Husband so mean when I’m ill

[littlestrawberryhat]

Just wanted to vent this here as I’m feeling very upset and hurt. I was diagnosed with shingles a week ago, it’s been a week of on and off excruciating pain, not being able to sleep, really irritated and sore rashy skin and now the blisters are healing it’s both incredibly itchy and tender at the same time. It’s been hellish and I don’t get much time to rest as we have a 2 year old at home. Today I woke up feeling completely drained, chills, aching joints and tired to my bones. I spent the day sleeping and trying to do some work from home. I’m guessing it’s still the virus taking it out of me.
I do dinner bath and bed as husband isn’t home yet. Crawl back into my bed once toddler is asleep. Husband comes crashing into the house at about 7.30, muttering and mumbling, banging things in the kitchen and then I hear “arrogant bitch doesn’t even come and say hello”. This gets my back up and it turns into a bit of a row. He has not apologised yet.
the thing that hurts most is if he was unwell the first thing I’d do if I saw he wasn’t downstairs is go upstairs and give him a cuddle and ask if he needed anything.
he’s had a bad day at the office but nothing major. I just can’t cope with it anymore. Whenever there’s a bit of stress in his life this happens.

I've been with dh for 10 years, married for 9. In all that time he's never referred to me as a bitch and he's had plenty of stressful moments at work or whatever excuse you are offering up for your partner. Of course you deserve better. I've had shingles, many years ago, it was painful, itchy, the lack of sleep really made for a miserable experience. He should have been thinking about ways to make your life easier such as taking some time off if possible so he could have managed your toddler. At the moment I'd make resting a priority so if you can take some time off I would. I'd also make the bedtime routine as easy as possible and if that means bathing your lo every other day that is OK.

You do yourself and your lo a disservice staying in a relationship where your oh displays such vitriol for you.

Calling a spouse a bitch or asshole or dickhead or cunt or any name is just completely inappropriate. The lack of respect is unlikely to only be present when you are sick if that is how he speaks about you. I would take a hard look at the relationship overall. Is there disrespect throughout?

Thank you poshpineapple, it was so helpful to hear your experiences with similar behaviour in your relationship. Also heartening that you have been together so long and have managed to work through these differences. I really appreciate all the replies on this thread and I can see how bad it sounds but the rest of the time we are so happy, he is a wonderful man and father and does so much for me and our child. I love him so much and we get on so well, but there is this part of him I don’t understand. He is extremely sensitive and has had some bereavement based trauma in his childhood and teenage years and sometimes I wonder if this all gets stirred up when he is stressed and he takes it out on those he loves. I don’t know. It’s such a nasty streak and it’s drives me crazy but I never feel in any danger or abused so to speak in any other ways. He has apologised but I’m still hurt and we are still a bit “off” which feels very sad to be honest. I feel like if I hadn’t have read the responses on here we would be back to normal…but maybe it’s a good thing seeing how others would react. I’m rambling, apologies!

Men like this, and believe me there are plenty of them, are horrible, contemptuous, and spiteful cunts, who don’t see women as anything other than appliances who should always be ready to service them. They should be set on fire.

My fella is the same. If I take any time off from cooking / cleaning / childcare, I’ll surely suffer for it later. He’ll bring a cuppa (that’s his job done), then once I’m up it starts… Especially if he has to mind the kid.

Reading your last post, littlestrawberryhat, with my DH it’s childhood trauma / bereavement too. His bad streak had almost destroyed our marriage. It’s sad. But you can’t fix him, he needs proper help.

Did this really happen? Man who’s a wonderful DH and dad, calls his DW an ‘arrogant bitch’ out of the blue because she’s sick. And the OP is questioning whether this is unreasonable?

He's an awful man simple as that there's no 'he's had a bad day at the office' or he has a traumatic childhood/ teenage hood he's just vile. I'd start saving and planning the exit.

DH has trauma due to death of a child (before we were together) and shuts down etc but he would NEVER call me an arrogant bitch, or even think it.

His trauma means he will try and distance himself from the situation, not that he would lash out at me and call me horrible names.

OP,

There is no excuse for his behaviour.

Do not kid yourself.

You feel sad because you probably realise this is part of a bigger picture.

You have had one child with this nasty piece of work, don't inflict him on another.

I hope you feel better soon and see the truth of this situation and exactly how awful his behaviour is.

Too often on MN this awful behaviour is excused and explained away.

This is who he is.

Not a good man.

I'm sorry.

He is not going to get better with time. Showing his true colours. leave him.

I had one of them. Please leave him.

If my DP would call me a bitch, he'd sleep at his mother's. Move there if he did it while I was ill and incapacitated.

Having a bad day at work is no reason to treat you so badly when you're unwell. So what is really his problem?

Have they worked through their differences or is she just putting up with his behaviour

I carry a lot of the mental load and do majority of housework. If dh is poorly he goes to bed and everything ticks over the same. If I'm ill he has to have kids/arrange childcare, do housework, manage kid admin. Whilst working. He ends up massively stressed and has been known to snap. Which is horrible when you are in well. I would not accept being called a bitch.
And you had had your child, worked from home you deserve a medal

I'd not long come out of weeks stay in hospital after lumbar puncture and was still suffering from severe headaches and nausea unless I was laid flat. I was laid on the settee when my exH came and pretty much dragged me off and told me we were sorting the bedroom out. I told him there was no way I could even stand up that long to do anything but he wasn't having any of it. He'd even covered every bit of the bed possible with paperwork and clothes , so I couldn't have laid down if I'd wanted to. Mind you this was the guy who when I was poorly on our Cruise and had to go to the on board medical centre for antibiotics, threw the bill at me and asked if I was happy I'd just wasted €97 because I'd got tonsillitis. The answer to that after spending hundreds of dollars on a cruise. Yes I was happy I'd just wasted all that money on some antibiotics because it meant I could enjoy the food and drinks package I'd forked out on.

How can they truly believe this sort of behaviour is reasonable? I can’t even imagine my brain landing on that sort of conclusion, to treat someone with such contempt and to truly believe they’d got tonsillitis through their own failings and therefore, in order to somehow spite me.

It’s such fucked up thinking and behaviour.

@littlestrawberryhat

Thank you poshpineapple, it was so helpful to hear your experiences with similar behaviour in your relationship. Also heartening that you have been together so long and have managed to work through these differences.

They haven't worked through them though, she just tolerates his behaviour now:

After 29 years together, we've given up trying to figure it out - he knows he's like that but I genuinely don't think even he understands why.

I don't personally think that it is in any way healthy to accept that your partner just shuts down, disengages and becomes mean and grumpy whenever they feel stressed. And I certainly don't think that it's a sign of a loving partner not to seek help for their toxic behaviour when they know it's an issue, even if they don't understand why they do it. That's what therapy is for.

It's ok if your standards are different and you aren't willing to tolerate someone's mood dictating that of the house / someone being nasty to you when you're poorly / someone being unsupportive when you're vulnerable. It's not much to ask!

I left my husband mainly because of how he treated me when I was unwell (v.similar to your description)

I am so glad I did, I have never regretted it. And 10.years later I have a disabling chronic condition that would have left me so vulnerable if I was still with him.

It's easier being on your own than with someone who is abusive when you are ill

I would recommend as a minimum that you get decent couples counselling from someone who is robust enough to call him about on his behaviour and help you make it clear that it is unacceptable and that you will walk if he doesn't get better at supporting you when ill.

Do this before you are properly ill and vulnerable with something

I think some people (men in particular) cannot cope if their partner has a chronic condition - they are bad enough if you have flu for 5 days. They've lost their housekeeper and companion for entertainment and probably a decent enough sex life on tap.

I am very cynical these days about how many men see a relationship and whilst they may care about you , it's very much that they find it hard to cope with if anything outside of their own self impacts on their life and time or plans and become quite resentful . I'm sure some women feel this way too but I think on the whole hide it better .

Surely2023IsTheYearForMyRainbowBaby that is really awful! I'm so glad you said Exh.

Also heartening that you have been together so long and have managed to work through these differences.
They haven't worked anything out though she's just put up with his awful behaviour for years.

I think OP you need to not just let this go. If it really is out of character and he's not normally such an arsehole then you need to make it very clear to him that you won't tolerate that kind of behaviour again and mean it.
I don't imagine how I'd come back from a partner treating me like that. I dont think I could feel the same about them again.

Heed what PPs have said. Seriously. When you're well, get him out of your life. Hope you feel better soon, shingles is a beast.