People ignoring me

[neurospecial]

I'm looking for constructive ideas and suggestions on what I can do to get the best out of my interactions with people, personally and professionally. Or AIBU and should just deal with it because this is how life is?

I am very respectful and communicative with people and I'm always willing to go an extra mile to be of service to others.

The issue is that I notice that people ignore me more often than not especially in communications or interactions that I initiate.

Some example to provide context:

1. I go into the office and say good morning to colleagues, but most people ignore me and just carry on chatting as though my presence is unnoticed.
2. I ring my mum just to see whether we can chat and she quickly rushes me off the phone.
3. During a health emergency, I ring my now ex and they just won't pick up and won't even acknowledge that they saw my missed calls. Hospital had to ring them up to tell them to come over and yet, they say they'll arrive when they can.
4. I email clients about work updates and ask for their feedback but they don't even respond at all.
5. I set up meetings with colleagues, but they don't attend and they don't RSVP to indicate this. They don't even shoot me a message to let me know they won't come; and then see them in subsequent meetings with others.
6. Last day at job, and colleagues don't say any farewell. They just don't bring it up. Even managers don't do handovers; they just stop engaging with me weeks before my last day. I email team to inform them I resigned and only one or two people respond.

7, I had a cancer scare and told a few friends, and they just switched the conversation to something else and never asked what the diagnosis was.

1. I meet men online and agree dates and they cancel on me 5 minutes before meeting time.
2. If something went wrong in my house and I messaged my landlord, he just ignore.

10. I get a new job and text my mentors to ask for references and they just ignore for weeks. But I'd only just gone to coffee the week before explaining my career move and they'd promised to support me, 11. I text and call friends and families to check up on them and they don't answer or acknowledge receipt at all. 12. I give gifts to family members and they don't say thank you or with my ex, he'd trash it as soon as I walked out of the door. 13. I go to government meetings and want to network afterwards, but people are closed off or just giving me one word answers, for example, a lady said to me last week 'I have an officer in your level, why don't you get in touch with them' 14. I was giving a big speech yesterday. My mentor offered to attend to observe and give me feedback. They didn't come and they didn't inform me they wouldn't or apologise afterwards. 15. When I call ex or friends, sometimes they say 'oh let me quickly call you back,' but they never do.

These are just some of my experiences. I'm educated, and present myself properly. I portray confidence on the outside but on the inside, these things have slowly shattered my self esteem. I'm lonely inside and broken due to being unable to connect with people. I feel that people don't see me as someone to reckon with hence why they can't be bothered to prioritise engaging with me.

Does anyone experience something similar?
I've noticed I've started to distance myself from people in order for them not to have any opportunity to ignore me. This week, I've been practicing not speaking to people except I'm spoken to. Is this the solution? Does anyone have any advice? What can I do to interact better with people?

Hi OP.
That is a lot!
It sounds like you need an expert to observe you and feed back to you.
Either too intense or too shy would be my guess.

Do you expect to be ignored?

I wonder how you engage with people?

Are you asking about them? Is the conversation one sided?

We have a lady at work who really struggles to speak to people as she’s full on … or doesn’t read the room.

Maybe seek psychotherapy

I think number 6 explains al lot of the ignoring at the previous job, you chose to leave.

Is it worth asking friends?

A few things stand out in your post:

1. Why are you buying your ex gifts when you know he trashes them? why are you calling him, or texting him? he's an ex for a reason and he sounds like an absolute dickhead, yet you are still going back for more
2. Why are you buying gifts for people who dont appreciate them or say thank you?
3. Why do you continue to be friends with people who dont even care if you have cancer?

Much of the above is on you, not them. Yes, they sound objectively unkind people but you are still buying them presents! You are continuing to engage with people who dont treat you well- why is that? The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results- these people arent going to change, you either accept their shitty behaviour or you move on and stop with the present/rewarding of their crappy behaviour. You cannot change others but you can change your reaction to them.

Also, you say you come across as confident but if you feel broken inside this is very unlikely and unfortunately people pick up on that. If you come across as shy and awkward in social situations then people will respond to that unfortunately. It sounds like you have very low self esteem and the world is mirroring that back to you, its called the self fulfilling prophecy. I think you need to start with looking inside first and not towards others, building up your self esteem, putting in healthy boundaries with others, building confidence etc and then as a natural consequence of that, your interactions and relationships with others will improve. Also, look at articles on assertiveness - being able to express your needs and boundaries to others clearly and firmly but also in a calm, polite manner.

I struggle with this a lot and I have a number of theories. Really really briefly:

(Forget about your ex, he’s really bad news and doesn’t figure in this. Awful person, clearly.)

I’m intense. Most probably have ADHD and/or autism. I’m not for everyone.

Being ND I most likely surround myself with people who are similar. So I might well have expressly chosen friends who do genuinely care about me and are also hopeless at responding to messages sometimes. I know I am.

Some ND people are really just so fucking rude and cannot trouble themselves to say hello to someone they don’t rate.

A lot of people are more relaxed than I am and lack situational awareness; they honestly don’t notice when someone walks into the room. (I always do, I’m hyperalert.)

I’m of an age and sex that society considers less valuable, some people have always underrated me due to that. Their loss, their mistake.

i have missed social cues that many people would have noticed meant that certain colleagues/friends only ever wanted cordial relationships with me and I thought we were closer than we were.

Due to ADHD I am hypersensitive to perceived rejection. It’s a brain chemical thing - look it up. Knowing this has helped me so much as I am more aware that my body is responding in a way that is not really in line with the reality/seriousness of the situation.

I could go on and on and on. I wonder if anything in that speaks to you?

Sorry you’re in this position. I know it’s tough.

“Really really briefly” - er, not! 😂

Some ND people are really just so fucking rude and cannot trouble themselves to say hello to someone they don’t rate.

Bloody hell this was meant to say NT! Some neurotypical people are really rude!

This is a lot. I did wonder about your email communication style, to get so few responses when people should have some level of interest at work. Could you separate the line items out?

7 are Work - take come concrete examples like the client email, missed meeting and speech to your manager. Say you feel unable to get attention appropriately, can they help you or recommend a training course to improve your impact.

2 and 2 family (with ex inclusions) are Ex or randoms online - delete and forget about it.

1 is landlord - get more forceful. Make sure the message is very clear about what action you expect him to take and go to citizens advice if that isn't happening. You can raise tenancy deposit scheme and/or council complaints about private landlords if they are awful.

4 are Mum, friends and other family - tricky one, but I think you need to focus on whoever does actually reply, and put less effort into the others. Even if that's your mum.

Are people avoiding you because you talk too much? I have someone working for me who is absolutely lovely but lord above can she talk. I tend to schedule her work for when I'm not there because otherwise she will waste an hour just talking.

I think @mangochops’s point is key — you keep behaving in specific people-pleasing ways to people who ignore you. There are no consequences for them for behaving as though you don’t exist, because you don’t change your behaviour because of their (mis)treatment of you. You need to start by taking some responsibility for your part in the dynamic and working on your self-esteem and boundaries. When you are fully visible to yourself, you are visible to other people.

I wonder if in trying to present as someone confident and capable you are just coming across as needy and perhaps coming across as someone looking for attention rather than someone who is looking to engage with others. Sorry if that's a little too brutal.

Yes- exactly. I love your phrase "when you are fully visible to yourself you are visible to other people"- so true.

OP- I hope what I said didnt come across as harsh, I used to also people please so I understand its difficult. Its hard to feel ignored and then feel like "its your fault" and I am not saying that, but I am saying that there are clearly people in your life that for whatever reason you continue to keep around even though they are treating you poorly. I urge you to examine that, we always look to others to give us validation but instead, you need to look within yourself and give yourself validation to end relationships that no longer serve you. When you stop relying on others for validation and approval, friendships become so much easier and natural.

It's impossible to say without knowing your communication style. Could you get a coach through work or ask about training in communication? I found that really useful.

Some of the examples sound fairly normal, others sound a bit odd. Your private life is different but at work you can expect a more balanced level of interaction. If meetings are going in people's diaries, are you messaging them or talking to them about the meetings beforehand? I often get meetings put in my diary without people discussing in advance and in all honesty sometimes I do ignore them because I haven't a clue what they are about and I think it's a bit unfair to ask for an hour of my time without telling me what I am supposed to prepare for. I work with someone with terrible communication skills - wrong volume of emails, emailing constantly about multiple thoughts etc and to be honest I try to cut down on my interactions with that person because it's so draining.

If one person behaves like this then it's likely them but if everyone in your life and everyone you encounter behaved the same way then you have to take a look at yourself.

There must be something about the way you communicate or how you behave that is getting this reaction from everyone you interact with.

Is there anyone in your life you can trust to give you honest feedback?

I know it's a cliche on here but autism?

@Intothewoodswithallthegoods did you insult the wrong demographic? Ideally you should avoid all sweeping generalisations!

I think some people will quickly ditch friends who ignore them. But you don’t, so you end up with a lot of them. Most people wouldn’t bother with an ex either.

I often get meetings put in my diary without people discussing in advance and in all honesty sometimes I do ignore them because I haven't a clue what they are about and I think it's a bit unfair to ask for an hour of my time without telling me what I am supposed to prepare for.
This is very unprofessional, I'd be angry if someone in my team behaved like this. If you don't know the purpose of a meeting then ask, if you feel it isn't relevant then politely decline, point them to the correct team if relevant. I don't care if it's a junior graduate or a director, ignoring their communication at work is unacceptable.

Maybe stop trying so hard, Focus on yourself and your work. Let them to come to you when they need something.

And stop contacting your ex. Why would you do that unless you have children? He's an ex !! I have spoken to my last ex three times in 9 years, when he rang me.

OP, I know you will have much more helpful replies, but I have come to the conclusion that many people, organisations, and others are either oblivious to the basic rules of reciprocal interaction, or are just plain rude.

Here are some examples with my opinions in brackets.

My youngest son had plucked up the courage to get help for his difficulties, professionals assured him they would make appointments every week- three weeks later, he has heard nothing. (They are unprofessional dickheads).

I worked for a company for seven years. I had to leave due to caring responsibilities. No-one said goodbye, gave me a card or even dropped a 'sad to see you go' e-mail. (I am so glad I am not working with those hypocrites again).

Try to pass a pleasant 'Good morning, nice weather' type conversation with someone at the bus stop. They do not respond. (They must be having a really bad day).

As for those networking events, well, goodness me, I have also met some insufferable snobs. If they really are as important as they think they are, they would have the grace to treat others with some degree of civility.

On the other hand, there are many occasions when I have experienced really lovely behaviour from others. Do you have positive examples to balance these negative experiences?

Actually, I can think of one person who used to rage at me for not turning up to his meetings.

He used to send me 400 word emails, solid text, very waffly, sometimes two or three emails in a row. Somewhere in the text would be a question or an invitation to a meeting.

I used to miss them regularly because I'd got bored three paragraphs in. or been called away to something urgent. Every time he complained, I'd say, send a diary meeting request and a one line description - To discuss spring customer survey - but he never did.

Keep requests concise and only when needed. Most people too busy for unnecessary meetings.

Are you a manager OP? I wouldn't go to a meeting I hadn't been invited to by a manager tbh although I appreciate it could be different in your line of work. If you are a manager, why are you letting them get away with ignoring your meeting requests?

Why did you ring your ex, was it for childcare?

Ok. I am going to look at each point and give my opinion on possible opinions :

• I go into the office and say good morning to colleagues, but most people ignore me and just carry on chatting as though my presence is unnoticed.

Fairly normal in an office situation. Everyone is coming in saying "morning" so they would have to break their conversation every second or so. Those not in conversation respond do you think you are just focusing on the ones that don't. "Morning " is often just rhetorical and doesn't require a response

1. I ring my mum just to see whether we can chat and she quickly rushes me off the phone.

Does she? Or have you caught her at a bad moment when she's busy or about to go out , or has she got nothing to add to the conversation. I hate speaking on the phone so once I'm done I can't do the small talk go and see her. Arrange a convenient time for you both

1. During a health emergency, I ring my now ex and they just won't pick up and won't even acknowledge that they saw my missed calls. Hospital had to ring them up to tell them to come over and yet, they say they'll arrive when they can.

Again. Perfectly reasonable. You've talked an ex. He's not at your beck and call. He's an ex. He could have been on a date or doing something where it isn't appropriate to answer a call from his ex.

Also perfectly valid that he said he would come when he can. That's not ignoring you. That's a healthy boundary

1. I email clients about work updates and ask for their feedback but they don't even respond at all.

Again perfectly normal. Unless it requires a response. You are just updating. They are busy. You've updated them. Job done

1. I set up meetings with colleagues, but they don't attend and they don't RSVP to indicate this. They don't even shoot me a message to let me know they won't come; and then see them in subsequent meetings with others.

Business or personal. If it's a professional matter then that needs raising with your lube manager. If they are in other meetings perfectly valid. But needs clarification. If it's personal then they don't have to meet with you honestly (please dint shoot me. You seem to take everything personally are you a little too intense with them?

1. Last day at job, and colleagues don't say any farewell. They just don't bring it up. Even managers don't do handovers; they just stop engaging with me weeks before my last day. I email team to inform them I resigned and only one or two people respond.

Hurtful but many companies are like this sadly. Again your ficusing on who didn't respond. Not who did !

7, I had a cancer scare and told a few friends, and they just switched the conversation to something else and never asked what the diagnosis was.

Some people just can't handle tough information and think by ignoring it it goes away. It's shitty behaviour but common. It doesn't mean they didn't care , it probably means the opposite if they dont mentio it. It's disappeared or (and I'm not dating this is what happened , it could be the way you presented it. Eg " I've got a mole that looks a bit suspect. Having it removed tomorrow to check it's nothing sinister". Response. "yeah always good to check these things. ". Conversation moves on. That's a normal response

1. I meet men online and agree dates and they cancel on me 5 minutes before meeting time.

Again normal. oLD is hideous. Don't do it. Join a class instead. Or a meet up group

1. If something went wrong in my house and I messaged my landlord, he just ignore. Standard shitty landlord behaviour. Just keep pushing

10. I get a new job and text my mentors to ask for references and they just ignore for weeks. But I'd only just gone to coffee the week before explaining my career move and they'd promised to support me,

they will respond to firnak requests from future employers. They don't send them directly to you that's standard

11. I text and call friends and families to check up on them and they don't answer or acknowledge receipt at all.

I'm a bugger for that. I read a message when I'm busy intending to respond and completely forgot. It's rude but common

12. I give gifts to family members and they don't say thank you or with my ex, he'd trash it as soon as I walked out of the door.

He's your ex for a reason

It's rude , prompt them ..."did you get the present ? " Surely they say thank you when you give it to them ? Or are you expecting something more concret like a written thank you. Which you definitely won't get

13. I go to government meetings and want to network afterwards, but people are closed off or just giving me one word answers, for example, a lady said to me last week 'I have an officer in your level, why don't you get in touch with them'

But they're right aren't they? They've given you the networking contact that will benefit you. Networking is tiresome and lots hate it. Usually boone is interested. They just want a catch up with old colleagues and a drink

14. I was giving a big speech yesterday. My mentor offered to attend to observe and give me feedback. They didn't come and they didn't inform me they wouldn't or apologise afterwards.

Did you chase this up ? Something must have come up. Shitty to not come or inform you. But you need to be proactive. While this is important to you. It isn't to them and they will prioritize their workload

15. When I call ex or friends, sometimes they say 'oh let me quickly call you back,' but they never do.

Why are you calling your ex? Sounds like they are putting in appropriate boundaries without hurting your feelings. Your friends also. They are busy. Not everyone has time or the inclination to chat on the phone. I hate it. Text me. Don't call arrange to meet in person so they have time to chat

These are just some of my experiences. I'm educated, and present myself properly. I portray confidence on the outside but on the inside, these things have slowly shattered my self esteem. I'm lonely inside this I feel is the issue. You are overthinking and over analysing. You are lonely and reaching out so you are focusing on rejection which probably isn't really there and broken due to being unable to connect with people. I feel that people don't see me as someone to reckon with hence why they can't be bothered to prioritise engaging with me.

My objective option based solely on your op. I haven't read anything else is you you need to expand your friendship groups by joining something light-hearted. A painting class a meet up group hiking group whatever you fancy. Understand that others have other priorities in their lives and are busy so try to be less "needy". Keep conversation light and not intense stop phoning people. Just text. "hey fancy a coffee this week"? Don't overstay your welcome meet for an hour for a coffee respect that people are often very busy

You aren't doing anything wrong except overthinking normal situations because you are lonely

You sound like hard work tbh, your expectations are too high and seem a bit relentless. The only reason I can think that friends wouldnt delve into a cancer diagnosis supporting chat is you having form for this sort of drama, which your post sort of highlights in itself.