Unreasonable expectations of coparent or just having a say?

[Chevybaby]

My ex has DS 5 every second weekend and half the holidays, the rest of the time DS is with me. Ex has asked that I adhere as closely as possible to some of his values while DS is in my care.

Specifically he doesn't want DS to play with any toys or watch cartoons that perpetuate negative gender stereotypes. He also wants our child to only eat organic whole foods and no processed junk. And while I don't disagree with either viewpoint at all on principle, as his main caregiver I think it's actually not that easy to implement them rigidly in day to day life.

He gives me more child maintenance than is necessary so it's not that I can't afford organic whole food and I love cooking and DS is a good eater so he gets a lot of good nutritious grub. But if granny slips DS a Curly Wurly or if we're at friends and their children are eating cheese strings I don't want to create a massive drama and block DS from enjoying the choccy or joining in with the others and eating the plastic cheese.

The gender stuff, at home I try not to watch garbage on the telly but if we're at friends and it's on I don't think it's a huge deal. And if DS wants a digger for his birthday and refuses to wear pink that's fine. For me perpetuating negative gender stereotypes is much bigger than toys or colours.

So I get where he's coming from and mostly respect his position but don't see how I can implement anything too strictly without creating drama/different issues or letting DS feel super left out. Plus I'm full time parent and I'm tired so this is a layer of admin I don't have time for (unlike lengthy MN posts).

Ex however would say DS is his child too and he gets to have some say about how he is being raised which I can't argue with at all. He is a great and loving dad and supportive co-parent, just works away right now which is why not as hands on as he would like. And because of this I have a lot more say about what happens in DS' life and ex is really only asking for these two particular things.

I should add that we are extremely sociable and see friends and relatives pretty regularly so the rubbish cartoons and processed snacks are not once in a blue moon, they are a few times a week. I bring good snacks with us but obviously when everyone else is eating processed crap DS wants it too. I could see people less frequently to remove temptation but then that seems so sad!

So AIBU to be so laid back about ex's needs given that he's overall very supportive and is only asking for these two requirements to be met?

Or YANBU it's too big an ask to police DS's diet and viewing pleasures so strictly and there has to be a bit of leeway?

Just say no. What he does in your care is up to you. If you were feeding him utter shite, your ex might have a point but you're not.

He can parent how he chooses to parent while DC is in his care. He cant really dictate how you parent. Having a dialogue is good but dictating is not. I think limiting junk visual and edible is a good idea. However, I also believe everything is okay in moderation. If you are to strict these things beome forbidden fruits.

Even the way you refer to it all..."junk, plastic, garbage, rubbish, crap". You're not wrong but it sounds draining to be this aware whilst socialising etc. The more you refuse all of these things, the more they become the forbidden fruit.

Your house = your rules.

He's your ex. Presumably for a good reason.

He's also chosen to work away. I'm sure he has a good reason. We all have to make hard choices sometimes. He's not your boss. He doesn't get to dictate how you live in his absence.

I would have an issue with the organic food rule, as it is very environmentally damaging. However, I would aspire to the rest anyway, and "aspire" is as much as he can realistically expect

Sounds like you are adhering " as closely as possible ". You are mainly in agreement, and say that you are mostly giving organic food etc, but you have to be practical, and mix with other people without DS being made to feel " othered." Sounds like you have the balance about right.

I would just make the right noises to him and carry on the way you are, it sound well balanced to me.

I’d tell him yeah 100% no junk food etc. Then carry on parenting as you are. There’s being a good parent ensuring a balanced diet and the right programmes etc. and then there’s being the fun police

I don't think you're unreasonable for not following his demands to the letter for obvious reasons, but do find it a bit odd passively accepting lots of junk food and cartoons multiple times a week if you don't disagree with some of his points.

As a parent you can say "no" to your child and offer an alternative. Just because kids are together doesn't mean they all have to be given processed junk for snack.

Ah how easy it is for him to dictate when he’s caring for DC on average only a third of the time.
I used to say all this stuff then I had kids and now with two children stuck to my hip 24/7 I am more than happy to give them some crisps and throw on YouTube to get the dinner cooked, house cleaned or have 5 minutes to pee in silence.

He cannot dictate how you parent and yes as their dad he definitely has a vested interest to ensure DC is well looked after and cared for whilst he’s in your care, but anything beyond that is unreasonable.

If you have a reasonable relationship I would simply say I value your input and I agree in theory but we have to be realistic and I must be trusted to parent in the best way for me and DC whilst he’s in my care.

if you don’t have a reasonable relationship then I’d just ignore it or send a 👍🏻 any time he mentions it.

doesnt matter how much you don’t feed into “gender stereotypes” - kids will find influences and choose what they like either way. Parents have very little control over this - those egotistical parents who think they can control a kids personality development because of their own hang ups drive me mad

I think your approach is fair; if you police these things too much you will send your DS the other way as it’ll seem more exciting than it is. The tv part is only going to get harder as he gets older and wants to watch things his friends do

He gets to parent how he sees fit on his time and you do on yours.

As long as your DC is kept clean and healthy (physically and mentally) all is well.

If he is so keen for his child to be brought up a certain way, then he should sacrifice his career which involves travel to do so.

If he's not prepared to sacrifice his career to raise his child in a particular way, then it can't be that important to him can it?

To be fair, I think many of us have similar ideals and would stick to these rules if we could.

In reality, it's easier to talk the talk than walk the walk. Your ex needs to appreciate that.

If you do your best to feed DC healthily and avoid gender stereotypes, he shouldn't push it.

YANBU. Provided your kid is happy and healthy, you can parent your child in your way and he can parent your child in his.

My brother's ex-wife has tried to impose various dos and don'ts on my brother with regards to their kids (he never tries to dictate to her how she parents, even when he privately disapproves). Eventually it was actually his oldest child (by then an adult) who snapped and told her she was being unfair and controlling and that provided they were kept safe and well at their dad's house, it wasn't actually her place to impose her rules on them at his house.

Normally I'd be all for saying your house, your rules. But if he's generally cooperative and gives more maintenance than he's required to legally, I'd probably be conciliatory to the extent of saying that of course you'll try not to perpetuate negative gender stereotypes and naturally as a responsible parent you'll be trying to feed your DC as healthy and well-balanced a diet as possible. But I wouldn't be prepared to agree to any absolutes... I find having absolute rules to be ill-suited to doing my best as a parent. So he'd have to be happy with that.

I agree on both counts! It is exhausting and I definitely don't want to create any forbidden fruit issues. I don't obsess over this usually, just post conversation with ex. Although cheese strings really are just plastic no?

It's true! I don't actually find it such an issue with friend/friends kids because most people are pretty thoughtful about what goes in their bodies these days. The main trouble is older relatives (my mother and father particularly) who see any requests for less processed treats as a critique of their parenting style in the 80s/90s.

It's true! I don't actually find it such an issue with friend/friends kids because most people are pretty thoughtful about what goes in their bodies these days. The main trouble is older relatives (my mother and father particularly) who see any requests for less processed treats as a critique of their parenting style in the 80s/90s.
It crossed my mind that parents might be an issue here.

Some parents aren't very good at accepting that their children might choose to raise their children in a different way.

It was a different topic, but we found saying something like "we're doing ..... Guidance has changed since we were children" was useful because it deflected away from any (oversensitive) defensive reactions

Honestly, I'd be irritated at grandparents who aren't willing to accept their children's decisions. If you want to have fewer processed things then they should respect that.

Thanks to commenters for taking the time to respond to this SOS. I've really appreciated all the comments on this thread and I feel a lot clearer about how I'll manage this moving forward.

As a matter of priority I'm going to try to be firmer with grandparents on the issue of junk food! DS loves them already, they don't need to win him over anymore. I'm going to make sure I'm organised with healthier alternatives when we're socialising (and maybe become better at baking, I feel like that could be a game changer). But otherwise I'm going to step away from the absolutism of at all and tell him that I'll do my best but I'm not going to obsess over anything.

He's a good parent but has to work away at the moment so cant be as hands on as he would like.

So normal life can get in the way of his parenting but not yours?

Just say Thanks for the input, I agree with you I'd like to limit x and y too and will do my best to accommodate that where reasonable without being detrimental to LO.

Then do what you think is right in the moment

He can do as he pleases when LO is with him.

Suggest funsize sweets to the GPs(you can make it sound like it’s his favourite etc). What would you do if you were still together? Would you be fully onboard with his plastic free, organic rules? I agree with the your house, your rules with the proviso that it would probably be easier for your DS to have similar rules in both houses so he’s not going from one extremes to the other. Having said that, how would EXH respond to being asked to ditch the organic no plastics?! Sauce for the goose…!

I’d also say that the organic path can be really restrictive for the child. If your son is going to be an extrovert who makes friends at the drop of a hat he’ll probs be fine. If he’s going to be a bit shier and introverted having common ground with the rest of the children can be a huge help. Participating in and knowing about popular culture is a really easy way to connect and life is easier when you’re not the “weird kid” who’s never had a McDonalds. I know a few children whose parents are very environmentally aware etc and the kids are frankly missing out on heaps. A few of them have social anxiety anyway and don’t think anyone will want to be friends. They have nothing in common with the majority of their classes because of the choices their parents made for them. Not saying that’s the case in your situation, but worth remembering.

When we were married ex agreed to raise our dc vegetarian as per my beliefs. Soon as divorced the burgers came out. Resulted in some very confused and frankly pukey dc... Judge deemed it applicable for ex to do meals his own way. Which was vegi dc until he saw a way to add more punishment my way. I dared to leave. Tell ex he can do his way and you will be doing yours..

I really disagree with the principle of "it's hard being the weird kid who has never had Macdonalds". In general, doing something "bad" because everyone else is doing it is not a good idea. Kids are actually quite a lot more accepting of variety than adults sometimes. Mine virtually never had MacDs or similar because it's pretty horrible and I'd rather eat elsewhere, so we did. They weren't precious or weird about it and if with friends or on a school trip or something they'd have chicken nuggets or similar.
OP it's perfectly ok to bring your own snacks etc or even suggest on a playdate that they go and do X now if the TV has been on for a while, but it's all about balance, reading the room and ultimately, yes, whilst you are the one doing all the day to day, it's up to you.

You might need to remind him that he is paying maintenance, not employing a nanny.