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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it really the worst thing you can do?

46 replies

OngoingConfidence · 24/07/2023 19:36

A thread was deleted a few moments ago which really resonated with me. OP stated that she still lives at home, aged 25 (I still live at home aged 24) and that she'd had sex at home but felt really guilty about it.

I live at home with just my mother and she has always made it clear that I am not to have sex at home as it is "disrespectful". Tbh, it has always been a bit of a taboo thing in our house, when she found out I was sexually active (aged 19, a bit of a "late bloomer"), I was shouted at and made to feel like it was wrong so I have always had guilt surrounding it. If I ever want to have sex with someone, it ends up being in a car, the other persons house or just anywhere away from home, but I still feel guilt.

Why do some parents see it as an act of disrespect? Is it?

My AIBU is, AIBU to think it's not THAT bad? I'm conflicted and I would like some perspective from other parents.

OP posts:
Keeva2017 · 24/07/2023 19:38

I agree not that bad. As long as you are respectful and not noisy 🤣

Shep21 · 24/07/2023 19:42

It can be awkward, but definitely not disrespectful!

CopperSeahorses · 24/07/2023 19:43

You are right, it's not disrespectful if you are discreet about it. I certainly wouldn't have shamed either of my children for it although my parents were like your mum and would've absolutely shamed me for it, in fact my mother frequently referred to me as a 'slag' and a 'slut' for far, far less.

Original poster
OngoingConfidence · 24/07/2023 19:44

Of course, I wouldn't do it whilst my mom is at home, that would NEVER happen anyway 😅

OP posts:
Original poster
OngoingConfidence · 24/07/2023 19:45

@CopperSeahorses my mom has used "slut" towards me regarding my clothing choices but she tries to pass it off as a joke or say it in a joking way

OP posts:
Sugarfish · 24/07/2023 19:45

It’s just an old fashioned view I think. No it’s not the worst thing you can do. People have sex and have the right to. That’s a fact and it’s normal. But yeah if you want to avoid awkward moments round the breakfast table I’d keep the noise down.

Original poster
OngoingConfidence · 24/07/2023 19:46

@Sugarfish I've never done anything whilst my mom is home, It's only ever been times where she is out of the country, so not very often

OP posts:
Maaate · 24/07/2023 19:47

Depends really.

Is it sex with an actual partner or one nighters? I'd find having a random person being brought into my home more disrespectful than the sex IYSWIM.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 24/07/2023 19:47

Some people are wierded out by the thought of their kid having sex at all and don't want any evidence that they are. So they can't stand the thought of it in their house. Up to them, I suppose. But it's their issue, not yours.

I mean, where is the cut off line? Is it ok after you're married? What about if you're engaged? What about if you don't ever want to get married but have had the same partner for years? Are you going to get to the age of 30 and never be able to have sex in the house if you're still living there?

That said, at the age of 24 if I'd still been living at home I'd never have wanted to bring casual boyfriends to stay over at my parents' house. The only person I brought home was my now DH. I think he'd stayed over before we engaged though. We got engaged a year after we met.

Original poster
OngoingConfidence · 24/07/2023 19:47

The weirdest thing is, my mom is the least bit old fashioned, but when it comes to this, it's a totally different conversation

OP posts:
CurlyhairedAssassin · 24/07/2023 19:48

OngoingConfidence · 24/07/2023 19:44

Of course, I wouldn't do it whilst my mom is at home, that would NEVER happen anyway 😅

No issue then really, is there?

BettyBallerina · 24/07/2023 19:49

My teenagers are both in long term relationships, their girlfriends both regularly stay over here and my ds’s stay at their girlfriends houses too. They’re going to have sex anyway so I’d rather they did it somewhere safe and warm. It’s better to deal with reality than inflict feelings of shame and encourage secrecy.

Ponoka7 · 24/07/2023 19:49

My eldest and her partner lived with me for years. They were late teens/early 20's, so they were definitely having sex in my house. I think it's normal and as long as it is respectful towards me it's strange to have a problem with it. I considered our house as all our home.

Original poster
OngoingConfidence · 24/07/2023 19:49

@Maaate She had the conversation with me when I was seeing my ex. She never allowed him to the house ever. If I wanted to invite him over just for an innocent lunch or something, it was always a no. So, i'd wait until she'd be away from home or abroad before inviting him over.

OP posts:
Sugarfish · 24/07/2023 19:49

OngoingConfidence · 24/07/2023 19:46

@Sugarfish I've never done anything whilst my mom is home, It's only ever been times where she is out of the country, so not very often

Oh well in that case then it’s absolutely none of her business

Original poster
OngoingConfidence · 24/07/2023 19:50

@CurlyhairedAssassin I guess the issue is the guilt surrounding it. My mom has had conversations with me and made it out to be the worst thing I could ever do. But, then I stop and think "well, how did I get here then?"

OP posts:
Original poster
OngoingConfidence · 24/07/2023 19:53

@BettyBallerina It's nice that you're so open about it. I have had to resort to the secrecy route, I honestly feel guilty about it a lot

OP posts:
Original poster
OngoingConfidence · 24/07/2023 19:54

@Ponoka7 It's so weird for me to see that some parents find it normal and not disrespectful

OP posts:
LlynTegid · 24/07/2023 19:54

Of course it's not the worst thing you could do. Taking illegal drugs is far worse, wherever anyone does. No young man is stabbed to death or 9 year old child shot and killed because you had sex in the house where your parents live.

Yerroblemom1923 · 24/07/2023 19:58

Random ONS no because I wouldn't want strangers in my house but long-term gf/bfs I wouldn't mind as long as they were respectful and not noisy or obvious.
It's sad you can't even bring people back for lunch, OP. Are you looking at moving out soon?

Smittenkitchen · 24/07/2023 19:59

How old are you OP?

Original poster
OngoingConfidence · 24/07/2023 20:01

@Yerroblemom1923 yes looking at moving out, hopefully within the next year, I just need a deposit saved.

@Smittenkitchen I'm 24

OP posts:
orangeleavesinautumn · 24/07/2023 20:03

My sons live at home, and I have basically said to them no casual sex in my home - only once you have been together 4 months. Of course there is nothing magical about 4 months, it is just that I think you more or less can judge that you can trust someone in your home by then.

And no noisy sex - that would be embarrassing. My wardrobe backs onto my younger son's wardrobe and I can hear more from his room than he thinks I can.

alwaysmovingforwards · 24/07/2023 20:04

For me it's simply home owner rules.

If it's not your house / still living at home in your 20s, either abide by the rules or decide you don't want to and move out.

Pkhsvd · 24/07/2023 20:05

I find this surprising; my mum is very much someone who pretended sex didn’t exist when I was a teenager so I just made sure no one could hear anything rather than not do it in the house. They weren’t stupid though so I’m sure they knew it was happening.
With my teen I’d rather she was somewhere she felt safe, the idea of her feeling it had to be in a car makes me sad. I wouldn’t want random ons at my house though, more because I don’t want people we barely know in my home