AIBU for not wanting to send baby away to MIL

[Rantspants]

Sorry in advance for a very long post, ignore the spelling and ramblings. If no one responds I understand as think I’ve wrote a book.

I wish I wasn’t writing this, I wish I had that relationship with my boyfriends mother. I wanted it from the start, I’ve always struggled to form friendships but always wanted that most in life, to be liked by others and I’d be nice to anyone any stranger because I care so much what others think. I’m scared to be in a fight, to say no, avoid confrontation. I know I’m probably weak and shouldn’t care at all. I had friends in school to then later be told by former teacher, they were bullying and using me. I also when first started school, bullied by a 10 year old boy. Then left school and high school more bullying started. I now know some of it is due to my Autism struggling to fit in and the anxiety in that too.

I finally found someone, after thinking no one would ever date me (sounds sad) but all the bullying through the years.
about looks too. I’ve now been dating my BF now for about 3 years. It’s been long distance. He was living at home. I met his mum a handful of times. The convo didn’t last more than 5 mins.
I then eventually got in about my anxiety at a family party, whilst being in kitchen at our house.
Just to let her know I struggled with that. For silence to come and she never said anything on that.

During pregnancy, I never seen her or really heard from her. Other than her wishing me well through my boyfriend. Nothing after scans or any texts or after the pregnancy scares. Often when I’d go home to see my family 3 hours away. She would visit him and come for dinner at his. I then tried to invite her but she never. This continued through pregnancy. Not once seen by me. I could’ve visited her people would say, I was struggling with sickness and after a lot of travel time, I just wanted to stay at his and after rejection of inviting her once or twice. I gave up.

Once baby was born, I have got to see how she is more but unfortunately not by effort of her wanting to get to know each other and sit down and speak. That would be ideal because I still hardly know her. I had a quick labour with complication, which resulted in theatre. Then adapting to motherhood and Autism coming in. Of all change. I first remember her coming to pick us up a week or so after birth and recovering, when I felt my worst. No sleep, , trying to get through breastfeeding. The pain. The sensory aspect. Everything midwifes. Breastfeeding team, health visitor. Health conditions (I struggle with physical stuff due to arthritis and takes me a while to get over things) his mum and auntie. gave 10 mins notice that they were nearby. I rushed. I felt emotional, everything was going on and my hormones. They picked us up in car that had heating, there was 4 of us in the car too but eventually told few weeks later. “I was worried about her cold feet all night by aunt” This was because I just had sleepsuit, vest and hat (did cover feet. But wasn’t enough to them in winter month. Since then my mum said it was a car full and heating was on. If she was that concerned she could have mentioned at time. It got to me because I felt I already failed. Since then been paranoid about how much baby wears.

I also had got so worked up about flu/colds on the lead up because of my immune/health issues but even more so worrying about baby. His family visited with cold the first time and then weeks later aunt with tonsillitis. I told him could people not visit when unwell, because of baby. (I know she’ll be exposed and needs that but I just didn’t want another thing to) there was another time I was catching up on sleep, then they came round to see baby. I felt after the way they had been to avoid them but showed face as didn’t want to be rude. I came out of bedroom and I was overwhelmed and said “I’m so exhausted, she hasn’t stopped crying” (lack of sleep and convo but I think I looked close to tears, shattered and both of them just looked at each other and never said anything for a minute or two.
I could sense judgement.

The other time was when we were going out as she lives less than 10 mins away in taxi. Something had happened in taxi (not major but enough for me to say I don’t feel comfortable and got upset) I was crying when I went into hers. She never said anything to comfort me or done anything so sat on her couch trying to get myself over it quick and even said to BF lets get a bus because the thought of sitting, It felt awkward.

anyway since baby has been born, she wants to have baby for hours. She’d easily have her all day, for a sleepover but I breastfeed, well combo. I can send baby for few hours but not overdo it. She constantly tries for more hours, ie at start I’d say to my BF can you phone as I am missing her and need to do breast, as she had her for 4 hours and I never liked going over that mark. She’d then bottle feed baby, or be at shops so it would be longer. I always like to do breast first especially after any long periods. Each day she’d then ask to have her. I’d feel upset each time I let her go. Feeling lost but knew that if I didn’t the comments they’d make. I then thought eventually people will say “you need to get use to it” Baby is now 7 months and I am caught because I feel like well they know where we live, why do I need to send her. I will probably only do this once. (Never thought I’d manage to have my own family) To if I don’t then the grandmother and his side will probably not be happy and to others (yous here) you might go you can’t deny or be selfish.

lately because I have not been sending her away because I have no family here of my own and no know no one. I have had them sometimes visit and go “oh we’re strangers” strange faces” to the baby and little digs from his mum and auntie, “let her go to this” ie one example was them talking about a party that I did not know about, family member and saying “oh you’ll need to let her go to the party” I thought I have no idea who they mean, no one invited me but they meant that they’d take baby. I then felt guility as the day then came and I didn’t send her with them. So they were probably digging at me more. They visit if I don’t send her within week. Then go partner of mother: “thought she’d be walking it’s been that long” They only visit if boyfriend is here which is fine by me but it’s sometimes very last min (here I am kind of thing) he wanted his mum to have spare key but I have said not keen due to this showing up! (
Baby apparently cries everytime she goes and struggles to settle for first 10 mins at his mums, yet they have said its strange faces etc. yet everyone strangers tell me baby is content when they see her. She does not cry at my family not seen them in months! But they make comments about “you don’t want her to be crying faced..” confused as the amount or people that say opposite

Each day I still get asked if would like to send her to hers. I feel guility and the pressure because boyfriend is happy when I say yes, his mum is too. But it’s not like she comes to collect baby before going to hers. It’s her partner who says hello or makes comment if been a while (oh are we strangers) then they take baby for few hours. If I say no which I have been I then start to feel because then can feel judgement, and the comment start
On one hand she buys baby something every week. She wants to spend time which should feel greatful for, when I was being monitored at hosp at 35 weeks where was text? I don’t have my family 5-10 mins to hand, and she knows I have difficulties, away from my family is difficult but hasn’t thought to get to know me.
i’ve sat down at table for her to then go out for a fag! She isn’t interested. Ideally I’d say come over to mine while BF is out, have a coffee and see baby and me but it wouldn’t:(

his fam have digs about sending away, holding baby too much. Yet the sisters comes still drop off shopping, she keeps buying stuff for our house, bath mats, curtains, lamps, each month there is something she has picked up of her taste or to his (grey boyish) Would do Boyfriend washing if she had chance as did in pregnancy. Wants to cook. She is always to hand in one way…ideally to her it would just be him and baby.

i feel guilty if I send her but guilty if I don’t. She’s 7 months.
Thanks everyone (if still reading lol)

And what about your work? Why are you the one making all the sacrifices? You need to learn to stand up for yourself, I’d strongly suggest some therapy to help with that.
His mother is a twat by the way, a nasty, selfish twat, so stop caring so much about pleasing her, it’s clear she has no respect for you.

Unfortunately op it was awful.
Are you able to stay with your mum for a bit then.
Ruined my firsts experience.
Second time around we didn't tell them.

Unfortunately it sounds like there is never going to be a close relationship between you and your MIL, but she is your babies grandmother and I think it is good for children to have a good relationship with their grandparents so it is a difficult one. I think working out a pattern of visits that works for you all my might be the way to go. Maybe one weekend MIL is invited to yours for a few hours and the next weekend your bf takes her to MIL's for a morning, then repeat, obviously it could be any pattern that suits you all but if it was a regular thing you would all know what was coming up and be prepared for it.

When you're through this first mad year or so with the baby, can you start making longer term plans to move? It's always going to be an problem with her so close, and there's no reason to be living closer to his parents than yours. Do a couple of years there then draw a line and settle somewhere further from here, so you're there for schools etc and you can create your own life without all these unnecessary stresses. He'll probably find it easier to quit smoking too, getting a fresh start instead of continuing in son/child mode around his mum.

I’ll maybe be judged but gave up work as things got worse after COVID. I have 10 health conditions which finding each difficult to manage that see regular psychiatrist and health people.

i wish i could get more therapy as would love confidence and assertiveness (hope thats spelt right and what i’m needing)
went off topic i guess with me not having job I never wanted him to leave his and be in worse situation. I also hoped moving away would be fresh start from all bad experiences :(

thank you btw x

I find it so weird when GPS demand all this time alone with a baby. Offer to take baby occasionally so mum and dad can have a date or get something done, sure, but this sounds almost like another parent demanding contact with their child!

Op, you are not alone.
Any first time mum is at her most vulnerable and most people try and keep the peace and are not confrontational.

Unfortunately when you have a mil and sil combination like you have....

Thanks everyone so far, some I haven’t replied to struggling to type due to hand pain.

Unfortunately boyfriend doesn’t want to move away. I know that will seem bad, in past we have had fall outs about that. Whether it will cause another fall out in future I worry. It will either go one way or other. I hope though I will get use to living here..that maybe I’ll eventually make some friends here! And it will become home for daughter sake and I hope its a good one at that or as best as i can

Do you think maybe your feelings about the area and lack of friends could be sorted by sorting out this trouble with the in laws? If it's affecting your confidence/mental health (understandable) then it's putting you in a bad spot to be putting yourself out there, iyswim.

Have you tried local mum and baby groups? Even if you make more acquaintances than friends, getting regular adult interaction outside your BF's family bubble could help you a lot.

I wouldn’t judge you for not working, but it does worry me that you’re potentially more vulnerable, seeing as you and your partner aren’t married. Do you have enough money to support yourself if you need to?

Can you afford more therapy? If not, I’d bet there are some good YouTube videos or other sources that could coach you into finding your assertiveness. All I’d say to remember, is it’s very hard to respect someone who lets you walk all over them, and if you don’t respect someone, you can’t really love them. I do understand that desire to be liked, but you can be kind and empathetic whilst still respecting yourself. x

Hmm. That doesn't sound good at all for the long-term. DP who won't listen to you, puts himself and his mum first, he holds all the cards because you're not married and don't work and are tied down with the baby. I don't know what you can do about the bigger issue because that all seems pretty intractable if you're not willing to rock the boat or make yourself more independent, but on this specific issue, it feels like you have to be strong and stick to your guns or it'll be a pattern of caving into her that will repeat and make you very unhappy.

Yes. This.

I don’t think we’re suggesting you move with him. Just you and the baby. Run. And save yourselves from the controlling and manipulative behaviour of your boyfriend and his ghastly family.

When I was a new mum dealing with difficult family relations a nice midwife told me to think of the family tree as a literal tree. We grow up with our attention either on ourself or looking up to the branches. When we have our own child we need to stop looking up and focus our gaze down, because we've just shifted up a level and our baby is looking to us. This is a challenge for some of us, just as it is for some of the ones who get pushed out of Parent slot to Grandparent...

Look down. Shut the noise from above out and do it your way. You will make mistakes because every single one of us does. You cannot be a mother without making mistakes, so learn and move on. No need to feel guilty. But remember there are millions of babies born all over the world every day into different families, different family situations and in wildly different cultures. What exactly is a mistake when there are so many different ways of doing things and the vaaaaaast majority of babies grow into decent humans? Trust your gut instinct, go with what you want. Even if someone else thinks it's wrong. Because there will always be someone who does!

You've got this. You're a normal mum and you can do this just fine.

Stop looking up, look down.

Also, re the guilt, notice it but don't waste your energy on it. If you feel guilty feelings coming, give your baby another cuddle, because that's what babies need, not their mums feeling guilty about things they don't need to feel guilty about.

Honestly, YANBU. Whatever you feel is the way to go. You're the mother now.

There are lots of restrictions about becoming a parent but an area of freedom can be realising that you're the one in charge now.

That's ok. Move without him. He can come if he wants.

He's not a support to you. Go and live somewhere you have support.

You do not have to give her to your mil at any time. This is your child, not hers. Tell her no. She should not be in a smoker’s home. If they start making digs, tell them they’re being ridiculous. They do this to make you feel bad so ignore their stupidity.

Have a look into what baby groups there are in your area - many will have stopped over the summer, but plan to go to some when they restart in September. You can use that as an excuse to change the pattern of going to mil's so often; it's time for DC to start going to things where they will see other babies and toddlers. (Actually, it's more that you need to go to the groups and find some other mums to talk to, but you don't need to say that.)

This is your baby, not mil's. She should be with you. You seem to be being treated as little more than a surrogate.

Also talk to your health visitor - it sounds like you need a bit of support to stand up to the in-laws and have confidence in yourself, and the HV may be able to help with that, or signpost you to help. They should at least be able to signpost you to some groups, and it might be easier to argue for going to groups/not being in a smoker's house, etc if you can say it's advice from the HV.

@Rantspants on a different note - your phone will probably have a function to narrate to it and it will type. Might just be on keyboard or might be in accessibility settings. Look for a little microphone.

might need a few corrections but helps me.

speak slower if you have a strong accent. ;)

you MIL does not need time with baby. Unless you need a break! She’s your baby. Gran can have more time with her later.

and messing up BFeeding schedules is a complete pain and makes it harder for mums. Anyone feeding my child bottles when she’s due back for a feed would
not be trusted with her again.

just explain you miss baby when she’s gone and would prefer less time away from her. It’s not a suggestion. It’s what you are doing.

what’s the worse that will happen? MIL won’t be your friend? She won’t speak to you or invite you round? No change there then.

if you don’t stand up for yourself how @Rantspants you never will have happiness in this relationship with MIL involved all the time for the rest of her life.

Hi @Rantspants so I skimread this as it's long.

But got to the bit where I saw the the grandmother smokes. No way would my child be going there.

Also they need to respect the breastfeeding.

Also I'd worry that these relatives are not going to be attentive or active enough when baby starts crawling to keep baby safe

Don’t send her don’t feel guilty
your baby do what you want
if you want your baby then have her, if they want a baby then they had their time, or they can find a solution to having another baby.
i certainly wouldn’t be arsed about the feelings of someone who is passive aggressive to me and had no interest in even just a polite relationship with me.

also it’s not achieving anything is it. You send her they still don’t like you and it’s still not enough time. May as well just do what you want.

say it doesn’t work for you when they ask for the baby
tell them you’ll tell them when’s a good time
and then ignore them if they keep asking.

This sounds hellish. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Talk to your health visitor - she may give you advice on being a Mum with autism and some groups or other Mums to connect with.

Join some baby groups, sometimes the church ones are good - lovely ladies that make you a cuppa and chat.

Baby classes - " oh sorry MIL, we're busy today as we're going to Bany sensory/rhyme time in the library"

Make Mum friends - you'll meet people at the above groups. Some Mums used to trundle down to the coffee shop after rhyme time and you get to know the ones who are nice.

Next time you're in with your GP mention that you're struggling with this pushy Mil, even if it goes on your notes it might be useful in the future.

Definitely stay with family and invite them over too.

A few comments about smoking to DH, on top of "for God's sake wiill you back me up?'" Wouldn't go amiss. You really need him on side. I'm sure MIL would love you guys to spilt up but if he's a good guy (maybe lacking backbone) try to make it work.

Every time she asks say either:

I can't because we have a baby group

I can't because we're doing something

You're welcome to pop over when we go for a walk into town/to the park etc

Oh my Mum/friend etc is coming over today to see the baby...

Honestly try all of the above and get braver. Your baby needs you to be strong and it will make your LO stronger too.

Good luck

Thanks everyone for all the responses, read them all and felt backed by everyone which I’ve not really had that backing becoming a FTM.
This will sound awful, but due to the way she treats me, I don’t want my daughter to ever make someone feel excluded or like is she not worthy. I have felt like I have had second parenting from her trying to mother my child, although she is grandmother ideally it would have been better if she made that effort and welcome feel, but she just does this with child. I am glad of that but at same time. I worry if we ever split or if something ever happened to me, is there a way I could prevent access to them as she is always keen to have her constantly and would everyday if she could. I hope none above ever happens but the thought..