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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think they shouldn’t get a dog

46 replies

LabelleLabelle · 23/07/2023 09:57

My brother is a single dad with 2 primary aged DC and he has promised to get them a dog. I had a dog who I know they loved although they only saw Ddog occasionally and they were not really that great around Ddog. They did not listen when I told them ddogs boundaries and would always invade his space but as he was a good dog he was tolerant but I was always v nervous about it. I was always ddogs advocate due to this mismatch and tried to teach the DC dog body language but I’m not sure this worked so I would judge it and constantly watch and put Ddog away from them for everyone’s sake if they visited and it wasn’t going well. I think DB thought I was just being annoying doing this and being uptight.

My Ddog was a rescue when I got him so wasn’t trained by me from a puppy and had his own dog instinct habits and behaviours, like not leaving dropped food (and getting sick from it sometimes) and barking at other dogs on walks. DB thinks a puppy will be different. Whilst I agree to some extent you can train a puppy this will not work if the DC think it’s their dog, as they will expect to train it to do what they want it to do and it’s going to cause tension.

All the Dc ever wanted to do is hold the dogs lead, kiss the dog on the head, cuddle the dog, pick up the dog and make the dog play with them but on a couple of occasions they dropped the lead I had to be the big bad Aunty and say they couldn’t hold the lead anymore as they were not old or responsible enough and didn’t listen. They also would over excite dog or not realise when he had enough and was tired and keep trying and trying to make ddog play when he didn’t want to. They would drop food on the floor all the time or wander around eating food when I asked them to be careful. They were not able to just sit with the dog near them they had to always touch it or make him play. They are just kids I know I am explaining that it was a big job to be in between ddog and the DC.

DB has also dog sat another dog for a short while so he thinks they are ready to get a dog as the DC enjoyed it. Yes they just enjoyed walking the dogs mostly and holding a lead and throwing a ball. They squabbled and whinged about taking turns to hold the lead all the time. DB lives in an apartment which I think is not a good idea either. I’ve told DB you should never get your children a dog, it would be his dog and his responsibility. they need constant adult supervision all the time and to be properly trained by an adult not by small DC to be their kissing and play toy the dog can end up with undesirable habits and behaviours. dogs have instincts some of which you will never fully train out of them so it’s a constant job to be reminding the dog of what you are asking (to leave something you don’t want it to have).

Dogs need far more than unconfident and unskilled lead walks by DC who don’t understand dogs and it could be really dangerous for the DC and the dog. Dogs also sleep a lot, need their own space and are not always wanting to play and the novelty will wear off leaving DB with another child to deal with. Dogs are also expensive to care for and Db doesn’t really have that much money. He doesn’t really want to listen to me though 😟

OP posts:
WhatHasHeDone · 23/07/2023 10:02

Do you realise that multiple DDog is a lot hard to read than just DOG?

Your DB will do what he wants regardless of your opinion by the sounds of it. I feel sorry for any dog they get, but there’s no point repeatedly telling him your views.

QueenoftheNimbleFlyingCat · 23/07/2023 10:09

I agree with you about not getting a dog in an apartment and how hard work they are but you've said your piece and if DB isn't going to listen then there isn't much more you can do.

Luxell934 · 23/07/2023 10:11

Dear dog 😂Only on mumsnet

LabelleLabelle · 23/07/2023 10:13

sorry, my dog passed away not long ago and I am still grieving. It’s had to just write dog like he was just any old dog when he was a lot more than that but I appreciate it’s hard to read

OP posts:
VickyEadieofThigh · 23/07/2023 10:13

Does he wfh? Getting a puppy demands someone with constant time, presence and energy for training. No garden makes toilet training really difficult, too.

This has 'dog will be ruined and sent to a rescue' all over it in big, neon letters.

Babsexxx · 23/07/2023 10:13

Non of your business! Keep your nose out! Best thing I did was get our family dog there dog will grow up with them completely different! You are right though in some aspect being the big nasty aunt!

They adore dogs!? I can’t see it going wrong! Worry about yourself.

JudgeRudy · 23/07/2023 10:15

YANBU to think the way you do. YABU to think your input will have any baring on the situation. Your brother knows all this but thinks he has solutions.

FredaFox · 23/07/2023 10:16

Luxell934 · 23/07/2023 10:11

Dear dog 😂Only on mumsnet

😂 ridiculous

LabelleLabelle · 23/07/2023 10:18

FredaFox · 23/07/2023 10:16

😂 ridiculous

Just to clear up I will not write Ddog again just that he has died now and I still feel upset about that and that he meant a lot to me, which is why I wrote it ok. Please can you just leave it, I get it ok it’s been said.

dogs aren’t toys to make your children happy

OP posts:
tennesseewhiskey1 · 23/07/2023 10:20

Sorry Op you are massively projecting here. Your brother is an adult - with two children he is already responsible for. Let him make his own decisions.

Nagado · 23/07/2023 10:22

I’m so sorry you lost your boy. It’s heartbreaking isn’t it?

Sadly, I think you’ve done all you can. Tell your brother he’s a fucking idiot and then step back.

Idrankyourbananamilk · 23/07/2023 10:22

LabelleLabelle · 23/07/2023 10:13

sorry, my dog passed away not long ago and I am still grieving. It’s had to just write dog like he was just any old dog when he was a lot more than that but I appreciate it’s hard to read

Sorry to hear this OP. Ignore the posters who are mocking this, it’s AIBU and you’ll get a mixed bag of responses. I don’t think I could have just referred to my old cat as just “cat” for a long time after, it sounded far too impersonal.

I appreciate you want what’s best for any dog your brother might get, and probably you are feeling more strongly about this given the loss of you own dog recently. However, you can advise but then I’d take a step back and let him get on with it. It’ll drive a wedge between you if you keep going on about it, and he’ll likely get the puppy anyway. At the end of the day it’s his decision and as hard as it may be to keep quiet, it’s probably best to not get involved.

Sorry for your loss.

Pinkdelight3 · 23/07/2023 10:24

Primary age kids can change a lot so I wouldn't focus too much on their history with your dog. It will be different with their own family pet to take care of. You're hurting because of your loss so overly sensitive to the situation but it's not a substantial case for 'shouldn't get a dog'. The apartment isn't ideal but not every dog lover can afford a house and as long as it's the right breed they'll make it work. It sounds like you've said your piece but they're committed so try to stop thinking about it now, it's really not your business unless the dog is being neglected, which it doesn't sound will be the case.

BuffyTheCat · 23/07/2023 10:25

Things might be completely different it’s their own dog instead of someone else’s dog. If the dog is there all the time it will be less of a novelty after the first few weeks, and the children will have their learning about dogs regularly reinforced (assuming your brother is a responsible parent).

If it’s a well-socialised dog from a reputable breeder or rescue, and is used to young children, I don’t think it’s such a big problem. Lots of families with young children have dogs without insurmountable problems.

DiddyHeck · 23/07/2023 10:26

The kids will learn just like millions of other kids do.

Your concern, whilst valid is very long and very OTT.

But you've said you're grieving for your own dog so that's probably why.

I think you're looking through a lot of it with 'grief glasses' if that makes sense?

Grouser · 23/07/2023 10:26

Dont apologise. Ddog is perfectly common around here. It's all over the dog boards. I'm assuming this is because people on aibu might encounter it less but its certainly not unusual!

your right this is likely to be a tricky process for your brother. It's one of those things that has to play out though. Annoyingly it's always these things that tend to work out, and the people who spend months researching and go to a proper breeder end up with a difficult experience

catsnhats11 · 23/07/2023 10:26

I'm sorry about your dog, it's very hard, but you've given advice, I don't think there is much else you can do.

PimpMyFridge · 23/07/2023 10:29

The children's lack of dog knowledge and skills would be fine if they had an adult who would teach and guide. If your dB also doesn't understand dog body language and also thinks of the dog more as a living toy that can be trained rather than understanding there is a lot more to it then that's a disaster waiting to happen.
If the training won't be consistent and balance dog and people's needs then they'll end up with a pain in the neck animal rather than a loved family member and it'll end up in a rescue when they all get fed up of it.

So from what you've said it doesn't look good. But if your dB isn't open to discussing it and taking advice then there's not much you can do sadly.

cocoloco117 · 23/07/2023 10:31

How old are the kids? You’re probably right, but I’d leave him to it rather than get into an argument over it. If you want, send one message briefly stating your opinion in a matter of fact way but don’t get into a discussion. Then you have that as a ‘told you so’ if and when it goes tits up and he’s asking you for help or moaning.

cocoloco117 · 23/07/2023 10:34

BuffyTheCat · 23/07/2023 10:25

Things might be completely different it’s their own dog instead of someone else’s dog. If the dog is there all the time it will be less of a novelty after the first few weeks, and the children will have their learning about dogs regularly reinforced (assuming your brother is a responsible parent).

If it’s a well-socialised dog from a reputable breeder or rescue, and is used to young children, I don’t think it’s such a big problem. Lots of families with young children have dogs without insurmountable problems.

Thats a lot off assuming you’re doing there. I can’t help but think this “it’ll be grand” attitude , despite what’s been said in the op about the kids interaction with an actual dog, is part of the reason there’s so many badly trained dogs in this country.

Blossomtoes · 23/07/2023 10:35

tennesseewhiskey1 · 23/07/2023 10:20

Sorry Op you are massively projecting here. Your brother is an adult - with two children he is already responsible for. Let him make his own decisions.

This. A puppy is a completely different kettle of fish to a rescue dog. It’s a blank slate with no baggage and will adapt to their household.

BuffyTheCat · 23/07/2023 10:43

Thats a lot off assuming you’re doing there. I can’t help but think this “it’ll be grand” attitude , despite what’s been said in the op about the kids interaction with an actual dog, is part of the reason there’s so many badly trained dogs in this country.

But OP’s dog, while no doubt lovely, was apparently not a suitable pet for a family with young children. Extrapolating from that dog to all dogs would also be assuming a lot.

LabelleLabelle · 23/07/2023 10:43

Problem is DB not the DC. Any child can learn to live with a dog if they are taught to I am not disputing that. Yes I have an issue with how he is going to teach them. He’s aware the novelty is going to wear off what I think he had underestimated is how much his DC rule the roost (which is down to him) and how overly tolerant he is of this and it’s going to undermine all of his attempts to train a dog. One DC in particular has their own agenda and doesn’t listen to adults and gets yelled at A LOT. Now yelling around dogs causes them stress and the DC isn’t really learning anything valuable just they got yelled at so do it out of dads eyesight next time.

OP posts:
LabelleLabelle · 23/07/2023 10:44

I’ve seen them with more than 1 dog. The other dogs were more family orientated and they do the same things. Fight over who is holding the lead and try to make the dog play with them even when it doesn’t want to

OP posts:
Pinkdelight3 · 23/07/2023 10:49

Sorry, I understand you're coming from a place where it's all about the dog, but you sound like you really judge your brother and his DC and don't think they measure up so this is never going to go well if you get involved. He's got his own family life to manage and I don't think your views are all that helpful. Stay out of it and let them make their own way through this. If you stick your oar in, it's not likely to go well.