AIBU to send toddler to nursery whilst I’m home with newborn .

[Onedownonetogooo]

DD1 is 21 months she attends nursery two days a week (9-5) . It is costly but means he can interact with peers and I can have time with baby who is 3 weeks old. I can sleep whilst baby sleeps and it means I can also try and get some things done while Baba sleeps.

I am finding 2 under 2 really hard -the is only 3 weeks old so I know it will take a while . I’m breastfeeding too and this is hard as it’s time consuming. I feel bad as I used to devote my two days off and weekends solely to my daughter . She has been lovely to the baby but I feel utter guilt she is bored . I feel awful but I’m struggling to entertain her and the baby.

So . Do I use the last of our disposable income to send dd to nursery one more day a week . This would mean she is having full on interaction , I can be home with newborn and try and get some rest . This will be extremely costly and mean we have no money left to save each month. But I wonder for my sanity and for DH who works from home and for my toddler if this could be a good idea .

Or am I being bloody lazy and I need to get organized and sort myself out and it is pretty harsh to send toddler out again whilst I am home with the newborn ?

I adore toddler and feel such guilt I can’t give her my full attention at current . I want to be painting and drawing etc but currently not possible. I can’t work out what to do . DH supportive either way. We have been getting out for walks each day and of course DD is loved and adored but she is spending a lot of time entertaining herself with TV whilst I feed baby and I’ve never been like this before .

Feeling like an awful mother !!!!

Is your question whether you should keep sending her 2 days, or stretch yourself financially and send her 3?

If you can afford 3 then it sounds like it would be good idea. You could try it for the first few months and then see if you feel like you could reduce it back to 2 when the baby is less glued to you.

Everyone I know has done this (kept oldest in childcare) a couple of days. It’s so beneficial for the older child’s learning and socialising and will give you a much needed break.

You're not being unreasonable at all, it's really hard! Could you re-arrange her nursery days a bit, so 1x full day and 2x half days, or even 4x half days. So breaks a bit more regularly albeit shorter and similar overall cost? (This is what I did when I had 2x under 2)

Absolutely fine

I’m doing the same now as are my friends and other mums

it means she won’t get bored and you can give baby the attention they need

My toddler is staying in nursery 2 days a week when baby's born, in the past I've felt guilty about this but I won't this time. I think in your case I'd stick to the 2 days or even split them to 3 or 4 half days (if your nursery is like ours it works out more costly having 2 X half days than 1 X full day). Unless your nursery is very flexible and will let you drop days again at short notice if unexpected expenses crop up.
It's hard at the moment, I've had 2 under 2 in the past and the first couple of months are very difficult but it does get easier, especially when you get past the initial getting into a routine etc.

Would totally go for taking that extra time if you can. We were in similar circumstances and made life so much easier, older DC happy at nursery then when she was home had the time and energy for her having chance to get rest and jobs done. Husband works very long hours and later used nursery to get a break and give 2nd DC opportunity to socialise (as all baby groups shut and a very bored baby)
Yes at time cost us virtually all our disposable income and Dh could have been mean and say no but he appreciated was what we both needed. Subsequently a job opportunity came up and because DS was already settled in nursery I went for it. I absolutely would not have dreamed of applying for it if he hadn’t already been settled in nursery and there were no nursery places left by them anyway. It was a very rare opportunity (due to circumstances of pandemic) and now have a career earning far more than would have otherwise, so you never know how things are going to turn out. Don’t feel guilty about making the most of help on offer, even if it’s just so you can enjoy this time a little more

Nursery is infinitely more exciting than watching your mum breastfeed and put the TV on and exhaustedly say, “Maybe not painting/mud kitchen/mess today, perhaps some colouring”. If you can afford it, do it.

I no longer enjoy my Fridays with older DC, trying to balance the needs of the baby versus the older one is hard work! I’m counting down the days till she starts school…

Its a lot of work looking after little kids. Interaction in nursery is great. Your 2yr is getting the best of both worlds.

Would your nursery do half days? That might be cheaper, and hopefully toddler naps in afternoon anyway. Lots of nurseries don’t though, or at least it’s not significantly lower cost.

No judgement sending to nursery while on maternity leave. I was a sahm and toddler did 2 mornings a week at nursery, especially when I had dc2. Absolutely saved my sanity! However I would only do it if I could afford to.

Why change her routine - I'd (if you can) keep things as they are - plus you may get a nap when DC1 is at nursery when you put DC2 down

YANBU, everyone I know, be it NCT group or nursery parents, have kept their toddlers/pre-schoolers in nursery (usually same schedule as pre-new baby) during maternity leave.

The other question is whether you can afford to lose her place at nursery if you take her out ?
I would definitely keep sending her

My eldest went to nursery when I had second. Although he was a bit older - aged 4 so it was part school nursery and part wraparound private nursery.

It was great to have baby time with both children.

My DD was already settled in at nursery when her sister was born, it would've been much more disruptive to keep her home because she would've missed her friends. I felt like it gave her a bit of respite, routine and consistency when there was so much change at home.

Of course the older child should continue to go to nursery - it is part of her early years education. Why would you want to deny her the opportunity to develop and progress?

This was not even OPs question. Her question was should she add another day of nursery even though they will be using all their disposable income and not be able to save anything.

I don't think that's what the OP is asking though. I read her as asking whether she should stretch her household budget to the limit to send DD to nursery three days a week rather than the existing two.

What?? OP is keeping the 2 existing days no question. She’s asking if she should add a 3rd even though it’ll be tight financially.

Yes . This is correct . I am Trying to work out if I should send dd to nursery for an additional day .

It would cost an extra £320 pcm . We have about £1000 disposable income per month -
so nursery would be a third of that for one extra day per month meaning it would be very hard for us to save any money .

Thank you all for your replies . I feel a lot less guilt ! I’m seriously thinking of sending her one more day . She love’s socializing and attending nursery and I know she would enjoy it and it would make me feel like she was getting more interaction than at home with me !!!

I do think that taking decisions based on tough you're finding life 3 weeks post partum is a bit premature. Of course it's really really difficult in the first week after DH goes back to work. But if you can muddle through for a few weeks it'll get better pretty quickly.

Hi OP, I have a 4month old and a 3.5 year old so I can relate to your feelings of guilt. In my experience they will go though and you will get into a different routine. My 3yo also goes 2 days a week but my husband is home 1 day a week so there’s only 2 days of entertaining both on my own. I personally didn’t want to send mine to nursery more but that’s just me. Either way don’t be too hard on yourself, you’re only 3 weeks in and things do get easier

We had far less of a disposable income than that and certainly couldn’t save anything at the time but was totally worth it!! Even if it meant we couldn’t afford any holidays, no fancy days/meals out etc it was worth it to just be less stressed every week of year