Not making allowances for stepmum

[Chunkychips23]

I’m getting married in a few months and my mum and my partners parents have helped towards some of the costs. I got made redundant the day after finding out I was pregnant after years of TTC, so money has been tight (we’d already paid deposits etc, so cancelling wasn’t an option)

My Dad refused to help contribute and said we should have done the wedding cheaper (we have got EVERYTHING for 75 guests and all dresses & extras for under £10k) and he told my Mum no, he won’t be helping as he had nothing spare. Then he’s just spent over £10k on building a summer house that his wife wanted.

I personally didn’t expect my Dad to contribute as he hasn’t since he met his wife when I was 17.

She hates me and my sibling, always has. We were never unpleasant to her. I was actually really excited when my Dad met her and tried my best to befriend her, but she did her best to make sure I was pushed out. Things like telling me I needed to give my dads house keys back as it was no longer my house and she didn’t want me walking in to hers and her kids home. My brother still lived there initially and she charged him rent and would allow him one shelf in the fridge for him to buy his own food (he was 18yrs old, finishing college) and also used to lie to my Dad that my brother was being horrible to her when my Dad wasn’t there (my bro is literally one of the kindest, most gentle people you could ever meet) They eventually moved away and made it clear my brother had to find somewhere else to live as he wasn’t welcome.

Basically, there was loads of stuff that she and my Dad did over the years which is material for another post! My Dad and I have since had a very strained relationship. He would go no contact for several months and ignore my attempts at communicating, then suddenly reach out again. So it’s been difficult, but I’ve always tried to keep the door open as he’s my Dad and he wasn’t always like this.

I asked my stepsister to be a bridesmaid as I’m not punishing her because her mother has an issue with me. My stepsister is 15yrs old and a lovely kid. I’ve bought her dress and shoes and she was due to come up and try it on. My Dad announced he’d be bringing his wife to my home and that I’d need to make sure my dog wasn’t in the house as she’s unwell (long term chronic condition) and he doesn’t want my dog bothering her. This woman hates my guts, she’s only coming to make me uncomfortable in my own home! (I see my Dad once every few years and she either comes with him or will ring him constantly whilst I’m with him.)

I’ll be 20 weeks pregnant when they come up, neither of them have once asked about the baby either. I sent him a scan pic and he ignored it completely and when my Mum messaged him about it, he basically said he wasn’t arsed. His wife did leave a bitchy comment on my Facebook announcement post! I just don’t think I should be hosting someone who hates me, when I’m feeling particularly vulnerable, in my own home.

I said I won’t be making sure my dog is locked up or out of the house and if his wife is that unwell, he shouldn’t be bringing her and I can just post the dress for my stepsister to try on.

He said “well if your Dog is more important then I understand” and that I’m ruining things for my stepsister as she doesn’t have much family and I need make sure I’m there for her as he won’t be travelling up without his wife.

Now I feel guilty about my stepsister as she was looking forward to seeing me. It’s not my fault that he and his wife chose to cut out all of their families and isolate themselves, but I feel he’s making me out to be unreasonable. But now I feel like I’m punishing her because I can’t suck up hosting his wife for a few hours.

Am I being unreasonable here?

God stop being such a fucking walk over and just uninvite the lot of them!!

Yeah, you’re right. My brother has cut him out, so have most of my Aunts & Uncles. I’ve given him enough chances.

I just don’t want to leave my SS to the pair of them. My SM’s son has cut them both off because he thinks they’re toxic, but not before he went off the rails. I don’t want that to happen to my SS who is an innocent party in all of this.

So keep lines of communication open for SS. Social media, email, phone- let her know you are there if she needs you.

But seriously, if they turn up and ruin your day, you will regret it. She, at the moment, is still able to control you, through him.

I agree with this. Unfortunately I doubt you will be able to protect your SS, especially after her DB going off the rails. Just make sure you'll be there for her whenever she needs you. This is the time to make a stand and cut your dad and his wife out of your life.

Sorry OP, I also agree with this. Both of them are using your step sister as a pawn in this and, yes, they WILL ruin your wedding day.

Do you have your step sister's mobile number or can you message her through Facebook? Perhaps message her, so she knows that she can always contact you (and as she's gets older she can very much make her own decisions) and explain the current situation to her? 🌹

Tell her as soon as she's 16 and can legally leave you're there for her.

I suggested I met up with her halfway and my Dad said no, I had to come to her as he’s not letting her get the train by herself.
No then

he’s happy for my Mum to cover additional costs and thinks it’s ok to dictate things to me
Stop listening then

You're an adult - you dont have to put up with this shit

You're unreasonable for moaning about the money. The rest of it yeah your dad's showing his true colours

I know it's unfair on your step sister but I'd get your Dad and Step mum away from your life and wedding.
Your step mum sounds vile and your Dad is vile (sorry) for allowing her behaviour!

Like other posters have said , keep lines of communication open for your step sister she may appreciate it one day but anything else I'd back away!

I'd probably respond thanks for understanding re. the dog being more important. You knew he would, given the way he has prioritised the SM over the years and that you'll sort something with your stepsister directly.

Then I'd drop him and try to maintain a relationship with your stepsister directly.

Can I just add you sound quite resentful that your mum is giving you money for the wedding and your dad isn't. It's perfectly ok for him to spend 10k on what he and and his wife want. They have earned and saved for that. It's ok for them to decide not to spend that money on a day for someone else. It really is a terrible waste of money. Your mum wants to do that and that's her choice

You don’t sound resentful or grabby at all OP. It’s just on MN anything more than £200 on a wedding is considered outrageous.

Your dad and his wife sound bloody awful, just cut them off. Sorry about your SSis though, but she isn’t actually your responsibility.

Being the ‘bigger person’ is massively overrated. It’s a myth peddled by people who treat you like shit so they can carry on being pricks.

Kick these arseholes out of your life.

Tell your stepsister you love her and when she’s an adult you can’t wait to have a relationship with her independent of her toxic mother and your toxic father.

This , couple of nasty narcissistic pricks I appreciate he’s your dad but you deserve far better! Cut all 3 out of the dayor maybe even every dat they do not deserve a spot in your special day and your stepsister will see for herself when she’s old enough to leave them that it was never you

They sound dreadful, I'm sorry but reading all this I really think they will end up ruining your wedding if you allow them to come. As others have said, it has got to the point where the ongoing relationship will only be hurtful to you, you don't need this at any time, but especially not when you are going to become a mum yourself. Let your step sister know you'll always be there for her if she needs you.

It's lovely that you have wanted to include your ss but as she is a child, her parents rules have to be obeyed even though they are ridiculous. I wouldn't involve her in anything more high pressure until she is 18 and can come and travel to you independently

By asking your ss to be a bridesmaid you've invited more drama into your life. I don't know why you are making things hard for yourself. She's not your child that you need to save her from them. They could easily cut contact and then you would have no relationship with her anyway. Do they even know about the seating arrangements? I can't help but think you've thrown good money after bad and sm will engineer an argument and they'll end up not coming anyway.

You really need to take a step back and focus on your own nuclear family. Your dad is a poor excuse of a father and you will never get a normal, loving relationship with him. So as hard as it will be you need to let it go. Otherwise it's going to go back and forth with endless drama. Put your own family first.

Please stop putting up with this shit. She is going to ruin your wedding. She is going to make your day all about her and it will be miserable.

Your dad is a shit parent and you are best cutting him off. The more you give oxygen to these people, the more they will abuse you. Please uninvite them. I understand your concerns for your step sister but there is no way round this without leaving her out too. She said will soon be old enough to decide for herself.

I hate women like your stepmother. My ex married somebody similar who hated my little boy with a passion. She is now subject of an injunction and my son is protected from her venom. Do yourself a favour here, you won't look back.

Oh Op, you know this isn't going to end well. They will ruin your wedding!! Can you say you e had to cut down on numbers of the wedding party to save costs. How close are you to the daughter?

Ive read your post a few times and sorry but YABU IMP

For the following reasons:

1. (we have got EVERYTHING for 75 guests and all dresses & extras for under £10k) - I wouldn’t be contributing either because a £10k wedding is not cheap and 75 guests is definitely cut-down-able. If the ‘ask’ to me was ‘we are skint and I have no job but we still want a nice wedding g’ to find out that actually it’s a huge 5-figure wedding, id say no too. I would rather have a summer house which will last rather than add to an already extravagant party for someone else
2. Re your stepmum: charging your adult brother rent is entirely reasonable and normal. It’s also reasonable to expect a working adult to move to their own place - especially if it was 10-20+ years ago.
3. Entirely reasonable to ask an adult/almost adult not to just wander into her house whenever you felt like it. If this was a stepmum post on MN everyone would say ‘demand the keys back’
4. Totally shitty to not put your dog away. I cannot stand dog people who can’t understand not everyone loves their dog. But this woman has a health condition FFS and you are essentially saying ‘well that’s your problem’. That’s mean as fuck
5. It seems you’ve asked your stepsister to get one over on your stepmum/dad

I think maybe reflect and think this woman may actually be reasonable, and that you weren’t perhaps the wonderful teenager you may have thought you were.

I didn’t ask him for any money, my mother did. I’m angry for her that he made her out to be money grabbing. I’d have rather she didn’t ask him, but she said he actually called her and offered….He’s not helped out financially at all since their divorce when my brother and I were still children. It was the fact he offered to help out and then said that his wife needed the summer house, so he won’t be helping. It’s like all the times he promised he’d come and see me, then she clicked her fingers and he didn’t show up. I’m resentful of him feeling that he is entitled to tell me how I should organise my wedding and trying to push his wife into the bridal party. And nobody is paying the full 10k, as mentioned I’d paid off over half of that before I got made redundant.

Plus it’s not her money either. She’s not worked a day since she moved in with my Dad.

I’m about to be a stepmum and if my partner wanted to contribute to his child’s wedding, I wouldn’t have an issue at all. They’re his children.

I’m actually shocked that people can be so poisonous. You’ve done nothing wrong and you’ve shown your generosity of spirit by including your ss in the wedding. Is it worth telling him if he can’t be pleasant and happy for you on your wedding day, you’d rather they didn’t come? It doesn’t sound as if you’d be losing very much.

I absolutely wouldn't make excuses for them. I'd be telling them straight. Perfect opportunity to do so. They have been hoisted by their own petard 🤷🏻‍♀️

I didn’t even have a seat and she told the guests that I was a distant friend of the family.

Really?

That doesn’t sound at all believable.

Youre telling us that people didn’t know you were the groom’s daughter? And that she actually ran the risk of looking like a massive liar by lying about the identity of a significant member of her husband’s family?

Are you sure she wasn’t referring to the general direction? Or are you saying she told all her guests that you in particular are a distant relative? I’m trying to figure out what that would look like. Presumably her guests knew her new DH was a father? I think you’ve misunderstood and your hatred of her has just fuelled your need to believe she doesn’t like you

Is she your step sister or half sister? You see Dad once every two or three years so the wedding will be the second time you've seen her since she was 10? Does she even know you well enough to be excited to be a bridesmaid?
Sorry but she's basically a stranger and if there's no blood link, when your Dad dies you'll likely never see her again.

I'd be rethinking the whole relationship set tbh.