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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it time?

34 replies

Pippa12 · 23/07/2023 18:49

We had our beautiful 16 year old terrier since being a puppy, he’s been amazing, never an ounce of trouble.

The past 6-12 months have been challenging. He paces constantly, he scratches to leave the room, then immediately scratches to come back in. He now does his business in the house almost daily (twice today despite me being in!). His back legs are going and he’s fallen down the stairs a few times. He’s stone deaf, literally no hearing. Partially sighted at best. He does not want to go for a walk or play. His breath is unreal, his teeth are rotten, I took him to the vets but they said he wouldn’t survive s GA to do the work needed. He’s lost a lot of weight despite him eating normally. He snapped at a lady last week (she went to stroke him- didn’t ask) thankfully he’s no teeth but I was shocked as it’s so out of character.

On the other hand he is still mobile (slowly and cautiously). His appetite is insane (I actually think he forgets we’ve fed him) and drinks no problem. He does seem to recognise us still although he’s not too bothered about affection. He would walk on the lead around the block.

I feel like it’s time we started to think about saying goodbye, my husband thinks he’s still eating, drinking and walking so its too premature.

Its heartbreaking but i cannot cope with the constant urinating and pooing in the house, watching him aimlessly wandering like he’s no idea where he is…

Whats the right thing to do? Would the vet advise us what’s best for him or do we make the decision?

My husband wants to wait (till it’s obvious ie: fits/heartattack/stroke)… I’d rather it be controlled and calm…

who is being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Poppysmom22 · 23/07/2023 19:11

I am so sorry but I think you know it's time. Quiet and calm would be better maybe consider someone coming to your home if you can bear it.

Poppysmom22 · 23/07/2023 19:13

If he's always been clean in the house you know how much he hates doing it inside. This is when I knew it was my boys time the look on his face when he couldn't make it to the door told me.

Soggysummer2023 · 23/07/2023 19:15

It sounds like he is uncomfortable and potentially in pain. I think it’s definitely time.

Justhereforthechristmasthreads · 23/07/2023 19:15

He sounds like he has no quality of life. It sounds like he is suffering from dementia too. I would ask the vet what they think before making a final decision, make sure to give them all the facts you have posted here. It's such a difficult choice to make. Only you know if he is telling you he is ready

ModerationInEverything · 23/07/2023 19:16

I read on here, better a week too early than a day too late, and I really think that's the kindest approach to take. He has been your friend for sixteen years, the right thing for him may be the hardest thing for you.
From what you say, it sounds like the time.
I'm so sorry, I know how difficult this is.

Intothewoodswithallthegoods · 23/07/2023 19:20

The snapping made it clear to me. It really does sound like it’s time.

With my beloved cat as his dementia developed it was obvious to me that as long as he could sleep on my bed at night and purr away on my lap during the day, all was right with the world as far as he was concerned.

Then one night he slept on the stairs and the next few days I could tell it was absolutely time to let him go.

It really does sound like your boy has dementia on top of his physical ailments and as a PP said has no quality of life. I’m so sorry OP.

Thelonelygiraffe · 23/07/2023 19:21

It sounds like it's time. Just 'eating' is not enough quality of life.

His teeth - how did they all get in such a state? Did that all happen recently? That alone must be so painful for him.

I'd talk to your vet, ask their opinion if your h is unwilling to have him PTS.

Original poster
Pippa12 · 23/07/2023 19:21

Thank you so much for your kind words, after the discussion with my husband I felt like I was wicked even thinking it.

My husband is not an unreasonable man, I know deep down he is struggling to come to terms with it.

He's been a belting dog, I’m heartbroken but I know what we need to do.

Thank you all again

OP posts:
Original poster
Pippa12 · 23/07/2023 19:24

@Thelonelygiraffe his teeth started to fall out over the past year or so, he’s had ‘dental treatments’ from the vets but couldn’t risk surgery. The vet said it was normal age related deterioration.

He is on pain relief daily.

OP posts:
pigsDOfly · 23/07/2023 19:25

Poor old chap.

It's hard, but he's been your good boy for 16 years. Now it sounds like he has no quality of life, could possibly be in pain and sound terribly confused.

Don't leave him like this until his body gives out. Let him go peacefully and calmly, you owe him that last kindness.

FatNoMoreSue · 23/07/2023 19:28

It sounds as if it was “time” a long time ago.

Don't wait until he’s clearly suffering just to make yourself feel better. Your husband should be ashamed. Let the poor dog go.

DramaAlpaca · 23/07/2023 19:29

It's time. I'm so sorry.

FFSwhatisthis · 23/07/2023 19:29

Does your DH think it's because you're fed up with the toileting inside, rather than for your lovely dogs benefit?

(Does DH do any of the cleaning up??)

Ask your DH what quality of life he thinks DDog has now...

I understand your DH just doesn't want to face it (who doesn't??), but ask him why DDOg should suffer because he can't face doing the kind thing.

Ask him why DDog dying in pain is preferable??

of course your DH doesn't think those things, but they will be the consequences if DH not stepping up & putting DDogs needs before his own wishes.

im so sorry, it's hard enough to do without disagreeing about it xx

FFSwhatisthis · 23/07/2023 19:31

Does DH understand how good dogs are at masking?

ReginaPhalangee · 23/07/2023 19:32

I am in this exact same predicament. Our lovely old girl is 15 now (we got her at 8 weeks old) and I recognise everything you are saying. My two DCs have never known life without her in it and I can't even begin to think how to start that conversation with them. I've been through this years before and it's true, you definitely do know when the time is right. My soft furnishings and bed are getting ruined by dog pee she doesn't realise she's doing when she's asleep. It's heartbreaking to think of what's ahead. Just like yours, she is still the greediest and hungriest dog ever!

TheCrowFromBelow · 23/07/2023 19:34

I left it too late with the cat. Promised myself we won’t with the dog, and echo better a week to early than too late.
Just Eating and walking isn’t life. Wagging, sniffing, bouncing, chasing… that’s life.

TheCrowFromBelow · 23/07/2023 19:35

Flowers Sad to you and your very Good Boy

Aquamarine1029 · 23/07/2023 19:37

Your poor dog is in pain and his quality of life is gone. It was time a while ago, I'm afraid.

Anniegetyourgun · 23/07/2023 19:46

Poor little dog - and poor you - but really, this is not kind or loving. There's no way he is ever going to get better, is there? Only worse. Do the only thing you can do for your old friend now and let him go peacefully.

Not that I encourage or condone domestic violence at any time, but your DH needs a swift kick in the shins if he carries on being wilfully blind to the little chap's suffering.

Trundlebus · 23/07/2023 19:46

You could have been describing my darling cat who died two weeks ago. My cat was on thyroid medication since last year with only limited results. He ate like a horse but was skin and bone towards the end.He was 17 years old. It's the most shitty part of having a beloved animal in our lives that there comes a time when you know the time is right, I know he's at peace but doesn't stop it hurting like hell.

McaRoonie · 23/07/2023 20:05

My girl was only 7. She started to bark in the night for no reason, started to scratch the door. We didn’t know what was wrong.
Found out she had cancer- lots of cancerous tumours that they couldn’t operate on. She was still eating and drinking.
they told us it would be cruel not to put her to sleep- there was nothing we could do.
I don’t think it’s always the case that they are eating and drinking is a reason to keep them alive. I’m so sorry for you. It’s awful. Takes a long time to get over. Broke our hearts.

Original poster
Pippa12 · 23/07/2023 20:07

Thank you for you kind words. I will speak again to my husband.

If I’m fair to him he does help with the cleaning up after him. In fact he does the lions share of dog duties, always has. The dog and my DH have always had a very strong bond. He’s also never had a pet (not even a fish) whereas I’ve been here before. He’s a good and kind man, but I admit his kindness is misplaced in this instance, I think he knows deep down.

My children have also never known a life without our boy. In fact, I can barely remember life without him.

Lots of love to those who’ve lost their fury friends, it really is so agonising to watch.

OP posts:
Catusrusty · 23/07/2023 20:17

My heart goes out to you OP, it very much sounds like it is indeed time.

If you can afford it can I recommend cloud 9 vets? When I had to have my beloved pet put to sleep, they came to the house. All the family were round him. He hated the veterinary surgery, instead he died lying on a soft rug in front of a roaring fire with all of him family sat on the floor around him.

It was still so hard to let go, but knowing he was in his safe place helped immeasurably.

unvillage · 23/07/2023 20:23

Better a week too soon than a day too late. He sounds like he's miserable. It's time, I'm sorry.

MouseMinge · 23/07/2023 21:04

I understand why your husband doesn't want to do it yet but you are right. It is time. It's so bloody hard and whenever I've had to do it I've always felt horribly guilty, worried that it's too soon, too late, too anything. It sounds like the poor thing has dementia, your dog, not your husband, and it will only get worse. Sending you so much love, this is the trouble with our beautiful boys and girls, their life span and ours don't match. Take care, and give him lots of love and cuddles now that you've made your decision. He'll be grateful that you're letting him go.