Sorry in advance for a very long post, ignore the spelling and ramblings. If no one responds I understand as think I’ve wrote a book.
I wish I wasn’t writing this, I wish I had that relationship with my boyfriends mother. I wanted it from the start, I’ve always struggled to form friendships but always wanted that most in life, to be liked by others and I’d be nice to anyone any stranger because I care so much what others think. I’m scared to be in a fight, to say no, avoid confrontation. I know I’m probably weak and shouldn’t care at all. I had friends in school to then later be told by former teacher, they were bullying and using me. I also when first started school, bullied by a 10 year old boy. Then left school and high school more bullying started. I now know some of it is due to my Autism struggling to fit in and the anxiety in that too.
I finally found someone, after thinking no one would ever date me (sounds sad) but all the bullying through the years.
about looks too. I’ve now been dating my BF now for about 3 years. It’s been long distance. He was living at home. I met his mum a handful of times. The convo didn’t last more than 5 mins.
I then eventually got in about my anxiety at a family party, whilst being in kitchen at our house.
Just to let her know I struggled with that. For silence to come and she never said anything on that.
During pregnancy, I never seen her or really heard from her. Other than her wishing me well through my boyfriend. Nothing after scans or any texts or after the pregnancy scares. Often when I’d go home to see my family 3 hours away. She would visit him and come for dinner at his. I then tried to invite her but she never. This continued through pregnancy. Not once seen by me. I could’ve visited her people would say, I was struggling with sickness and after a lot of travel time, I just wanted to stay at his and after rejection of inviting her once or twice. I gave up.
Once baby was born, I have got to see how she is more but unfortunately not by effort of her wanting to get to know each other and sit down and speak. That would be ideal because I still hardly know her. I had a quick labour with complication, which resulted in theatre. Then adapting to motherhood and Autism coming in. Of all change. I first remember her coming to pick us up a week or so after birth and recovering, when I felt my worst. No sleep, , trying to get through breastfeeding. The pain. The sensory aspect. Everything midwifes. Breastfeeding team, health visitor. Health conditions (I struggle with physical stuff due to arthritis and takes me a while to get over things) his mum and auntie. gave 10 mins notice that they were nearby. I rushed. I felt emotional, everything was going on and my hormones. They picked us up in car that had heating, there was 4 of us in the car too but eventually told few weeks later. “I was worried about her cold feet all night by aunt” This was because I just had sleepsuit, vest and hat (did cover feet. But wasn’t enough to them in winter month. Since then my mum said it was a car full and heating was on. If she was that concerned she could have mentioned at time. It got to me because I felt I already failed. Since then been paranoid about how much baby wears.
I also had got so worked up about flu/colds on the lead up because of my immune/health issues but even more so worrying about baby. His family visited with cold the first time and then weeks later aunt with tonsillitis. I told him could people not visit when unwell, because of baby. (I know she’ll be exposed and needs that but I just didn’t want another thing to) there was another time I was catching up on sleep, then they came round to see baby. I felt after the way they had been to avoid them but showed face as didn’t want to be rude. I came out of bedroom and I was overwhelmed and said “I’m so exhausted, she hasn’t stopped crying” (lack of sleep and convo but I think I looked close to tears, shattered and both of them just looked at each other and never said anything for a minute or two.
I could sense judgement.
The other time was when we were going out as she lives less than 10 mins away in taxi. Something had happened in taxi (not major but enough for me to say I don’t feel comfortable and got upset) I was crying when I went into hers. She never said anything to comfort me or done anything so sat on her couch trying to get myself over it quick and even said to BF lets get a bus because the thought of sitting, It felt awkward.
anyway since baby has been born, she wants to have baby for hours. She’d easily have her all day, for a sleepover but I breastfeed, well combo. I can send baby for few hours but not overdo it. She constantly tries for more hours, ie at start I’d say to my BF can you phone as I am missing her and need to do breast, as she had her for 4 hours and I never liked going over that mark. She’d then bottle feed baby, or be at shops so it would be longer. I always like to do breast first especially after any long periods. Each day she’d then ask to have her. I’d feel upset each time I let her go. Feeling lost but knew that if I didn’t the comments they’d make. I then thought eventually people will say “you need to get use to it” Baby is now 7 months and I am caught because I feel like well they know where we live, why do I need to send her. I will probably only do this once. (Never thought I’d manage to have my own family) To if I don’t then the grandmother and his side will probably not be happy and to others (yous here) you might go you can’t deny or be selfish.
lately because I have not been sending her away because I have no family here of my own and no know no one. I have had them sometimes visit and go “oh we’re strangers” strange faces” to the baby and little digs from his mum and auntie, “let her go to this” ie one example was them talking about a party that I did not know about, family member and saying “oh you’ll need to let her go to the party” I thought I have no idea who they mean, no one invited me but they meant that they’d take baby. I then felt guility as the day then came and I didn’t send her with them. So they were probably digging at me more. They visit if I don’t send her within week. Then go partner of mother: “thought she’d be walking it’s been that long” They only visit if boyfriend is here which is fine by me but it’s sometimes very last min (here I am kind of thing) he wanted his mum to have spare key but I have said not keen due to this showing up! (
Baby apparently cries everytime she goes and struggles to settle for first 10 mins at his mums, yet they have said its strange faces etc. yet everyone strangers tell me baby is content when they see her. She does not cry at my family not seen them in months! But they make comments about “you don’t want her to be crying faced..” confused as the amount or people that say opposite
Each day I still get asked if would like to send her to hers. I feel guility and the pressure because boyfriend is happy when I say yes, his mum is too. But it’s not like she comes to collect baby before going to hers. It’s her partner who says hello or makes comment if been a while (oh are we strangers) then they take baby for few hours. If I say no which I have been I then start to feel because then can feel judgement, and the comment start
On one hand she buys baby something every week. She wants to spend time which should feel greatful for, when I was being monitored at hosp at 35 weeks where was text? I don’t have my family 5-10 mins to hand, and she knows I have difficulties, away from my family is difficult but hasn’t thought to get to know me.
i’ve sat down at table for her to then go out for a fag! She isn’t interested. Ideally I’d say come over to mine while BF is out, have a coffee and see baby and me but it wouldn’t:(
his fam have digs about sending away, holding baby too much. Yet the sisters comes still drop off shopping, she keeps buying stuff for our house, bath mats, curtains, lamps, each month there is something she has picked up of her taste or to his (grey boyish) Would do Boyfriend washing if she had chance as did in pregnancy. Wants to cook. She is always to hand in one way…ideally to her it would just be him and baby.
i feel guilty if I send her but guilty if I don’t. She’s 7 months.
Thanks everyone (if still reading lol)