Gave up all my male friends for my partner.

[DistortedReality]

Almost a decade ago I met my partner, at the time I had many friends (mostly male) who I played online games with. When my partner said he was uncomfortable with me having male friends I dropped them.
For as long as I remember I've been a people pleaser, therapy in the past couple years has shown me how much I "fawn".
It's a learnt behaviour from childhood, where I would do all I could to be loved.

I'm socially awkward and have always got on with men more than women. So have spent the past decade barely speaking to anyone just so I didn't make my partner feel uncomfortable.
I find myself thinking back to the deep friendships I had and feeling empty now.
I gave up so much for my partner, but I'm not being true to who I am. When I bring up giving up friendships with guys for him, he makes me feel like I'm some sort of whore for wanting to speak to them, when it's not like that at all.

We have children together, our lives are enmeshed, it's not as simple as just leaving. Though I wish I could, and often daydream of doing so.

I have been in male-dominated environments for a lot of my adult life due to uni/career choices and hobbies. Also mostly had male friends at one point. Like you, I thought I just "got on" better with men than women, but realised that this was because I'd become accustomed to a certain interaction style, not because I inherently don't click with women.

Through a combination of new hobbies, reconnecting with childhood (girl)friends, and trying to be less rigid, I managed to build up a circle of great female friends in my late 20s. Some of my closest friends are still male, but I find that I get slightly different things from those guys and my female friends.

Could you maybe try and make some female friends through a hobby (or even female gamer community) to feel less isolated and have some support around you? NOT saying you should do this to appease your partner AT ALL, purely for your own sake - don't dismiss the possibility of female friends, you might surprise yourself.

This sounds really tricky and I'm sorry you're in this situation.

I don't think this is the hill to die on. Men are pretty vile for the most part - so you aren't missing much. Get some female friends

I guess it depends what OP means by "wouldn't allow." Like I said, if my partner had close, online relationships with women I'd never met I'd ask him to chose between those friendships and our relationship. If OP's husband has started controlling the accounts so she can't pay for internet connection, or insists on reading all her emails, or has threatened to tell her family demeaning lies about her to get her to comply, then, yes, that is abusive, controlling behaviour. But I don't think the ultimatum on close, online relationships with members of the opposite sex is abusive in and of itself.

You need to own what you want to do, if you want a male friend have one your husband/partner can say what they want

He sounds very controlling op; can you find yourself some therapy - you could use one called better help, heard good things about it and/or freedom programme as suggested.

“I have been in male-dominated environments for a lot of my adult life due to uni/career choices and hobbies. Also mostly had male friends at one point. Like you, I thought I just "got on" better with men than women, but realised that this was because I'd become accustomed to a certain interaction style, not because I inherently don't click with women.

Through a combination of new hobbies, reconnecting with childhood (girl)friends, and trying to be less rigid, I managed to build up a circle of great female friends in my late 20s. Some of my closest friends are still male, but I find that I get slightly different things from those guys and my female friends.

Could you maybe try and make some female friends through a hobby (or even female gamer community) to feel less isolated and have some support around you? NOT saying you should do this to appease your partner AT ALL, purely for your own sake - don't dismiss the possibility of female friends, you might surprise yourself.”

This is refreshing to read. OP - perhaps revisit your perception that you get on better with men. It does bother me when women say they don’t get on with women as if we are all the same - just some homogenous mass with nothing to distinguish us from each other. My female friends are individuals and different from each other and we all bring different things to our friendships. I think it’s a kind of internalised sexism to be honest which involves seeing women through the male gaze and as 1-dimensional beings. You should definitely be able to have men friends but would also suggest looking to develop some friendships with women.