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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband so mean when I’m ill

73 replies

littlestrawberryhat · 25/07/2023 20:31

Just wanted to vent this here as I’m feeling very upset and hurt. I was diagnosed with shingles a week ago, it’s been a week of on and off excruciating pain, not being able to sleep, really irritated and sore rashy skin and now the blisters are healing it’s both incredibly itchy and tender at the same time. It’s been hellish and I don’t get much time to rest as we have a 2 year old at home. Today I woke up feeling completely drained, chills, aching joints and tired to my bones. I spent the day sleeping and trying to do some work from home. I’m guessing it’s still the virus taking it out of me.
I do dinner bath and bed as husband isn’t home yet. Crawl back into my bed once toddler is asleep. Husband comes crashing into the house at about 7.30, muttering and mumbling, banging things in the kitchen and then I hear “arrogant bitch doesn’t even come and say hello”. This gets my back up and it turns into a bit of a row. He has not apologised yet.
the thing that hurts most is if he was unwell the first thing I’d do if I saw he wasn’t downstairs is go upstairs and give him a cuddle and ask if he needed anything.
he’s had a bad day at the office but nothing major. I just can’t cope with it anymore. Whenever there’s a bit of stress in his life this happens.

OP posts:
Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 26/07/2023 13:34

How are you @littlestrawberryhat ?

AlligatorPsychopath · 26/07/2023 13:37

As someone once put it on here, men like this don't really see you as a human. You're a domestic appliance for washing, cleaning, cooking, childcare, and coddling and they're annoyed that you're malfunctioning. You don't have to be nice to a broken washing machine, do you? You give the bastard thing a kick and cuss it out.

Fillyfrog · 26/07/2023 13:40

Who calls their beloved wife an arrogant bitch because shes too poorly to come down and greet them straight away?! Awful, awful man x

Original poster
littlestrawberryhat · 26/07/2023 13:56

Thank you so much for all your kind words. Just saying it out loud even if it’s just on here has helped me see things clearly…ie that what he said was not OK. Thankfully today I am feeling much better but I’m upset by his actions last night. I don’t know where it comes from, this contempt for me especially as I hadn’t seen him all day, you are all so right- he can’t be speaking to me like that with a toddler in the house. I asked him to imagine him overhearing his dad speaking to his mum like that which put things into perspective for him. It doesn’t matter how hard a day I’ve had, i would never speak about him like that especially if I knew he was unwell. I’d go straight upstairs and check he was ok. Lots to think about but thank you again for your kind words of support.

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 26/07/2023 14:10

What is he adding to your life, OP, because if my DH held me in such contempt, I’d be seriously questioning the point of being with him.

Calvinlookingforhobbes · 26/07/2023 14:11

LTB

MrsTWH · 26/07/2023 14:14

That is really horrible, OP. Totally uncalled for.

what is he like on special days - your birthday, Mother’s Day, Christmas?

Wishimaywishimight · 26/07/2023 14:16

Whatever his excuse, speaking about your life partner in such a contemptuous tone and with such vile words, shows how they really feel about you. There is no apology in the world that can change the level of disrespect that exists in your relationship.

ManateeFair · 26/07/2023 14:29

My relationship would be over if my partner called me an 'arrogant bitch', whether I was ill or not.

I'm guessing that your problems go a long way beyond him being 'mean' while you have shingles. He's a nasty piece of work, OP. This clearly isn't a one-off. Men who use 'a bad day at work' as an excuse for being abusive and cruel to their partners are bad news and he will not change. I speak from personal experience. There are many appropriate ways to deal with the stress of bad day, and taking it out on other people just to watch them be hurt is not one of them.

pinkishlemonade · 26/07/2023 14:44

My relationship would be over if my partner called me an 'arrogant bitch', whether I was ill or not.

Same here.

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 26/07/2023 14:51

Well you know exactly how to treat him next time he's feeling ill

UnfunnyJester · 26/07/2023 14:59

Calling someone an arrogant bitch might be forgiven (of course it's not alright to do this) in the context of a heated argument but you hadn't even seen him let alone spoken!
He said it because you weren't there to greet him like a loyal dog. So he saw you as an arrogant bitch instead.

whyisntanelephantblue · 26/07/2023 14:59

I wouldnt stay with a man who called me an arrogant bitch while I was suffering with shingles, and I just tossed my ex partner out of my flat for cheating. Name calling and cheating is a serious deal breaker for me.

Wokeuptired · 26/07/2023 15:05

Have you got someone who can have the toddler for a day or 2?
I'm also poorly at the moment but not as bad as shingles and if my husband said that to me then when I'm better I would show him arrogant I could be. I'm so angry on your behalf.

NewDogOwner · 26/07/2023 15:10

He is pissed off that you aren't performing your usual service human tasks. This is how he really sees you. I'm so sorry. I don't know how you can get past this.

RosieBurdock · 26/07/2023 15:19

What a rude man. My late dh would never have spoken about me like that. There are kinder men out there!

Blondewithredlips · 26/07/2023 15:29

It would be the end of the marriage for me. Unforgivable. Hope you are ok OP.

Prelapsarianhag · 26/07/2023 15:41

Seriously - ltb.

tattygrl · 26/07/2023 15:56

It gets hard reading so many posts on here where women report the vile, unacceptable things their partners say and do. I get utterly defeated thinking of how many men get away with stuff like this.

OP... there is simply nothing acceptable about the way he's treating you. The way your post title is worded implies that he's generally this way when you're ill, so that this isn't a one-off. Really, really, really think about whether you want to be with this man. This behaviour is extremely horrible. I wouldn't stay with someone who spoke about me like that. It would indicate to me that they fundamentally view me differently to the way I view them (as in, I would never be in a relationship with someone I'd describe as an "arrogant bitch" or equivalent, because I have a base level of respect and care for my loved ones).

Please don't be lulled into thinking this is in any way normal or acceptable.

PoshPineapple · 26/07/2023 16:20

I'm so sorry OP. I am NOT NOT NOT defending his horrible conduct, but just to say I have similar issues with my partner. He's generally a kind, considerate and all round nice guy, but he simply cannot cope with 'bad' things. And like yourself, if I'm unwell or we have a crisis in the family, he simply shuts down and turns into the grumpiest, most unhelpful twat in the whole world. After 29 years together, we've given up trying to figure it out - he knows he's like that but I genuinely don't think even he understands why.

This part really resonated....the thing that hurts most is if he was unwell the first thing I’d do if I saw he wasn’t downstairs is go upstairs and give him a cuddle and ask if he needed anything. Yup, that's me too. We are very, very different people in that respect - I'm a nurturer, he's a stiff upper lipper and let's be terribly British. I probably over nurse if he's ever (rarely) ill and won't leave him alone. He doesn't kick up a fuss if he gets ill - even when he was dreadfully ill with Covid in the first wave, he just retreated into himself and got on with it - he didn't expect anyone to run around after him, certainly doesn't want to be asked every 5 minutes how he's feeling and does he want a drink etc. I guess he expects others to be the same (I'm definitely not - I'd be wailing from my bed "lucozade, lucozade, I'm poorly"!

All of that said, even I'd draw the line at hearing him name-calling me, even under his breath.

Again, I'm sorry and I wish I had an explanation for you. What is he like under 'normal' circumstances? If

Crikeyalmighty · 26/07/2023 16:21

@ManateeFair totally agree.

pinkishlemonade · 26/07/2023 16:43

Op when he said it, did he think only he would hear it or was it meant for you to hear it? Not that it matters, he said what he thought really.

Girliefriendlikespuppies · 26/07/2023 16:56

He hates you?

He's telling you he is a vile, abusive, uncaring arsehole and you really should listen.

TwilightSkies · 26/07/2023 17:10

That’s bloody awful and I’m sure it’s just the tip of the iceberg. He doesn’t care about you at all. Horrible fucker.

I hope you leave him.

Brightandshining · 26/07/2023 17:17

Wtf thats awful!! Honestly I know its easier said than done but id be making plans to leave. That is so deeply messed up that he said that. What a man child. Do you not think it might actually be easier being a single parents if this is the level of support you are getting in your relationship?