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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Gave up all my male friends for my partner.

31 replies

DistortedReality · 27/07/2023 00:00

Almost a decade ago I met my partner, at the time I had many friends (mostly male) who I played online games with. When my partner said he was uncomfortable with me having male friends I dropped them.
For as long as I remember I've been a people pleaser, therapy in the past couple years has shown me how much I "fawn".
It's a learnt behaviour from childhood, where I would do all I could to be loved.

I'm socially awkward and have always got on with men more than women. So have spent the past decade barely speaking to anyone just so I didn't make my partner feel uncomfortable.
I find myself thinking back to the deep friendships I had and feeling empty now.
I gave up so much for my partner, but I'm not being true to who I am. When I bring up giving up friendships with guys for him, he makes me feel like I'm some sort of whore for wanting to speak to them, when it's not like that at all.

We have children together, our lives are enmeshed, it's not as simple as just leaving. Though I wish I could, and often daydream of doing so.

OP posts:
Finnegans · 27/07/2023 00:02

Don’t ever sacrifice friends of either sex for a relationship — especially as the friendships are likely to outlast it. In your case, can you reconnect with some of them, and say you regret dropping them?

Original poster
DistortedReality · 27/07/2023 00:06

Yes I could reconnect, but my partner wouldn't allow me, and would acuse me of cheating if I did

OP posts:
Original poster
DistortedReality · 27/07/2023 00:13

I feel trapped

OP posts:
Original poster
DistortedReality · 27/07/2023 00:28

How do I get out of this

OP posts:
continentallentil · 27/07/2023 00:34

People always recommend the Freedom Programme, so maybe start with that emotionally

Practically, do you have a job? Pull all your and your husbands financial info and go and see a solicitor to see how money would be divided in a split. If there isn’t much money to go round citizens advice can help you know what you’d be able to claim and where you can get further help.

Take it step by step and you’ll get there.

Keep posting here for support.

Agapornis · 27/07/2023 00:36

You start preparing for life without him. Get your personal finances and career in order. Seek legal advice. Keep all that quiet. Start some new hobbies and make new friends - maybe some women's groups like the WI and netball, so he can't criticise.

Has he done other horrible things to you in the decade since? People who love you don't ask you to break all contact with your friends, regardless of gender. I suspect he is abusive in other ways. The unfounded extreme jealously is a classic characteristic. The Freedom Programme is often recommended here.

Original poster
DistortedReality · 27/07/2023 00:36

Thank you, I will look into that

OP posts:
TRexTara · 27/07/2023 00:49

Why can't you make deep friendships with women?

SleepingStandingUp · 27/07/2023 00:51

DistortedReality · 27/07/2023 00:06

Yes I could reconnect, but my partner wouldn't allow me, and would acuse me of cheating if I did

On what way would he stop you?

TRexTara · 27/07/2023 00:53

I do not know if you are in a controlling relationship or not. But i know that if the only friends my partner had where of the opposite sex I would be wondering what is wrong with them and wouldn't be happy at all. That's pretty much what you commit to in a relationship in my opinion, that their deepest emotional relationship is with you, not another woman or another man.

TRexTara · 27/07/2023 00:54

I personally could not cope with how you are and I say that as another woman so I can't judge your partner.

HeddaGarbled · 27/07/2023 00:57

Why can't you make deep friendships with women

Yes, that interests me too.

Obviously, there are issues with your partner, but I’m not convinced seeking close friendships with solely men is the answer.

TRexTara · 27/07/2023 00:59

I absolutely would break up with any partner who shared your views.

Asiatoyork · 27/07/2023 00:59

I personally could not cope with how you are and I say that as another woman so I can't judge your partner

Why do you think you are like this? It sounds deeply insecure.

OP - I agree with the advice from others. Get prepared to make the move. This sounds like an awful relationship. Would he really call you a ‘whore’ for having male friends? That language about women is very telling.

TRexTara · 27/07/2023 01:01

I don't care if other people think I'm insecure. This would not be a normal situation to me or other people in my social circle. I wouldn't tolerate it and that's my choice.

MrsTerryPratchett · 27/07/2023 01:04

TRexTara · 27/07/2023 01:01

I don't care if other people think I'm insecure. This would not be a normal situation to me or other people in my social circle. I wouldn't tolerate it and that's my choice.

You wouldn't tolerate your partner having friends of the opposite sex? At all?

Asiatoyork · 27/07/2023 01:05

I don't care if other people think I'm insecure. This would not be a normal situation to me or other people in my social circle. I wouldn't tolerate it and that's my choice

Of course it’s your choice. I was just interested. And I think that’s fine if you’re honest about your needs and decide to end the relationship because it doesn’t work for you.

What’s not fine is staying in the relationship and seeking to control someone to this level, and calling them horrible names if they don’t bend to your will.

strongcupofTea · 27/07/2023 01:13

TRexTara · 27/07/2023 00:49

Why can't you make deep friendships with women?

If you have certain interests that are more male dominated, and you enjoy talking about certain things men typically like talking about it can be hard to be friends with women. I've never been able to be friends with women either because they don't 'get me' and I don't 'get them' .
I'm very close with my mum and sister though and I did have a best friend growing up who was female, but she was also very much a Tom boy

TRexTara · 27/07/2023 01:20

@MrsTerryPratchett very few friends of the opposite sex. If they are deep profound friendships that exclude me I wouldn't tolerate it no.

DontGetEvenGetEverything · 27/07/2023 01:34

I don't know what your after here, OP, but I'm another person who can see your partner's side in this, to some extent. My DH's closest friend is female, but if he only interacted with her online, and I had never met her, I actually think I would ask him to nix the friendship if he wanted our relationship to continue. Maybe that's the green eyed monster, but even imagining that scenario leaves me feeling very uncomfortable.
What occurs to me is not that your husband has unresonable expectations, but he doesn't seem to care at you are so lonely. From what you describe, he doesn't offer any comfort or encouragement to you in your difficulty connecting with other women and making friends. So, even in your marriage you're lonely.
I hope a way towards building deeper connections with others becomes clear soon (whether that includes you hb or not).

saraclara · 27/07/2023 01:51

he makes me feel like I'm some sort of whore for wanting to speak to them,

Wow. So many people on this thread who are justifying this behaviour from him. Unbelievable.

SleepingStandingUp · 27/07/2023 02:03

TRexTara · 27/07/2023 00:53

I do not know if you are in a controlling relationship or not. But i know that if the only friends my partner had where of the opposite sex I would be wondering what is wrong with them and wouldn't be happy at all. That's pretty much what you commit to in a relationship in my opinion, that their deepest emotional relationship is with you, not another woman or another man.

But she hasn't said her deepest emotional relationships were with them, she just said they were friends. Is your partner only permitted passing acquaintances?

SleepingStandingUp · 27/07/2023 02:04

TRexTara · 27/07/2023 00:59

I absolutely would break up with any partner who shared your views.

Her views that she should be allowed to be friends with people?

GrumpyPanda · 27/07/2023 02:11

@DontGetEvenGetEverything

What occurs to me is not that your husband has unresonable expectations, but he doesn't seem to care at you are so lonely.

Fuck that. OP* *has explicitly said her sorry excuse for a partner "wouldn't allow" her to reconnect with friends, and you're trying to justify his abusive behaviour? Truly I despair.

Mustardforest · 27/07/2023 02:43

Thinking of you OP, especially as someone who has had difficulties with partners as most of my friends are guys. Honestly just really struggled with making female friends for years, and only just managing to do so now in my early thirties.

Just breathe, be practical, and remind yourself that there's a world beyond your husband. And you don't want his controlling behaviour to have a knock one effect on your children.

Start saving. Document everything. See a solicitor. Take baby steps, but steps nonetheless, reach out to people who've done similar on here for advice x

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