To not tell DH about child's referral?

[MackerelPate]

I have self referred my son to speech and language services. He is 4 and has started to stutter the end sound of words.

When I mentioned a potential problem to DH he was very defensive and did not want to discuss. He is a good dad and no issues in our relationship.

So I have self referred. If I tell DH I have then he will get annoyed and say I am trying to diagnose my son with problems he doesn't have. But is it wrong to keep this from him?

Personally I would just tell DH that the GP referred DS. What could he say then ? At the end of the day the only person it’s going to benefit is his son and he should be supportive of it.

Stuttering is quite normal and lots of young kids go through it. It's usually a phase. Unless your dc has other speech and language needs it's unlikely to proceed and you'll be told to watch and wait.
I wouldn't keep it from my dh though.

Yes of course. Because lying to your spouse is a great way to run a relationship.

Just to reassure you that it the stutter is at the end of words rather than the beginning and your son isn’t worried by if it will probably go west on its own and he’s very unlikely to need SALT support.

I’d phrase it as ‘I’ve self referred to SALT to put my mind at rest that his speech is developing ok’.

I find if I say to my DH “Shall we do X” the answer is mostly “No that’s a crap idea.”

But if I say “Fyi I’ve done X, will let you know how it goes.” He usually says “Great well done, keep me posted.”

🤷‍♀️

YANBU to not mention it at all if he doesn’t need to know. My child also needed SLT and DH was incredibly resistant to the idea that there was something ‘wrong’ with jis child. Just misplaced fatherly pride I think.

That's a good way to put it.

Would you be annoyed if he made a decision RE your kid’s wellbeing without you? Answer and act accordingly.

I have told him now. He didn't say much in response but at least he knows and there's no going behind his back.

But is it wrong to keep this from him?

Yes. Would you be happy with him keeping appointments secret from you, no matter what your reaction may be.

You'll both have to deal with each other. Lying or omitting information to your partner,about their child is not right....Unless you are in actual danger from his reaction.

Its unusual to be seen by a SALT for stammering if the stammer hasn't been present for 2 years.

there is no cure for it, theres very little a SALT can do about it, they just support the parent to support the child in accepting their stammer.

So they will tell you things like..

• don't allow anyone to interrupt each other at home
• talk slowly to your child
• be positive about their speech
• dont allow your child to overhear anything negative about their speech like “their speech has been really bad today” etc.
• Have one on one time with your child with no interruptions from anyone else.
• Don't stop your child from talking by asking them to slow down, take a breath etc

Also the biggest hurdle to a child getting help and support is their parent.

I wouldn’t keep it from him. But the needs of the child always overrides a parents misplaced pride.

If you slept with someone else would you say it was just a coffee?

SALT services vary from area to area. Where I am we would see children who had been stammering for a few months and offer therapy. Therapy for younger children (under about 7) aims to decrease the amount of stammering as well as accepting it. I think you have done the right thing in referring and glad you have told him. FWIW I think the name 'therapy' is quite loaded and puts some people off.

Good for you. I don’t know why fathers can be so defensive/obstructive to the idea that their child has something “wrong” with them, but they often do.

I went behind my husband’s back to get our daughter referred for an autism assessment.

Just to reassure you again after the previous posters telling you it’s incurable that’s simply not true. This type of dysfluency will go away on its own without any need for salt support.

https://www.justonenorfolk.nhs.uk/media/avxl5lis/word-final-dysfluency-frequently-asked-questions.pdf

I didn't say it was incurable, i said there wasn't a cure for it, and there isn't.

My son has had years of speech therapy, i know what i’am talking about!

Sometimes it goes away on its own, sometimes it doesn't and it goes on into adulthood.

There is no operation you can take to cure it, no medication etc.

@AHelpfulHand
there is no cure for it, theres very little a SALT can do about it, they just support the parent to support the child in accepting their stammer.

This is incorrect in my experience. My son had an extensive SLT programme from the age of 3-5 years for a chronic stutter. He had 2 sessions a week with the SLT for a year which then moved to 1 session per week in the second year. In conjunction with the formal SLT sessions, we did a home therapy program 3-4 days per week. This was designed by the SLT. It was hard work but worth it in the end. A SLT programme did work for my son and it was more than a “supportive role” as you seem to think it is.

I take it this was private therapy?

there is no way you’re offered any of that on the nhs were I live (north west)

we got 4 sessions with a stammering SALT on the NHS and was told that as we were already putting the techniques in place before our referral then there was nothing else they could teach me or him.

even the stamma charity say there is no cure for it.

I’m a speech therapist, you are right there isn’t a magic sure for a stammer. The difference is what op is talking about is repeating the final bits of words not the beginning, it’s final word dysfluency not a stammer.

There are no cases of final word disfluency recorded in adults. In 100% of cases it goes away on its own.

I didn’t want OP to be stressed by incorrect information.

@Jellycats4life I’m going through exactly the same right now. I didn’t know it was a ‘thing’.

My last post was for @AHelpfulHand didnt manage to tag them on my first try!

@AHelpfulHand
I’m not in the UK and it was government funded, so no, not private therapy.

@AHelpfulHand

I think it was this programme https://www.lidcombeprogram.org/about-lidcombe-program/about-the-lidcombe-program/

and I appreciate that this doesn’t work for every child. My son’s stutter was awful. He would start to stutter and then would grab his little chin in his little hands to make it stop. His face and neck would go bright red and the little veins in his neck would pop out. And it was constant. It affected his behaviour and relationships with his peers at pre-school to the extent that he was getting physically hurt by some of the other children. The Head Teacher at the pre-school was a dragon of a lady but she rang the Education Department every day advocating for urgent SLT for my son. This thread has brought back long lost memories.