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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Going away with extended family

26 replies

Trickofthetrade · 26/07/2023 10:56

Is it ok to not go away with partner, kids, his sisters, parents and families ? I find it all a bit much . Different parenting styles, a few people doing all the cooking, organising, very noisy etc etc. We have done a couple of holidays and several wknds away in one big house with this large group and I don't enjoy it, but have done it for the sake of my husband and kids . My husband knows I hate it. How do I get out of future trips or do I just need to suck it up as I have previously. (AIBU) . If I don't go it would cause massive issues and offence with the rest of the family.

OP posts:
bibbityboppityboo · 26/07/2023 10:59

If you don't like it, don't do it? If people choose to be offended by that, that's their issue imo. Perhaps do every other holiday that way, then you pick one and your husband picks one?

I'd rather have people decide to feel offended and get to actually enjoy my holidays than suffer through something I don't want to do.

Spirallingdownwards · 26/07/2023 11:18

Just say you want a quieter more relaxing holiday this time round (but every time).

Original poster
Trickofthetrade · 26/07/2023 12:03

Just to clarify, one sister lives abroad and comes back once a year and it's the only opportunity really once a year to get everyone together but it's FULL on . It's just the guilt I'd feel for my own kids and husband I suppose , plus the angst I'd have to deal with and the bitching behind my back would not be worth it. I know it probably sounds childish but great offence would be taken. So I guess I'll just have to go along with it. To clarify the weekends away ( once a year) are in addition to our own holiday ( one holiday a year, just me, husband and kids), but the odd time when we go on hols together would be our holiday for the year .

OP posts:
Coronationstation · 26/07/2023 12:10

of course it's ok not too, you can spend your holidays however you enjoy spending you time! I've done parents / sibling / nieces / nephews holidays a couple of times and quite frankly never again! There's too many people with too many different needs and demands for it to be anything like an enjoyable break. I can deal with them separately, one family at a time but combined they are a nightmare. My annual leave is precious, i'm spending it how i want.

luckylavender · 26/07/2023 12:18

So you've asked for an opinion which you know you won't take.

Original poster
Trickofthetrade · 26/07/2023 12:24

luckylavender · 26/07/2023 12:18

So you've asked for an opinion which you know you won't take.

Sorry ?

OP posts:
takealettermsjones · 26/07/2023 12:24

To be honest if the kids enjoy it, I'd suck it up every now and again - but definitely not as the main holiday every year.

Could you come up with ways to make it nicer, e.g. a cooking rota, taking turns with the siblings babysitting the kids so you get a couple of evenings just with DH, a prearranged schedule of days out etc so everyone gets to choose something they want to do?

MardaNorton · 26/07/2023 12:27

Trickofthetrade · 26/07/2023 12:03

Just to clarify, one sister lives abroad and comes back once a year and it's the only opportunity really once a year to get everyone together but it's FULL on . It's just the guilt I'd feel for my own kids and husband I suppose , plus the angst I'd have to deal with and the bitching behind my back would not be worth it. I know it probably sounds childish but great offence would be taken. So I guess I'll just have to go along with it. To clarify the weekends away ( once a year) are in addition to our own holiday ( one holiday a year, just me, husband and kids), but the odd time when we go on hols together would be our holiday for the year .

Well, a single weekend away with extended family, even if you don't enjoy it, doesn't seem like a huge sacrifice. Just put things in place that enable you to mitigate the stuff you find difficult? Are you saying that you get stuck with all the cooking, or that you don't like the cooking of whoever it is does the cooking? That can be solved, surely. Noise you can retreat from into your own bedroom, periodically. Different parenting styles are something you will encounter in all situations -- I've actually found that DS benefited from being around people with very different parenting approaches when we went on holiday with friends from other cultures with older children.

Turfwars · 26/07/2023 12:45

Send H on his own with the kids since it's his side of the family.

The way we work it in our house is that anything outside of weddings and funerals is an optional invite for the spouse. I generally go to most of the ILs stuff because they are not batshit nice and I enjoy their company but DH will only go to my side's events if they are landmark occasions.

Aquamarine1029 · 26/07/2023 12:47

Could you pick a location where you and your husband and kids could have a separate accomodation next to the rest of the family?

Original poster
Trickofthetrade · 26/07/2023 13:02

Aquamarine1029 · 26/07/2023 12:47

Could you pick a location where you and your husband and kids could have a separate accomodation next to the rest of the family?

Yes this is an option, but even this will piss them all off !!! They want everyone in the same house !

OP posts:
InSpainTheRain · 26/07/2023 13:18

I have had a "work trip" a couple of times which of course I can't get out of - that can avoid this sort of thing sometimes!

Pkhsvd · 26/07/2023 13:21

I think if it’s a weekend once a year then you need to suck it up; my DH doesn't lovey family’s big get togethers but he gets on with it for my sake. A holiday of 3+ days is different and I think it’s fair to say you find that too much

Pkhsvd · 26/07/2023 13:21

Love My family’s get togethers that should say

CurlewKate · 26/07/2023 13:34

I would go for the weekends, but have work or a strategic illness for the week. DH and the children can go.

HarridanHarvestingHeldaBeans · 26/07/2023 13:41

Maybe you could miss a year, and agree to go every other year after that? Your husband can make whatever excuses he likes for you. A work trip, illness, need to visit your own parents for a particular reason, a beekeeping course, whatever. Of course, they may all have a massive collective tantrum, but it might also be better than you fear. Either way, if you have reached the point where you just can't face it any more, then you have to do something, and that might mean upsetting the family a little. They will get over it.

It's easy to say that when it's only a weekend you should just get on with it, but when you are miserable, two whole days is a very long time!

BarrelOfOtters · 26/07/2023 13:49

I find these sorts of things quite mixed, there are bits I really like and bits I quietly remove myself from. I'm now known as the 'likes an early night' person, I'm sitting upstairs happily watching a film on my Ipad...but 'having an early night' sounds better.

Or I just take myself away - we have dogs with us often so dog walking is a good one...

My BIL deals with it by going out for long walks or offering to do the shopping, and then driving to the furthest supermarket he can find.

So we all find it a bit much at times but have coping mechanisms.

Or find somewhere that has adjacent cottages....and suggest that.

BarrelOfOtters · 26/07/2023 13:50

You could collude with husband to have a decent excuse not to go - or only go for a bit of it - while he does the whole thing.

Or just don't go, that's OK, they'll get used to it.

ManateeFair · 26/07/2023 14:18

If I don't go it would cause massive issues and offence with the rest of the family

They're arseholes, then, aren't they? Sounds like it would actually do you a favour if they stepped back due to being 'offended'.

Of course it's OK not to go on holiday with extended family, even if they're lovely people. Most people don't, in reality. I'm always surprised at how many people on Mumsnet holiday with extended family or friends all the time, because I think I only know one person in real life who ever does it.

I get on fairly well with my family but I would never, ever go on holiday with them all in a million years.

Cherrysoup · 26/07/2023 14:19

A weekend once a year? I’d suck it up for harmony’s sake, tbh.

ManateeFair · 26/07/2023 14:21

Trickofthetrade · 26/07/2023 13:02

Yes this is an option, but even this will piss them all off !!! They want everyone in the same house !

Show quote history

It actually sounds like the problem here goes a long way beyond a yearly family holiday. Why are they such needy weirdos? Why do they get to dictate your holiday acccommodation? They sound like absolute wankers.

BarrelOfOtters · 26/07/2023 14:40

I'm always surprised at how many people on Mumsnet holiday with extended family or friends all the time, because I think I only know one person in real life who ever does it.

I know loads of families who go away together - all sorts and different combinations. If you basically get along it's a great way of cousins etc to know each other and people to look after each other.

Hoppinggreen · 26/07/2023 14:44

It’s absolutely fine not to do it but it sounds like you don’t feel able to refuse.
If that’s the case you have to pick one option- go and hate it or don’t go and deal with the nastiness from your family

LittleMissUnreasonable · 26/07/2023 14:47

I'd send DH on his own with the kids, say you can't get the week off as annual leave. Then do something with friends or have some time to yourself.

LittleMissUnreasonable · 26/07/2023 14:49

I'm always surprised at how many people on Mumsnet holiday with extended family or friends all the time, because I think I only know one person in real life who ever does it.

@ManateeFair How do you think single people do it if they don't have a direct nuclear family to go away with. I have a DH and kids and do a combination of family and friends holidays (small trips we can afford not weeks away in Florida)