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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is my teen too young for sleepovers with her boyfriend?

39 replies

thoughtsonapostcardplease · 25/07/2023 08:07

My 17 year old daughter has been in a relationship with an 18 year old boy for several months now. It's a loving and respectful relationship and they see each other most days. He boards at a school near where we live - or at least did until the holiday - but goes home on weekends too. He actually doesn't live that far away, but loves the boarding life. He's a really nice boy.

The two of them are very sensible, in general, but also when it comes to sex. They haven't actually done it yet, as my daughter doesn't feel quite ready (he would be her first, and he has had one girlfriend before her). I'm certain this is actually the case, as we have a fairly open and honest relationship, and I'm pretty sure she'd tell me!

Last night she asked (begged) if she could stay over at his. They're at that age where they still stay up all night watching films, etc. We had a chat - again - about being careful. And I let her go.

I still don't know if I did the right thing. She was so happy as she set off. She is usually quite a serious, anxious girl but this relationship really seems to have been good for her.

I'm a single parent so don't have a partner to run this by. What are your thoughts please.

OP posts:
fgsstopbs · 25/07/2023 08:10

Your daughter is nearly an adult so you definitely did the right thing letting her go. You said she is a sensible young lady so I wouldn't worry.

Original poster
thoughtsonapostcardplease · 25/07/2023 08:10

Just to add, last night was their first sleepover. I usually have them over here for their meets, but would be unable to host a sleepover due to my daughter sharing a room with her younger sister.

OP posts:
JorisBonson · 25/07/2023 08:11

I thought you were going to say she was 13! I moved out of home when I was 17. She is basically an adult.

Original poster
thoughtsonapostcardplease · 25/07/2023 08:11

fgsstopbs · 25/07/2023 08:10

Your daughter is nearly an adult so you definitely did the right thing letting her go. You said she is a sensible young lady so I wouldn't worry.

Thanks!

OP posts:
ModerationInEverything · 25/07/2023 08:11

I think you did the right thing. At 17 it's about supporting her transition into adulthood. Sounds like you have a lovely relationship.

Original poster
thoughtsonapostcardplease · 25/07/2023 08:12

JorisBonson · 25/07/2023 08:11

I thought you were going to say she was 13! I moved out of home when I was 17. She is basically an adult.

Aah, ok. I feel a bit silly now. It's so hard for me to see the wood for the trees sometimes. I think it comes of being on your own and sometimes doubting your own judgement.

OP posts:
Somewhereovertherainbowweighapie · 25/07/2023 08:12

Yes that’s fine. But don’t just talk to her about being careful, you buy her condoms and consider taking her to the dr for contraception. But she is old enough to make these decisions now.

janeyredlion · 25/07/2023 08:13

You present as a loving and caring parent, and it's great that she is open with you, but she is nearly an adult - you can only advise and support now, you did the right thing giving her your blessing but I don't think permission is something you can expect her to need at her age

PinkFrogss · 25/07/2023 08:13

I mean she can’t be that far off being an adult herself surely? I think the idea of letting her go is quite funny. I mean how would you have stopped her?

If she’s off to uni soon or planning to move out you really need to let her be more independent otherwise she’ll struggle.

Original poster
thoughtsonapostcardplease · 25/07/2023 08:13

ModerationInEverything · 25/07/2023 08:11

I think you did the right thing. At 17 it's about supporting her transition into adulthood. Sounds like you have a lovely relationship.

It has been fraught at times, our relationship! But yes, it is really good at the moment. Thank you Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
thoughtsonapostcardplease · 25/07/2023 08:14

PinkFrogss · 25/07/2023 08:13

I mean she can’t be that far off being an adult herself surely? I think the idea of letting her go is quite funny. I mean how would you have stopped her?

If she’s off to uni soon or planning to move out you really need to let her be more independent otherwise she’ll struggle.

She's super independent. But the sleepover thing is a new one for me.

OP posts:
Original poster
thoughtsonapostcardplease · 25/07/2023 08:15

Somewhereovertherainbowweighapie · 25/07/2023 08:12

Yes that’s fine. But don’t just talk to her about being careful, you buy her condoms and consider taking her to the dr for contraception. But she is old enough to make these decisions now.

Good advice, thanks.

OP posts:
Flisss · 25/07/2023 08:17

Shes pretty much an adult. I think it's time to leave her to it with all of her choices.

Mindymomo · 25/07/2023 08:18

It’s lovely that you have such an open relationship with your DD. Of course it’s normal to wonder if you’ve done the right thing. A friend told me once, if I didn’t let them stay over, they would go somewhere else. When my DS had his first GF at 16, he assumed he would be staying over at her house regularly, as friends, she was a bit younger. He never slept there in over 3 years.

Fififafa · 25/07/2023 08:19

She’s almost an adult, so whilst it’s difficult now is the time to be giving her more responsibility for her own actions, whilst still guiding her. This includes how she handles sex and relationships. Is she planning to go to university? She needs to be equipped before she leaves home, where she’ll be faced with all sorts of decisions that she’ll
need to handle herself.

NeverThatSerious · 25/07/2023 08:22

She’s pretty much an adult, and obviously over the age of consent, so really, it’s not exactly up to you anymore but I think it’s lovely you have such a close and open relationship. I second giving her condoms anyway, and discussing long term contraception.. it only takes once, when you decide you’re ready, to get carried away!

AnSolas · 25/07/2023 08:24

You know it is not a sleepover.

So she has decided to have sex
The heading should be
Is my teen too young for sex with her boyfriend

Acting as if she could only be watching movies is not the best way to communicate if she is making adult decisions you need to be comfortable with having conversations around them.

You feel you have done great so far in getting her in a position to make good decisions, remind yourself of that now she is old enough to make the decisions.

Original poster
thoughtsonapostcardplease · 25/07/2023 08:28

AnSolas · 25/07/2023 08:24

You know it is not a sleepover.

So she has decided to have sex
The heading should be
Is my teen too young for sex with her boyfriend

Acting as if she could only be watching movies is not the best way to communicate if she is making adult decisions you need to be comfortable with having conversations around them.

You feel you have done great so far in getting her in a position to make good decisions, remind yourself of that now she is old enough to make the decisions.

Trust me, last night would have been movie watching and snogging! She suffers from crippling periods and has hers currently.
Please don't think I object to them having sex, or am in denial. I can't think of a better situation for her first time, if that makes sense.

I will speak to her about going to the doc for contraception. If the GP should give her something that also helps with her period, she may also see this as a bonus!

OP posts:
DogsDryWineAndCheese · 25/07/2023 08:29

I’m surprised at 17 she had to ask, let alone beg you, to go anywhere.
Absolutely you did the right thing and you need to start allowing her to be the practical adult she is.

Hoppinggreen · 25/07/2023 08:32

thoughtsonapostcardplease · 25/07/2023 08:12

Aah, ok. I feel a bit silly now. It's so hard for me to see the wood for the trees sometimes. I think it comes of being on your own and sometimes doubting your own judgement.

Show quote history

You haven’t been silly at all, please don’t think that.
I think you have been very sensible and helped your daughter navigate a developing relationship at a difficult age so please ignore anyone who tells you otherwise.

Lwrenagain · 25/07/2023 08:41

You absolutely bossed it! Such a lovely relationship you have 💖

Original poster
thoughtsonapostcardplease · 25/07/2023 08:44

Lwrenagain · 25/07/2023 08:41

You absolutely bossed it! Such a lovely relationship you have 💖

Thanks so much! Trust me, it's not often I feel that way Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
thoughtsonapostcardplease · 25/07/2023 08:45

Thanks everyone - really appreciate it.

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 25/07/2023 08:46

Somewhereovertherainbowweighapie · 25/07/2023 08:12

Yes that’s fine. But don’t just talk to her about being careful, you buy her condoms and consider taking her to the dr for contraception. But she is old enough to make these decisions now.

A 17yr old is old enough to take themselves to the Dr.

Hoppinggreen · 25/07/2023 08:57

pinkyredrose · 25/07/2023 08:46

A 17yr old is old enough to take themselves to the Dr.

Show quote history

Some are, mine wasn’t