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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Child’s Passport

27 replies

Sophie89j · 23/07/2023 16:45

So basically my teenage daughter moved to live with her father a few months ago and she is now asking for her passport.

She’s stated it’s to change her address with the bank which I replied I’d happily meet her at the bank or take her to change her address if she wants as I am not willing to handover an important government document to a teenager and her father.

She’s now claiming she needs it to go to Spain in August which I replied you’ll need to renew it anyway because of the new expiry rules etc as it runs out soon.

Her father then demanded the passport which we declined and he is now threatening to phone the police.

I paid for the passport and if she had just told the truth to begin with I’d have given it to her but it’s the principal that she’s lied about it on my opinion.

The reason she’s moved to her fathers is because of her lying resulting in device confiscation so I feel getting her to lie about it just shows that he’s saying lying is okay.

So AIBU? I should have given them the passport straight away?
or
IANBU? Should have been truthful from
the beginning?

OP posts:

ExtraOnions · 23/07/2023 16:51

How old is she “teenager” covers from Child to Adult. ?

HappyGoLuckyLuLu · 23/07/2023 16:51

Why wouldn't you give them the passport? They'll have to pay for the renewal and it's her passport not yours. Do you not want her to travel? Honestly I think yabu

bibbityboppityboo · 23/07/2023 16:52

Might be unpopular, but although you paid for it, it's her passport. It's not your responsibility to hold onto an "important government document".

I don't see how refusing to hand it over to her is going to improve the relationship with her? She might have needed it to change the address and also needed it to go on holiday. It just sounds like you're trying to punish her for the sake of it to an outsider.

Readyplayerthr33 · 23/07/2023 16:54

It belongs to her, not you. She doesn’t live with you anymore. She lives with another person with parental responsibility, her father. If she wants her passport then you give her her passport. You’re totally out of order here.

If you have fears that he will remove her from the country and not return her then that is different and you should involve solicitors. But it doesn’t sound as though that is the case.

Give her her passport. Let them deal with the renewal.

Taylorswiftly23 · 23/07/2023 16:55

How old is she?
YABU and a control freak. It’s HER passport. And if it needs to be renewed that’s her and her dads problem to sort.

Original poster

Sophie89j · 23/07/2023 16:57

She’s 14 and all I want is the truth from her. If she had been truthful I’d have happily given it to her.

OP posts:

endofthelinefinally · 23/07/2023 16:59

Just give her the passport and tell her it is up to her to deal with renewing it. One less thing for you to do. She will have to read all the rules and regulations, organises a digital photo and code, apply online and pay the £80. She will have to go to the post office and send the old one recorded delivery to the passport office.
It will be good experience for her and her dad in taking grown up responsibility.
Depending on when they are planning to travel they will have to check what extra paperwork they need, as well as a passport with 6 months left on it, now that we are post Brexit.

cakecoffeecakecoffee · 23/07/2023 17:00

Honestly, she doesn’t live with you anymore and the parent she lives with should have it. Sounds like you’re using it as some kind of leverage.

YukoandHiro · 23/07/2023 17:00

You can't decline to give it to her. It belongs to her. It should be with her wherever she is living.

Taylorswiftly23 · 23/07/2023 17:00

Sophie89j · 23/07/2023 16:57

She’s 14 and all I want is the truth from her. If she had been truthful I’d have happily given it to her.

Do you ever wonder why she might struggle to be honest with you?

ExtraOnions · 23/07/2023 17:01

Your relationship with your daughter is clearly strained, she felt the need to lie, so the question is why did she feel the need to lie?

It feels like you want to extend some sort of control over her, but all that will do is drive her further away.

endofthelinefinally · 23/07/2023 17:02

You had better give it to her ASAP or you will be blamed if she can't travel. She will need to get on and do it now.

Cerealkillerontheloose · 23/07/2023 17:04

Why won’t you give it to her?

I think you might find yourself in hot water if they go to the police or whatnot

its not yours.

vivainsomnia · 23/07/2023 17:04

I suspect she lied because she expected you had an issue with her going to Spain.

It's easy to say you'd have done something after the person lied. Maybe you would have thought differently at the time.

PuttingDownRoots · 23/07/2023 17:04

Give it to her before you ruin your relationship further. Youu have a point about lying but sometimes its better to to be the reasonable person rather than appear to be spiteful

Readyplayerthr33 · 23/07/2023 17:05

Sophie89j · 23/07/2023 16:57

She’s 14 and all I want is the truth from her. If she had been truthful I’d have happily given it to her.

But it sounds like it was the truth. She needs ID to go into the bank and change her address, you refused to hand it over as you deemed that not good enough. So she has given further information about also wanting to travel.

But, bottom line, she doesn’t need to give you those excuses or information. She lives with her dad. She should have her ID in her place of residence. She wants to change her address at the bank and doesn’t need you to keep hold of her passport afterwards, which you clearly intended to do. She also wants to go on holiday with the parent she lives with.

Hand the passport over. Her first reason was enough but you refused. Her second reason is even more enough. Hand it over.

StillWantingADog · 23/07/2023 17:05

I’d be calling her out on why didn’t she be honest about why she wanted it but of course I’d hand it over. She’s not going to be happy if it needs renewing and there’s no time.
if she loses it then it’s her/her dad’s responsibility not yours.
or are you worried her dad will not bring her back to the UK? That would be an entirely different discussion.

canpinkydance · 23/07/2023 17:06

You're being an absolute dick OP.

Give her her passport.

LeggyLinda · 23/07/2023 17:12

It’s her passport. Give it to her.
Stop trying to control her by withholding documents and stop using her as a pawn. This will only backfire and drive her further away from you

MintJulia · 23/07/2023 17:24

Err, it's HER passport, not yours.

And you wonder why she left! Maybe stop trying to control her. She's 14, not 4. Try encouraging her, talking about where in Spain and what she will do there.

Hankunamatata · 23/07/2023 17:27

Just give her dad the passport

FarmGirl78 · 23/07/2023 17:31

She's made a perfectly reasonable request - to have her own passport in her possession in the house she lives in. You've said no to this. If you're saying no and being so controlling over little, reasonable requests then no wonder she lied to you. If you're so controlling over her trying to change her back address it sounds like she had good reason to worry over something more significant such as going on holiday with her Father. No wonder she lies to you. I'd do exactly the same in your shoes.

If I was your husband I'd also be taking you to family court as they can make an order about who holds a the child's passport.

You're being a dick. Stop it.

UpaladderwatchingTV · 23/07/2023 17:39

OP, I voted you are not BU as she lied to you about her reason for wanting the passport, and obviously has a history of lying to you, so I can totally understand you want to punish her for this. However, as you say, it is an important legal document, and should be held by the adult that she lives with, so you have to hand it over I'm afraid.

Walruswithbraces · 23/07/2023 17:42

It's her passport. I can't think why she's gone to live with her dad...

Original poster

Sophie89j · 23/07/2023 18:14

Look I know I was unreasonable not giving it to her but at the same time I want her to learn that lying is not okay.
The reason she went to live with her dad who hadn’t tried to contact her in nearly two years was because my partner and I confiscated her devices as a result of her sexting anyone she could. The second she left for his house he gave her a brand new phone.
Her father was abusive towards myself and our son 12, so much so DS is terrified of him. TBH I didn’t really know how to react when her father banged on my front door demanding her passport, I just stood my ground as I was never able to do so while with him through fear.
Thanks for all the responses though.

OP posts:

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