what do you do with a nine/ten month old? Feel I have got things very wrong

[nurseryworri]

I am basically alone with our baby (partner in forces). I try to go out once a day to the shops for a browse, the park etc and I do see friends but obviously they mostly want to chat and the baby is just held and distracted with a toy.

An example of my morning… wake up, baby has breakfast. Goes in jumperoo for 20 mins while I make and eat my own food. I sit on my phone a bit with a coffee while he’s in it. (I know, it’s bad, I just feel alone a lot and need some sort of adult connection).

Then we read a couple of books and play in the play pen. I am waiting for his milk time and nap. I just sit with him really as he doesn’t give that much back, just messing with things. Then he has a nap. Then in the afternoon we will go out so he’s in the car a lot and then if we are out and about on a walk etc I do chat to him but also looking at things in the shops etc and he doesn’t have much one to one attention. Then back for dinner, story and bed etc.

I can be quite engaging with him but the other day he was laughing his head off and I realised I am not making enough effort for that to happen. It takes a lot of energy. I just try to get through the days successfully. That sounds like I am depressed but I don’t think I am, things are just busy, so I like to maintain a steady time. But it’s obvious I am not making enough effort. He will go to nursery in a few weeks and I feel guilty about that too!

What do you do with your baby?!

I felt just like you OP, and I think I even posted on here something very similar! Looking back on it, I was doing just fine. This age is tough.

We weren't able to go to baby groups because of COVID and I really felt at the time that we were missing out (mostly me for the adult interaction!) so maybe try one or two if you can.

Other than that, we filled our days with walks to the park and a little go on the swings, songs and a little dance in the living room, playtime with a few toys (she loved the stacking cups, sensory balls and the Tomy eggs at this age), storytime and her just watching us get on with stuff.

I felt so guilty about using the TV for stuff like the Baby Club but wish I hadn't worried because it's fine, she enjoyed it and she's 3.5 now and not a TV fiend or anything 🤣 short bursts of it to break up the day/buy you 20 minutes of sanity are fine, as long as you are ok with it.

It all sounds fine and I don’t think you have anything to worry about. Things like feeding him, bathing him and putting him down for a nap ARE 1:1 time! If you chat away him and engage with him while you’re just doing everyday stuff, that’s the best interaction he could get.

It’s also good for babies to have that time in the car or buggy or just sitting on their play mat looking at the world and exploring it for themselves. Don’t feel guilty!

At that age I loved getting out with my DD, especially when the weather was good, as I didn’t really know what to do at home. We did Toddler group (£2) Mondays, baby gym (£9) Tuesdays, free song and story class Wednesdays, baby sensory (£7) Thursdays and our own thing (parks/ library/ walks/ swimming) on Fridays. I walked or occasionally took bus and always did naps/ lunch at home.

I’m a single mum to twins and always have been. They were two months premature and out of necessity went to a childminder at 6 months (so four months corrected) so I could go back to work 4 days a week. They’re now 9yo and the happiest, most well adjusted, confident kids around so do not feel guilty about nursery! I think there’s benefits to being at home and benefits to being in child care - swings and roundabouts. My two had something like 6 different childcare providers before they went to school - a combo of moving twice to be in nicer areas, one awful one I took them out of stat, and patchwork childcare in a new area to fit my hours. When they went to school they literally didn’t give me a backwards glance and are extremely confident in unfamiliar surroundings now. When they were little, I just used to get out once a day. Sometimes it was a baby class (I hated them until I found a friend at baby clinic randomly, then we went together), or soft play or a National Trust property, sometimes it was for a walk round the block, or just to the local shop, or a shopping centre or a friend’s house. I used to give them loads of toys to play with but they always preferred the washing machine and pots and pans. I used to sit them in their high chairs with a wooden spoon when I cooked. I lived in a flat with a balcony so in summer I sometimes filled a couple of tubs with bubbles and water and plastic toys which used to entertain them. Finally, my lb used to hoot with laughter which made his sister laugh too if I threw a (very soft, cotton wool filled) ball in his face. I also used to go on my phone because it was often boring. Completely ignoring them is obviously not ok, but a twenty minute session to get you ready for the day is totally fine. You need to stop feeling guilty. Love them, cuddle them, when they start talking listen, read to them, be patient with them (but also as they grow accept you will lose your shit sometimes and that’s fine, just say sorry afterwards & explain why in an age appropriate way - “mummy’s sorry she shouted sweetie, but I got a little bit cross when you jabbed me in the boob really hard for the 456th time today” 😂😂), set boundaries, brace against them testing those boundaries over and over again and you and they will be grand! Be kind to yourself, you’ve got this.

Humans evolved to have done this sort of thing collectively..nobody is supposed to spend day in day out alone with a baby.

Focus on your own social life and mental health and baby will be fine

I think you’re doing great!

def find some classes or sessions to do with dc, round here churches run very cheap one where you basically plonk your child down with some toys for a play and the mums chat and have tea.

i took mine to the park Almost every day when the weather was nice. Def felt important (for me) to get them out of the house every day. However I don’t think at that age they NEED trips out or social activities, It’s more for mum’s benefit.

at 18 months or so interacting with others becomes much more important

Baby classes. They provide structure to the day and you get to chat to other mums.

I'm not good at 'playing' but doing a class together gives some great 1-2-1 playtime, singing songs and doing the activities. Really nice way to bond without having to think what to do.

I did loads of toddler groups and baby classes when mine were that age (at least 4 days a week) as I'd have been bored and lonely staying at home!
Visiting friends, having friends round and going for a coffee all good entertainment for a baby too.

Sounds like you’re doing just fine to me. It’s dull as ditchwater being a home with babies, you do have to keep yourself sane too so don’t feel it has to be all about baby 100% of the time. At that age as long as you’re chatting away to them plenty (not all the time) and they’re getting a chance to potter about with toys or more likely just stuff about the house you’re giving them what they need.

Oh just enjoy the phase before they need absolute and constant attention because it lasts about 10 years!! DD1 I spend loads of time at bloody boring baby classes. DD2 I was planning my wedding and most of our maternity leave outings were to meet florists, buy outfits etc. She’s just as intelligent, outgoing, inquisitive and funny as DD1 ans doesn’t remember the months of neglect

Sounds absolutely fine to me. You don't need to entertain baby constantly.

Mine is 8 months next week and I'm back to work but you pretty much just described typical weekends except with the occasional soft play, swimming, playground/walk etc baby groups weren't my thing when I was on maternity leave.

Hi lovely!

I know you’ve had lots of replies but just wanted to say that it’s not our job as mums to constantly entertain babies.

I sometimes take my baby for walks or groups/soft play but find the days that run the smoothest are the ones where I just take baby on errands.

I started selling stuff on Vinted so would take baby to the post office with me.

I think by 9 months I was starting to feel more like myself and it’s a good time to start doing stuff for you. I used to like hiking so I’ve brought a 2nd hand backpack carrier and I’ve been ticking off places. Maybe have a think about what you would like to do more of that is feasible with baby?

One of my favourite pieces of advice my mom gave to me when my firstborn was little was "babies need thinking time" - and it's true! They don't have to be seeing new exciting things constantly, they need time to process and think too. And also, repeating the same things and activities is good for them too, babies like repetition and learning routines/patterns.

It sounds like you're doing a great job to me x

You're doing fine. Your baby is still brand new, every day will feel different to him even if it's all the same to you. I had the same worries, I constantly gave myself a hard time about not being a more engaged or entertaining mum with my eldest. I wish I'd been kinder to myself.

It’s a really funny age where they’re very much out of newborn stage but nowhere near toddler stage and can get very frustrated and it can be a little bit boring, but it does get more fun/easier, mine is now 10.5 months and it’s getting better.

We always try to get out for a walk in the buggy at least once a day. This could be to a class or just to the park- he is now old enough to enjoy the swings for a short period of time.

If finances allow I would join a baby class or two, mine loves them. If money is tight, or even just as something else, if you live near a library they often have free things like story time or rhyme time.

It’s also not bad at all to have a coffee and go on your phone while he plays in the jumperoo!!! It’s totally fine and needed.

I also have really worked on independent floor play with my baby, put out a couple of toys, not too many that it’s overwhelming, and leave them to play (obviously where you can see him). They need to learn we can’t be sat right next to them
constantly! But then because he’s now happy to do that, I find it less relentless and love spending lots of time reading to him, listening to music, playing with his toys etc. We always make bathtime a big event too, lots of bath toys and a really draw it out before milk and stories and bed at night.

Does he nap well? Mine has 2 hrs at lunchtime plus 20 mins ish morning and honestly that lunchtime nap is a saviour. It sounds like you’re doing absolutely fine. Also talking to him even if it seems silly, just narrating your day! I do this all the time, it really helps with language development.

Some days the day does feel very long and it is hard. But it gets better. X

This sounds fine. I think it is a bit boring for the first one unfortunately - they have no older siblings to be entertained by!

Babies don't need loads of "stimulation" and "activities", they want to be involved in ordinary life. Going about your day and bringing him along for the ride is perfectly fine.

We did a couple of paid classes each week (swimming and music) and free stuff like bounce and rhyme at the library or meeting a friend the other days. Made sure we did something every day. What you describe sounds very normal.

We get up and I pop him in a bouncy chair whilst I drink a coffee he faces me and I sing to him with actions wheels on the bus etc for the duration of a playlist (enough time for coffee) 20 mins.
Then tummy time for 20 mins or so lots of encouraging remarks not much chat as such. Then playmat together practicing sitting/rolling playing with different cups/toys with me for about another 30 mins. Then about 20 mins supervised unsupported play on his playmat (then I might look atu phone texts etc) with changing and feeds etc this can be the whole of the first part of the morning.
Then a nap (he only will have 45mins wish this was longer!)
Then we go to some sort of baby class music with mummy or story sense.
Then home for a nap another 45 mins.
Afternoon we have a music playlist more singing maybe dancing (badly I might add) then some story books a bit in the jumperoo some sort of sequence type game ready steady go then blow bubbles is our one of the moment. Then 3rd short nap.
By this point I'm normally pretty tired to and if my husband is home he takes over when he isn't which happens quite a bit I tend to pop him back in his bouncy chair and move him round the house with me cleaning/cooking having a chat about what we are doing.

He's a really happy baby I'm really lucky and he's just under 7 months old now so it's probably quite different age wise. I feel on paper we do a lot but I still feel I need to interact with him more on a 1-1 but it's hard when your tired and it's pretty repetitive.

I did activities. Usually in a morning-
Mon - food shop/meet friends
Tues - toddler group
weds - swimming
Thurs - play group
Fri - breast feeding group
Then lunch, nap, play, tea bath bed

Baby classes, stay and plays and spent my time making friends with other mums from these places and also from an app called peanut - try it! I'm half way through my second mat leave and both times my social life has never been better. This age is great because you can meet up with other mum friends at soft play and have a good chat while the babies crawl around and play. It gets harder to be able to carry on a conversation once they are toddlers and are getting into everything.

Please remember you are doing this on your own so you absolutely are doing enough. And don’t feel guilty about having a coffee and being on your phone, I tell my toddler to give me 10 minutes when I’m having a cup of tea I need it too. I don’t particularly make my kid laugh like crazy all day, his dads home at the weekend and he makes him laugh. You can’t do everything, we can’t be the funniest, we do all the caring and we’re the mums, I’d love to be the fun mum all the time but it’s bloody exhausting. Have you got a soft play around? I used to do soft play once a week, and maybe a playgroup, but if nothing else a walk in the park is enough. I remember feeling like I wasn’t doing enough at that age too, but honestly your there and your loving and that’s enough.

Nursery will be really good for him.

A typical day for my 18 month old tends to be:
7-8 Breakfast + Get baby dressed
8-9 Colouring in a high chair whilst I get myself dressed and ready
9-9.30 Snack + Get ready to go out
9.30-12.00 Go out (shops then park/swimming/softplay/rhymetime @ library/toddler class)
12.00-12.30 Lunch
12.30-2.30 Nap (I get jobs done round the house and go on my phone)
2.30-4.30 Snack then focused play time together - crafts, playing with toys, playing in garden
4.30-5.30 Baby watches tv whilst I cook dinner and prep lunch for the next day
5.30-6.00 Dinner
6.00-6.30 Independent play with toys
6.30-7.30 Bath, Books, Bottle, Bed
7.30-10.30 Me time - this is when I see friends or on a weekend for a couple of hours without baby

It's equally important for your child to be immersed in the world around him as it is you interracting with him. Being in the jumperoo for short periods will help him strengthen his core and legs in preparation for walking. As long as you are talking to him and smiling at him, and taking care of his basic needs (which it sounds like you are) then you are doing a fantastic job. The age between crawling and walking can feel a bit like being in limbo. Plenty of play and challenges, like crawling over and under things, walking along furniture etc will keep you both engaged as you'll likely be waiting for them to fall! 🙈 please don't beat yourself up though. Being at nursery he will get all of the above and more, this means less time for you feeling guilty (because as parents all we do is feel guilty) about the fact you're not doing enough (which by the way you are!! 🥰) so when he's home you get all the cuddles and all the giggles. You've got this mummy 🤜💪

Have you got a local children centre? I have an 8 month and I go to a baby class every day (I was also the mum before baby born saying I wasn’t interested in baby class as I’m really not that social) but honestly my Dc loves them - and as pps have said it helps keep the day going smoothly as you have something to get to plus they tire Dc out.

Anyway my local childrens centre has classes every day for free so maybe have a look? We are in London so maybe it’s different as lots of people here who need the extra support.

Otherwise look at local church as sometimes they have stay and plays for just a quid or two.

I agree with you that the days can be very difficult if it is just you and baby. The odd day I don’t do baby class I end up feeling depressed and baby ratty by the end of the day. The days we do a class we are fine. Keep going xxx

You're doing perfectly, more than enough I'd say.

My day with my dd at that age was very similar except more stuff for me. So I took her to the pub or nice cafes and plonked her in a high chair with snacks while I caught up with friends. At home she would sit on the mat or in the playpen and mess with toys while I went on my phone or watched grown-up TV I liked (enjoy it while you can before the endless peppa pig). She stood in the jumperoo for more than one session a day, I'll be honest - it was in the kitchen so whenever I was cooking or doing laundry.

She was a breastfeeding fiend so I still gave her lots of cuddles and attention between those times. I always pulled her straight out of the jumperoo or playpen the moment she cocomplained. I think we had a good balance.