to not understand the concept of masking

[tattooedteagal]

I'm trying to understand better due to my son's autism, but the notion of masking ADHD or autism doesn't make a lot of sense to me. Surely if you understand social cues enough to put on a convincing facade throughout your childhood or adulthood, it contradicts one of the core definitions of autism. Feel free to correct me. I'm not saying I'm right (I'm probably wrong) I'm just struggling to understand.

I have ADHD and it was picked up on when I was 14 so I'm obviously crap at masking. It's caused me a lot of issues and I don't want to gatekeep ADHD, but it annoys me when people think they might have it because they get irritated at slow drivers or have a clutter drawer in their house.

Hi @fernfriend

https://eprints.whiterose.ac.uk/183792/

This is an excellent recent (2022) bit of edpsych research with important practical applications and great recommendations. Definitely share it with school. Good luck!

Thank you

You've just described my sisters and I!
I'm the only one with a diagnosis though, ADHD.
I suspect there's a lot more going on!

@fernfriend im not sure it’s public access yet, but there’s a good summary and it might be published elsewhere.

Thanks. I've managed to access it through my university.

@Gruffling I'm not suggesting it's not real. I'm trying to understand it better. For me, my ADHD has impacted my life significantly. I couldn't finish sixth form/A Levels. I job hopped throughout my twenties. Having children helped me become more organised, but I still struggle to remember important stuff. I still lose stuff and forget important dates (even after writing it down). I don't drive places I'd like to go or brave the motorway because I worry about my concentration. Friends who now proclaim to have ADHD or autism, but say they've been masking for years, confuse(d) me somewhat (not so much after reading this thread). I didn't want to invalidate their diagnoses, but it did baffle me.

@Gerrataere totally agree with you. We should not have to feel like frauds and have our experiencea minimised as trivial by people who can't understand just because we 'seem' to be able to communicate 'typically'. It's what's going on underneath that kills us.
Ignorant people need to be educated and correctes in their assumptions.

Totally agree too.
To other people I probably look just like anyone else. I mask when I have to talk to doctors or teachers but I cannot hold down a job.
I had a fun day out with the kids and it knocked me out for 2 days. I literally could not function.

I saw this on Facebook that explains 'high functioning' is only to do with IQ

@WanderingWitches thankyou for this graphic, have saved it and will send/post it up for anyone who needs to see it!
I too appear eloquent and 'tough' if needs be and come across as loud and confident at times. This is a mask, and it is always with an exaggerated accent from my hometown. Even 'winning' an argument/confrontation irl, the unmasked me will spend a full week replaying every word said either side, replaying the images of everyone's actions. I will always have a meltdown within 2 days of an altercation and need 2 weeks of minimal speaking to anyone afterwards.
I wonder what unmasked me would do at the confrontation to avoid the inevitable aftermath later?
What would NT people prefer I wonder?

for clarity, the preoccupation with the previous events would take up most of my waking days, preventing me from focus on anything else at all. This is not a trivial thing.
Masking is hell.

Yes! That’s what I don’t understand about masking. Someone must have made those rules up! Who decided you must have the right amount of eye contact, you must ask someone about their weekend, you must be honest but not too direct? They’re just rules that someone invented and everyone has to fit in. We should embrace difference more.

It’s like someone invented that men shouldn’t wear dresses and woman shouldn’t be aggressive, and all the other sexual stereotyping rules. Who decided this? Why is it up to them?

If a wider range of behaviours and ways of presenting to the world were more socially acceptable, I bet a lot of people would be happier. We have way too narrow an opinion of what normal is.

I’m ethnically Jewish and have a sibling with an Asperger’s diagnosis. They are really upset about being told by non Jewish people that they can’t say the name of their diagnosis anymore. I think it’s been quite a disempowering thing for them because they can’t quite get their head around calling it something else.

We have a sweet friend who's autistic and whenever we meet for coffee or drinks she basically interviews us. There's a series of questions she works through to structure conversations. What films have you seen recently? Who have you met up with this week? I'm convinced this is a form of masking to help her manage social interactions, and it seems to serve her well.

It definitely will be
I do something similar. I have a list of things to ask certain people.

@JFDIYOLO yes this is masking. I have stock phrases for ending conversations too 🤣

This is really interesting. I have recently found out that most people I work with are neuro deviant but they all seem normal to me so then that makes you question your own self. Are they masking or could I be masking if they seem normal but are ND. Or is ND the norm in my industry. It certainly is exhausting being around people whatever they are like. I think that is why we need our daily dose of alone time and sleep time to re-charge our social batteries.

Neuro deviant? Haven't heard that one before.

"Deviant"

We have way too narrow an opinion of what normal is.

But I think a lot of it is subconscious - either that or a lot of people aren't nice. I'm ND and people pretend not to see me when I bump into them, have had very very few and far between friends and probably not a bestie ever.
I honestly have no clue what it is I do wrong but I do find looking someone in the eye and talking at the same time difficult and uncomfortable - I imagine that puts people off.

neurodiverse or divergent
neurodeviant is a bit much I mean, I know my son is no but come on!

Oh god I do this at family gatherings when things go quiet, I always thing smugly how well I'm covering up my social awkwardness by keeping the conversation going 😂

Me too 🙈. I really hate to think what people must think of me.

I rehearse questions before I go too...