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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Step son not coming over

28 replies

lanadeeroy · 24/07/2023 20:23

We have been having issues with stepson since our wedding a year ago. I think it mainly stemmed from a few issues we have had with his mum, she started demanding more money and things became tense between us all.

Long story short he was incredibly rude & disrespectful to me recently, the worst its ever been. Dh told him to apologise but he said no.

We are due to have him tomorrow he has said he doesn't want to which is fine, but now DH is pandering to him and offering to take him out for some 1 on 1 time so that he can see him but ss doesn't have to come over.

AIBU to think that is the worst thing to do? Surely this gives the impression that he doesn't actually have to apologise and that he in some way isnt at fault? It's as if DH is rewarding him.

OP posts:
Valid8me · 24/07/2023 20:26

How old is he?

Marblessolveeverything · 24/07/2023 20:28

No it's basic level parenting.

Denying access of a child to their parents is emotional abuse. You don't use emotional abuse to discipline.

How old is the child and what is the specific behaviour. Discipline should be proportional to the behaviour.

Justcallmebebes · 24/07/2023 20:30

I think you have to look at it from his point if view. If you've always had a reasonable relationship and this happened shortly after you married, there's surely a link?

One on one with his dad sounds exactly what he needs and I think you have to put your grievances aside

HeddaGarbled · 24/07/2023 20:33

You and he don’t get on. Seeing his dad without you is the obvious solution.

He can still be banned from your home until he mends his behaviour towards you, but not banned from a relationship with his dad.

EvilElsa · 24/07/2023 20:33

I think one on one time with his dad would be beneficial. Withdrawing access to a parent as punishment is awful.

Rachie1973 · 24/07/2023 20:34

I think it’s a sensible solution.

MintJulia · 24/07/2023 20:35

Your dh is doing the right thing. Whatever his son's issues, they need talking about and resolving, or at least finding a compromise, and that can't happen if they don't see each other.

His child comes first, he needs to deal with this sensitively.

Howdoidoit100 · 24/07/2023 20:40

You are being unreasonable. Father and child need to spend time together.

TwinsPlusAnotherOne · 24/07/2023 20:54

Surely this gives the impression that he doesn't actually have to apologise

No, I think it gives the impression that you are a part of his father's life, and you have a home together, and if he can't act respectfully or apologise, then his father supports the decision that he can't come to your joint home. I think it's exactly right.

And that he in some way isnt at fault?

He knows he's in the wrong. He's been told to apologise. And I'm sure a lot of the day will be spent discussing this with his father. Probably more effectively on neutral ground, and just the two of them.

It's as if DH is rewarding him

I don't think it's a reward, it's just DH trying to speak to him one to one, and showing his son that there is still a way forward.

Whattodo112222 · 24/07/2023 20:58

Do you have children yourself op as surely if you did you'd realise this is basic parenting. He isn't going to stop seeing his son because of what happened, it doesn't work like that. He had your back and parented his son.

climbthathill129 · 24/07/2023 21:01

I personally think your DH shouldn't pander to him.

DH should be acting a team with you and your SS should respect you and apologies.

If SS doesn't want to come over because he has acted out, taking him out for 1on1 time just teaches him he gets fun days for being rude to people.

He should apologies and come over, not sulk. Then DH and son can have a 1 on 1 following this to catch up and clear the air together.

It's basic respect and manors that this child should be learning. Not "poor child" 🙄

Marblessolveeverything · 24/07/2023 22:33

So @climbthathill129, if the child chooses not to apologise for something they don't agree with then you withdraw as a parent?

If you can't see how absolutely emotionally abusive that is really concerning. The damage that could do to a child is unbelievable.

Parents stand by their children and show them love, that they are there 100% no matter what. That isn't rewarding behaviour it is basic and I mean absolutely minimum basic parenting.

Behaviour is dealt by appropriate consequences. Removing a parent attention is not appropriate unless they've actually murdered someone!

Createausername1970 · 24/07/2023 22:54

I am with your DH with this one.

SS behaviour towards you is not good, but if it's happened since you got married, could it be being fuelled by ex-wife perhaps? Or may be SS thinks he is losing his dad now you have got married and is resentful of you.

DH does need to spend time with SS to get to the bottom of it and hopefully pave the way to better relationships in the future.

I am not sure how old the SS is, but perhaps you could write a little note/card to say to SS that you have always enjoyed spending time with him and it's a shame it's gone a bit wonky at the moment. If it's something you have inadvertently done or said, please say, as it can be put right. If he prefers to just spend time with DH at the moment then that is absolutely OK, but you hope to see him again soon.

But please don't try to stop DH and SS spending time together. That won't help.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 24/07/2023 23:03

MintJulia · 24/07/2023 20:35

Your dh is doing the right thing. Whatever his son's issues, they need talking about and resolving, or at least finding a compromise, and that can't happen if they don't see each other.

His child comes first, he needs to deal with this sensitively.

Yes I agree, neutral ground is appropriate

EscapeRoomToTheSun · 24/07/2023 23:08

You've completely lost sight of what is reasonable decent parenting if you think his dad should not see him as punished for being rude to you! Hesus christ no wonder he hates you!

climbthathill129 · 25/07/2023 08:28

Marblessolveeverything · 24/07/2023 22:33

So @climbthathill129, if the child chooses not to apologise for something they don't agree with then you withdraw as a parent?

If you can't see how absolutely emotionally abusive that is really concerning. The damage that could do to a child is unbelievable.

Parents stand by their children and show them love, that they are there 100% no matter what. That isn't rewarding behaviour it is basic and I mean absolutely minimum basic parenting.

Behaviour is dealt by appropriate consequences. Removing a parent attention is not appropriate unless they've actually murdered someone!

The child should have the respect and manors to apologise to people, parents and step parents. It isn't that deep. The mum should support this too.

A simple apology and understanding what he did was wrong, instead of refusing to come and playing the parents off against each other.

This is the problem with children now a days 🤣

noglow · 25/07/2023 08:29

You have to show kids that no matter how awful they are they are still loved

WandaWonder · 25/07/2023 08:32

It's not a competition he has every right to see his child

yogasaurus · 25/07/2023 08:36

Win, win for you, surely? You don’t have to see him.

DSC’s don’t get parented in the same way as children in a nuclear family , I’ve learned to just accept that, and it’s better all round.

Not your monkey, not your circus, this mantra has helped me no end too.

aSofaNearYou · 25/07/2023 08:36

I think as a one off, to clear the air and discuss what happened, it's a good idea. It's when it becomes every time and he's being taken for some sort of treat after behaving badly that it's a problem.

Jongleterre · 25/07/2023 08:37

Anything that keeps dad and son close is a good thing.

Alienation is not a good thing.

OhBanana · 25/07/2023 08:59

You have clearly never been a step child, and probably not a parent yourself op? I have been the child in this situation and am now a mother. I can tell you that one on one time is exactly the right thing here. I got along awfully with my second step mum, had my father responded by spending one on one time to maintain our relationship and opening up about the real issue (feeling pushed out by her), things overall would have been much better. By constantly taking my stepmothers side I felt more and more ostracised in my own home which only exacerbated the feelings of being pushed out. I just wanted to be seen. She too had never had children and never knew how to parent and expected my father to pick her over all else (and he did). Thankfully we all have a good relationship now but it needlessly took a very long time to get here.

AnneLovesGilbert · 25/07/2023 09:06

TwinsPlusAnotherOne · 24/07/2023 20:54

Surely this gives the impression that he doesn't actually have to apologise

No, I think it gives the impression that you are a part of his father's life, and you have a home together, and if he can't act respectfully or apologise, then his father supports the decision that he can't come to your joint home. I think it's exactly right.

And that he in some way isnt at fault?

He knows he's in the wrong. He's been told to apologise. And I'm sure a lot of the day will be spent discussing this with his father. Probably more effectively on neutral ground, and just the two of them.

It's as if DH is rewarding him

I don't think it's a reward, it's just DH trying to speak to him one to one, and showing his son that there is still a way forward.

Good post.

If his mum is a pain then DH refusing to see him at all plays right into her hands, she probably wants to cause conflict.

Pinkdelight3 · 25/07/2023 09:12

It's not pandering and it's not your call. He can and should see his child. Working on their relationship one-to-one sounds very wise.

Ellie1015 · 25/07/2023 09:14

He is being a decent dad and wants to see child and repair the relationship. It is very important. Of course he should and will want to see his child.