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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say something to them ?

58 replies

TinaTeaspoons · 26/07/2023 21:47

Colleagues keep gossiping about a woman we work with. She is intensely private, very shy, single, think she lives with parents but hasn't actually said. No kids and aged 40 but looks in her twenties which becomes relevant as I go on. She is really lovely and brilliant at her job which is all that counts in my book. Anyway, she has just come back from a 2 week holiday with her parents and 2 of my colleagues are saying how odd it is, how sad they are for her, how she hasn't got anyone else to go with etc, how weird it is that she seems more like a teen than a middle aged woman. All I have said is that it must be tough to be single at 40 as my sister is around the same age and in a similar position which makes me feel protective of my colleague. As I know from my sister that other people can be very cruel and make it seem like there is something wrong with you if you have no partner or kids. Also, people say she should go on holiday alone but many wouldn't like that. Personally, I would not. My main point is that I feel she is being bullied. Aibu to go to HR?

OP posts:
Finnegans · 26/07/2023 22:45

Well, as far as I can see is that while your colleagues are hitching about her being single and childfree at 40, you’re pitying her for between single and childfree at 40. Not sure there’s a huge distance between the two.

Original poster
TinaTeaspoons · 26/07/2023 22:46

I'm not, I'm saying that they are bullying her and not sure how to go about stopping it.

OP posts:
Finnegans · 26/07/2023 23:31

What are they actually saying and doing to her?

TeaKitten · 26/07/2023 23:34

Is she aware that they say these things?

Totaly · 26/07/2023 23:36

There should be something in your work policies about reporting this type of thing and what counts as bullying:harassment etc

Does she know? Even if she doesn’t it’s still upsetting you! And there’s not need.

AcclimDD · 27/07/2023 11:05

I think you should mention it to the women's line manager -LM needs to have a word with them.
If it happens again in your earshot, I'd say something to shut them up or give them a hard Paddington stare /frown to show your disapproval.

Coffeetree · 27/07/2023 11:19

I mean, for all you know she's got a roster of boyfriends and the latest holiday was yet another romantic getaway!

Next time your coworkers start gossiping, just shut it down with "That's none of business".

RedHelenB · 27/07/2023 11:21

That's gossip not bullying. Just tell them not to gossip if it bothers you.

bridgetreilly · 27/07/2023 11:21

Gossiping is not the same as bullying. Are they saying these things to her, treating her differently, being unkind?

SoullessInSeattle · 27/07/2023 11:23

It reads like they’ve said they feel sad for her (behind her back) as you have.

Fairyliz · 27/07/2023 11:24

Are they actually saying anything to her or just gossiping between themselves?
If they are just gossiping then the only thing you can say is that you don’t want to hear it.
You can’t stop people talking about each other, it’s part of human nature.

Original poster
TinaTeaspoons · 27/07/2023 21:05

They are mocking her behind her back. It is deeply unpleasant.

OP posts:
LakeTiticaca · 27/07/2023 21:32

You should tell them.to wind their bitchy necks in. This woman may be perfectly happy with her life, and if she isn't it's nobody else's business anyway

Dacadactyl · 27/07/2023 21:37

Mocking her how though?

BettyBallerina · 27/07/2023 21:39

You should stand up far what you believe to be right. Next time they start, make your contribution to the conversation how lovely she is.

Dombasle · 27/07/2023 21:45

They aren't bullying her.

Slagging off someone behind their back, whilst unpleasant isn't bullying.

Herejusttocomment · 27/07/2023 21:46

I don't understand what PPs don't understand.

I would have a word with the colleagues in question first, tbh I'm not sure if it's workplace bullying.

kayserah · 27/07/2023 21:49

They sound jealous. I don’t think it’s bullying they are just bitches and probably slag you off when you’re not there. In my experience people like that don’t change

Mama678 · 27/07/2023 21:54

Id just say when the conversation turns to her, “oh god your obsessed with X and her life, she seems perfectly happy to me” if they carry on just get up from your desk and make a drink/do a fake yawn with arms too/turn back to work and block them out….

AllThatFancyPaintsAsFair · 27/07/2023 22:03

kayserah · 27/07/2023 21:49

They sound jealous. I don’t think it’s bullying they are just bitches and probably slag you off when you’re not there. In my experience people like that don’t change

Why would they be jealous of a 40 year old single woman who goes on holiday with her parents? You'd be hard pressed to find one person who would be never mind 2 in the same workplace

They are just common or garden gossips who maybe stray into bitchiness, it's not nice but also not unusual. If they ate doing it to her face then HR should be involved

Herejusttocomment · 27/07/2023 22:10

AllThatFancyPaintsAsFair · 27/07/2023 22:03

Why would they be jealous of a 40 year old single woman who goes on holiday with her parents? You'd be hard pressed to find one person who would be never mind 2 in the same workplace

They are just common or garden gossips who maybe stray into bitchiness, it's not nice but also not unusual. If they ate doing it to her face then HR should be involved

Show quote history

More disposable income, less stress, someone to go with on holidays with (that you obviously get along with), quality family time, there are plenty positives of being child free, single and going on holidays with your parents.

CherryMaDeara · 27/07/2023 22:17

AllThatFancyPaintsAsFair · 27/07/2023 22:03

Why would they be jealous of a 40 year old single woman who goes on holiday with her parents? You'd be hard pressed to find one person who would be never mind 2 in the same workplace

They are just common or garden gossips who maybe stray into bitchiness, it's not nice but also not unusual. If they ate doing it to her face then HR should be involved

Show quote history

A 40yo who looks like she is in her 20s will be the target of envy.

Original poster
TinaTeaspoons · 27/07/2023 22:19

You sound like one of the people who would judge her @AllThatFancyPaintsAsFair 🙄.
I'm going to report it to HR. Just because it's not said to her face doesn't mean it isn't bullying. They are mocking her and it isn't right. They have no right. Acting superior just because they are married with kids. It's pathetic. I would much rather be single then be with their husbands too.

OP posts:
Dacadactyl · 27/07/2023 22:32

I kind of disagree tbh. I don't see how it's bullying if she's unaware of the comments.

It's not nice behaviour but bullying is a stretch to me.

SashaPearce · 27/07/2023 22:42

I’m going to take a guess that you live/work in a small town? It sounds like your bitchy colleagues desperately need to get out more and meet a wider range of people, they sound very inexperienced and narrow-minded. Would also take a guess they are not that satisfied with aspects of their own lives and on the hunt for someone to feel superior to. I agree with others though that so long as they are not addressing their comments to the woman in question or treating her negatively I’m not sure it can be classed as bullying, more tragic gossip. It’s nice that you are caring about her but it would be a real shame if taking it to HR meant that she heard about it, if she wouldn’t have done otherwise. There might be a risk of doing more harm to her than good

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