Want to be awkward with ex about child access

[Str3bor]

Split up with ex 3 years ago, he is very bitter and unable to be amicable even for the kids sake despite me trying. We have DD14 and DS11, he has them 2 nights per week.

He has dictated most of the access as he has a job where he works shifts (2 days, 2 nights, 4 off). The way his shifts work mean he only has them 2 weekends in every 10 weeks. He also dictates what times he drops them off and picks them up. I have mostly gone along with it as I have tried to make things as easy for the kids as possible and I want them to see their dad even though it doesn’t really work for me.

We have just been on holiday for a week and got home yesterday, today is supposed to be his day to have the kids and he hasn’t seen them since the Thursday before we went, he text me yesterday saying he is away so he won’t be having them. I have plans today as I will usually make plans around the days I don’t have them, I now have to cancel my plans with little notice which I am really annoyed about. I told him it wasn’t fair but for him to tell me the day before and expect me to cancel my plans to suit him, I got a response saying life isn’t fair. The kids are also disappointed as they haven’t seen their dad and were looking forward to seeing him. This is not the first time this has happened either.

he often also gets the kids minded on his only 2 weekends in every 10 as he wants to go out. I’ve also asked him to change the drop off time from 7pm to 6pm as I can get them on my way home from work but he won’t so instead I have to go home and come back out to get them as he won’t drop them at home as he says it’s too far away for him.

I’m really annoyed but he knows it gets to me so that’s why he does it. I really want to tell him fine but I’ll let you know when you can next see the kids but think I’m then stooping to his level and impacting the kids but I’m really fed up of him.

Am I being unreasonable?

At those ages, can they not arrange contact with the man themselves with minimal input from you?

You are not being unreasonable, he sounds a complete pain, but I think you should do your best to grit your teeth for the sake of the kids. In a few years they can organise it (or not) themselves.

Your children enjoy being with him and want to go?

surely at least your DD is acutely aware that her father is behaving like this?

public transport not an option?

At that age can you not go out and leave them at home and just cut your plans shorter but still go?

DD started arranging her own contact with her dad as soon as she turned 12, I just ask that she let's me know if they are different to normal so that I can plan for it and put anything immovable, visits to the theatre, family events etc in her Google calendar so she knows not to book in time with him then. She's started cancelling plans with him occasionally in favour of spending time with her friends now anyway.

I’ve also asked him to change the drop off time from 7pm to 6pm

just ask your children to be ready to go at 6? 😐

From your phrasing, if he's bitter, that suggests to me you dumped him and thus split up a family you chose to create. Correct me if I'm wrong and he left you. If you chose to leave...You have to get over it and let him see his children when he can.

It wouldn't be acceptable for him to limit child support so I don't suggest you limit access.

I think its irrelevant why you split up, he is being a dick. I would out a stop to picking the kids up, if he wants to see them then he can pick them up and drop them back off. If he wont then you will collect them when it suits you. If he has an issue with this he can take you to court.

It is relevant why you split up, as that will be the driving force behind his thoughts and actions.

@Addicted2Kale has somone rattled your cage? You have amazing extrapolation skills - shame you had to make up some of the facts...

Yes I’m sure the ex was a paragon of virtue, devoted to family life and the evil OP just on a whim decided to tear his life apart. 🙄

The OP has been trying to accommodate him, but just needs to suck it up more and lie flatter. How dare she express he annoyance at him cancelling at the last minute.

Sorry OP. Don’t know what to suggest. But maybe be a little less accommodating.

E.g. the 7pm drop off, are you meeting halfway. Or from his house. Is there a way you can collect them that suits you better? Eg just turn up, or stay longer at work?

Can the children not make their own way to him and back?

can you not sit the children down and tell them you can’t keep being the only one to do the pick up and drop offs, and you’re happy for them to arrange to see their father and arrange to come home whenever they want. Agree with your children when you’ll be nearby to pick them up from their fathers.

I’d not bother messaging him at all.

A 14 and 11yo should not have the responsibility of arranging their own contact time, the pressure this puts on kids in huge so I have no idea why anyone would think this is appropriate! He sounds like a total PITA and I can understand how frustrated you are but if there is any way you can bear it I would try and be the bigger person for now - your kids will remember it.

I wouldn't be doing the dropping off and picking up.

Well I would offer on my way past and if he says no then let him sort it out.

Can your ex put in his contact into a shared calendar and then your children can arrange with you or ask him to pick them up to his and you arrange to pick them up from his. You can directly message your dc and tell them to be ready when you’re in the vicinity.

I would tell him you can pick up at 6 and that's it. If he won't do this he can drop them home himself. I would start standing up for myself. Do it in writing via text or email. Be polite but firm. E.g. I am able to collect the children to save you dropping them yourself but can only do this at 6pm on my way home. Otherwise you may of course drop them at a time of your choosing.
If he sends back a rant or refusal repeat if original message. Knock on door at 6pm. If he refuses go home and wait.

Well if he cannot be an adult and be fair then just leave him to arrange his own relationship with his kids.

At those ages I would leave them at home if you have plans. If you have just got back from holiday they will probably appreciate a relaxed day. I would also just leave them to make the arrangements between themselves more at this stage as well. Make him less relevant to your life.

I think at 14 I wouldn't stop making the arrangements for them as that would be tough on your daughter. I would however start to involve her in the planning as she will want to see friends / have exam prep coming up etc. she will want to work around.

I'd leave it now for.him to contact you. When he dictates he'll pick up at X respond with what works for you all. So ok X day is fine but you'll need to collect from Y or at Z time. Or fine, I'll pick up at 6pm. If he says no it's 7pm say, that's fine but you'll need to bring them home I'm only available at 6pm. Include the kids in what he's asked (see it as asked and not a given) what you are going to respond and why.

You need.to start pushing back on his twatty behaviour. If he says no.to 6pm pick up tell him that's fine he can either drop them off or keep them an extra day. He will change his tune then

Addicted2kale It doesnt make any difference "who chose to split up" These days most are no fault divorces anyway.I dont understand your reasoning.The Ex is behaving like a Dick .If he wants to see the DC he needs to fit in .OP has a right to her own life!

Agree on a pattern and that's it. No swapping. No helping him out. Go to court if you need to to get it fixed.

OK bloke

This. Say you’re collecting at 6 otherwise he can drop back when convenient for him. Don’t give him a choice in the matter, if necessary the kids can stay their until 6pm the following night.

Thanks everyone for your replies. Both my kids are actually annoyed with him as he didn’t tell them he was going away and they assumed they were seeing him and were looking forward to seeing him, they were asking me questions so I just said I don’t know ask your dad. DD is aware what he is like but she puts a lot of pressure on me to do what he asks.

i’m just going to refuse to meet halfway now with the pick up, I will pick them up at 6 on my way home or he can drop them off.

my only other issue is that in the past I have tried to do this he just drops them off at my parents instead which by where he lives so then I’ve got to go and collect them from there.

I would explain to your parents what's been happening, and ask if they can arrange to be out between 6 and 8 that evening.