Family feud AIBU

[Anonnn5]

Long time argument with my oldest sister, haven’t spoken for years. Thing is it was over something really silly but it feels like everyone else in the family is enjoying it. My mum has made no effort in getting us to talk and my 2 other siblings haven’t either. The sister whose not talking to me has blocked my numbers which means all my attempts at resolve have gone wasted. I’ve asked one sibling to text her to add me to the family WhatsApp groups (she removed me). Which hasn’t happened yet.

My mum seems to enjoy that we’re fighting and always tries to add fuel to the fire rather than calming things down.

the most recent thing to happen is today. I texted my sibling to meet up with the kids soon and asked when week is best. She starts text with we’re going to X’s house (oldest sister) as they have a party, @we’re all going” she had to add. My other sibling just texted me saying they’re away rather than hurt my feelings that they’re also going to X’s party. I feel hurt as the sibling who told me she’s going to X’s house is the only one who knows my struggle at the moment (I’m going through a separation with my husband, I’m depressed and been suicidal which I’m getting help for and I told her only 2 weeks ago that I’m lonely and feel upset, my kids are very little so I feel isolated). I told her she should not have tell me she’s going there as there is no way I would ever find out (I have zero social media and no mutual friends with X who lives 4 hours away, there is literally no way I would find out). I told her it makes me sad that I’m left out but her reaction was “well I won’t lie, that’s not me”. I told her her telling me how everyone is going apart from me is upsetting but she’s adamant she won’t ever lie. But she doesn’t have to tell me does she? We see each other 2x a year, there’s no way I would find out and even if I did I might be in a better place to handle it.

am I in the wrong to ask her not to tell me as I rather not know and be oblivious to these parties and get togethers that I’m not a part of and my kids will never be a part of

I think what the fued is over probably makes a difference. If it is your wrong then I can see why family aren't falling over themselves to help. It's a difficult situation all round.

@Mumofsend I don’t want to go into the details as this thread will derail. All 2 siblings are on my side at the time and my fully agree the other sister was wrong. They are scared of her so didn’t do anything now to resolve. She’s very bossy and narcissist and if you cross her she never forgives!

Okay this is what happened:

Xmas we were at my parents home and I was newly married so my husband wasn’t used to her behaviour. She got really drunk and started mouthing off to my husband and calling him a dick and retard as he doesn’t drink and she wanted to do shots with him. The others were used to this so didn’t respond. My DH was new to the family so didn’t respond just went to bed and next day we were leaving on Boxing Day anyway so we left and when we got home I rang her to ask her to just say sorry to my DH (I know some of you will now recall my thread at the time! This was 5 years ago under a different username). She told me to go fuck my self and she won’t apologise as she was drunk and if he’s so sensitive he can go fuck himself too, both other 2 siblings agreed she was in the wrong and him being the new member to the family must have been upsetting for him.

I tried again to talk to my sister and ask her to patch things up with him and asked her how she would feel if she was a newly married and got spoken to like that by Inlaws. but she said she’s done nothing wrong and was drunk so had no control.

we have not spoken since that phone call. My husband doesn’t want to talk to her either until she apologised. We haven’t seen them since this happened.

I don't think you are wrong at all to ask the sister not to mention things like that. Point out that by telling you, she's just upsetting you, as there is no need for you to know about their get togethers, and keeping quiet about them, is just omitting telling you, NOT lying!

While I've no wish to hurt you further OP, it doesn't sound like any of your family are very nice or supportive to you, and am sorry to hear that you and your husband have split up too, you must feel very lonely. Do you have any friends in real life that you can talk to, spend time with, etc? I think in your shoes I would be trying to build a bigger circle of friends, and spend as little time talking to, or in the company of your immediate family as possible. After all, you can choose your friends but you can't choose your family!

Sorry to hear you going through a difficult time, it seems as if you have a lot going on.

I dont think your being unreasonable, these family gathering’s are bound to make you feel a certain type of way.
I think your siblings could be a bit more sensitive to your feelings especially if your not feeling to good anyway.

Your sister doesent sound like a very nice person, that’s not a nice way to talk to you and your husband and seems to have no respect or regard for other people’s feelings.

Good luck OP, I hope it works out for you!

@UpaladderwatchingTV thank you for your kind words. Truthfully my DH isolated me from everyone. That is why her apology has been so important all these years as he held it over my head that my family are trash etc. if she had just apologised we could have moved on. I feel broken.

I just tried talking to my mum and she said it’s all my fault as I shouldn’t be asking my eldest sister to apologise to my husband who is younger than her, she said it’s shameful I asked her to do that. My mum 109% supports my oldest sister, she can do no wrong. My siblings talk about her and complain a lot but are too scared to fallout with her as she’s the one that organised get Yogeeta and is the most social one.

Not sure where 109 came from I mean 100%

I think you need to take a step back from your whole family to be honest. None of them are looking out for you, your sister is trash and your mum is busy firing a canon into a dark room just to enjoy the fireworks that follow.

Work on yourself and your mental health and surround yourself with people that only have your best interests at heart.

Get together! No idea how that autocorrected to yoghurt! so sorry for all the typos, I’m exhausted! And absolutely shattered

Your mum probably doesn't want to get involved and I dont think it's wise any of the siblings add you to the watsapp group. I think you have to step back sometimes... why are you making the effort if they aren't? Focus your energy else where.

I think it’s a combination of them being stuck in the middle

not wanting to getting involved and not going to start lying or editing conversations

and you having a rough time in general being a bit sensitive

@Newshoess its for my kids who are missing out on family events and memories.

I miss the Jeremy Kyle show...

@Habreathmint thats not helpful is it?

Make a family whatsapp group without her?

And are the family events that your children are missing out on super wonderful happy family events? Because it's all fake isn't it? Your siblings are frightened of your Sister, your Mum only has eyes for your Sister- so what exactly are they missing out on?

What happens if your children offend your Sister in some way? Does she get to call them r*tards as well?

I think you need to have long hard think about the healthy relationships in your life and work to continue those. Your Sister isn't going to change if everyone around her enables her.

Make your own memories with your children.

I'm not trying to sound mean, but it doesn't sound like your sister can behave herself while under the influence. Are you sure this is something you want your children to experience?

Oh OP, you poor thing, you have been through hell. From where I'm sitting it looks like there is a lot of narcissism in the female side of your family.

I realised many years ago that my only sibling is a narcissist, it was eye opening for me. I'd already had to go no contact for my own sanity, but understanding about narcissism helped clarify a lot of things in my head. Even still it was only in the last few years that I began to understand that my "mother" is the same. I've been getting a lot of therapy with someone who deals in narcissistic abuse and although I have ended up losing all the family on my "mother"'s side, I have my integrity and that is worth more to me than losing myself in their vicious mindgames. You mention you are getting help, I hope it includes therapy as you have been through so much.

It seems to me that your oldest sister has been brought up by your mother to be the golden child. She can do whatever she likes, everyone has to accept it. Your mother makes sure everyone understands that they stay on their sister's side or they are OUT. There is no middle ground.

Often something happens that pushes the scapegoat (you in your family, me in mine) to the point where they are not prepared to accept the behaviour any more. In your case it's when your golden child sister insulted your new husband. (Your mother's excuses for her behaviour are ridiculous and outrageous in equal measure!). So now because you haven't stepped back in line, you are OUT. It is shocking that these people will expel someone from their family rather than admit to poor behaviour and apologise for it.

Growing up in a dysfunctional family means we don't notice red flags in relationships as quickly as we should, which results in many children ending up in abusive relationships as adults. I wonder if this may have been a factor in your marriage - obviously I could be completely on the wrong track here but you do mention he has isolated you, so it is something to consider.

Along with my therapy there are a few Instagram accounts I follow which help me, I have also read several books. But one of the most helpful things I have found, and I keep posting about it here, is the Insight - Exposing Narcissism weekly podcasts by psychotherapists Helen Villiers and Katie McKenna. At this stage there are dozens and dozens of podcasts and I get value and validation from every single one. Each podcast discusses a letter from a reader who has been affected by narcissism, and the psychotherapists take it apart line by line, shining a light on the behaviour. This is done with huge sympathy and empathy for the writer.

There is one in particular which I think might be useful for you to listen to. It's about a sister who is pregnant through IVF and being treated appallingly by her sisters who have had similar experiences - so it's a different story to you, but I suspect you would see similarities in the treatment which this family thinks is acceptable. It's called Why Do My Sisters Leave Me Out?
https://podcasts.apple.com/ie/podcast/51-why-do-my-sisters-leave-me-out/id1613030538?i=1000601384100

I agree with the advice given here. What exactly are the wonderful events that you and the kids are missing out on?

it’s best for you to accept that at the moment you need peace and calm not more drama and angst.

I so feel for you OP as it is devastating to be isolated by your own blood.

I was in a similar situation and though I am not always on Facebook I found a self help group set up by a Psychotherapist- it’s called ‘Sibling Estrangement - Sharing - Coping - Connecting’

I found this group to be invaluable. I did not feel alone. I would urge you to join it and you’ll gain a lot of strength going forward

Well if these family events are likely to feature your sister bring blind drunk and calling people retards I think you should be relieved that your DC are spared this experience.

@Escapingafter50years thank you so much. It all makes sense what you’ve written. Yes in my mothers eyes my eldest sister can do no wrong! That is how it’s always been. She’s 12 years older than me, one memory which really upsets me is when I was 8 and she was 20 she beat me up very badly - I had a broken lip and bruises everywhere my mum didn’t care the state I was in and wanted to protect the eldest one, she actually didn’t even ask if I was okay or what happened. Her reaction straight away was I have to tell school or anyone else who asks that I fell off my bike. I feel so sad everytime I think of this incident, there were thousands more btw.

she has always had it out for me but I have no idea why, she is the loved one in the family not me so I’m not sure where the jealously comes from. She’s never happy for me. She tried to sabotage my wedding day and engagement too. She made so many nasty comments leading up to the day - she said my DH must be desperate to watch t to marry me. She was also very jealous as he comes from a very wealthy family and she didn’t like that.

I remember in my childhood when people used to make comments that as I’m the youngest I must be spoilt rotten, I used to think no I’m not loved or spoilt it’s my eldest sister.

I know I shouldn’t be upset and it’s fobeasy for posters to say think you should be relieved that your DC are spared this experience.

but it’s not like that. It’s hard to explain. Obviously the drunkness only happens on evening events, she died today drink. But because of the fallout I don’t get invited to anything even kids parties or even lunches out. Yes I do want to go as I am missing out. Surely people must be able to understand that I do want my kids to go places etc. my kids haven’t been home to my parents for Xmas ever as they were born after the incident. I was actually pregnant with eldest when this kicked off. My kids have missed out on so much.

do sorry for typos again. I’ve spent most of the night crying and really upset. Hopefully it makes sense or I can re-write it.

Your kids haven’t missed out on anything. Your family sound fucking awful and I’d be thanking my lucky stars they didn’t have to interact with them.

I also don’t blame your husband. I’d never speak to someone again who thought calling me a retard was acceptable and then couldn’t apologise either.

Thank you everyone. I feel really upset that the other 2 siblings know exactly what she’s like and her awful treatment of me and they 100% agree it’s all her and I’m not to blame BUT they never stand up to her! I feel like cutting ties with the other 2 siblings too. What could they’re behaviour get due to? I feel if it was me I would tell the eldest her behaviour is unacceptable and needs to make amends with me.