People ignoring me

[neurospecial]

I'm looking for constructive ideas and suggestions on what I can do to get the best out of my interactions with people, personally and professionally. Or AIBU and should just deal with it because this is how life is?

I am very respectful and communicative with people and I'm always willing to go an extra mile to be of service to others.

The issue is that I notice that people ignore me more often than not especially in communications or interactions that I initiate.

Some example to provide context:

1. I go into the office and say good morning to colleagues, but most people ignore me and just carry on chatting as though my presence is unnoticed.
2. I ring my mum just to see whether we can chat and she quickly rushes me off the phone.
3. During a health emergency, I ring my now ex and they just won't pick up and won't even acknowledge that they saw my missed calls. Hospital had to ring them up to tell them to come over and yet, they say they'll arrive when they can.
4. I email clients about work updates and ask for their feedback but they don't even respond at all.
5. I set up meetings with colleagues, but they don't attend and they don't RSVP to indicate this. They don't even shoot me a message to let me know they won't come; and then see them in subsequent meetings with others.
6. Last day at job, and colleagues don't say any farewell. They just don't bring it up. Even managers don't do handovers; they just stop engaging with me weeks before my last day. I email team to inform them I resigned and only one or two people respond.

7, I had a cancer scare and told a few friends, and they just switched the conversation to something else and never asked what the diagnosis was.

1. I meet men online and agree dates and they cancel on me 5 minutes before meeting time.
2. If something went wrong in my house and I messaged my landlord, he just ignore.

10. I get a new job and text my mentors to ask for references and they just ignore for weeks. But I'd only just gone to coffee the week before explaining my career move and they'd promised to support me, 11. I text and call friends and families to check up on them and they don't answer or acknowledge receipt at all. 12. I give gifts to family members and they don't say thank you or with my ex, he'd trash it as soon as I walked out of the door. 13. I go to government meetings and want to network afterwards, but people are closed off or just giving me one word answers, for example, a lady said to me last week 'I have an officer in your level, why don't you get in touch with them' 14. I was giving a big speech yesterday. My mentor offered to attend to observe and give me feedback. They didn't come and they didn't inform me they wouldn't or apologise afterwards. 15. When I call ex or friends, sometimes they say 'oh let me quickly call you back,' but they never do.

These are just some of my experiences. I'm educated, and present myself properly. I portray confidence on the outside but on the inside, these things have slowly shattered my self esteem. I'm lonely inside and broken due to being unable to connect with people. I feel that people don't see me as someone to reckon with hence why they can't be bothered to prioritise engaging with me.

Does anyone experience something similar?
I've noticed I've started to distance myself from people in order for them not to have any opportunity to ignore me. This week, I've been practicing not speaking to people except I'm spoken to. Is this the solution? Does anyone have any advice? What can I do to interact better with people?

I wonder if people aren't really understanding that you need as response. Have you read nice girls don't get the corner office? Might be worth a look.

Ignore my typos 🤣

Judging by OP's username, I think it's likely she's neurodivergent.

I want a lube manager tho

It’s hard to know what’s going on without watching all this play out but one thing I can say is that when I’m around the same people a lot it feels strange when they say hello to me, because I just saw them not long ago.

@Maddy70 's post is very balanced and helpful. We have a tendency as humans to focus on the negative when things aren't going well and any positives get cancelled out.

Also to gravitate towards relationships that reinforce past unresolved traumas ie ignoring or emotionally abusive parents. But as another PP said if you keep doing the same thing expecting a different result you will drive yourself mad.

Perhaps some counselling would be helpful to you, to unpick your patterns and come up with some strategies to handle these situations. 💐

We all do ;)

This! I avoid people who take forever when talking! ( I'm talking family here!) I mean people who never get to the point and you can't get away from/ word in edgeways .

Was that seriously your main takeaway from my post?

@MRex It doesn't sound like you and I are in the same industry but either way, I'm a senior leader so if they want me to go to a meeting, they can send an agenda ahead of time and let me know.

I think it is so rude when people just put meetings in with no explanation in advance about what will be talked about, particularly over lunch times. It really winds me up.

Thank you all for responding; I've found some advice useful and will take time to reflect on them. I'm already applying some strategies suggested like therapy and allowing people to come to me rather than reaching out.
Also, I really was ignored as a child and continue to be ignored by my family and this has always been my parents weapon for manipulation/ punishment, and it's been weighing on my mind how that's affected me, so, thank you to the person who flagged this.
And thank you to the PP who said that there are
positives which should be my focus and that's absolutely right; there are.

I will explain some things that perhaps were misinterpreted:

• I don't call or gift anything to my now ex. I meant that I was once in a relationship with them, they didn't acknowledge my texts or calls and when I had a medical emergency which they were well aware was happening (losing a baby), they ignored my call so much so the hospital had to call them to come over. And when I would gift them something, I'd find they've taken the financially viable parts (e.g., flight ticket) and binned the rest (e.g., handmade painting that they'd told me they'd appreciate if I painted for them).

So no, I don't call or text my ex for anything now. I have no reason to.

1. I'm not needy. I don't over talk or particularly take up people's time because I'm very busy with my own activities. I have a range of hobbies that keep me busy spending time with myself. But isn't it naturally human to want to connect? To give a smile, have a light chat etc.

I don't go around saying I have health issues. It's more like friends see me around and express concern that I've lost weight, they press me harder and then I say oh they found a tumour and I'm going to hospital daily for XY&Z to get to the bottom of it and then they switch to just offloading about them to me and have never asked how my health is going. I don't need anyone to ask. I'm on top of my stuff. I'm just wondering if if something is wrong with me or them or us all!

1. People describe me as confident and suggesting that nothing phases me so I highly doubt they see a weak person. I suspect I'm just not engaged until I'm needed. My mum will give time to chat when she needs my money, but won't give time to chat to know how work is going for example.

1. I'm a manager and well accomplished in my own right. I don't call unnecessary meetings. I call stakeholder meetings required by the business following the Chief Exec's directives. I don't call them to meetings to come hear about my cats and dogs. It's part of their job to be there. And emails are usually a few lines,

In some high level spaces with snobbishness, actually people ignore me until they hear my title announced or when they see a high level official acknowledge me, then their eyes lit up.

1. Re references: they didn't do the references as my new employer asked me to chase them up to respond. I'd already gone to coffee with them and texted them prior to let them know that reference requests were coming but they didn't respond for 2 months.

Yes, I'm ND and I have other intersections that make me different so, I can't just peg my inability to connect to my differences and close the case. Can I? I'm sure there are ways for everyone to thrive.

Thank you. This is very helpful.

Thank you so much. This brings tears to my eyes. All you mentioned speaks to me.

My advice would be to step back from the people who are being rude and not acknowledging presents, your mum etc. Let them come to you. I find a lot of people very rude and wonder who dragged them up. Be aware that you are sensitive to rejection due to your childhood.

This is a problem in our workplace too, only senior people seem to be bothered to rsvp or respond. It drives our director loopy and honestly makes me not want to bother organising anything nice for the team. It's annoying having to ring people or walk around and confirm with them.

I'm ADHD and autistic, OP, and I recognise a lot of your experiences here.

One thing I've realised and thought about recently is that, in my desire to come across "correctly" and not be excluded (thanks, autism and ADHD for making me act "weird"!), I often come across almost too ok. I know I come across very confident, happy, like nothing's a problem. I think that actually this leaves people very little to say or contribute, because I seem so "ok"! I've noticed in other people who present like me, that is, very collected and confident and happy/unbothered, that they often don't get as enthusiastic and engaged responses from people. I think this is because people register the "okayness" and the lack of visible vulnerability and sort of mentally "tick off" that person in their mind - sort of go, oh, well they're ok, don't need to worry too much about them.

I also used to (still do - I'm working on it, though) not really leave much "empty space" in conversations. I wouldn't natter on - I'm very, very conscious of not taking up peoples' time, etc., but I would sort of "round off" everything I said. I thought that by doing this I was making conversations more pleasant and showing understanding, but actually, it just left people with nothing much to really say because I kind of covered everything. It's very hard to describe, but I've found I have much better conversations with people now that I actually say less, and don't feel I have to give full and complete answers to everything I'm asked. I can just respond in a relaxed way and not worry about trying to express everything that comes to mind.

Sorry, posted too soon.

Meant to finish by saying that I'm sharing all that in case any of it resonates for you, and also to demonstrate that there's always more to learn about ourselves!

Regardless of what's going on, though, you deserve to feel heard, OP.

Totally agree with this

I took issue with someone stating they would just "ignore" it. Nobody can, nor should, go to every meeting, but ignoring an invite from within your company or a direct client/ supplier is not acceptable in professional work. Usually the meeting has at least a title, so you can decide if it's relevant or not. If not, decline. If you don't know why you're included, ask directly or request an agenda. Leaving someone to dial in expecting you and hang around waiting is very rude.