to not understand the concept of masking

[tattooedteagal]

I'm trying to understand better due to my son's autism, but the notion of masking ADHD or autism doesn't make a lot of sense to me. Surely if you understand social cues enough to put on a convincing facade throughout your childhood or adulthood, it contradicts one of the core definitions of autism. Feel free to correct me. I'm not saying I'm right (I'm probably wrong) I'm just struggling to understand.

I have ADHD and it was picked up on when I was 14 so I'm obviously crap at masking. It's caused me a lot of issues and I don't want to gatekeep ADHD, but it annoys me when people think they might have it because they get irritated at slow drivers or have a clutter drawer in their house.

It’s a mask. If you know you are not behaving I a socially acceptable way due to peoples reaction you mimic those around you. It must be exhausting. You respond to social cues but not in an instinctive way. It like using Google translate all day

I must admit, I'm not a fan of the term masking either. My DD is autistic and I feel the term indicates that the 'real' person is the one who is having a meltdown/shutdown and that any other time, she is covering it up. It's not like that. The meltdown is due to being overwhelmed.
I'm not sure on what term I'd prefer, but to me, masking is having to work really hard to fit in. This in itself is exhausting.

A lot of ND people know they're not NT but watch what the NTs do and try to do that.
Passing as "normal" when you aren't takes a lot of headspace and energy, and often means ND people fall apart a bit when they don't need to pretend. Being able to be your full self all the time with accommodation for your divergence alongside acceptance that some things are difficult for you is much better than holding it in most of the time and letting it all out privately.

Actually not masking would likely lead to less meltdowns. Its not masking vs meltdowns.

An autsitic person ideally would have an environment and support so that triggers are minimised and meltdowns are infrequent. Meltdowns are like the crisis point so ideally we don't want to reach crisis.

Masking is about fitting in with people. Neurowilde has some brilliant graphics about autism I could dig out this evening. When an autistic person is having a conversation they may be hyperaware of all the things they should/shouldnt be doing (oh eye contact, oh not too much, oh I have spoken too long, I need to look interested, who was it again they're taking about, have I asked enough questions. Do I look silly. Are they expecting me to agree with them on this or is their tone that they think it's ridiculous...."

Constant masking, especially at school, is exhausting.

So the "real autistic" ideally isn't having meltdowns 99 per cent of the time. And yes meltdowns are part of the real them.

But masking is hard work.

There is an amazing series by Chris packham called "inside our autisitc minds" about 4 very different autistic people which I recommend everyone watch.

You learn to basically follow social rules.

I think pp have misunderstood my post. I meant the term masking to me, implies the meltdown is the 'real' person, which I dislike. I didn't mean that's what masking actually meant.

OP, there are lots of good explanations on this thread 😊

Isn’t this what everyone does?

@tattooedteagal do you get exhausted from having to consciously and deliberately keep track of your belongings and your diary commitments? Do you check the days date and what time it is, set multiple alarms and reminders?
I know many people with ADHD do. It's hard work having to focus so much on personal organisation.

I see that as similar to masking- lots of deliberate strategies to let you function in a world where people have to be where they are supposed to be with all the equipment they need.

Some people with ASD learn behaviour they see other people use- small talk, facial expressions- and drag them out when necessary. They have to actively assess the situation, decide which strategy works, and use it while realising it may not be the best option.
Think, 'doing small talk' on a bus, and being interpreted as creepy. Or 'telling a joke to make people like you' in a lecture.
Knowing you may be misjudging it, having to actively choose a strategy, is stressful and tiring. Not knowing whether the people you are with are laughing with you because you are witty, or laughing at you because you've missed the point...

Does that make sense to you?

Also, I think making it to 14 before diagnosis might well mean you were masking well!

But I don't naturally understand the social cues. I've learnt that there are "rules". For example, you are supposed to make eye contact when you talk to someone. You are supposed to ask about how they are and whether they had a good weekend when they walk into the office on Monday.

So I spent most of the time in 1:1 meetings with my manager thinking about whether I'm making enough eye contact? Too much? Oh no did I ask him about his weekend this morning? Would it be weirder to ask now than not ask at all? Etc.

I know the social cues because I've Googled them and I make an enormous effort to fit in with the neurotypical people but it's fucking exhausting.

Masking is like asking you to pat your head and rub your belly at the same time , while listening to death metal at full volume , while also expecting you to continue on with your day to day life. Its mentally taxing to act in a way that feels so unnatural to you.

Masking is a result of learning social rules by observing others and trial and error without ever understanding them or even actively disagreeing with them. For example, what is still difficult for me is the concept of white lies. The idea that you have an acquaintance you don’t really like or want to see say a school mum and then at some child’s party, they look like they’ve been dragged backwards through a hedge and have a terminal illness and we are supposed to say ‘how lovely to see you, you are looking well’ and pretend to like them enough to make small talk while the children play- the purpose of small talk I do not get and it utterly bores and frustrates me.

That’s just one example, but all of life is full of these rules that make no sense to me (I do have ASD), but feel forced to follow them, including lying to others because being honest is rude and mean, even though lying is supposedly really bad and to be avoided. The NT world is all so contradictory and a freaking shark tank.

It's not just about social cues. It's also about countermanding your own instincts just to fit in better with how people expect you to behave.

There are really any great typical examples that immediately come to mind, but I'd liken it to a scenario where you are expected to work in an office sat next to radio blaring out the one noise that you find utterly intolerable, all day long, just because this is how the other people in your office prefer it. You can do your best to just ignore it for the sake of harmony, but eventually it is going to grate on you to the point where you can no longer just pretend it isn't there, and usually that's only at the point where you are so mentally distressed by it that you'll completely breakdown.

Masking is like a form of self-inflicted torture, because you are acting contrary to your natural instinct and in a way that is guaranteed to cause you distress, destroy your mental well-being, and likely cause you longer-term mental health problems, but we feel obliged to do it regardless because it's 'easier' to fit in that way. People accept us more readily, and by managing to 'fit in', for a while at least we can even convince ourselves that no, the world isn't as disordered and discordant as we think, and perhaps we are not as 'weird' as we thought after all.

Personally I made a lot of changes to my life that meant I no longer had to put myself in situations where I constantly had to mask for extended periods, but I'm able to do that purely because I'm a grown adult with choices. Children don't have that freedom of choice, so they still have to mask to fit into a world that they don't generally have much in the way of control over.

Has there been any research on masking? I’ve only heard about it through parents and I must admit I struggle to understand it. We have children in school who, to all intents and purposes, are fine - join in happily, doing okay academically, play with people, but parents report meltdowns at home.

We all learn to follow social cues and rules, to some extent!

I'm not being goady, and my son is being assessed for autism at the moment.
But doesn't everybody do this? I constantly remind myself to let people talk/ not to interrupt them/ search for topics that might interest them/ have a natural pause when someone finishes. Especially with people I don't know well.
I'm so used to it it never occurred to me that other people may not do this. Do they? Or don't they?

Surely we all mask to some extent. We mask to fit in with the behaviour of colleagues. We mask to make sure we aren't being inappropriate in public etc?

Isn’t that what we all do?

Interesting thread, OP, thanks for starting it.

I wonder if we’re all on the spectrum to some degree. I and many NT people I know are always ‘overthinking’ social situations.

I think the ‘social impairment’ aspect of autism is often misunderstood.

People with autism are often keenly aware that they process social interactions differently to others and therefore work extremely hard to ensure they are fitting in in order to survive the workplace/ playground/ family gathering.

This masking takes its toll on your social battery and you can end up severely burnt out.

This is why ND people get on better with other ND people because they don’t have to mask as much. It’s a clever dance finding out from subtle cues, that someone processes differently like them.

This is actually very socially astute, not the opposite which is often reported.

For me, masking is trying to figure out how other people want me to behave.

The first time I meet someone is the easiest. I can pretty much be myself. And because I'm relaxed, I can sometimes be quite witty. But then if it seems that they like me, I try to figure out (in my head) why, and be like that. So I'm not relaxed any more because I need to try to be the witty person they met the first time - soi feel like I need to be funny. But forcing funny doesn't work, so instead of just having a nice easy conversation I am only half in the conversation and I'm half trying to figure out how I need to be in other for them to keep them interested and wondering if I have spoken too much or too little, have I said anything inappropriate, have I responded to their side appropriately - and then I miss something they've said and instead of asking them to repeat it, I try to figure out how I should respond to that. It's basically like having two conversations at once, one internal and one external.

I realise that's one helluva long sentence - I looked at breaking it up into smaller ones. To be honest though, leaving it as one gives a better feel for what it's like, I think.

Some great posts here explaining. My sibling finds the worst to be eye contact. Causes so much discomfort. But she knows it’s a ‘rule’ that you make eye contact when you’re talking to someone. She finds it physically painful, but she does it because masking. Then she’s also hyper conscious as well - am I doing too much, am I showing I am listening, am I not giving enough eye contact, am I smiling weirdly etc. It can overwhelm her.

Indeed.

I don’t know anyone who is their ‘true self’ all the time around others.

I think within the autistic community, “we are all on the spectrum somewhere” is seen as offensive because it reduces the difficulties autistic people face in their day to day lives due to their condition.
Some say it’s an outdated phrase and is ignorant of the struggles.

@manontroppo that's completely common with autism. There's a Coke can analogy that does the rounds about all the effort that's required for an autistic person to function at school and then explodes at home.

If you're a teacher/have autistic children in your class I'd definitely recommend some autism training, as this is fairly 101 stuff.

I find the eye contact thing so hard, unless I'm with a very few select people that I really trust. It makes me feel really exposed - like people will realise that I'm not the person they have come to believe I am. It's incredibly uncomfortable, and it's one area that I really don't do well with, socially.

And no its not the same as what we all do by a question of degree.

A bit like saying we're "all a bit ocd"
Or were "all a bit tired" to someone with ME
Or all our legs get tired sometimes to someone who can't walk...

It's minimising what it's like completely.