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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fed up with DP's overbearing and demanding parents?

50 replies

calatheamama · 26/07/2023 11:51

I feel a bit guilty writing this because my DP's parents (not technically my PILs yet) often have good intentions in mind... but I'm truly reaching the end of my tether in terms of how involved they want to be in our lives, as well as the HUGE demands and expectations on time and labour they place on their DS - and then me, by extension.

This morning was a classic example. My DP was preparing for an important job interview today - which they had been told about - when he received a call from his brother saying that he'd need to drive their mum to A&E, as she had fallen and hurt her knee (not sure it warranted a trip to A&E, she's not elderly and is fairly fit). But on top of that... they then wanted him to drive over and sort out his DF's car insurance for him!? When he gave them a flat 'no' and asked if anyone else in the family could help - because he literally had a job interview - an argument broke out over the phone. Now he's stressed out, essentially having been emotionally blackmailed into cramming his interview in between a (possibly unnecessary) trip to A&E and sorting out a grown man's car insurance for him. This sort of thing happens regularly. In turn, it affects me because DP comes home in a foul mood and we often end up arguing ourselves about something trivial.

I understand there are some cultural differences between his family and my own (my partner's family are Indian heritage, I'm white British, no issues with that btw). There definitely seem to be different expectations on family members' duties... but imo I don't think that's enough to justify how unreasonable some of these demands actually are.

On top of the demands they make of DP, they also seem to view our home as an extension of their own. There are unexpected visits during the day when we're working from home and at the weekend, accompanied by subtle criticism of how clean and tidy the house is (or isn't lol). Recently, his mum very kindly offered to drop into our house to feed the cat etc while we went away for a weekend... but it turned out that she hadn't just been dropping in to feed the cat - she had taken it upon herself to set up camp, spending whole days there watching films and reorganising our kitchen cupboards etc?? Personally I found that VERY odd and an invasion of space and privacy. It's slightly insulting as well, because we're both professionals in our 30s and we're quite capable of looking after ourselves in daily life, living our lives the way we enjoy, without their constant tampering... although my DP suggested it was me who was being ungrateful.

Again, maybe different cultural expectations and norms, at least to an extent, but it's all driving me around the bend!!! It's a sensitive topic, because when I've tried to explain my feelings about boundaries they seem to take offence/don't fully appreciate my points/believe that they're doing something generous for us and promptly get upset.

I don't know. Maybe I'm just ranting? It's only that I've got a horrible feeling it's going to get worse rather than better, as they've both recently retired. Too much time on their hands, no hobbies...

(apologies if acronyms are a bit off, I'm new here)

OP posts:
Mehmeh22 · 26/07/2023 11:55

Yeah will only get worse when you have kids. It's not a cultural thing either. If your husband won't stick up for you both, you can only expect things to get worse as resentment builds.

I've personal experience of this BTW.

squashyhat · 26/07/2023 11:55

Don't marry him

P1ckledonionz · 26/07/2023 12:04

Your DP is the one who should communicating with them about your (yours and his) boundaries, not you.

It will likely get worse if your DP doesn't set down some boundaries.

It's not great that your DP thinks you are being unreasonable. If he isn't going to back you up on these issues you are going to have an ongoing problem.

TomatoSandwiches · 26/07/2023 12:10

It will never get better, leave him now before you get stuck with him and his whole interfering family.

Azaeleasinbloom · 26/07/2023 12:19

My mil was very similar, and we are all white British. What I had not realised before marrying was just how much ‘interference’ my dear FIL was running to keep her in check. He died not long after we married. My DH has a back bone and strong boundaries, but it was exhausting trying to figure out which demands were true ‘needs’ and which were simple entitlement.

There may well be cultural expectations at play, but really OP, think long and hard before marrying into this family.

takealettermsjones · 26/07/2023 12:20

Don't marry and definitely don't have kids until you sort this out with DH. Clear boundaries, take their keys away if they have them, lock the doors when you're WFH.

Mama678 · 26/07/2023 14:59

This needs to come from your partner. He needs to put in place boundaries

Newestname002 · 26/07/2023 15:10

squashyhat · 26/07/2023 11:55

Don't marry him

Yep this.

If they're interfering at this level already and disrespecting your personal space, it will only get worse once you are the incubator for their grandchild. Add to that the fact that your partner seems to have few boundaries with his birth family and actively blames you for being the unreasonable one, I would take a good look into how your future would look and back away from this relationship whilst you still have a chance. 🌹

cptartapp · 26/07/2023 15:20

Wait until they're elderly. Will they expect to come and live with you. This will only escalate massively.
I'd want a different future tbh.

greenteaandmarshmallows · 26/07/2023 15:25

I'd love it if my mum sorted out my kitchen but that's irrelevant. yanbu. It won't get better I suggest you split.

PrincessUnicorns · 26/07/2023 15:27

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines - previously banned poster.

OhComeOnFFS · 26/07/2023 15:31

Well, you can't say you're not warned. It will be a thousand times worse if you have children. It'll be a million times worse as your ILs age.

If you marry him and have children, you know what's coming to you. Personally I don't think any man's worth that.

ChubbyMorticia · 26/07/2023 15:36

Either couples therapy or run. That’s really what your options are. This won’t change or improve on its own.

Spinninggyro · 26/07/2023 16:00

If you are happy with your partner could you move abroad together?

Beachwalker66 · 26/07/2023 16:04

You have a DP problem. He sounds like a total wetwipe.

DrunkenKoala · 26/07/2023 16:07

I had a similar dynamic with my own mum. She’d always been a bit overbearing and demanding but it got a hell of a lot worse when I had my first DC, which coincided with her retiring. There was no reasoning with her, she just wanted to control and manipulate everything and when she couldn’t she set about sabotaging which led to me going non contact. (She didn’t even live local it was just her behaviour when she visited)

It’s very unlikely that they’ll stop this behaviour so unless your DP is prepared to go no contact then I’d walk away, sounds harsh but….

Silvered · 26/07/2023 16:11

These differences will not resolve themselves. The only way things will change is if your DP puts different boundaries in place. However this would mean him going against significant cultural and familial expectations, so it would be an uphill battle to get it to really work.

I would have a very long hard think about whether this relationship - with his parents - will work for you long term.

theemmadilemma · 26/07/2023 16:18

One of my closest friends is Indian and this is just the norm. The expecatations on her regardless of having a full time job are often ridiculous - can leave work early, Mum needs a lift to the shops at 4pm specifically.... etc. But they expect it none the less, I'm not sure it's going to change much.

Only your DH can decide if wants to change that dynamic, but I suspect it would be hugely difficult.

NotBotheredAnymore · 26/07/2023 16:22

When he gave them a flat 'no' and asked if anyone else in the family could help - because he literally had a job interview - an argument broke out over the phone.

He tried but he needs to be stronger and reframe his answers. Asking if there was anyone else was the first problem, he should have said "no, I cant, she needs to get a taxi. Will call later, bye!"

He needs counselling if there are too many cultural expectations as he needs better tools for communication. Might be worth doing joint in this instance.

But ultimately this is on him to solve and deal with and if he won't then either except this is your future (with kids it will be on steroids) or you leave.

Peoplearebloodyidiots · 26/07/2023 16:23

Speaking from experience, it's definitely a cultural thing, indian and family wise.

Agree with other comments, you need to sit down and agree boundaries with DP (it might help to document them) and then get him to communicate these to his parents. It's unlikely that they will understand or agree to these initially so it might take some time to reinforce them.

If you have children with DP then it's very likely to get much worse so you will need to be even more seriously boundaried.

If you think you can live with that then great! You are unlikely to be able to change cultural expectations completely but over time you might be able to make small, incremental changes...but it's essential you have your DP on board.

Good luck.

Silvered · 27/07/2023 11:33

theemmadilemma · 26/07/2023 16:18

One of my closest friends is Indian and this is just the norm. The expecatations on her regardless of having a full time job are often ridiculous - can leave work early, Mum needs a lift to the shops at 4pm specifically.... etc. But they expect it none the less, I'm not sure it's going to change much.

Only your DH can decide if wants to change that dynamic, but I suspect it would be hugely difficult.

Same. A very close friend of mine is a high flier at work. And still has members of her IL family texting and calling her at work to ask why she's not dropping everything and helping MIL with a hospital appointment (MIL pretty healthy, in her 60s and hospital a short car drive away and FIL has a car and can drive!). Or a million and one tiny other things that are not urgent, not time specific and most of the time nothing to do with my friend.

She's Indian so understands the cultural expectations but her family aren't as traditional as her ILs and it's a significant source of conflict between her and her DH.

PrettyScotland · 27/07/2023 11:36

I'd be out of this situation faster than a fart in the wind. Fuck that shit.

PoliticallyIncorrectHitchling · 27/07/2023 12:03

I am Indian, it will not get better. Run, find someone else. IT will get worse when you have children.

SpicedPumpkinLatte · 27/07/2023 12:12

Some of it is cultural I'm afraid. You can push back on some things "please don't rearrange my cupboards", but it's v normal to help parents and elders out, having a reasonably open door policy etc.

I think the fact your DP was prepping for an interview means he was legitimate to push back.

But you can't expect to marry into a different culture and not accept many of those cultural norms. I am South Asian and see lots of inter-racial relationships which come under pressure because of these types of differences.

Think long and hard about whether you can accept them because it's otherwise not fair to ask your DP to leave or dilute his culture.

Gymnopedie · 27/07/2023 14:22

But you can't expect to marry into a different culture and not accept many of those cultural norms.

But doesn't that apply to the OP as well? Shouldn't her DP also be accepting some of her cultural norms too? Why does it all have to be one way?