Boyfriend made what I thought was a really insensitive comment

[NowIWalkUnderAPinkSky]

I’ve been having a really hard time recently for various reasons. My boyfriend has been really good and supportive. Yesterday I was having a much needed little cry, and he was cuddling me.

I said “life is just really hard sometimes”. My boyfriend said “only if you let it”. I asked him how he can say something like that. He apologised as he said he was tired and didn’t mean it to sound as bad as it did, but also he doesn’t believe in “cliches about life being hard and just need to make the best of situations”.
I said it wasn’t true because life IS hard, things like money and grief and mental health etc make it hard. And I said I didn’t believe in cliches such as “life is what you make it” etc.

Am I wrong to be annoyed

Yeah I agree.

He made an off the cuff comment in awkward situation- chill

You will ruin your relationship if you carry on like this. You need to learn to take comments the way they are intended and not to expect perfection from your boyfriend.

Sorry but you need to appreciate him trying to be support, what a complete none issue

Hmmm sort of a reaction I expect from someone who thrives on drama and playing the victim. Maybe reflect on that, it may explain some of the events in your life

I think unfortunately OP, the fact that you see this as an issue gives a bit of an impression about you - that you may have a tendancy to be over sensitive and quick to see negativity in things. Most people would not be annoyed to the extent you are over this, if at all.
If that's reflective of your personality in general, he may be getting a bit fed up If he's a more positive type.

You don't get to decide what is and what isn't an ",utter non-event" to someone else.

What you can learn from this thread is that there are quite a lot of people who like to kick someone when they're down.
But your BF isn't one of them

It was a non-event, most people would have been over it in the time it took to write out the OP.

It’s a mildly annoying comment, not worth getting bent out of shape about.

If you generally have very differing world views, then that you will have to address

I don't wish to be mean but you're making this situation much harder than it needs to be so maybe he's got a point.

You can always find fault with any comment when your determined to look for it

This. My SIL and her family are a family of permanent victims. Everything is a trauma that is cruelly foisted on them. You need to look at what is happening in your life. Could you have predicted that some of the things that have happened were going to happen and headed them off. Could you look for solutions instead of having a crisis. Things happen. Unless they are likely to kill you there is absolutely always a way to deal with it. Always. A short cry is fine. Then gather yourself up ,put the kettle on and work out how to deal with it.

Honestly it also depends what your struggles are. If they are fairly run of the mill eg cost of living, mild ill health, job not going well, then he's got a point! If for example your mum is dying of cancer, then it's an insensitive comment.

Well I don't think he's wrong tbh, lots things happen to lots of people every day, for the most part we as people can dictate the outcome and change our mindsets to overcome shit day.... I. E tomorrow is another day, if you're in debt you can get out of it, if someone close has died the grieving will get easier etc etc etc....

My partner says things like this too,I’m a hopeless over thinker and he’s so laid back we are total opposites.
He says it in the vein that I’m allowing it to upset me and he is there to support me and not let things upset me.
I think you either understand sadness or You don’t and empathising is the closest they get to recognising our sadness.

I agree.

It can be hard when someone is moaning all the time. I have a friend who is a debbie downer, always moaning, always negative. It's difficult. There are only so many times you can listen to the same negativity and you sometimes run out of responses to it. I do often feel like telling her to change her perspective but that wouldn't go down well with her. Just as it hasn't with you.

Yes, just what is the appropriate response to that comment, particularly if it's a reccuring theme?

I know a couple of people like this too. They really take their own feelings too seriously and think they are entitled to endless support from others. Without fail, they struggle to hold down relationships.

It was a moronic comment on the face of it, but as others have said, context is all here, and if he’s been endlessly supportive during bad times, and/or you’re someone who has needed a lot of support, and/or you aren’t resilient in comparatively minor crises, it may be understandable.

Are you wallowing? He may have been gently trying to pull you up a little.

I don't think he's wrong, necessarily.

Being honest, how much have you been depending on him/crying on recently? Maybe he's getting a bit sick of it, in the nicest way.

@ErrolTheDragon I totally agree, some very harsh responses on here.

TBH I would be a bit irritated by your boyfriend’s viewpoint also, especially if I was dealing with very real and serious life problems such as a recent death in your close family etc. And if he doesn’t have much personal experience of real problems himself.

And I do see this as a bit of “toxic positivity psychology” basically. Sometimes life IS shit, awful things do happen to good people through no fault of their own and it’s ok to acknowledge that we are sad about it and having a hard time as a consequence without someone swooping in with toxic positivity platitudes such as “life is what you make of it”. There is of course an element of truth to this but it’s also true that if your mum has just died from cancer, that’s shit and upsetting and you can’t change that with any amount of positive thinking…

Having said that it does sound like he’s generally trying to be kind and helpful and supportive even if he’s saying all the wrong things! It can be difficult to say the right thing to someone who is depressed to grieving etc. And people often put their foot in their mouth completely and say insensitive things, but it’s much better that they try to say something in support of you than avoid you because they don’t know what to say.

I’ve learned to look a lot more at people’s intentions and dwell less on what they’re actually saying in such a situation, just know that they care about you, they mean well and they’re trying to help. Listen to the stuff you find helpful and just filter out the annoying platitudes that wind you up. If it’s a recurring issue from someone as close to you as a partner it might be worth warning them to try to avoid the sort of things that wind you up when you’re in crisis mode, but try not to blame them. Some attempt at support is better than none, however clumsy. The person and the attempt at empathy and support is more important that what they’re actually saying in my opinion. There are some things that are just so upsetting that nothing anyone can say can make it feel better anyway.

Haha true. OP is making a mountain out of a molehill and the poor guy is probably tired of her moaning all the time