Husband's uncle's widow's funeral in distant city

[leli]

I've had a hell of year and I am completely exhausted. DH and I are on holiday next week with planned mooching around on the agenda. My DH's uncle's widow has sadly died. He wants to go to her funeral next week and to stay overnight with his cousin in cousin's distant city. I have never met DH's cousin. I have no problem with DH going, but he wants me to go too. I really don't want to. For history, we do some things separately always and DH has refused to accompany me to a few things I've wanted him to do. It's a genuine AIBU?

In your shoes, I would stay at home.

He will connect with family members and you'll be left sitting there like billynomates.

YANBU. He should go, spend time with his cousin, show his face, but there is no need for you to attend. And I say that as an Irish person who gives way more weight to funeral attendance than most on Mumsnet.

"I'm not going and my decision is final. You're free to go if you'd like."

This is entirely your choice, if your decision is no (and it sounds you have good reason) he should accept that, especially with his track record.

YANBU, but does he want you to go for support, or just to avoid loosing that over night together?

I think you should go.

Somebody has died and your DH wants you there.

I get why you wouldn't want to go but isn't this one of the pillars of being married to somebody?

DH has been wanting me to visit his cousin and the distant city for a while so I guess he thinks it’s an opportunity to make this happen. He enjoyed his aunt in the past when he was a child and I’m glad he’s going but given that at least some other posters don’t think IABU I think I’ll give it a miss. Thanks!

How far away is 'distant'? If only a couple of hours I'd go, if it was another country or you were driving Cornwall to Aberdeen I wouldn't bother.

You've clearly worded this to make it sound like this person is nothing to you or your DH, but "DH's uncle's widow" is DH's aunt.

I think it's perfectly reasonable for your DH to want to mourn the loss of his aunt but he shouldn't expect you to go along.

This tit-for-tat "he didn't come to X so I don't see why I should go to Y" is a symptom of a serious issue in your relationship though and leads to nothing good. Might want to talk to each other openly about the resentment you're quietly harbouring.

@leli
Well OK, you've done a good job writing your OP to make it sound like distant people in a far-flung place, but basically they are your DHs family and if you can't be arsed to accompany your husband to family funerals I don't get the relationship.

Also if this place and cousin are important to him and he has been trying to get your there for a while and you haven't been still, what gives? What's your mental barrier against this place?

Hmm. DH’s sisters aren’t going either. I won’t know anyone. It’s a second marriage for both of us. We both have lots of family obligations - and we both do the big ones together - ie the closest (emotionally), but with 4 children between us and their partners and grand children we have to be a bit selective or we have no time for anything else. DH and I accept that we’re different people. I have a close circle of friends and family that I massively commit to, His circle is wider and shallower, we both agree this. This funeral is borderline for me. He doesn’t need support, he’s not in a state of grief really, more he wants to pay his respects. I just wanted to see if I was getting this really wrong.

So not really a question of “can’t be arsed” I don’t think.

It’s in another of the UK countries, far too far to drive, he’ll want to fly. We’ll have to make arrangements for our dogs.

Surely there would be a more appropriate time to visit?

Seems reasonable to me to say "DH's uncle's widow" because this avoided the question of whether said uncle is still alive. I am sure the DH is a big boy and can manage this occasion by himself.

I didn't go to FIL's funeral mainly because I was weeks post c/section with a breastfed baby, and there was no-one to mind the older two children. Anyway he was a selfish twat when he was alive so didn't feel I was missing anything.

I think it's fine for you not to go. And I know just what you mean about reaching a time of life when it's just too many funerals for you both to go to all of them.

You've clearly worded this to make it sound like this person is nothing to you or your DH, but "DH's uncle's widow" is DH's aunt.

Or perhaps a second wife that her husband doesn't know that well, hence not calling her an aunt?

Anyway - he has company, I'd leave him to it and enjoy a peaceful time at home.

I understand and said that he did have a relationship with his aunt when he was a child.

it’s not really tit for tat in my mind, more that he makes decisions (which I respect) about what he wants or doesn’t want to do and I want to do the same! We have a huge family and we would be busy every weekend if we went to everything.

Also I think DH (who’s in his 70s) is a bit old school, the wife should support husband but it’s not really two ways.

Why do you call her his uncle’s widow rather than his aunt? He’s wanted you to meet this family for a while and you haven’t. They are obviously important to him. You will now never get to meet the aunt, but you can meet the family. Your dh’s family. I think if he’s asked you to go then you should go.

I've never been expected or gone to dh's relatives funerals of people I have never met. I, if course have been to thise I knew.
Same with Dh. He never came to my uncle's funeral ir great aunts funeral. He came to my nans.
We are both OK with our 'rule'

I'd go to the distant city, stay in hotel, and not go to the funeral.
DH goes to funeral, sees his cousin, than you andDH have some time sightseeing.

They have dogs and it's the school holidays. There's very little chance they'll be able to find anyone to look after them.

Don't go OP. It's a funeral of someone you don't know. And while your husband was fond of her, if he's in his 70s, the death of his aunt can hardly be a shock.

We never go to each others relatives funerals, can't see the point if you don't really know them as you would have to falsely look sad.

I find it a bit strange not to be interested in your DH's cousin, nor in his aunt's funeral. That isn't a way of running a relationship that I'd be ok with. Sounds like you're also not ok with your DH's way of living the relationship either. Why are you together, if supporting each other isn't of interest?

From what OP says it's not a case of 'wanting support' at a relatives funeral. He wants his wife to accompany him because he thinks it's the 'done thing'. It would be a no from me so I think you are absolutely fine to decline.

Enjoy a couple of days doing your own thing and looking after the dogs OP

Why does the dh need "support"?
I'm baffled. He wasn't close, isn't grieving - he's paying his respects.
It's really common in my family for individuals to attend funerals. Particularly when the connection is more distant.

DH has a very large family a big distance away. I have been to funerals when it’s worked out and missed others when it hasn’t.
I’ve had some grief from his family when I’ve missed some but these are people who take a half day from work to attend, for me it’s several days and not always good for work. The nature of living a long distance away is this is what happens.
DH used to push me more to go to them until he got grief for missing one in the middle of the pandemic, when you couldn’t travel or even go into the funeral or stay in hotels.