AIBU to send toddler to nursery whilst I’m home with newborn .

[Onedownonetogooo]

DD1 is 21 months she attends nursery two days a week (9-5) . It is costly but means he can interact with peers and I can have time with baby who is 3 weeks old. I can sleep whilst baby sleeps and it means I can also try and get some things done while Baba sleeps.

I am finding 2 under 2 really hard -the is only 3 weeks old so I know it will take a while . I’m breastfeeding too and this is hard as it’s time consuming. I feel bad as I used to devote my two days off and weekends solely to my daughter . She has been lovely to the baby but I feel utter guilt she is bored . I feel awful but I’m struggling to entertain her and the baby.

So . Do I use the last of our disposable income to send dd to nursery one more day a week . This would mean she is having full on interaction , I can be home with newborn and try and get some rest . This will be extremely costly and mean we have no money left to save each month. But I wonder for my sanity and for DH who works from home and for my toddler if this could be a good idea .

Or am I being bloody lazy and I need to get organized and sort myself out and it is pretty harsh to send toddler out again whilst I am home with the newborn ?

I adore toddler and feel such guilt I can’t give her my full attention at current . I want to be painting and drawing etc but currently not possible. I can’t work out what to do . DH supportive either way. We have been getting out for walks each day and of course DD is loved and adored but she is spending a lot of time entertaining herself with TV whilst I feed baby and I’ve never been like this before .

Feeling like an awful mother !!!!

Does toddler get to meet other children her age at the moment?

I sent my 2 year old to nursery when I had my second baby. It was great for her to get out and play with friends and do things. You cannot do much with a toddler and a newborn other than meet their basic needs. At nursery they get to do so much more than that. You are not a bad mother. Do what you feel is right for you and your family.

I think you should, helps the 2 year old with social interaction.

This will be extremely costly and mean we have no money left to save each month.

If you have absolutely no buffer then I think you just can't afford it.
What happens when your energy goes up in Sept/Oct?
What happens if there is a small increase in your food budget?
The boiler needs repaired?

YANBU to use a nursery while home with a newborn but it doesn't sound like you have the money to increase the days.

Yadnbu. Consider whether you want to send them a fewer number of days so you can have some savings bit otherwise not an issue

Yanbu x

You are not being unreasonable. Most people do this with small age gaps if they can afford it. I could only afford 2 days for 2 months and then dropped to 1. You will be surprised how quickly managing 2 become the new normal. Start getting out on little trips now and build up e.g park etc. get yourself a good sling and you will be surprised what you can do!

My toddler goes to nursery 2-3x a week whilst I’m at home with the baby. It is the only way to maintain my mental health. It’s really really hard otherwise.

I did it. DD was in nursery full time before I had DS (20 months apart) and I kept her in full time until she was 5 months

I did this and it was good for both me and DD as well as my baby; definitely recommend

Can you look for baby groups to go to with the toddler instead?

Perhaps have nursery over the summer whilst you adjust then look for groups in September when they're back on.

Not even slightly unreasonable!

I work part time, so our toddler goes three days a week and I considered dropping him down to two while I’m on maternity leave; I’m so glad I didn’t because it does do so much good for us both.

Mine used to do Monday, Wednesday, Friday when little brother was born and we stuck with it. Made him happy as kept to his schedule qnd loads play time. Made me happy as I could sleep

3 yo DS is staying in nursery 3 days per week while I’m on maternity leave. Obviously slightly different as we get funded hours but I’d have dug deep to find the money if he’d been < 3.

Do it, it's better for your DD to with other kids rather than with you when realistically, you're up to your eyeballs with the baby. She will play/learn and have lots of fun. You will be less stressed out all round so overall, a better parent.

Don't beat yourself up over this as there's nothing to feel guilty about, only you know what's best for your family and it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.

If you could afford it then I think it would be a good idea but unfortunately it just doesn’t sound like you can. No money left to save every month would be utter madness. You already have 2 days a week, then presumably DH home for 2 more so don’t sweat it if you don’t manage much on the remaining 3 days. But if you want them to be doing more then I would instead look for a stay and play toddler group or activity that would allow you to sit at the side with baby. Or even a decent toddler soft play or playground where they can run around fenced in.

My 2 year old goes to nursery whilst I am on mat leave with my 7 week old. I didn’t want to totally change his routine, he enjoys nursery, and I was fortunate to be able to save up during pregnancy to allow him to continue to go.

I do feel guilty, but I think that’s just motherhood… I also feel guilty on my days with both children at home because I feel like I’m not doing a good job by either of them, and I’d feel guilty if I pulled him out of nursery as it would mean he would lose his time doing activities with his friends and the baby wouldn’t get any of the 1:1 attention that he had. I think the balance we have is the best compromise for everyone in the family. Given that it’s guilt all round, do whatever works for you and is affordable.

I did exactly that. My son went a couple days all day to nursery and I kept him there after I gave up work after my second was born. Then she started at a year two days a week he went up to three. I didn't go back to work so I had a break. Made the tránsito all day school super smooth too.

Your not being unreasonable if you could easily afford it, but since you say it would be using ALL your disposable income and have nothing left to save each month then I personally wouldn't. Baby is only 3 weeks, it will take time for you to get into a routine with your older child. I'd try to make it work at home, and then you've atleast got some spending money for days out at the weekend and savings.

Your newborn is very new indeed. In four weeks time things will probably feel quite different.

Could DH take one day a week's holiday for the next month to help you out, or do you have a relative who could visit one day a week?

Honestly if your budget is that stretched I'd stick at two days nursery a week, and call in as many favours as possible to tough it out until you've got the hang of parenting two - it is really difficult at first but it does get easier.

Yanbu. I kept mine in nursery one day a week when I had DC2. They had fun and did messy play at nursery.

It doesn't sound like you can afford it, so I wouldn't.

You'll be surprised at how quickly managing the two will become second nature.

My first was just turned two when my second was born and we didnt use any nursery- getting out in the morning helped us a lot. Do something exciting with the two year old, the baby will be stimulated just watching, and with any luck they will both get home tired and nap at the same time.

That said, when I decided not to have my eldest in nursery I did not foresee the pandemic - which meant before long I had them both 24/7 with no respite or socialising at all. That was rough. But the times when we could get out were really manageable.

Could you put your toddler in for an extra day over the summer holidays while the normal toddler groups aren’t in session? Then once they start up try to get a good routine going if free/ cheap groups for when they’re with you. They usually take up most of the morning, then home for lunch and a nap and you’re in late afternoon.

You are not at all being lazy or a bad mother. A toddler and a baby together are hard. You have to do what is best for you. It’s not like you’re sending your toddler somewhere horrid. Take care of yourself - these early years are tough at times x

My eldest continued full time nursery whilst I was on Mat Leave, and as far as I can see with other parents, they all did the same. Primarily for us was the fact I needed her full time place when I returned from leave, so couldn't risk her losing it, plus she retained her routine, friendships and age appropriate activities (I am not a natural in that area). Plus baby got my full attention during the day. Obviously only do what you can afford, but my kids now have a lovely relationship and (bonus!) no jealousy like I had when my little sister was born.