Family feud AIBU

[Anonnn5]

Long time argument with my oldest sister, haven’t spoken for years. Thing is it was over something really silly but it feels like everyone else in the family is enjoying it. My mum has made no effort in getting us to talk and my 2 other siblings haven’t either. The sister whose not talking to me has blocked my numbers which means all my attempts at resolve have gone wasted. I’ve asked one sibling to text her to add me to the family WhatsApp groups (she removed me). Which hasn’t happened yet.

My mum seems to enjoy that we’re fighting and always tries to add fuel to the fire rather than calming things down.

the most recent thing to happen is today. I texted my sibling to meet up with the kids soon and asked when week is best. She starts text with we’re going to X’s house (oldest sister) as they have a party, @we’re all going” she had to add. My other sibling just texted me saying they’re away rather than hurt my feelings that they’re also going to X’s party. I feel hurt as the sibling who told me she’s going to X’s house is the only one who knows my struggle at the moment (I’m going through a separation with my husband, I’m depressed and been suicidal which I’m getting help for and I told her only 2 weeks ago that I’m lonely and feel upset, my kids are very little so I feel isolated). I told her she should not have tell me she’s going there as there is no way I would ever find out (I have zero social media and no mutual friends with X who lives 4 hours away, there is literally no way I would find out). I told her it makes me sad that I’m left out but her reaction was “well I won’t lie, that’s not me”. I told her her telling me how everyone is going apart from me is upsetting but she’s adamant she won’t ever lie. But she doesn’t have to tell me does she? We see each other 2x a year, there’s no way I would find out and even if I did I might be in a better place to handle it.

am I in the wrong to ask her not to tell me as I rather not know and be oblivious to these parties and get togethers that I’m not a part of and my kids will never be a part of

@Anonnn5 I'm glad you found my words helpful. I think you are now perhaps not too far from where I was a couple of years ago, the thought of being outside my family was very distressing.

You've had horrific experiences at the hands of your sister, enabled by your mother. It is not about you. People like your mother assign roles to their children at a young age, you were the scapegoat and your eldest sister the golden child. It comes from disordered thinking and you can't make sense of it because it doesn't make sense. So these children grow up in an dysfunctional environment, not knowing (how would they) that how they are being treated is not that of in a true loving family.

Your other sisters learned from an early age that your sister was the golden one and they would have seen how you were treated. If they don't stay in favour then they could end up being treated like you.

There's a great analogy which I first saw here on MN called Don't Rock the Boat, it explains how dysfunction goes down through the generations and people bend over backwards to appease the crazy person at the helm.
https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/k2opyl/dont_rock_the_boat/

From where you are, it's very difficult to see the overall situation. It's actually easier from a distance. Perhaps think of a dear friend and imagine them having to deal with all you have had. Did she (or he) deserve this treatment? Would you encourage them to do whatever it takes to appease their family and not be cast out? Or might you think maybe they are better off away from people who have no genuine love or respect for them?

I know you feel your kids have missed out on so much, and it is very sad to think that there are close relatives that they would ideally have a close happy loving relationship with but have not been able to. But as someone who grew up in this dysfunction, now in therapy, I understand that if I had not been close to my relatives I would not be as damaged. In the long term hopefully you will feel that it will be beneficial to your children not to have been exposed to the toxicity in your family. I know you say it's in the evenings, when your sister has been drinking, that the abuse starts up, but trust me, it's there all the time. As you learn more about narcissistic abuse you will be able to look back and see it.

Hopefully you have a trusted friend or two you can talk to safely, you have a lot to deal with at the moment.

It is hard to understand why you would want any contact with that toxic bunch. Focus on your own little family and make a new one of good loyal friends.