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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is he being unreasonable making me feel bad about this?

29 replies

Needtovent6738 · 24/07/2023 21:49

I’ve been seeing someone for around 5-6 months now, we live about 2 hours away from each other but even though we are exclusive to each other, we haven’t exactly put a label on it yet. He doesn’t have any children, I have 2 - 1 with a disability and pets and DC’s father isn’t involved and hasn’t seen them for 2 years because of DV.

Yesterday morning he got sent to hospital out of the blue and ended up needing a small surgical procedure (took about an hour, didn’t need to be opened up or even keyhole surgery). Come the evening and he started getting a little bit shitty with me making comments like it would have been nice if I went to see him in the hospital and that he needed me and I basically wasn’t there for him and now he is questioning if I care about him etc.

I physically couldn’t make it to the hospital over 2 hours away, my children (7 and 9) are on school holidays and can’t cope with being in hospital environments especially my DC with a disability, I only have one family member who is off work to care for the children and their own parent was in hospital so I couldn’t ask them - I seriously don’t know what else I was supposed to do? I’ve text and called them as much as I can to make sure that they’re okay since I found out.

Also, I’m not making it a tit for tat, but he hasn’t bothered to see me for at least the last couple of weeks - either making plans with other people, or in a bad mood so didn’t want to see me, even when a very close relative of mine was unwell and in hospital and he keeps avoiding making a proper commitment to me in general (not putting a label on the relationship and so on) so part of me thinks why should I stress myself out making sure my DC are looked after because you decide you need me for all of 2 minutes when it’s not reciprocated…

AIBU?

OP posts:
BiscuitsandPuffin · 24/07/2023 21:50

No this is him showing you he is needy, demanding, and doesn't think of you as anything other than his handmaiden.
Dump. ASAP.

AndIKnewYouMeantIt · 24/07/2023 21:52

I don't see the point of him if he doesn't realise your kids being off school will come first. And really if he won't put a label on it after 5 months then he's keeping his options open.

If he's 2 hours away and you're a single parent then it feels like too much effort anyway. Seconding dump.

Original poster
Needtovent6738 · 24/07/2023 21:53

@BiscuitsandPuffin it’s like only when he is unwell he decides he needs me… to look after him… when he is back to normal he will be back to hardly showing me any affection or acting like he doesn’t care half the time…

OP posts:
LunaNorth · 24/07/2023 21:54

Back in the sea with this one. He’s pointless.

EVHead · 24/07/2023 21:54

Yep - throw this one back. He’s not for you.

CopperSeahorses · 24/07/2023 21:54

He's telling you who he really is, I would listen then chuck him back into the sea. This is not a good or loving man.

Original poster
Needtovent6738 · 24/07/2023 21:54

@AndIKnewYouMeantIt his excuse for not putting a label on it was because he was ‘scared’ because he knew it would be the real deal in terms of commitment… and actually writing that makes me realise what utter shit it is. And yeah, I made it clear at the beginning I wouldn’t be able to travel much because of the children and he said it would be fine, he would be fine with travelling here, he has done it like once ever since…

OP posts:
GoldDuster · 24/07/2023 21:55

Nope, get rid.

shellyleppard · 24/07/2023 21:56

Then i think its time to knock it on the head. You have enough to deal with looking after your dc.....you don't need another child (man). Good luck 🍀❤️

GrannypantsMagee · 24/07/2023 22:01

Get out of that one! Definitely a no.

Emamazing · 24/07/2023 22:05

Needtovent6738 · 24/07/2023 21:49

I’ve been seeing someone for around 5-6 months now, we live about 2 hours away from each other but even though we are exclusive to each other, we haven’t exactly put a label on it yet. He doesn’t have any children, I have 2 - 1 with a disability and pets and DC’s father isn’t involved and hasn’t seen them for 2 years because of DV.

Yesterday morning he got sent to hospital out of the blue and ended up needing a small surgical procedure (took about an hour, didn’t need to be opened up or even keyhole surgery). Come the evening and he started getting a little bit shitty with me making comments like it would have been nice if I went to see him in the hospital and that he needed me and I basically wasn’t there for him and now he is questioning if I care about him etc.

I physically couldn’t make it to the hospital over 2 hours away, my children (7 and 9) are on school holidays and can’t cope with being in hospital environments especially my DC with a disability, I only have one family member who is off work to care for the children and their own parent was in hospital so I couldn’t ask them - I seriously don’t know what else I was supposed to do? I’ve text and called them as much as I can to make sure that they’re okay since I found out.

Also, I’m not making it a tit for tat, but he hasn’t bothered to see me for at least the last couple of weeks - either making plans with other people, or in a bad mood so didn’t want to see me, even when a very close relative of mine was unwell and in hospital and he keeps avoiding making a proper commitment to me in general (not putting a label on the relationship and so on) so part of me thinks why should I stress myself out making sure my DC are looked after because you decide you need me for all of 2 minutes when it’s not reciprocated…

AIBU?

No definitely not. Big red flag there. Forget him you can do much better and are worth so much. X

HashBrownandBeans · 24/07/2023 22:06

He’s already started the slow fade in the last few weeks and is now going to use the ‘you didn’t visit me in hospital’ line to break up with you, making you the bad guy. Get in there first and bin him.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 24/07/2023 22:10

It doesn't matter what his reasons are, none of your needs are getting met in this relationship. I'm not sure why you'd bother with him

JacquelinePot · 24/07/2023 22:26

Throw this one back, op

itsmylife7 · 24/07/2023 22:31

Have a think about what good he brings to your life ?

Base your decision on that.

billy1966 · 24/07/2023 22:32

Of course YANBU.
He's a user.
You deserve better.
He absolutely is not what you need with two children to care for.

FinallyHere · 24/07/2023 22:35

Needtovent6738 · 24/07/2023 21:53

@BiscuitsandPuffin it’s like only when he is unwell he decides he needs me… to look after him… when he is back to normal he will be back to hardly showing me any affection or acting like he doesn’t care half the time…

He sounds quite the catch.

Really, @BiscuitsandPuffin , what do you get out of this relationship ?

SlideandPolka · 24/07/2023 22:38

What does this relationship bring you that is positive?

BusyMum47 · 25/07/2023 06:59

Ugh. Dump him. He's pointless.

billyt · 25/07/2023 09:27

LunaNorth · 24/07/2023 21:54

Back in the sea with this one. He’s pointless.

I'd say more like back under the stone he crawled out from under.

A grown man whinging because he was alone in the big scary hospital for a little while? Ugh

SchoolQuestionnaire · 25/07/2023 09:31

Get rid, you can do much better.

Aquamarine1029 · 25/07/2023 09:31

You've found yourself another abuser.

Grapewrath · 25/07/2023 09:32

Run don’t walk

Oatycookies · 25/07/2023 09:35

Needtovent6738 · 24/07/2023 21:53

@BiscuitsandPuffin it’s like only when he is unwell he decides he needs me… to look after him… when he is back to normal he will be back to hardly showing me any affection or acting like he doesn’t care half the time…

You did right not to visit him. I was loosely seeing a guy who didn’t put a label on it until much later and when he was in hospital due to catching some tropical bug while on holiday and he asked me to visit but I declined. He was absolutely fine about it to be fair.

Too many men are requiring boyfriend privileges without committing to being a boyfriend and this goes beyond the label but also in his actions towards you recently.

Crikeyisthatthetime · 25/07/2023 09:37

So he's travelled to you once in 5 months, does that mean you are travelling to see him? Having to make childcare arrangements? What a baby, if he can't cope with a minor outpatient procedure all by himself. It also sounds like he's starting on the script to get you in line and constantly apologising for perceived wrongs.
Got his timing a bit wrong though because you've seen through it.
I hope you have anyway!