Is it really the worst thing you can do?

[OngoingConfidence]

A thread was deleted a few moments ago which really resonated with me. OP stated that she still lives at home, aged 25 (I still live at home aged 24) and that she'd had sex at home but felt really guilty about it.

I live at home with just my mother and she has always made it clear that I am not to have sex at home as it is "disrespectful". Tbh, it has always been a bit of a taboo thing in our house, when she found out I was sexually active (aged 19, a bit of a "late bloomer"), I was shouted at and made to feel like it was wrong so I have always had guilt surrounding it. If I ever want to have sex with someone, it ends up being in a car, the other persons house or just anywhere away from home, but I still feel guilt.

Why do some parents see it as an act of disrespect? Is it?

My AIBU is, AIBU to think it's not THAT bad? I'm conflicted and I would like some perspective from other parents.

I have no problem with my young adult offspring having sex in my house. I thought it might be weird, but it wasn't.

I've never had ONS's at home. ONS is a bit of a taboo as well. I've been taught that basically you should only sleep with someone if you are in love with each other. I know that's not a good way to think so I've sort of tried to ignore that idea

Mine were never allowed to bring randoms home but regular partners, yes. Make/Female/Same sex

We had a large supply of condoms available (enough that it wouldn’t be obvious one had gone missing!)

@WellPlaced I couldn't imagine even having condoms in the house. This really does seem so crazy to me that families can be so open

But it’s perfectly normal surely!
It’s not normal to get into your mid twenties and not be having sex.

I would rather they had sex at home than in a car or up an alley. They will do it anyway. Obviously everyone is respectful

As parents of a 24 year old DS I would say that your DM is being a bit strange about this. However, I guess you just have to follow the my roof my rules convention.

Do you feel guilty because you are breaking her rules? I hope you don't feel guilty about having any sex at all.

@TonTonMacoute I think it's more to do with the actual sex that I feel guilty for. As I said in my OP, when she found out that I'd had sex for the first time at 19, she shouted at me and made me feel really bad. I've not been able to forget her reaction

For fucksake move out. If your Mum says no, it's no. But that's no way for you to live. Move out and start living your life like an adult.

That's worse than not wanting you having sex in her/your house, which could be just out of embarassment. I'd never use such a word to my daughter - it's really not a joke.

Maybe your mum has some of her own issues around sex? Or this is how she was treated when she grew up? Not much you can do to change how she feels but try not to internalise, I don't think it's disrespectful or wrong or anything like that. Maybe if you had sex on the sofa while she was also on the sofa it might be

@Somanycats agreed

My mother is exactly the same. She and my father would tut tut tut if someone so much as held hands on TV.

She shouted at me and shamed me for becoming sexually active at the age of 19, the twist being I wasn't actually sexually active at all at that point. She has caused me no end of hang-ups, which certain partners have managed to trigger with self-centered, critical behaviour, thus consigning sexual relations with those partners to the dustbin. I'm in my late 40's now, and it's only very recently that I'm able to have dreams that get a bit racy with out "her" turning up. I fucking hate her (for this, and many other reasons) and I would get myself banned from MN if I were to detail quite how much.

As a mum it would depend on the quality of their relationship and how long they'd been together. I wouldn't want them bringing back random people but if they were in a loving long term relationship then I would accept it because I wouldn't want my adult child missing out on a normal healthy loving relationship just because they had no choice but to live with us due to saving up etc.

Oh no, I’m very sorry to hear this. Coming to terms with your children being sexually active is a watershed moment (and quite mind boggling believe me) but it’s quite wrong to discourage sex in this way.

I hope you learn to get past this and find your own space to be happy soon.

I’ve had noisy sex at a boyfriends house and the mother was furious. I can’t say I was that sorry at the time 🥴but as a parent myself now I am extremely cringe about it. I certainly wouldn’t want to hear my child having sex that’s for sure but as long as it was a healthy happy relationship (that I didn’t hear) I’d be fine with it.

Is your mother Irish? Catholic?
My parents house is a complete no go area for me and my siblings having sex. Even holding hands with a boyfriend would have been frowned upon and treated like something shameful. Engaged - still no sex allowed. as in, no sharing a room with a partner. Married... Hmm maybe ok but by that stage I was too uncomfortable to even try.
I moved out around the age of 24 . I'd even lie when I was staying with a boyfriend before I moved out and say I was staying at "Sarah's" house

This is very weird and unhealthy. By 18 as an adult you should be able you have actual boyfriends stay over and yes have sex! What parent prefers their child to have sex in a field or car? Surely op from all your friends you know this is not normal? Half the sixth formers with boyfriends have them stay over.

Im 57 so quite old compared to most on here but I think this is really controlling behaviour. If she doesn't want you having sex in her house then that is her decision and I think it should be respected but ishe seems to think you having sex is dirty and you are doing something wrong?? She needs to mind her own business and you need to move out and start enjoying a normal adult sex life

There is nothing shameful about having sex. It is a completely natural act.
My daughter is only 13 but when she is older I will have no problem if she wanted her boyfriend to stay over. I would much rather her be at home having sex than having to resort to doing it in the back of a car.

Thank you, it's difficult

My mom isn't religious and she wasn't raised with these "values" so I'm not sure where it has come from. When I was seeing my ex, I wanted to stay over at his house and she said "good girls don't stay at boys houses". She stays with her bf very frequently so it felt like a double standard