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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse to look after a family members children as well as my own in the school holidays

44 replies

TTOformykidsonly · 23/07/2023 18:22

Myself and a family member (not a sibling) currently have an arrangement that we have each others DC for one day a week during the hols.

I am changing my work hours to term time only. AIBU to not provide the childcare for my family members DC’s during the hols?

My thoughts are I’m taking a pay cut to spend more time with my own DC’s not to look after other children/provide free childcare.

OP posts:
Shinyandnew1 · 23/07/2023 18:24

Of course you are not unreasonable. When did you get the job/when do you start? If they are relying on you, they’ll need time to make alternative plans so that’s obviously a conversation I would have had with them as soon as I knew.

Shoemadlady · 23/07/2023 18:24

You could continue with the agreement for this summer holiday to not leave them in the lurch, they could still have yours too and you could do something nice by yourself for the day or something? Just let them know that as you're now TTO that this will be the last time you make this agreement x

MargaretThursday · 23/07/2023 18:24

I would keep with the one day each a week. You do them a favour, and you get a day free for yourself.
But I would refuse to do more as a general rule, and say that you took a pay cut to spend more time with your dc.

Swingwhenyourewinning · 23/07/2023 18:25

Tbh I would keep the arrangement in place it does kids good to socialise and it gives you a day to your self too sort the house out / shopping etc etc

DisforDarkChocolate · 23/07/2023 18:25

Would your children enjoy a day with the children each week?

Would you enjoy a day on your own each week? (This would be a massive yes from me).

Original poster
TTOformykidsonly · 23/07/2023 18:25

Shoemadlady · 23/07/2023 18:24

You could continue with the agreement for this summer holiday to not leave them in the lurch, they could still have yours too and you could do something nice by yourself for the day or something? Just let them know that as you're now TTO that this will be the last time you make this agreement x

oh I wouldn’t leave them in the lurch, my change in hours starts in the new school year so they would have until October half term to make arrangements so plenty of notice

OP posts:
PenguinLove1 · 23/07/2023 18:26

Would you still do the one day a week you did to help them before?

artium · 23/07/2023 18:26

YANBU. It's one of the pitfalls of this type of childcare arrangement. If you no longer need the childcare then there's no benefit to you. Family member can pay for holiday club like anyone else.

IhearyouClemFandango · 23/07/2023 18:26

I would carry on having them a day a week.

MamaGhina · 23/07/2023 18:26

I hear you! I took a pay cut for a term time only role. I get so fed up of people saying “I’m so lucky” to have this time off and then asking for childcare.
I’m not lucky, I sacrificed loads to go term time!
YANBU.

Mumofsend · 23/07/2023 18:28

I'd keep the arrangement.

AuntieStella · 23/07/2023 18:29

You'd be very unreasonable to make the change now, just as the holidays are starting, potentially leaving that family's plans in considerable disarray.

Renegotiate as suits you, for the future and with plenty of warning.

But I'd recommend not changing, or at least not until you have ben in the job a while and are confident it'll work out as expected. Never burn bridges precipitately

Invisimamma · 23/07/2023 18:31

Are their kids a pain in the arse? Do they make it difficult to do things with your own children?

It might work in your favour to contribute arrangement because then you'll get a child-free day during the holidays too.

Original poster
TTOformykidsonly · 23/07/2023 18:31

AuntieStella · 23/07/2023 18:29

You'd be very unreasonable to make the change now, just as the holidays are starting, potentially leaving that family's plans in considerable disarray.

Renegotiate as suits you, for the future and with plenty of warning.

But I'd recommend not changing, or at least not until you have ben in the job a while and are confident it'll work out as expected. Never burn bridges precipitately

I should have said this will be starting in the new school year and also I’m not changing job roles just changing my hours.

OP posts:
continentallentil · 23/07/2023 18:32

With notice it’s fine.

But I think personally I’d carry on - you get a day to yourself that way

Approaching · 23/07/2023 18:34

Good that you’re thinking about it with notice for them.

Personally I’d definitely keep the day, very helpful to have a day to yourself and good for the kids to have company. Presumably you’ve given up any additional annual leave for this arrangement? So you might find that day a week helpful.

But overall no, it’s your time and your choice.

Original poster
TTOformykidsonly · 23/07/2023 18:36

Invisimamma · 23/07/2023 18:31

Are their kids a pain in the arse? Do they make it difficult to do things with your own children?

It might work in your favour to contribute arrangement because then you'll get a child-free day during the holidays too.

They are lovely but they are 2.5 and 4 but usual age related tantrums etc my kids are a bit older.

Also because I have 4 kids on the day I have them I can’t fit them all in my car due to all needing car seats (can’t fit 3 in the back) which means we can’t go anywhere. I don’t have a garden space or any parks/ green space nearby so essentially trapped in with 4 kids which can be difficult at times.

OP posts:
Caffeineislife · 23/07/2023 18:39

With the amount of notice you are planning on giving it will be fine.

artium · 23/07/2023 18:49

If her dcs are so much younger it's already an unequal arrangement tbh. Childcare for a 2.5yo is much more demanding and costs more than for a child over 4.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 23/07/2023 18:49

If your children enjoy it, why not keep the current arrangement? Or just cut down a bit rather than stopping entirely.

Anothernamethesamegame · 23/07/2023 19:05

You are giving plenty of notice so I don’t see any issue with telling them you won’t have their children over school holidays anymore.

Only issue might be that they discontinue the term time childcare share and seek an option for their children that continues over holidays. Would you manage without their childcare one day a week in term time?

goodkidsmaadhouse · 23/07/2023 19:08

If the day is a nightmare for you then I can see why you’re doing this but personally I’d try really hard to make it work.
Is one of your DC old enough to sit in the front? Or can you all get a bus somewhere?

WeWereInParis · 23/07/2023 19:11

Not remotely unreasonable. I can see that some people might want to continue a one day a week arrangement because of the benefits of a child free day to get stuff done. But I don't think you'd be unreasonable to not do that.

Original poster
TTOformykidsonly · 23/07/2023 19:20

goodkidsmaadhouse · 23/07/2023 19:08

If the day is a nightmare for you then I can see why you’re doing this but personally I’d try really hard to make it work.
Is one of your DC old enough to sit in the front? Or can you all get a bus somewhere?

My 7 year old could fit in the the front but I still can’t get 3 car seats across the back. I think the bus with a 2.5, 4, 5 and 7 year old would be difficult for me to handle, especially when I’m used to just 2 DC.

OP posts:
Original poster
TTOformykidsonly · 23/07/2023 19:21

my DC are in school during term time

OP posts:
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