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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To go on this weekend away?

35 replies

Sackingitoff · 27/07/2023 07:24

I travel to Dubai a lot for work, at least once every couple of months. Over the last couple of years, I’ve have struck up a bit of a thing with a guy who lives there.

We always have a great time when I’m there. No real romance. Definitely just friends with benefits when I’m in town. We usually go out for dinner and a few drinks etc or he’ll take me out with his mates. Great fun, great in bed, easy company.

On my last trip there though he treated me really disrespectfully in such a way that he made it clear that while he was still happy for a shag and a quick drink, I wasn’t someone important to him. It wasn’t anything awful but it was a shift in energy, for sure.

I’ve got no emotional attachment to him so it didn’t feel a great loss, but never nice to be treated like that by another person.

I told him what I thought of his behaviour and he did apologise but we’ve not been anywhere near as touch since then.

He’s coming to the U.K. for work in August and before all this happened, we’d arranged that I’d go up to London for the weekend and spend it with him and we’d go out and do a fun weekend of touristy stuff and pubs etc.

I assumed it wasn’t going ahead after that last trip too Dubai. I knew he was still coming to the U.K. but assumed he’d just meet with other people he knew here or something.

Last week he got in touch and sent me his flight details and said he was looking forward to it!

I wasn’t filled with joy about it but nonetheless I replied with some logistical questions and it’s now been four days and he’s read the message and not replied, which is pretty typical of him, of late.

Really torn on it. I don’t want to let him down as he (at least previously!) was always a great host in Dubai and really looked after me. There’s no doubt it’ll be a really fun weekend too. I haven’t been to London for a few years and he’s great company too, so it really would be a good laugh (if I can swallow my irritation towards him!).

On the other hand, his recent behaviour makes me feel like as a self-respecting woman, it feels a bit gross to go and spend the weekend with him.

Absolutely can’t decide what to do!

OP posts:
Mindymomo · 27/07/2023 07:28

If you can go just being friends, maybe I would, but I certainly wouldn’t stay in his bedroom, under no circumstances would I sleep with some who disrespected me.

user1494050295 · 27/07/2023 07:31

And take a friend with you perhaps?

Sparkletastic · 27/07/2023 07:31

I'd make an excuse and say you can't make it after all.

MrsRachelDanvers · 27/07/2023 07:32

It sounds to me that if you go, you’ll end up feeling a bit shit-unless you have a frank conversation with him first. He knows he upset you, so you’d think he’d be making an effort to do better-not being a it rude re messages. If you go, could you make it clear to him it’s now strictly platonic and see his reaction?

Persiana · 27/07/2023 07:36

I would be honest with him now. Say what you've said here- this isn't you being secretly emotionally attached, you liked the set up but he made you feel like shit. So now you aren't comfortable with said set up, you won't be sleeping with him etc. If he gives a decent caring response, as a friend would, maybe meet him for a day? But don't stay with him. You don't owe him hosting based on his earlier good behaviour

Tinkerbyebye · 27/07/2023 07:56

He’s treated you disrespectfully and continues to do so, why set yourself up for more

text him back, be honest about how he’s treated you and tell him the ‘relationship’ has run its course and move on

Hufflepods · 27/07/2023 07:59

On my last trip there though he treated me really disrespectfully in such a way that he made it clear that while he was still happy for a shag and a quick drink, I wasn’t someone important to him

I mean you haven’t admitted it yet but this is clearly what you are. This isn’t a relationship, neither of you go out of your way to see each other, you’re just a convenient booty call when you both happen to be in the same place.

FrenchandSaunders · 27/07/2023 08:07

Don’t go. I’ve just had a similar
conversation with my DD … you’re worth more.

Original poster
Sackingitoff · 27/07/2023 08:08

Mindymomo · 27/07/2023 07:28

If you can go just being friends, maybe I would, but I certainly wouldn’t stay in his bedroom, under no circumstances would I sleep with some who disrespected me.

A good shag is the main reason I’m actually considering going 😂

OP posts:
Original poster
Sackingitoff · 27/07/2023 08:09

Hufflepods · 27/07/2023 07:59

On my last trip there though he treated me really disrespectfully in such a way that he made it clear that while he was still happy for a shag and a quick drink, I wasn’t someone important to him

I mean you haven’t admitted it yet but this is clearly what you are. This isn’t a relationship, neither of you go out of your way to see each other, you’re just a convenient booty call when you both happen to be in the same place.

I don’t disagree with you - that’s exactly what we are. But I still think that there’s a level of respect with which you treat any other person, regardless of who they are.

I’m not sure what your point is?

OP posts:
JMSA · 27/07/2023 08:29

OP, just a thought that came into my head. Could it be that when he treated you disrespectfully, he was showing you who he really was? And the other times, when he did a good job of hosting, it was a bit of an act?
I don't know, I guess I'd just be a bit wary. We all make mistakes and I'm sure he isn't dodgy, but I don't think I'd be able to look at him in the same way again.
Flowers

Original poster
Sackingitoff · 27/07/2023 08:38

JMSA · 27/07/2023 08:29

OP, just a thought that came into my head. Could it be that when he treated you disrespectfully, he was showing you who he really was? And the other times, when he did a good job of hosting, it was a bit of an act?
I don't know, I guess I'd just be a bit wary. We all make mistakes and I'm sure he isn't dodgy, but I don't think I'd be able to look at him in the same way again.
Flowers

You’ve hit the nail on the head about how I feel about him now. Not saying he’s a bad person but he’s definitely not the absolute sweetheart I thought he was. And now I’ve got the ick a bit really.

OP posts:
PeanutButterOnToad · 27/07/2023 08:39

I really wouldn’t go tbh, if he shows an unpleasant side of himself again where does that leave you? Are you intending to stay with him? How would you get home or even just leave the situation if you needed to? Prioritise your safety, you don’t owe him anything.

Original poster
Sackingitoff · 27/07/2023 08:40

PeanutButterOnToad · 27/07/2023 08:39

I really wouldn’t go tbh, if he shows an unpleasant side of himself again where does that leave you? Are you intending to stay with him? How would you get home or even just leave the situation if you needed to? Prioritise your safety, you don’t owe him anything.

Oh I definitely have no safety concerns. He’s just annoying!

OP posts:
Rainallnight · 27/07/2023 08:42

I wouldn’t go. Ick only breeds more ick. And you’d feel terrible about yourself if he treated you badly.

Chocbuttonsandredwine · 27/07/2023 08:43

I wouldn’t go.

he’s given you the ick. Dynamic has changed. I would bet you wouldn’t have as good a time as you’d be thinking about the way he has treated you all weekend.

You are worth more. No thanks

LuvMyBoyz · 27/07/2023 08:47

He’s shown his true colours. You had a gut instinct about where you stood with him. Trust it and avoid him.

BarrelOfOtters · 27/07/2023 08:51

The ice will just get worse, I’d cut my losses now while it’s still relatively ok. Always leave wanting more.

Hufflepods · 27/07/2023 08:57

Sackingitoff · 27/07/2023 08:09

I don’t disagree with you - that’s exactly what we are. But I still think that there’s a level of respect with which you treat any other person, regardless of who they are.

I’m not sure what your point is?

Show quote history

Because you’re upset he made you feel like you weren’t important to him, but you aren’t, that’s the point.
You’ve obviously been taking this more seriously than him so cut your loses, have some respect for yourself and move on. You don’t need to meet up with him just because he happens to be in the same country!

BatsHaveButtcheeks · 27/07/2023 08:57

I had a FWB, similar to you, for good fun and sex with no strings attached.

One time he was incredibly rude to me when drunk. When we spoke about it, he said he just wanted me to know he'd never be in a relationship with me, and not to get feelings about him.

I didn't want to be, and wasn't getting feelings, but I couldn't go back to how it was before, as his behaviour was so twattish to me, I wasn't standing for it.

TakeMe2Insanity · 27/07/2023 09:07

Tinkerbyebye · 27/07/2023 07:56

He’s treated you disrespectfully and continues to do so, why set yourself up for more

text him back, be honest about how he’s treated you and tell him the ‘relationship’ has run its course and move on

Best advice.

If someone treats you disrespectfully once they’ll do it again. The fact he hasn’t responded to your message to me sounds like he is enjoying the fact that you are waiting for him. I’d block him and move on with my life.

Original poster
Sackingitoff · 27/07/2023 09:07

BatsHaveButtcheeks · 27/07/2023 08:57

I had a FWB, similar to you, for good fun and sex with no strings attached.

One time he was incredibly rude to me when drunk. When we spoke about it, he said he just wanted me to know he'd never be in a relationship with me, and not to get feelings about him.

I didn't want to be, and wasn't getting feelings, but I couldn't go back to how it was before, as his behaviour was so twattish to me, I wasn't standing for it.

Exactly exactly this! It was a really similar conversation. I couldn’t have been less interested in a relationship with him (he should be so lucky) but the audacity to feel he had to make a point about it, just rubbed me up the wrong way.

OP posts:
continentallentil · 27/07/2023 09:10

I don’t know what the voting means, but just message and say unfortunately you can’t now make it.

He just wants a reliable fuck and a drinking partner as part of his weekend away. This would be fine if you were still up for that, but he hasn’t treated you as you expect so it will make you feel bad about yourself.

Why would you even consider it?

continentallentil · 27/07/2023 09:12

TakeMe2Insanity · 27/07/2023 09:07

Best advice.

If someone treats you disrespectfully once they’ll do it again. The fact he hasn’t responded to your message to me sounds like he is enjoying the fact that you are waiting for him. I’d block him and move on with my life.

Show quote history

Honestly I wouldn’t engage with him this much.

Just say you can’t make it.

Don’t give him any more energy or time

nonman · 27/07/2023 09:13

don't go, he wants a shag.

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