To be fed up with DP's overbearing and demanding parents?

[calatheamama]

I feel a bit guilty writing this because my DP's parents (not technically my PILs yet) often have good intentions in mind... but I'm truly reaching the end of my tether in terms of how involved they want to be in our lives, as well as the HUGE demands and expectations on time and labour they place on their DS - and then me, by extension.

This morning was a classic example. My DP was preparing for an important job interview today - which they had been told about - when he received a call from his brother saying that he'd need to drive their mum to A&E, as she had fallen and hurt her knee (not sure it warranted a trip to A&E, she's not elderly and is fairly fit). But on top of that... they then wanted him to drive over and sort out his DF's car insurance for him!? When he gave them a flat 'no' and asked if anyone else in the family could help - because he literally had a job interview - an argument broke out over the phone. Now he's stressed out, essentially having been emotionally blackmailed into cramming his interview in between a (possibly unnecessary) trip to A&E and sorting out a grown man's car insurance for him. This sort of thing happens regularly. In turn, it affects me because DP comes home in a foul mood and we often end up arguing ourselves about something trivial.

I understand there are some cultural differences between his family and my own (my partner's family are Indian heritage, I'm white British, no issues with that btw). There definitely seem to be different expectations on family members' duties... but imo I don't think that's enough to justify how unreasonable some of these demands actually are.

On top of the demands they make of DP, they also seem to view our home as an extension of their own. There are unexpected visits during the day when we're working from home and at the weekend, accompanied by subtle criticism of how clean and tidy the house is (or isn't lol). Recently, his mum very kindly offered to drop into our house to feed the cat etc while we went away for a weekend... but it turned out that she hadn't just been dropping in to feed the cat - she had taken it upon herself to set up camp, spending whole days there watching films and reorganising our kitchen cupboards etc?? Personally I found that VERY odd and an invasion of space and privacy. It's slightly insulting as well, because we're both professionals in our 30s and we're quite capable of looking after ourselves in daily life, living our lives the way we enjoy, without their constant tampering... although my DP suggested it was me who was being ungrateful.

Again, maybe different cultural expectations and norms, at least to an extent, but it's all driving me around the bend!!! It's a sensitive topic, because when I've tried to explain my feelings about boundaries they seem to take offence/don't fully appreciate my points/believe that they're doing something generous for us and promptly get upset.

I don't know. Maybe I'm just ranting? It's only that I've got a horrible feeling it's going to get worse rather than better, as they've both recently retired. Too much time on their hands, no hobbies...

(apologies if acronyms are a bit off, I'm new here)

I think it is probably cultural, but your DP does need to address this. Also, I would move so they can't just drop in; and definitely change your locks, or even make sure you need a finger print to get in if you don't think your DP can stand up to them!

Very true. I guess, from experience, there are some things I wouldn't compromise on.

If a compromise can't be reached, then it doesn't bode well.

Think long and hard about whether you can accept them because it's otherwise not fair to ask your DP to leave or dilute his culture.
Er, hang on, he isn't expected to compromise at all???? When kids come along, some of these cultural expectations may well be pretty sexist. That's okay too is it?

I’d imagine it will only get worse as they age and definitely if you added grandkids into the mix. If it’s pushing your boundaries now it’s only going to intensify and you’ll feel less able to say anything once a child is involved.
I’d be thinking long and hard about the future of the relationship because cultural expectations within families are even tricker to get around than simply one in law being pushy (especially as your partner doesn’t necessarily always back you in these circumstances now so will be even less likely to stand firm on your boundaries in future).

The expectations as they age are definitely a factor. The friend I mentioned earlier is currently contemplating leaving her marriage because her ILs are agitating to move in despite the fact that they are only in their 60s and pretty healthy. The expectation is that she will drop her hours to help "look after them" despite the fact they are still very able.

But because she's the DIL they expect that she should cook, clean and run around after them. Her H is being totally wet about the whole thing. They'd planned to start TTC but she's put a stop to that until this gets resolved. Tbh I don't think their marriage is going to survive because her H will not stand up to his parents, even though he doesn't want them to move in either.

It’s not a welcome message but it’s a pretty unanimous one. Either your partner needs to be fully on board and willing to take on the lion’s share of pushing back against his family’s expectations, of you will need to get comfortable that this is how your future will look (and it will only get worse).

Clearly he buckled under the pressure of that argument you mentioned so it doesn’t look good.

I’d also be worried that even if he manages to push back now, once you are married and have kids, perhaps become a little more financially dependent on him, once his parents are older and put more pressure on him, once he feels more secure and perhaps a little more “traditional” in his views as he gets older, you may find his attitude starts to align much more closely with that of his parents.

Nothing will improve, your dp is used to this, it’s the cultural norm for him. I would go nuts, but if you decide to marry/have a future with him, you have been warned! His mum will want to take the child (from what I’ve read on here about other Asian families) and will expect you to house/look after them as they age. Also, is your dp sending them money?

You need to nip this in the bud otherwise your life will be hell.

Get out now. It will get worse and if/when you have children it will become untenable.

This won't change I'm afraid. Ideally parents would raise their children to be independent and then respect them as adults and a family in their own right and willingly accept that they now move down the order of importance (still very much loved, but not the priority).

There are lots of parents however, who can't let go of their status as the 'primary' family and as a result they still expect to be their children's priority (often over their children's partner and even children). They fight to stay front and centre and they often use guilt as a way to achieve this.

My in-laws are like this. You have two choices. Accept it and live with it (and the inevitable resentments) or ditch your partner and find someone whose family doesn't demand priority status. I obviously chose (choose) the former, but there are definitely times it's caused unhappiness and tensions. Fortunately my dh is worth it, and I know he won't repeat the same with our kids, so I suck it up (and just rant to family / friends to get it off my chest!).

While it might be cultural to them tell them in your culture it's await aninvite not just show up. Yabu to think you have to live to their cultural expectations.. Remember cfers come from all walks of life. Their way isn't more valid than yours.

I would honestly reconsider my relationship. DP is the problem. They are his parents. If he can't stand up to them now, it will 100% get worse. It will be living hell when you have kids.

Think about your future carefully.

One cultural norm that is in your future is that daughters in law are responsible for caring for their husbands' parents, over and above their own parents.

This will be coming at you from them and from your DP. Three against one.

Are you ready? Do you have the strength? Are you prepared to give in, buckle under - or fight?

Because you can't rely on your DP to stand up to lifelong cultural conditioning, parental pressure and guilt trips. He's shown you this.

Sounds like my ex-fiancé's DM. Although I broke up with him more than 2 decades ago (later married a wonderful man and now have a lovely MIL), I am still frequently grateful I dodged that bullet. Especially now that my MIL and DD are aging and need help. But I don't resent this because they never took advantage of me like my ex's family would have.

My ex's DM used to rearrange my dishes and would dig in my cupboards and just snoop! She even looked through my mail and opened it!

Be firm with DP and tell him if things don't change, you're done. It's not worth it.

Nothing will change, I'm another who speaks from experience. You need to leave him now, OP.

What she said. A man who allows this to happen won't prioritise you over his parents.

Yeah, this situation is definitely going to improve with marriage and DC...

The only way I can see a resolution is by moving at least 200 miles away. Even then, you'll probably get long, painful visits as they're retired and your DP has no boundaries.

My friend is married into an Indian family and they are very controlling and demanding. She nearly didn't marry him, but loves him very much and decided she could handle his family. If you can't handle it then don't continue in this relationship as it will get worse as they age.

To trot out a MN cliche, you have a DP problem more than a PIL problem.

I’d feel sorry for him too, except for him saying that you should be grateful for your MIL snooping around your house, leads me to think he’ll never stick up for you.

It will absolutely get worse so have a form conversation with him. I suspect you might need to separate, but if you think you can work it out give it a 6 month trial.

Yes op set your boundaries. My mother is quite demanding its exhausting. We can only do so much. Does not like hearing no. I sometimes ignore my phone.

Unless you put your foot down it will only get worse .
Boundaries need setting and sticking to .

@Pandor was spot on here:

I’d also be worried that even if he manages to push back now, once you are married and have kids, perhaps become a little more financially dependent on him, once his parents are older and put more pressure on him, once he feels more secure and perhaps a little more “traditional” in his views as he gets older, you may find his attitude starts to align much more closely with that of his parents.

Think long and hard about this. * *

The issue here is that you have no control or agency over this situation and frankly you never will.

This morning should be a wake up call.

The job interview should have top trumped everything else - yet it didn't.

You DP is and will always put his parents needs above his own, you and even any children you have.

Dealing with this now is testing. It's going to be a whole lot worse once you are married and their expectations of you will increase.

I couldn't do it personally.

I'd massively resent being on the bottom rung of the pecking order (which you will be) and could not see this as being sustainable.

Your DP is fulfilling cultural expectations that will be very, very difficult (impossible when the rest of his family is also complicit as they seem to be) to resist.

So you are going to have to accept this (and it getting more invasive in the future) or reconsider your future with your partner.

You cannot win here OP ever. I promise you I tried too.

Thank your lucky stars you found out now and don't marry this man.