is not going to happen. Try to accept that as quickly as you can.

Riverlee · 27/07/2023 13:34

Speaking from experience both mine and friends, theres usually one or two siblings that does all the grunt work in these situations, and one who does nothing. Often it’s the richest one that does nothing, or the one with least commitments. Those that live further away, or have a busier life (eg young children) do all the legwork.

Regarding the will, legally you have to carry out its instructions and can’t deviate from it. It’s a process which your solicitor should be able to guide you through.

FrenchandSaunders · 27/07/2023 13:38

@Riverlee that is so true. When my mum had to go into a home I had to do almost everything … emptying house, selling it etc. Despite a long commute into London for my job and two primary aged DCs.

Brother had adult children and local job.

This is hard OP but she isn’t going to change. Get hold of the will via your solicitor and instruct them to start the ball rolling with probate etc.

Ponderingwindow · 27/07/2023 13:41

She isn’t going to help.

I would strongly consider asking the solicitor to sign off on hiring a company to clear out your mother’s home. Then 2 executors will be in agreement on spending the money. All you need to do is remove sentimental items first.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 27/07/2023 13:45

Sorry about your sister OP- the will is legally binding, you will see the accounts and all will be inline with what’s written down. I wouldn’t communicate with your sister at this point.

GalaApples · 27/07/2023 13:46

You poor thing OP. I had similar lack of input from my brothers when our DM died. I was left to clear the entire house where she had lived for 60 years, except that they came once early on and removed what they wanted (some of which had been left to me). It took me ages to clear the house because of problems I have, and the sheer amount of stuff. Because of estrangement all paperwork was done via a solicitor.

As executor, you must take part in decisions over your mother's estate - that is a responsibility as well as something that will benefit you. You absolutely must get a copy of the will, and indicate to the solicitor that you should be equally involved as your sister in executing the will. The solicitor needs to be communicating equally with both of you. Flowers

YukoandHiro · 27/07/2023 13:46

Riverlee · 27/07/2023 13:34

Speaking from experience both mine and friends, theres usually one or two siblings that does all the grunt work in these situations, and one who does nothing. Often it’s the richest one that does nothing, or the one with least commitments. Those that live further away, or have a busier life (eg young children) do all the legwork.

Regarding the will, legally you have to carry out its instructions and can’t deviate from it. It’s a process which your solicitor should be able to guide you through.

And those siblings that do the work are also usually female.

UpaladderwatchingTV · 27/07/2023 13:49

I take it that you know which solicitor is being used OP?

GalaApples · 27/07/2023 13:55

Hankie
There is no need for OP to pay for a copy of her mother's will as she is an executor. She should have one already but if not, the solicitor will provide it.

LardoBurrows · 27/07/2023 14:08

Op, would you consider using a house clearance service? I know the British Heart Foundation offers such a service. You could ask the solicitor if they will agree to this, plus a house cleaning service and a gardener to tidy and clear the garden. If solicitors agree you can organise and the costs should come out of the estate. It would take the pressure off you.

Is it really necessary to do any decorating if you are going to sell the property? Most estate agents will say it's not necessary especially if the whole house needs updating anyway. Once the house is cleared and given a good clean then it should be ok to be put on the market.

Has Probate been granted yet? If not you need to chase this up.

I'm sorry for your loss and that your sister is so unsupportive. Flowers.

ButterCrackers · 27/07/2023 14:13

Go to a solicitor to sort it all out. Your sister shouldn’t have taken anything from the house until the will has been read. Tell her via the solicitor to bring the things back. You don’t need to do anything for the house. Once the will is ready and everything is divided you can use a house clearance and cleaning company.

Thisismynewusername1 · 27/07/2023 14:16

Similar here.

it’s been nearly a year, no update, nothing. No probate registered. not seen the will even. Bank accounts emptied though.

our issue is there is a surviving parent, in a home with dementia. We suspect they were executor, but as they are unable to act sibling has the will and has nominated themselves as replacement executor.

so we can’t actually do anything. I think we are going to wait the year out then we’ll have to pay for a solicitor to sort it out.

wills and POA are so open to abuse it’s untrue.

Thisismynewusername1 · 27/07/2023 14:17

Oh and we paid for someone to come in and clear the house. Removal company packed up a few personal bits, china, pictures etc and brought them to us to sort, then a clearance company did the rest for £500.

maddiemookins16mum · 27/07/2023 15:13

I did everything when my Mum died, everything. I lived 4 hours from her house and did not have a car. My sister lived in the same town with a car.
I worked full time too (she was not working).
In the end the only thing she did was spend her 55K inheritance on online bingo. I wish all kinds of evil karma on her. Her last words to my Mum in hospital (lying pretty much in a coma) were ‘off now Mum, not hanging round to watch you die’.

BrownHairedGirlWithTheBrightestSmile · 27/07/2023 15:17

You can’t make her do anything. She is who she is.

If it’s too much for you to clear the house and sort the garden, pay someone to do it.

meemawww · 27/07/2023 15:41

My mums sister did exactly the same when my Gran died. All she was interested in was her share of the money. Thankfully i now never have to speak to the cunt again

Mariposista · 27/07/2023 16:02

So sorry OP. My mum is going through similar with my beloved gran who died 3 months ago. She is one of 4, and the only one to have cared for her, and is dealing with her house with my help. I have taken 12 planes since January fro my home in Europe to help with caring, her death, funeral plans, support and house clearing. Little to no help from others. It is rubbish isn't it. Gran knew it too.
No way will I be having a big family. I'm quite happy being an only child right now! (said with irony - I am sure that other people have very supportive siblings). But my poor gran, and your poor mum...

Riverlee · 28/07/2023 06:34

YukoandHiro · 27/07/2023 13:46

And those siblings that do the work are also usually female.

Show quote history

Yes!

Lamelie · 28/07/2023 06:38

Ponderingwindow · 27/07/2023 13:41

She isn’t going to help.

I would strongly consider asking the solicitor to sign off on hiring a company to clear out your mother’s home. Then 2 executors will be in agreement on spending the money. All you need to do is remove sentimental items first.

Thank goodness there’s a third executor.
Collect sentimental things and hand over to the solicitor to arrange the rest.

Frydaycryday · 28/07/2023 06:45

You've had good advice up thread.
I just wanted to maybe reassure you, that turning off life support is ALWAYS a medical decision. The discussion is held with you, but ultimately it's not your choice. It's done like that for many reason, to avoid situations like this being one.

The medical team may not have made that explicit. You wouldn't have had the conversation if they were not convinced it was the right course of action .

It was not your responsibility.
It was her time.
Please let your mind rest over this.

When time allows,.consider some grief counselling.

I wish you well.

determinedtomakethiswork · 28/07/2023 06:46

I am so sorry you lost your mum. You did a very brave thing at the end of her life and I'm sure she would have been very very grateful to you. It's clear she loved you.

💐

Is there another copy of the will though? It sounds as though it was in the house without another copy.

JuneOsborne · 28/07/2023 06:47

I know the house seems like a really pressing thing, and I know what it's like to have to deal with your deceased parents stuff: it's not easy.

But the will thing is what worries me the most. You need to get on that. As joint executors you should be as involved as your sister. Do you think she's doing things she shouldn't be?

First steps. If you know the solicitor, contact them, get a copy of the will and go from there with their advice.

If you don't, get yourself a solicitor, explain the situation and take their advice.

As for the house, are any of the items likely to be listed in the will as specifically going to someone? Because until you know that it's going to be tricky to dispose of stuff.

I don't suppose things like clothes, towels, bedlinen would have been bequeathed. Or the kettle, toaster and things like that. What about jewellery, family photos, the more sentimental stuff?

Both times my parents died, I was left with giant pieces of antique furniture to deal with. The kind of things that they loved and felt were valuable but in reality I didn't want and we're only worth a couple of hundred quid each. But I felt incredibly guilty about.

Sorry for your loss and the shitty aftermath. I hope you find a way through.

Original poster
Heatherland77 · 31/07/2023 17:07

Thank you everyone for responding and for your advice. I have been sent mum's will by the solicitor now and have requested full control of the house part of the process. Sister seems to be okay with this and the solicitor is happy to keep things open and transparent. The anxiety I have had about this is now lifted, also the anxiety caused by my sister doing a 'slow fade' on me with no explanation. That has been the biggest upset; that she was probably being nice to get what she wanted out of the house.

OP posts:
Natles22 · 31/12/2023 06:19

Call your neighborhood legal services for free advice. If you're able, have a mutual friend or relative give your sister a message. Sorry you have to deal with all of this.

Edit: I see you got a copy of the will. Are you keeping home or having an estate sale? Tell your sister she has until X date to get items or they will be donated, sold or kept by you. Also have her pay part for any cleanup, fees , trash removal, etc that you either need to split or she needs to reimburse her half. Even for your time. Take note pictures of everything you have done, sell, pack etc

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