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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - Alcohol consumption.

32 replies

Turkey23 · 24/07/2023 15:54

AIBU - Partners drinking…

I have been staying with my partner for 2 months in his home country - Turkey.

I’ll start by saying I know that social norms are different to the UK but I’m confused as to whether this is ‘normal’, acceptable behaviour.

My partner works 6 days a week - long hours.

When I first arrived, we spent some nights out drinking and socialising with his friends, it’s the first time I have stayed at his for a long period of time and I was okay with this. New country, wanting to explore and try different bars and clubs etc.

As time went on I settled into my normal UK routine with the exception of seeing his family every single day - I’m okay with this, they are great people!

Now my AIBU is with his drinking. He drinks almost everyday. A drink whilst sitting at the beach, a drink whilst with friends, a drink whilst sitting with family and so on.

The issue is his drinking doesn’t affect our life, he never gets drunk and it doesn’t affect us financially. He gets up everyday on time for work and is an all round nice, genuine guy.

So AIBU to feel uncomfortable with his drinking? Or should I ‘let him live’ as it isn’t affecting us?

Thanks for reading :)

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 24/07/2023 15:57

It depends on your future. If you want a life together with kids, I think it is a problem, and you’re better to end it now.

Thepeopleversuswork · 24/07/2023 16:01

The definition for me of "problem drinking" is if the people closest to the drinker consider it to be a problem.

Daily drinking would be a problem for me and it is for you, regardless of whether ot not your partner is becoming aggressive or obnoxious.

Drinking at that level is, by medical consensus, bad for your health.

I would seriously consider whether you have a future.

Original poster
Turkey23 · 24/07/2023 16:06

@DustyLee123 We have spoke about the future and what would happen if we have children and he is adamant he wouldn’t drink as much as there wouldn’t be much downtime. Weirdly, he doesn’t drink on his days off or when we have daytime plans. It’s normally after work, in the evening.

In the UK I know this would be seen as a bad thing but here most people are the same, drinking to relax after work. I’m just a little confused as to whether I want to accept this. I know only I can make that decision. Just wanted some insight.

Thank you for your reply.

OP posts:
theemmadilemma · 24/07/2023 16:10

As a sober alcoholic I think for me it's about the focus. Does he make sure a drink is part of those activities, is it a drive, a focus for him? Going to beach, let's get a drink... going to see family, let's get some drinks...

If he's going to see family and it's offered and he partakes a small glass I might see it as less of an issue. If he's making it a focus and wants a couple or more, I might be thinking about how much of a priority it is for him.

Ponoka7 · 24/07/2023 16:10

So would you set up your life in Turkey? I know women who've married Turkish men and tbh the men have preferred life in Turkey. Have you met his family? Does he hold traditional views? Long term very few change.

Original poster
Turkey23 · 24/07/2023 16:14

We have spoken about this. He tells me, if it is a problem for me, he will stop. It’s as easy as that.

My issue was more about coming across as controlling, when the drinking really doesn’t cause a problem for us but you’re right it’s more than drinking, it’s the health issues that come with it!

I will ask him to cut back, I know he won’t have a problem with this and will do anything to keep me happy.

Thank you for your reply :)

OP posts:
Original poster
Turkey23 · 24/07/2023 16:15

@theemmadilemma No the drinking isn’t the focus of the activity. We normally complete our activities and then whilst winding down on the beach he would grab a beer. He doesn’t drink much just one or two and only at night. Never in the day.

OP posts:
Daphnis156 · 24/07/2023 16:17

More than one unit a week seems to be condemned on MN.
The fact though that you raise it means you are worried about. It may be such a part of life for him in Turkey that you would have to learn to accept it, and if you can't then (another popular refrain here) leave him.

DustyLee123 · 24/07/2023 16:19

My DH has told me many times that he is going to cut down/give up. He never has.
He will tell you whatever you want to hear to keep you.
Think about yourself and your future children. Is this what you want ?

Original poster
Turkey23 · 24/07/2023 16:20

@Ponoka7 We are both financially secure. The plan is to spend 6 months in each of our home countries, owning two homes. When we have children, we would like them to be educated in the UK, spending holidays in Turkey. I have met everyone in his family (a lot of people 😅) and they all seem love me. I work online so I have no ties to the UK except my own family. Turkey is a secular country so he isn’t too focused on religion.

OP posts:
sunflowerdaisyrose · 24/07/2023 16:20

Nothing you've said implies any problem to me (including the amount: 1 or 2 beers most nights, so maybe 10-14 a week).

Dulra · 24/07/2023 16:21

I think it's just a different culture around drink. I assume when you say he's a drink here and there you mean one drink? As in a beer or something but doesn't drink to excess or binge like the culture of drink in Britain (and Ireland) tends to be. He isn't getting drunk and likely able to stop if he wants. Sounds like how they drink on the continent where they may have a drink every day but they could sit for hours chatting over one or two drinks with maybe a coffee thrown in. I don't see it as a major problem tbh

Original poster
Turkey23 · 24/07/2023 16:21

@DustyLee123 It would be unfair to leave him without giving him a chance to prove he can do what he promises. I will give him 2 weeks - of course I won’t tell him this but I will monitor and if he sticks to his word, we can go from there.

OP posts:
ChannelyourinnerElsa · 24/07/2023 16:22

I personally wouldn’t see a problem with that. One or two beers after work, which he doesn’t have to have, you can afford, he doesn’t get drunk from and which he abstains from if doing something else instead I think is fine.

a
bottle of Peroni is 1.7 units. One or two a night max 6 days a week is 10-20 units.

the guidance is not more than 14 (some medical sources say 21 for men) units a week (which he probably does, if he isn’t doing 2 every night which it doesn’t sound from your posts that he is), no bingeing (he isn’t), and several drink free days a week- according to you he has at least one day off drinking when he doesn’t work, but you also say he doesn’t drink when you have plans, so maybe it’s more than 1 day a week? This is the only guideline he might be infringing.

Elieza · 24/07/2023 16:24

If it’s just habit to have one beer after work I don’t see that it could be too damaging to health.

Not sure that using alcohol to unwind is the best way to distress though.

The problem comes when life is more stressful than now, and one beer turns into three turns into the whole night one after another.

Of it’s just the idea of one beer sitting down relaxing them could he try low alcohol beer? There are plenty to try.

Peony654 · 24/07/2023 16:26

I can't really see a problem with this, if it's 1 or maybe 2 beers after work?

Original poster
Turkey23 · 24/07/2023 16:26

@Dulra Exactly that! We could be sat for hours and he would savour his one beer.

In the UK I drink maybe once a fortnight because I like the taste of wine with certain food.

He says it’s similar to that. He likes a beer whilst watching the waves.

He doesn’t drink to get drunk. This is why I don’t know if I am the one being unreasonable.

Also, although I started this thread I wouldn’t say I have a problem with his drinking. I just wanted to see how many people would find this acceptable. I grew up in a zero tolerance to alcohol household so my views may be biased.

OP posts:
Greenfree · 24/07/2023 16:30

I wouldn't be bothered about one or two beers after work. He doesn't sound like he has a drinking problem. I know many people that have a glass of wine or two with dinner every night and again doesn't seem to cause them any issues. I think I would be bothered if he was getting drunk every night. I think it will sound controlling if you ask him to stop having a beer after work, especially as it doesn't impact you and his behaviour isn't impacted by it

Dulra · 24/07/2023 16:33

Turkey23 · 24/07/2023 16:26

@Dulra Exactly that! We could be sat for hours and he would savour his one beer.

In the UK I drink maybe once a fortnight because I like the taste of wine with certain food.

He says it’s similar to that. He likes a beer whilst watching the waves.

He doesn’t drink to get drunk. This is why I don’t know if I am the one being unreasonable.

Also, although I started this thread I wouldn’t say I have a problem with his drinking. I just wanted to see how many people would find this acceptable. I grew up in a zero tolerance to alcohol household so my views may be biased.

Yeah that wouldn't worry me, just stop focusing on it being an alcoholic drink because it sounds like a safe social activity. You say he's a beer on the beach I think a lot of people tend to drink a bit more in the summer because they're out and about more in the evening, all that might stop when the evenings draw in and everyone is home more

ManateeFair · 24/07/2023 16:41

Turkey23 · 24/07/2023 16:15

@theemmadilemma No the drinking isn’t the focus of the activity. We normally complete our activities and then whilst winding down on the beach he would grab a beer. He doesn’t drink much just one or two and only at night. Never in the day.

So he's essentially having one or two drinks each evening while you wind down at the end of the day? I honestly know countless people who do that.

Personally I'd have no problem with this at all. I've lived with an alcoholic man before, and one of DP's siblings is an alcoholic. DP's sibling holds down a job and doesn't drink at work but will have several drinks every evening, drinks from lunchtime onwards all day at weekends, and absolutely will not agree to go to any event or venue where they won't be able to have a drink. If we go for a meal with them and their partner, they'll have had three or four by the time they've finished their starter. My ex couldn't go for a day without drinking and started at about 2pm every single day, and was drunk to some extent every single night.

What you're describing - one or two drinks after work, six nights a week - doesn't really sound like someone with an alcohol problem to me, and I personally wouldn't ask them to stop because it simply wouldn't bother me.

However, it sounds like it does bother you, and if it bothers you, it bothers you. So maybe you need to have a think about what it is about your boyfriend's drinking that worries you, and talk it through with him to explain. I don't think your boyfriend has a drink problem, but it's obviously something you're uncomfortable with so I think you need to ask yourself if it's a deal-breaker or not.

ManateeFair · 24/07/2023 16:44

I grew up in a zero tolerance to alcohol household so my views may be biased

I think they probably are biased a little bit, to be honest. Your boyfriend's drinking is not problematic at all, from what you've described. If you've grown up in a teetotal household you probably don't have anything to compare your boyfriend's drinking.

FuckTheLemonsandBail · 24/07/2023 16:46

I couldn't/wouldn't be with a man who drank more than occasionally, personally. But I've seen problem drinking first hand in my family and know how easy it is for regular drinking to become daily drinking to become heavy drinking and so forth. So regular drinking wouldn't be something I'd aim for in a partner/future spouse/future father of my children. It just isn't something I'd want them growing up around and seeing as normal.

DH probably drinks maybe three or four times per year, a couple beers. I probably drink a few glasses of wine a couple times per year, for reference.

FuckTheLemonsandBail · 24/07/2023 16:48

Also, even people in a culture where regular drinking is normal can have drink issues. It's a well known idea that in cultures where people drink little and often (wine most nights with dinner or with lunch etc.) it's a healthier approach to alcohol, but that doesn't mean there aren't plenty of people who drink more or people who drink more than they would living in an environment where alcohol isn't a daily occurrence.

I think the fact you're here on a forum asking whether you should trust your instincts that it's not a healthy thing says a lot.

Easyontheeyes · 24/07/2023 16:50

One or two beers in the evening? Wouldn’t be a problem for me and would be quite normal for a lot of people I know.

babysharkdoodoodedoodedoo · 24/07/2023 16:53

Wouldn’t bother me at all and I’d not begrudge him a beer after a long day at work, if it really was just one!

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