To be SO frustrated by threads like this…

[Firstworldprobs]

First of all I want to make it crystal clear that I am not frustrated with the OPs of these threads, I am frustrated for them. I don’t blame them one bit.

There seems to be a steady stream of threads that go something like this:

OP: Asks if she is being unreasonable then describes the situation whereby it is indisputable that it’s in fact her DH / DP who is being unreasonable.

PPs: With their spidey senses tingling as they detect potential gaslighting / narcissism / manipulation / abuse / coercive control / fuckwittery, ask OP for more details and also ask what the DH is usually like, and reassure OP unanimously that she is not being unreasonable.

OP: Gives more background info and history that confirms that PPs were correct, there is a pattern of abuse / fuckwittery and/or a whole childhood full of neglect / abuse - meaning that OP is completely brainwashed and browbeaten and believes that this behaviour is normal and she cannot trust her gut and has to put up with it (and so do her kids).

PPs: Rally round OP, explaining (again, unanimously) that OP does not need to endure the abuse / mistreatment / misery for one day longer and would be completely justified in LTB no matter what he says. Suggest if she cannot find the strength to leave for herself, them do it for her children who deserve to live happily and have good role models - advice to break generational cycles.

OP: Is terrified at the idea, due to having zero self esteem, no support, or having been gaslit and manipulated to within an inch of her life into believing she needs DH to survive and won’t find anyone else, can’t afford to leave etc and is convinced she and her kids are trapped.

PPs: give reassurance that OP can LTB. Give OP details of practical, real life support agencies, websites, Women’s Aid, Freedom Programme, books, scripts for what to say to police / DH, advice on legal aid for solicitors, getting ducks in a row, securing important documents, confide in real life friends or family etc etc

OP: Starts backtracking and offering examples of how her DH is not that bad / is a good dad / might be depressed or ND / can be really nice to her sometimes / always apologises etc.

PPs: Continue to reassure OP that her relationship is toxic / abusive and damaging her and her kids and there are ways to leave and support out there.

OP: Never returns to the thread, perhaps deciding that their bar is lower than they realised and they are doomed to this life.

Very occasionally, the OP will return to confirm that they have found the strength to leave, have taken PPs’ advice, called Woman’s Aid or a solicitor, and have ended the relationship. These threads are so satisfying, PPs rejoice that OP has taken their advice and changed her life for the better, one less abused woman! One more single shitty man. Amazing. But they are the minority.

What are we doing when girls are raised to be compliant, nice, submissive, people pleasing ghosts? How do we raise girls to be sure of their value, have high standards and expectations, unwavering instincts and the confidence to listen to them, and to refuse to put up with this toxic bullshit from men? How do we raise boys to have integrity, to see girls as human beings, to be non violent, unselfish, compassionate people?

I am so frustrated on behalf of all the OPs out there who, despite unanimous, practical and compassionate support on MN, cannot appreciate their value or raise that bar for what they will tolerate from a man?

I don’t blame the OPs one bit - I blame their parents, previous partners, and society. It’s utterly heartbreaking.

AIBU?

I was this OP too (not on MN but on another forum many years ago).

I got such incredible support that encouraged me to leave an abusive relationship I was in aged 18. Without those posters I absolutely would’ve ended up trapped, unemployed, and physically, mentally and sexually abused with that man for years. I’d have probably lost contact with my family and friends.

In that sort of relationship, you don’t always share anything with those closest to you, and posting on a forum felt like the only way to work through it.

I always felt I was someone who would never end up in an abusive relationship. It’s astonishing how quickly it happens. I wasn’t necessarily ‘vulnerable’ but I was definitely encouraged to be a people pleaser growing up. I was encouraged to be considerate and polite. I was never really taught to defend myself. I didn’t have a great idea of what a stable, loving relationship was. I don’t blame my mum for that at all. She’s a strong, amazing woman who just chose to have a child with the wrong man.

I’m 13 years out of that relationship now, but it still affects me. Even after therapy. Life is so much better now, but I will never forget the sheer terror, panic, and isolation I experienced.

This thread is the best of mumsnet. Not the fluffy aww stuff, but the gritty day to day reality of our lives as women.

Really appreciate all the perspectives, especially those who have been The OP or who have gained clarity or confidence from the advice given in these threads. I’m so heartened to learn that all these threads and all the advice and reassurance on them does help those reading them, if not the OP at the time.

I do always feel for the children in these situations. I remember the air in the house changing the day my dad moved out, and I could finally breathe. I was 6.

The way I see it is:

Living in a toxic / abusive environment is hard.
Being a cycle breaker and leaving is also hard.
Choose your hard.
If you stay, it is hard and there is no hope for a better life and the kids will suffer as will their kids.
If you leave, it is hard but there is hope for a better life and most importantly you free your kids from the cycle of abuse.
There is no easy option, so you might as well choose the hard one that changes things and helps your children.

However I absolutely appreciate that it is a process and can take time.