Want to be awkward with ex about child access

[Str3bor]

Split up with ex 3 years ago, he is very bitter and unable to be amicable even for the kids sake despite me trying. We have DD14 and DS11, he has them 2 nights per week.

He has dictated most of the access as he has a job where he works shifts (2 days, 2 nights, 4 off). The way his shifts work mean he only has them 2 weekends in every 10 weeks. He also dictates what times he drops them off and picks them up. I have mostly gone along with it as I have tried to make things as easy for the kids as possible and I want them to see their dad even though it doesn’t really work for me.

We have just been on holiday for a week and got home yesterday, today is supposed to be his day to have the kids and he hasn’t seen them since the Thursday before we went, he text me yesterday saying he is away so he won’t be having them. I have plans today as I will usually make plans around the days I don’t have them, I now have to cancel my plans with little notice which I am really annoyed about. I told him it wasn’t fair but for him to tell me the day before and expect me to cancel my plans to suit him, I got a response saying life isn’t fair. The kids are also disappointed as they haven’t seen their dad and were looking forward to seeing him. This is not the first time this has happened either.

he often also gets the kids minded on his only 2 weekends in every 10 as he wants to go out. I’ve also asked him to change the drop off time from 7pm to 6pm as I can get them on my way home from work but he won’t so instead I have to go home and come back out to get them as he won’t drop them at home as he says it’s too far away for him.

I’m really annoyed but he knows it gets to me so that’s why he does it. I really want to tell him fine but I’ll let you know when you can next see the kids but think I’m then stooping to his level and impacting the kids but I’m really fed up of him.

Am I being unreasonable?

split up a family you chose to create haha - wow, how long ago were you dunped?

Op

at 14 you need to engage with your daughter. She is more than old enough to say at 5.30 to her brother - start getting your stuff together as we’re meeting mum outside at 6

I'm sorry, he sounds a pain.

If he won't agree to 6pm, I'd be tempted to turn up at his and sit on the doorstep with a folding chair, and book and some headphones until the kids are ready to go. Maybe you could ask him for the wifi password and a cup of tea, just to put his blood pressure up 😂. Tell him that unfortunately col increase means you can't afford the petrol for a round trip, but if he'd like to increase his maintenance payments...?

Tell your parents to not answer the door/go out. Better still come to yours 🤣

I really want to tell him fine but I’ll let you know when you can next see the kids but think I’m then stooping to his level and impacting the kids but I’m really fed up of him

He won’t care, he will just tell the kids you are stopping him and you will lose your 2 nights free every 10 weeks.

That’s all well and good but they won’t want to do that all the time or turn down their grandkids

My ex used to do this all the time, I'm sure as a control issue.
If he got wind I'd made plans on the rare occasion he'd agree to see them, he would cancel last minute
He also dictated when he dropped them home as knew I would go home to meet him.
Its incredibly frustrating but what can you do.

I’ve spoken to my dad about this and he just says they are my grandkids, I’m not going to turn them away, maybe I’ll invite them for tea on his drop off nights 🤣

No. Not nice for children to witness and dragging in other people is unfair

He sounds like a pita. He also sounds like he has a job that isn't family-friendly, and why is he going out on his child days?
We've always had flexibility in our co-parenting. So for instance, drop-off times cover a portion of the day, not an exact time, days dropped or changed at short notice are accepted without quibble. It's made the whole process easier.

Given we’re talking about 2 weeks in every 10, why not make it that ex does drop kids at grandparent. You go to theirs to collect and coincide with a family dinner with grandparents?

sorry probably not very clear, he has them twice a week but due to his shift pattern it moves one day it’s week so I tend to have them most weekends , was sort of just making a point that when it falls to his weekends he gets them minded and goes out.

I have no issue with having the kids or being flexible, I always try to be but it’s not reciprocated. I don’t resent him having a holiday either and have no issue with having them, just don’t appreciate him telling me the day before.

Bit confused now but 🤷‍♀️

You don’t seem to want to engage with your 14 year old about it and really that is the only option

good luck

so he actually has them 2 nights every week?

Yes we just work around his shift pattern so he never has to sort them out while he’s working.

my 14 year old does make arrangements directly with him but if I say I’m not dropping you off your dad will have to get you she goes mad at me

They are both aware that he is a pita, I just wanted to figure out how to handle it so I feel like he’s not walking all over me without the kids coming in the middle. I will never stop them seeing him but I’m just going to take the view now if you want to see them you pick them up and drop them off at their house or don’t see them, they have a key so I don’t need to be home for pick up or drop off and I don’t want to be involved. I’m not going out of my way now to accommodate his demands. I’ll offer to get them if I’m passing from work at whatever time that is but that’s it now.

You need to make it clear to your DD that you are no longer doing drop offs and pick ups and she needs to factor that into arrangements she makes.

Cool, calm, factually.

I suspect he will pick up and refuse to drop back. Arrange with your DC when to collect them.

Your daughter is clearly close to him.

Is there a chance that she wants to live with him?

will never stop them seeing him

at these ages, even if you wanted to, you couldn’t

how far away do you live from your ex? And public transport out of the question?

this is all about control isn't it (my ex is the same), and as you say, you don't want to put the kids in the middle.

I keep very quiet about my plans whilst the DC are with their dad, so there is no chance of him suddenly finding he's unavailable to mess up my free time. I don't even tell the DC what I'm doing, and as I'm available on the mobile at all times (and 99% of the time not far away) no one needs to know.

With regard to picking the kids up, if your dad is willing to have them for tea then go with that as it'll make life easier all round - yes for your XH included, which is annoying, but it also takes the wind out of his sails re control. It won't be long before the DC can make their own arrangements including travel, so for now just go with the least stressful option.

They will be working out he's a PITA, if they haven't already, so just leave that to run its course, and then when they can't be bothered to see him it'll be 100% his fault and you can enjoy telling him so.

She actually doesn’t want to live with him, she just wants to keep the peace and looks to me to do that. I’m very conscious of how all this has affected her, he has put her in the middle of things and she has cried to me about him. For example he blamed her for not packing her brothers things up to bring home - she was 13 at the time and imo it was not her job, he puts a lot of pressure on her.

if he chooses not to bring them back he can keep them until he does - I’m 100% that would put the shits up him

We live a 25 minute drive and not easily accessible by public transport - there is no direct route, would require 2 trains or 2 buses

This.