Not making allowances for stepmum

[Chunkychips23]

I’m getting married in a few months and my mum and my partners parents have helped towards some of the costs. I got made redundant the day after finding out I was pregnant after years of TTC, so money has been tight (we’d already paid deposits etc, so cancelling wasn’t an option)

My Dad refused to help contribute and said we should have done the wedding cheaper (we have got EVERYTHING for 75 guests and all dresses & extras for under £10k) and he told my Mum no, he won’t be helping as he had nothing spare. Then he’s just spent over £10k on building a summer house that his wife wanted.

I personally didn’t expect my Dad to contribute as he hasn’t since he met his wife when I was 17.

She hates me and my sibling, always has. We were never unpleasant to her. I was actually really excited when my Dad met her and tried my best to befriend her, but she did her best to make sure I was pushed out. Things like telling me I needed to give my dads house keys back as it was no longer my house and she didn’t want me walking in to hers and her kids home. My brother still lived there initially and she charged him rent and would allow him one shelf in the fridge for him to buy his own food (he was 18yrs old, finishing college) and also used to lie to my Dad that my brother was being horrible to her when my Dad wasn’t there (my bro is literally one of the kindest, most gentle people you could ever meet) They eventually moved away and made it clear my brother had to find somewhere else to live as he wasn’t welcome.

Basically, there was loads of stuff that she and my Dad did over the years which is material for another post! My Dad and I have since had a very strained relationship. He would go no contact for several months and ignore my attempts at communicating, then suddenly reach out again. So it’s been difficult, but I’ve always tried to keep the door open as he’s my Dad and he wasn’t always like this.

I asked my stepsister to be a bridesmaid as I’m not punishing her because her mother has an issue with me. My stepsister is 15yrs old and a lovely kid. I’ve bought her dress and shoes and she was due to come up and try it on. My Dad announced he’d be bringing his wife to my home and that I’d need to make sure my dog wasn’t in the house as she’s unwell (long term chronic condition) and he doesn’t want my dog bothering her. This woman hates my guts, she’s only coming to make me uncomfortable in my own home! (I see my Dad once every few years and she either comes with him or will ring him constantly whilst I’m with him.)

I’ll be 20 weeks pregnant when they come up, neither of them have once asked about the baby either. I sent him a scan pic and he ignored it completely and when my Mum messaged him about it, he basically said he wasn’t arsed. His wife did leave a bitchy comment on my Facebook announcement post! I just don’t think I should be hosting someone who hates me, when I’m feeling particularly vulnerable, in my own home.

I said I won’t be making sure my dog is locked up or out of the house and if his wife is that unwell, he shouldn’t be bringing her and I can just post the dress for my stepsister to try on.

He said “well if your Dog is more important then I understand” and that I’m ruining things for my stepsister as she doesn’t have much family and I need make sure I’m there for her as he won’t be travelling up without his wife.

Now I feel guilty about my stepsister as she was looking forward to seeing me. It’s not my fault that he and his wife chose to cut out all of their families and isolate themselves, but I feel he’s making me out to be unreasonable. But now I feel like I’m punishing her because I can’t suck up hosting his wife for a few hours.

Am I being unreasonable here?

YANBU, but tbh I don't think it was practical to ask your stepsister to be bridesmaid. It was always going to necessitate more contact with them than is advisable.

In regards to point no4 it’s the dogs home why should it be put away for an unwelcome guest. “Not everybody likes dogs” well not everybody likes this woman but nobody respects that feeling so fuck her health condition she can stay in her own house problem solved.

you sound comparable to her step mum tbh

Plus it’s not her money either. She’s not worked a day since she moved in with my Dad. - if they are married and/or share finances then it is joint money presumably and she has as much say as him over how it is used so your dislike of her may be clouding your judgement there.

They sound horrible and to have treated you badly over the years so please don't let them ruin your wedding. I agree with others - by inviting your step sister to be a bridesmaid you are inviting more control and drama from them. it was a nice gesture but she is a child so they are already controlling arrangements for the dress fitting - if they won't come to you except on their terms and they won't let her travel alone there is nothing you can do except disengage. I can see them making you jump through all sorts of hoops for her to be a bridesmaid only for them to decide at the last minute they are not coming - or worse for them to attend and spoil things for you. You won't win this while step sister is still a child. You won't make your father suddenly become the father you want him to be, he has repeatedly shown where his priorities are, I am so sorry about this. I hope you have a wonderful wedding.

1. As mentioned, I’d already paid off over half of the wedding. They wouldn’t allow us to postpone or cancel. £10k is not a huge budget wedding.
2. He was in full time education working weekends. My Dad hadn’t paid any child maintenance to my mother, but his wife expected my brother to contribute towards her house when she didn’t work herself.
3. Fair enough if I did walk in whenever I felt like it, but the keys were for emergencies. I’d never walk into someone’s house without knocking, keys or not! My step kids have keys to my house (that I actually own) and I have zero issues with that.
4. She doesn’t like me but has invited herself to my house. Then tries to dictate what happens. As an FYI she has lots of pets herself
5. Not at all. I asked her because I adore her and she also wanted to be included.

My Dads siblings have cut them out to because of her behaviour. Pretty sure she’s not a reasonable woman

Because if doing something simple like putting a dog in another room to make a guest more comfortable is an option, it’s plain shitty to refuse to do this and you couldn’t possibly expect a positive reaction like ‘ph it’s fine we will leave the human at home’.

Anyway OP, you seem to be blaming your stepmother for a lot of your dad’s behaviour - not seeing you as a child, not giving you wedding money. But clearly - and I really am sorry to say it - it’s him. He didn’t even reply to your scan picture. That tells you everything you need to know about how he feels. Actually your stepmum is almost irrelevant in this all. Because your dad is enough of a shithead to not even get to the point to consider how she feels.

Either cut your wedding down to 73 guests or invite a couple of more mates in their place. Your dad is a wanker and your wedding is too memory-heavy a day to let him spoil it.

1. It’s still an expensive wedding and I stand by that I wouldn’t, if it was me, contribute to such extravagance in place of something I really wanted for my home.
2. Well then your dad should either have paid maintenance (though he wouldn’t have needed to do this for your brother if he lived with him) or decided his son shouldn’t be paying keep. Either way you’re targeting the wrong enemy - your dad is your brother’s relative and he should have been the one making decision. Except he let his wife do it and said nothing.
3. Again, your dad didn’t feel strongly enough about you having keys to put his foot down.
4. I stand by the dog comment - o think there’s a lot of petty trying-to-get-one-over type things going on and it was always gonna implode.
5. How much contact do you have with her? Are you even close?

Honestly OP all roads lead back to your deadbeat dad. Cut them out - the sad part will mean cutting out your stepsister and you will be painted the bad guy. But for the sake of your sanity on your wedding g day, it’s the oBly option

Seriously, you must uninvite them all.
You risk these vile people spoiling your expensive and (hopefully) only wedding day. You will regret it for the rest of your life if they ruin your special day. It is far too much of a risk.

Explain the situation to stepsister, and find some other way to make it up to her, such as taking her on holiday with you when she is 18.

OP I was 30 when I realised I had to stop trying to make my dad love me and accept that his behaviour was the truth. Is there any way that having a relationship with him brings anything positive to your life? Because it doesn’t sound like it.

I don’t think you sound grabby - I think you were trying to say that if he had contributed money to the wedding then he would have been in a position to make requests (eg step mother at top table), but he didn’t and still made demands.

Honestly, if the only reason you maintain a relationship is for your step sister then explain things to her directly, tell her that you are always there for her but only directly, and stop trying to involve your father in your life.

@WeetabixTowels are you the stepmum?

I couldn’t agree more IF she was a nice welcomed invited guest into the home … which she was none of you can’t honestly sit and tell us that you would happily go out your way and accommodate an uninvited unwelcome unkind guest that you don’t like in your own home lol

I speak to my SS regularly as she feels really lonely and isolated. They chose to move to a remote village, which sucked for my stepmums
kids. I want to cut them both out, but then that would leave SS completely alone.

I gave her a lot of leeway. I could understand initially why she must have felt weird about it all. Moving into what was your DP and ex wife’s home must have felt strange and she’d want to put her stamp on it. She’s also only 8 years older than me, which when I was 17 was so exciting to me, thought it would be like having an older friend, but she didn’t want to know.

I’m not usually one of those people who puts their dog above humans. Anyone else asked I’d happily put my dog away in a separate part of the house. At her wedding, they invited me to stay over but outside in a broken caravan in winter, with a bust window and a door that wouldn’t shut. She locked the door at night and said it was because she didn’t want anyone in her house. Pretty humiliating having to wee in a field. I couldn’t leave either as they had their wedding at theirs, which is in the middle of nowhere. So yes, I’m being petty and I’m not 100% proud of it.

I agree that my Dad is the main problem here. He’s allowed for it to happen. He’s the one who chooses to dip in and out of my life. I think now I’m about to be a parent myself, I just don’t understand it.

Seriously 🙄 ffs..... £10k all in for 75 guests is cheap. And you've completely missed the point of this thread.

Op, why is SS her carer, whys your dad not? And why on earth can't a 15yr old go on the train, is it direct?

I feel so sorry for your SS, dependant on distance could you go get her and have her for a week? Sounds like she too could do with some down time.

Def don't bow down to SMs demands.

Why are you being such a pushover? Why are you paying for these undeserving, unpleasant, unworthy people to attend one of the most important days of your life?
I’d be replying “yes, my dog’s more important than yours” and tell them all to swivel. Block these awful people and move on with your life. I’m sure the 15 year old is nice but she’s not your sister she’s your dad’s wife’s child and no relative to you.
Now is a great time to protect your baby from ever having to force a relationship with these people- why would you want them around your child?

@Chunkychips23 trust me when you’re a parent the shiftiness of your dad will hit you like a truck. You will look at your baby and think ‘how could he have treated me so poorly, I was the same as this once and he fucked up’. Good luck to you! But I echo PPs - you have a Dad problem. Save your pennies and Uninvite them

I think she’s a shitty woman and he’s an even shittier man for allowing this to happen to his daughter.
when people show you who they are- believe them.
Stop letting them have power in your life. you aren’t upset over what you have- it’s what you hoped to have. Once you truly realise you’re banging your head against a brick wall, you realise the futility of it- they are shitty people. Maybe they weren’t always, maybe they aren’t to everyone - but they are now to you and you can’t live on was or maybe.
I think once you have your child you will truly see how much selfishness it would take to shrug your own flesh and blood off like that.
You sound like a lovely, kind person but you can’t judge people by your own standards.

They take kindness for weakness and happiness for stupidity. Avoid people like this- they will always try to feed off whatever you have and not think twice about what it costs you. I always think kind people’s light just shows the darkness in some and they want it for themselves and if not will be content as long as no one else can have it.

Congratulations on the baby and upcoming nuptials! You have a lot to be happy about- just remember certain folk won’t want you to have that but they have no power to take a drop of it unless you permit it!

I’m happy to be a shitty person then, because no way in hell I’d shut my dog away in a room for a woman I didn’t even want in MY house and didn’t even have the basic manners as to ask nicely. My dog is more polite than that.

Reading through everyone’s comments, I’m starting to realise he’s never going to change. I’ve been holding out hoping that he’d be the Dad he once was. I was hoping that with getting married and becoming a Grandfather he might change or want to be more involved. It took me a few years of therapy to realise it wasn’t my fault.

I see how my DP is with his kids. Although there has been some parental alienation, he has fought tooth and nail to keep a relationship with them, keep seeing them. And being in a SM position, as frustrating as the kids can be sometimes, I’d never in a million years try and come between them and their Dad. They’re always welcome in our home and they should always be prioritised. The eldest is now in his 20’s, but that doesn’t mean it’s time for my DP to stop being a Dad or that he doesn’t need to be there for his kid. Couldn’t think of anything less attractive in a partner than one who drops his own children!

Oh what a tough situation to be in, I absolutely wouldn't want the Stepmum in my house. Would it be possible to drive or have someone give your Stepsister a lift over to try the dress and spend some time with you? I'd be seriously considering uninviting the Stepmum but I know it's not always as simple as that. Whatever happens. I hope you have a wonderful day. Don't let anyone ruin it. X

Insanity because it's high or low?

Just go NC with them. Honestly. It's so much easier than years of disappointment. I'm not trying to hurt you, but your dad doesn't give a shit about you and has happily backed up his bully wife for years. They don't deserve space in your life, let alone at your wedding.

Do you regularly just invalidate what an OP says because you don't think it makes sense? The OP clearly says that most of the new friends didn't even know he was a father such is the distance now between them all since he got remarried.

You sound like a very lovely person, op. :)

In regards to point no4 it’s the dogs home why should it be put away for an unwelcome guest. “Not everybody likes dogs” well not everybody likes this woman but nobody respects that feeling so fuck her health condition she can stay in her own house problem solved. sorry but this made me snigger.

OP, the money is a red herring.

Presumably the reason why you have even noticed the money situation is because this is just one in a long line of behaviours which confirm to you what kind of people these people are.

I would explain to your stepsister that while you want her to be a bridesmaid it’s jut not practical because of the family dynamic, but that you will always be there for her. I suspect she hates her stepdad as much as you hate your stepmom, and if she has any sense she’ll be off as soon as she’s old enough.

Then I would tell your dad that it would be best if he and your stepmom didn’t come to the wedding. If he objects tell him that the seating plan has made allowance for the dog to sit next to the stepmom <evil cackle>.

Your dad is a cunt. He was meant to protect you. Forget everyone else and hold onto that. Dad not invited. Step sis maybe collateral damage. But I'd send her the dress and offer to have her to stay. But none of the others would step foot in my life.

@Chunkychips23 for your own sanity and dignity, I highly suggest you stop arguing with the goady fuckers on this thread and trying to justify yourself to them. They just want to harangue you, needlessly poke holes in your narrative, and not actually help you.

Focus on the people who are actually giving good suggestions on how to deal with this. :)