Early motherhood on Instagram

[Faintoplant]

I know IBU and should just quit social media or unfollow etc and I will after today tbh.

An old school friend had a baby day after me 12 weeks ago. We've kept in touch a bit over the years and follow eachother on Instagram but dont meet up as live far apart. I thought it was nice that we'd had babies at same time and could follow each others progress online, maybe share tips etc.

From day one every shot she's posted has been perfectly poised and made it all look so easy breezy. I know there are lots of lovely moments in first few months but it's also so so hard, sleepless nights etc and being emotional. I find a lot of the celebs posts these polished pictures too. Don't get me started on post partum workouts and snapping back into shape.

I've been doing ok and enjoying aspects of motherhood overall but I have found seeing these posts that only talk about the bliss and joy of motherhood a bit triggering as it's only one side of the story and it just isn't like that all the time.

I'm never normally bothered by this kind of thing but I think as we're on a similar tomeline with our babies, it's hard not to compare. When I'm sat crying as I've not been able to get DS to sleep and I see another picture about the joys of breastfeeding or 'Ive just done a post partum gym session and am back in my pre pregnancy clothes', it pushes me over the edge. I feel frumpy and am just doing what I can to power through.

I know I'm being ridiculous and its time to come off SM but just needed to rant as I think motherhood is so misrepresented on there. I don't have PND btw, just fed up sometimes.

Surely no one thinks SM is an accurate representation of anything. We post the cute pics and happy times. Do you want her to post a picture of herself crying and covered in sick?

It’s a mixture though, not everyone wants to moan or cry on Instagram but also not everyone struggles with the newborn stage.
This girl is just living her life. She allowed to post what she wants, it’s not really her fault it makes you feel bad.

It’s your timeline. There are plenty of “realistic motherhood” accounts which are full of crying / vomit / maxi pads

But also, not everyone experiences everything the same. Some women find early motherhood easy - that’s ok. Some other time they’ll find something hard when you find it easy. Life is long with plenty of experiences - you do not need to compare yourself on this very specific point

I agree with this, some people breeze through the newborn stage or cope better. I loved the newborn stage but would rather claw my eyeballs out than deal with the tween stage again!

Nobody's putting a post up at 3am when they're knackered, changing shitty nappies and dealing with a baby who has projectile vomitted on them so you have to understand that social media is the best of what's going on, not necessarily the reality. But you also need to stop comparing yourself to others because it causes unhappiness.

TBH while insta over-represents the positive aspects of life, I think posts on here can be a bit overly negative, so it all balances out. I feel like I've not experienced motherhood anywhere near as hard as some posts on here - I've certainly never cried over getting DCs to sleep or had any problems breastfeeding, and I got back into pre-pg clothes effortlessly after breastfeeding and not much exercise. Some parents are genuinely happy and supported and saying so publicly doesn't mean they're just hiding or pretending that they have a secretly awful experience.

But really the key to dealing with SM posts you don't like or find helpful is just not to look at them. I find I'm completely unaware of many SM trends as I'm fairly selective in what I follow.

She’s nae showing you insta v reality.

Agreed - when people say 'Instagram shows x, y, z' they mean that's content they engage with and so see more. I see very little of this 'Instagram perfect motherhood' when I scroll - in fact I sometimes get a bit exasperated with how relentlessly negative my own feed is about having children. Similarly I never see content about breathing babies out or the other stuff that people insist is ubiquitous and made them feel crap about their births. Clearly that stuff is there but it really isn't monolithic. If you don't want to step away from social media then start looking for and engaging with things that chime with your reality - there will be plenty, and your timeline will change as what you engage with does.

Not everyone finds the newborn stage difficult. I certainly didn't the first 12/13 weeks were a breeze. Certainly lured me into a false sense of security.

Unfollow her on Instagram.
She may genuinely be having the most fulfilling time of her life (ahem) but I'd also find it hard to see those sorts of posts.

When I was a new mum (aeons ago) Insta didn't exist. I really valued other friends with babies being honest about the ups and downs.

I used to feel like this when I’d see other new twin mums on social media with babies a similar age, they’d be posting things that would make me compare my experiences to theirs and it would upset me too. Motherhood is hard, some babies are easier than others, some people only post how fabulous their life is to just simply show off, instagram is all about ‘showing off’ so try and remember that next time you feel rubbish seeing her posts.

Not everyone finds it difficult though. Should those parents lie? There's also nothing wrong with post partum workouts if that's what they want to do.

It does sound like you just need to stay off of insta.

MN cliche: comparison is the thief of joy!

I didn't have an awful time in the newborn stage with my first but it wasn't all smooth sailing either. So, I had a forceps delivery and had an infection and that wasn't fun. Did I post about it? No. Did my baby wake up every 2-3 hours in the night? Yes. Did breastfeeding hurt at the start? Yes.

My photos were all of the positive side because I don't give a shit whether people think I'm 'real' or not. I just wanted to share nice photos with extended family and friends from time to time.

I think anyone that is really struggling with their mental health at any point in life should not be on social media. I would definitely come off it right now if I felt the way you did. It is bringing nothing positive into your life.

Agree I was comparing myself all the time. But what’s posted online is so fake. I wish I could go back in time and tell myself I was doing a good job!!

This whole attitude about people not posting about something unless they’re having a shit time has to stop! So what if she’s posting stuff that makes you feel a certain way! It’s not her responsibility to manage your feelings, it’s yours. My first 12 weeks with my little baby were a breeze, he was a great sleeper (he’s nearly 2 now and tbf is still great!) and if anyone felt bad because of anything I posted back then, that’s their problem not mine! Just because something isn’t your reality doesn’t mean it isn’t theirs! You deffo need to delete SM.

Tbh I've had 4 kids and early motherhood with all of them was smooth sailing. They were all healthy, my labours weren't traumatic (long, but well controlled), I handled the no sleep well, didn't fuss about mess and kept my clothes mainly sick free. Not all experiences of newborns are like mine, but many are! There's no one way to experience it, and if these people think their pretty pictures are a good representation of what they want to show the world, then good for them. They don't need to be shamed, even if it is inaccurate! Motherhood is hard and some people fake it till they make it, that's fine.

Focus on you, unfollow who you need, expect less from others. Your life is yours, it has to look like your life, not like someone else's!

I just mute people for a bit when I’ve had too much. Sometimes I unmute again in the future but most the time I just turn them off when their posts bother me

Not everyone feels like you though? I enjoyed the newborn days, they were easy, life was good, my insta depicted my reality - happy as shit with my healthy baby. Why would you expect someone to need to bring negativity into that image if they didn’t need to?

I know exactly where your coming from OP.

I say all of this as someone who is a FTM of a 7 month old that has never slept through the night, it’s so hard looking at people posting about their perfect babies. We know deep down it’s all a lie but for some reason it still bugs us.

There’s been a massive baby boom in my friendship group so my insta is constant updates on everyone’s babies which is lovely but at the same time soul destroying “Ooh babies slept 8pm-8am” posts of friends enjoying their dinner while baby’s asleep upstairs etc etc.

I think the best thing to do is possibly have a social media break for a week or just hide your friends account for a few weeks until things settle down at home. Give yourself some grace and time to adjust to motherhood because it’s bloody hard and I bet you’re doing amazing at it.

No @MammaTo that is YOUR reality, no one else’s. The fact my children slept fairly well isn’t “all a lie” - it’s a different parenting journey to yours. You sound bitter and I’d suggest you step away from social media, parenting is a hard enough journey without comparing yourself to others.

God I'm glad there wasn't any sm when I had newborns

Many peoples babies haven’t slept through the night at 7 months old but it’s totally normal to put the baby down and then have dinner. It’s not “all a lie”

I think you're getting some harsh comments here! I know exactly what you mean, and it's why I've recently deleted instagram. It was making me feel rubbish. There's such a wild range of emotions when you have a baby - I remember being jealous of people announcing pregnancies while I was sat there with my newborn! I think what's annoying is that these posts present a type of motherhood that we all thought we'd be doing/feeling, and that's not the reality for most (same as the opposite end of the spectrum where you'll never sleep again and don't have time to make a cup of tea). My newborn was easy compared to what I'd prepared myself for, but I still had a lot of tricky feelings and posts gushing about being 'overwhelmed with love' 'our hearts are full' etc etc just made me feel crap, like I was missing something?!

Same I was just really overwhelmed I think! I brought a lot of my own mental baggage too without realising. Then you see these heavily curated posts and wonder what you’re missing.

Generally people post this kind of thing for validation. Perhaps she is not very confident underneath.

Like somebody above has said; people only post the good stuff on social media. For every perfect photo she will probably have a reflux puke on her top or some dribbles of shit on her hands.

Get used to it. Motherhood is a series of peaks and troughs and we all experience them at different times.

I had a very easy newborn. I still look back at those early days as one of the best times of my life. I had a friend who had her first at the same time as me and I honestly think she had some form of ptsd from it. A really traumatic Labour, a difficult recovery, pnd and a very high needs baby. I used to feel guilty meeting up with her and would usually pretend my baby was a worse sleeper than he was.

Fast forward to both of the babies first birthday and by god I really struggled with the return to work, my baby hated nursery and all night just wanted me so I wasn't getting any sleep, I was then struggling to get my work done. I was struck when I met up with my friend now how much our roles had reversed as things finally fell into place for her.